The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[NeilPeartFan2112]

QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Nov 30 2004, 11:15 AM)

Now THAT is priceless.

[Trance]

QUOTE (barney_rebel @ Nov 30 2004, 08:57 PM)

For this married couple, the kids were finally old enough to understand 'sex'. So the husband and wife developed this coding system. Everytime they want to do it, one of them asks the other "want to do the laundry?" So one night, the family was watching movies. The husband leans over to the wife and asks"want to do the laundry?" She told him "after the movie dear". So later that night they are in the bedroom. The wife asks the husband, "so are you ready to do the laundry?" The husband replies, "after I have a shower, dear". So half hour later, he gets out, dries himself off and comes into the bedroom. At this point the wife was pissed. "I've been waiting a half hour, are we gonna do the laundry or what?" He says, "sorry dear - it was a small load so I did it by hand."

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going? Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be da*ned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no fu*king bike!" Edited December 2, 2004 by BSG

[Jack Aubrey]

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.

[Sweetmiracle]

QUOTE (Trance @ Dec 1 2004, 05:31 AM)

QUOTE (barney_rebel @ Nov 30 2004, 08:57 PM) For this married couple, the kids were finally old enough to understand 'sex'. So the husband and wife developed this coding system.  Everytime they want to do it, one of them asks the other "want to do the laundry?" So one night, the family was watching movies.  The husband leans over to the wife and asks"want to do the laundry?" She told him "after the movie dear". So later that night they are in the bedroom.  The wife asks the husband, "so are you ready to do the laundry?"  The husband replies, "after I have a shower, dear". So half hour later, he gets out, dries himself off and comes into the bedroom.  At this point the wife was pissed.  "I've been waiting a half hour, are we gonna do the laundry or what?" He says, "sorry dear - it was a small load so I did it by hand." Gee, lately ours is "Time to wrap presents!!!!

[Slaine mac Roth]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v110/Jimyyz2112/Misc/untitled.jpg

 

It was the night before Christmas

Edited December 1, 2004 by Slaine mac Roth

[Slaine mac Roth]

Things you learn from Children

 

For those with No children---this is totally hysterical!

For those who already have children past this age---this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age---this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age---this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children---this is birth control.

 

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

 

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house four inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

First grade... true story:

 

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

 

[Drumnut]

I posted this one over in the Politics Forum under "Kerry Jokes" but this is the good, the bad, and the ugly joke thread:

 

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

 

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."

 

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

 

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

 

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."

 

The man thanked him and again walked away.

 

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

 

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I have told you twice already that Mr. Kerry is

 

NOT the President and

 

DOES NOT reside here. Do you understand?"

 

The old man softly answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

 

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "See you tomorrow, sir."

 

[Chasartymac]

A lady goes into a fishmongers and asks for 2 fillets of cod.

The fishmonger apologises, "I'm sorry, we're right out of cod".

She says, "oh, well in that case I'll just have the one fillet of cod",

The fishmonger, slightly baffled repeats, "Sorry ma'am, there's no cod left"

"what if I don't want them filleted"? She asks.

It's been a long day and the fishmonger says, "Sorry to side track you for a moment but could I ask you to spell fish"?

"Uh, F I S H", she replied puzzled.

"and now, if you would be so kind, could you spell cod"? he asks.

Quickly she replies, "easy, C O D".

He says, "but you left out the 'F' "

"But", she retorted, "there's no 'F' in cod"

Eagerly he replies, "Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you for 10 minutes now"

[madra sneachta]

QUOTE (Chasartymac @ Dec 2 2004, 12:08 AM)

A lady goes into a fishmongers and asks for 2 fillets of cod. The fishmonger apologises, "I'm sorry, we're right out of cod". She says, "oh, well in that case I'll just have the one fillet of cod", The fishmonger, slightly baffled repeats, "Sorry ma'am, there's no cod left" "what if I don't want them filleted"? She asks. It's been a long day and the fishmonger says, "Sorry to side track you for a moment but could I ask you to spell fish"? "Uh, F I S H", she replied puzzled. "and now, if you would be so kind, could you spell cod"? he asks. Quickly she replies, "easy, C O D". He says, "but you left out the 'F' " "But", she retorted, "there's no 'F' in cod" Eagerly he replies, "Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you for 10 minutes now"

This isn't really a joke, but that reminds me of the George Bernard Shaw chellenge where he wrote the word "ghoti" and challenged someone to pronounce it

 

He then said

 

Pronounce the GH as it appears in enouGH

 

Pronounce the O as it appears in wOmen

 

Pronounce the TI as it appears in ficTIon

 

Try it......

[Jack Aubrey]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Dec 1 2004, 05:47 PM)

I posted this one over in the Politics Forum under "Kerry Jokes" but this is the good, the bad, and the ugly joke thread: One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I have told you twice already that Mr. Kerry is NOT the President and DOES NOT reside here. Do you understand?" The old man softly answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "See you tomorrow, sir."

[Alsgalpal]

These are all so fargin funny, I am going to rice myself for laughing so farging hard....

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ Dec 1 2004, 07:48 PM)

I thought you would like that one Jack!!!

[GhostGirl]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v297/RushBabe/Board%20Pics/1.jpg

[GhostGirl]

Just in time for the holidays:

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v297/RushBabe/Board%20Pics/2.jpg

 

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v297/RushBabe/Board%20Pics/4.jpg

 

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v297/RushBabe/Board%20Pics/3.jpg

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Dec 1 2004, 10:55 PM)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v297/RushBabe/Board%20Pics/1.jpg

Good one GG!!!

[Drumnut]

Dat got da nu page!!!

[GhostGirl]

[madra sneachta]

QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Dec 2 2004, 03:08 PM)

room---because if you don't do your business, we can't do ours. (Is there anybody out there?)

You do realise that reading that phrase means only one thing to me. It will be followed by

 

Daaaang...doooooooooiiiiiiing

 

HELLO!!

 

Is there anybody in there?

 

(Which fits in a strange way!!)

[Slaine mac Roth]

One night two Irish women go out for a "girls night out" and have a good time. They got bombed, absolutely plastered.

 

They're staggering home and decided to cut through the graveyard and they get caught short (had to pee--damned Guinness) so they each had to squat behind a gravestone.

 

One of them used her panties to wipe and then tossed them. The other felt she had a REALLY noyce pair on and dinna want to waste them so she looked around. She found a wide "memorial" ribbon and used that instead.

 

The next morning their husbands were together over their tea. One says, "Oy have ta watch it when me woyfe goos oout at nite in the future. Last noyte she came home witout anee panties!"

 

"YOUR wife!" the next guy says, "Shit! Dis Moornin' I woke up and me wife had a card stickin' outa her arse dat said, 'All the lads at the factory will never forget you!'"

[GhostGirl]

SLAINE!!!

 

My contribution for today:

 

A store that sells wives opens in Dallas, TX, where a man may go to choose a wife from among MANY women. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

 

There is however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building--no stopping on any lower floors.

A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These women have jobs.

The man reads the sign and says to himself,

 

"Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up he goes.

 

The second floor sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer.

The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"

 

The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better!" he says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

 

The fourth floor sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking and do all the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the man, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more,much more, further up!" He heads up another flight.

 

The fifth floor sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and don't bitch and gripe about anything.

"Hot Damn!..how close to perfect can you get?.. But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor he goes.

 

The sixth floor sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor.

There are no women on this floor.

 

This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please.

 

Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day.

[Slaine mac Roth]

 

Just add she's a Rush fan and you've got it.

[kazzman]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handfull of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

 

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handfull of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

 

At the nineth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

 

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

 

[GhostGirl]

QUOTE (Slaine mac Roth @ Dec 3 2004, 12:03 PM)

Just add she's a Rush fan and you've got it.

Now THERE'S a man with good sense.

 

[GhostGirl]

QUOTE (kazzman @ Dec 3 2004, 01:05 PM)

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handfull of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handfull of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the nineth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."