The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Jaye]

Like blonde jokes much, Cocky?

[Rush Cocky]

QUOTE (Jaye @ Aug 20 2009, 04:44 PM)

Like blonde jokes much, Cocky?

Got a batch today. There were some others that I didn't think were so funny, but these were the highlights.

[Gompers]

(from email)

 

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

 

"Of course, child.. What may I do for you?"

 

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"

 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you...I will not lie."

 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

 

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

 

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

 

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

 

[Gompers]

QUOTE (Rush Cocky @ Aug 20 2009, 04:45 PM)

QUOTE (Jaye @ Aug 20 2009, 04:44 PM) Like blonde jokes much, Cocky? Got a batch today. There were some others that I didn't think were so funny, but these were the highlights. A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blond a few seats down from him.   A fellow at the other end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.   The glass hits the blond's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.   This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!   He's lying on the floor moaning and groaning. "How come you let the bartender do it?" he asks the blonde?   She answers: "Because he has got....       Can you try and guess her answer?     Even if you don't, you're gonna love this......                                     A LICKER LICENSE!

[Gompers]

The Blonde & The Heart Attack

 

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting......

 

'What's up?' she asks.

 

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband...

 

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet and she's got no clothes on!'

 

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

 

'You rotten bitch!!!!!, she screams.

 

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[Gompers]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

 

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

 

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

 

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'

[Gompers]

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

 

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

 

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

[sullysue]

I have a blonde joke. A blonde GUY joke for Liquidcrystalcompass.

 

 

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

 

The Blonde Guy opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

 

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

 

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

 

The Mexicans' wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife.

 

The blonde guy's wife said.....

 

'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'

[Godeater2112]

What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

 

A speech impediment.

 

[Godeater2112]

Hahaha! Great one SullySue!

[liquidcrystalcompass]

QUOTE (sullysue @ Aug 20 2009, 04:14 PM)

I have a blonde joke. A blonde GUY joke for Liquidcrystalcompass. An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.' The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' The Blonde Guy opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' The Mexicans' wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife. The blonde guy's wife said..... 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'

[liquidcrystalcompass]

QUOTE (Godeater2112 @ Aug 20 2009, 04:14 PM)

What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

[sullysue]

QUOTE (liquidcrystalcompass @ Aug 20 2009, 04:23 PM)

QUOTE (sullysue @ Aug 20 2009, 04:14 PM) I have a blonde joke. A blonde GUY joke for Liquidcrystalcompass.  An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef  and cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.' The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again!  If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' The Blonde Guy opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.  The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' The Mexicans' wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife. The blonde guy's wife said..... 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'

[Jaye]

QUOTE (Gompers @ Aug 20 2009, 10:04 PM)

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'

QUOTE (Gompers @ Aug 20 2009, 10:05 PM)

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Omg, these two f-ing excellent!

[Jack Aubrey]

A koala bear was sitting up in his tree one day smoking a joint. A little later his friend the lizard happened by. "Whatcha doin', bro?" the lizard yelled up. "Smokin' a joint" replied the koala "come join me!" So the lizard scampered up the tree and passed the joint back and forth with his friend the koala and they made dumb jokes and laughed and had a grand old time. After a couple of hours, the lizard told the koala he had a bad case of dry mouth and was going down to the river to get a drink and scampered off. But when he got to the river the lizard was so stoned that he lost his balance and fell in. He managed to swim over to a log and climbed up on it to dry himself off. Soon the lizard's cousin, the crocodile, came swimming by. The crocodile asked him what he was doing on the log and the lizard told him the story. The croc asked the lizard if the koala had any more pot and the lizard said yes, so the croc decided to go pay the koala a visit and see if the koala would pass a joint his way for a while. The croc walked up to the base of the koala's tree and yelled "Yo!" The koala looked over and down and said: "Shit, dude, how much did you drink?!" Edited August 26, 2009 by Jack Aubrey

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Gompers @ Aug 20 2009, 02:04 PM)

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Rush Cocky @ Aug 20 2009, 01:09 PM)

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"

*snort*

[Glide]

Two young brothers are laying in their bunk beds about to go to sleep. The older brother says "You know what I am going to do tomorrow?"

Younger brother: "What?"

Older Brother "I am going to cuss."

Younger brother: "Really!!? What are you going to say?"

Older brother: "I am gong to say 'Damn'"

 

And they both go to sleep.

 

The following morning, the brothers awake and the older brother goes to the kitchen with the younger brother trailing. Their mother asks the older brother what he wants for breakfast.

 

Older brother "I want a damn egg."

 

The mother grabs him by the ear, pulls him out of his chair, tans his rear and tosses him outside without any breakfast.

 

The younger brother watches all of this. The mother turns to him and asks "So, what do you want for breakfast?"

 

"I don't know..." says the younger, "but it sure as hell ain't gonna be no egg."

[Rolinda Bonz]

FISHING TRIP

 

A man calls home:

 

"Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of

his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a

good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so

could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.....

"And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?

"We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house

to pick my things up. "Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk

pajamas."

 

 

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she

does exactly what her husband asked.

 

 

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise,

looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many

fish.

 

 

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why

didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

 

 

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

[tHobbs]

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

 

Half a cat.

 

 

That probably ruined the whole good vibe...

[Show Don't Tell]

Here is a sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

 

 

ATTENTION GOLFERS

 

1. Keep Your Back Straight, Knees Bent & Feet Shoulder-Width Apart.

2. Form a Loose Grip.

3. Keep Your Head Down.

4. Avoid a Quick Backswing.

5. Stay Out of the Water.

6. Try Not to Hit Anyone.

7. If You are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead of You.

8. Don't Stand Directly in Front of Others.

9. Quiet Please... While Others are Preparing.

10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.

 

WELL DONE! NOW FLUSH THE URINAL & GO PLAY GOLF.

[Blenderhead]

QUOTE (tHobbs @ Sep 3 2009, 06:35 PM)

What has two legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat. That probably ruined the whole good vibe...

Haha, that made me literally lol.

[Rush Cocky]

This is the funniest joke I've seen in some time:

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

 

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

 

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

 

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"

said Tommy.

 

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

 

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

 

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

 

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

 

"The Ten Commandments" answered Tommy.

 

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

 

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

 

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.."

 

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

 

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

 

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Rush Cocky]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant in Tennessee. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

 

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

 

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

 

The woman shakes her head no.

 

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

 

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

 

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Show Don't Tell]

Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday, at 71. Mr. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his career was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, having wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. He was a roll model for millions. Mr. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for 18 to 20 minutes. Edited February 22, 2010 by Show Don't Tell