The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Jaye]

QUOTE (Show Don't Tell @ Feb 22 2010, 08:31 PM)

Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday, at 71. Mr. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his career was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, having wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. He was a roll model for millions. Mr. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for 18 to 20 minutes.

*grooaan*!

Edited February 22, 2010 by Jaye

[Khan]

$50 is $50

 

 

 

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

 

And every year Buddy would say,

 

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

 

Edna always replied,

 

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

 

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

 

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

 

'Edna, I'm 85 years old.

 

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

 

To this, Edna replied,

 

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

 

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

 

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

 

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

 

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

 

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

 

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

 

But still not a word...

 

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

 

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

 

I'm impressed!'

 

Buddy replied,

 

 

'Well, to tell you the truth,

 

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

 

But you know,

 

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

Edited February 22, 2010 by RushNut

[Show Don't Tell]

Wow!

[nettiesaur]

lol!!

[Show Don't Tell]

DA END BE NEAR!!

 

Reverend Brasseaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Larousse was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

 

 

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

 

 

"Da End be Near.

Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now

Afore It Be Too Late!"

 

 

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You damn religious nuts!'

 

 

And then from around the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and then silence....

 

 

Brasseaux turns to Larousse and asks,

 

 

 

 

'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

 

[Rush Cocky]

 

I had seen these last few before, but they're still funny!

[Show Don't Tell]

One for all you guitar players out there:

 

 

Q: What's God's favourite chord?

 

A: Gsus

[Khan]

FIRST TIME SEX

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

 

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

 

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

 

The boy turns, and whispers back,

 

"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

[Jack Aubrey]

A woman brought a very obviously dead duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a 100 percent certifiably dead duck." The vet turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150."

[Jaye]

QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ Mar 4 2010, 12:37 PM)

A woman brought a very obviously dead duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a 100 percent certifiably dead duck." The vet turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150."

[Rolinda Bonz]

StressRelief

[Mara]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Apr 3 2010, 10:31 PM)

StressRelief

That would be an awesome ringtone!

[yaoi_myantidrug]

[Rolinda Bonz]

Hump Day Smiles

 

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

 

2. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

 

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

 

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

 

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

 

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

 

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option

 

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

 

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

 

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

 

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

 

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

 

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

 

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

 

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

 

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

 

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

 

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my all everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

 

 

[Jaye]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Apr 8 2010, 05:04 AM)

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

You think that's scary? Try falling back while holding one of those giant novelty pencils! I swear, I almost impailed myself...

 

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Apr 8 2010, 05:04 AM)

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Thank you.

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Jaye @ Apr 8 2010, 10:18 AM)

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Apr 8 2010, 05:04 AM) 29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. You think that's scary? Try falling back while holding one of those giant novelty pencils! I swear, I almost impailed myself...   QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Apr 8 2010, 05:04 AM) 30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. Thank you. sorry, Jaye.

[Rolinda Bonz]

New Words for Webster's

 

1. BLAMESTORMING

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

 

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

 

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

 

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

 

 

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

 

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

 

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

 

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

 

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

 

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

 

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

 

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

 

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

 

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

 

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

 

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

 

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

 

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

 

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm

[Mr. Not]

Hilarious Rush jokes I made up on the spot:

 

What's the difference between Alex and Geddy?

Alex plays guitar and Geddy plays Bass!

 

What's the difference between Guitar and Bass?

2 strings!

 

What do you call a six stringed bass?

a guitar!

 

What does Neil do first thing in the morning?

Rip 2 strings off of Geddy's bass!

 

How do you know if Alex has been looking through your fridge?

All the cheese is gone!

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[rushlady23]

Drinking with a Chicago Girl

 

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Chicago girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

 

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.

 

The Chicago girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Chicago, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

 

God Bless Chicago

 

[Show Don't Tell]

I got this one in an e-mail a couple days ago:

 

 

--------------------------------------------------

COMPUTER LOGIC

 

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

 

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

 

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

The women won.

 

Send this to all the smart women you know... and all the men that have a sense of humour.

 

--------------------------------------------------

Edited May 5, 2010 by Show Don't Tell

[Jaye]

QUOTE (Show Don't Tell @ May 5 2010, 01:15 AM)

I got this one in an e-mail a couple days ago: -------------------------------------------------- COMPUTER LOGIC A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. Send this to all the smart women you know... and all the men that have a sense of humour. --------------------------------------------------

[ILSnwdog]

A young couple spends a quite Saturday afternoon at an Irish art festival. After viewing numerous paintings and sculptures, they come to a painting of three very large and very naked African American men sitting on a park bench, and the African American in the middle has a pink penis. The couple is staring at the painting trying to figure out the message, but they can not for the life of them figure out what the artist was trying to convey. After looking at the painting for about five minutes, they are approached by a little Irish man who says.

"ey, I cun't help bu notice that ya are quite taken by my paintin."

To which the couple replies, "yes, it's wonderful, but we are having trouble understanding the significance of the painting. Is this painting about the plight of African Americans in the US, and what does the pink penis portray?" With this, the artist is taken aback and barks "Those are not African Americans. Those are tree proud Irish miners, and the one in da middle went home for lunch!"

 

 

[ILSnwdog]

A man on vacation in San Francisco visits Chinatown. He is having fun visiting all of the different shops and restaurants and then he notices a building that has a sign that says "Sal Dumbromski's Chinese Laundry". The name of the laundry strikes him as very odd, and he decides to further investigate. He goes into the laundry and there is a little bald Chinese man behind the counter. He asked the man "This place is really named Sal Dumbromski's?", to which the little man replies "Yes". Then he ask, "who is Sal Dumbromski?". The little Chinese man says "He is owna.". "Who is the owner" the man replies, and the little Chinese guys says "me owna". Dumbfounded, the man quips "You're name is Sal Dumbromski?" to which the little man simply says "yes". "how in the world did you get a name like Sal Dumbromski?" The little Chinese guys replies "many years ago, I at immigration, I in rine behind Jewish man from Porand. Dey ask him his name, and he say Sal Dumbromski. Den, dey rook at me ask me my name, and I say Sem Ting."