The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Cygnus]

Four women were driving across the country, each from a different

state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.

 

Shortly after the trip began, the lady from Idaho started pulling

potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

 

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

 

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of

looking at them!"

 

A moment later, the woman from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn

from her bag and tossing them from the window.

 

"What are you doing that for?" asked the Floridian.

 

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of

looking at them!"

 

Inspired, the woman from Florida opened the car door and pushed

the New Yorker out.

[Daggy]

The Oakey Cokey...what if that REALLY is what it's all about?

[endlesslymocking]

QUOTE (sundog @ Sep 27 2005, 08:33 AM)

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

 

 

Good one!

[Digital Man]

QUOTE (sundog @ Sep 27 2005, 06:33 AM)

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 26 2005, 01:47 PM) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The main man in China! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Abbott and Costello revisited! Yes one of the all time greats....     This is hilarious Cygnus.

[Rolinda Bonz]

A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."

 

Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

 

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and

he slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, he goes chasing after the leopard.

 

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

 

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

 

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

 

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

[Rolinda Bonz]

CANCELING CREDIT CARDS - PRICELESS...

 

 

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so

priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for

February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card,

and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance

had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a

call to Citibank:

 

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

 

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and

charges still apply."

 

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

 

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

 

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

 

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

 

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

 

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

 

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the

part about her being dead?"

 

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

 

Supervisor gets on the phone.

 

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

 

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and

charges still apply."

 

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

 

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

 

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

 

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

 

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

 

After they get the fax - Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

 

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you

could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

 

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

 

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

 

Citibank: "That might help."

 

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

 

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

 

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

QUOTE (Daggy @ Sep 27 2005, 09:02 PM)

The Oakey Cokey...what if that REALLY is what it's all about?

Bugger!

 

I'm going to wondering about this all day now!

[Digital Man]

I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.

 

The guy farted, took my five and walked away.

 

 

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Sep 28 2005, 08:58 PM)

I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The guy farted, took my five and walked away.

brootal!

[ladirushfan80]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school.

Then he gets an idea.

 

He calls his Redneck father.

 

"Dad," he says," you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

 

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

 

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

 

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

 

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.

 

The boy calls his father again.

 

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

 

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

 

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

 

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.

 

His father sends the money.

 

The boy has a problem.

 

At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.

 

So he shoots the dog.

 

When he gets home, his father is all excited... "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

 

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

 

This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

 

Then he turned to me and asked: "Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing' around with that cute little redhead next door" ?

 

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog".

 

"I sure did, Dad!" "I sure did!"

 

"That's my boy!"

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

[sundog]

[anagramking]

From my relatives in Mobile, Alabama:

 

You know you live on the Gulf Coast when.

 

 

*You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

*You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.

*Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.

*You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering

your windows.

*When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has

three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.

*Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.

*You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

*You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

*The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.

*You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of

the pool.

*You own more than three large coolers.

*You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the

least bit guilty about it.

*You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take gallon of gas to get there and back"

*You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer

*Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble

a portable generator by candlelight.

*You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.

*You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.

*You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo,

Mississippi.

*At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.

*You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

*There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.

*You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at

the Weather Channel.

*Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

*Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

*Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.

*Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

*You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.

*You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a guy with the tree service.

*A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.

*You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.

*Your child's first words were, "hunker down" and you didn't go to

UGA!

*Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.

 

*You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."

*Your kids start school in August and finish in July.

*You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

[rickyrob]

Two Nuns in a bath....

 

1st nun: "where's the soap"

 

2nd nun: "...it does, doesn't it"

[Cygnus]

[Slaine mac Roth]

QUOTE (rickyrob @ Oct 3 2005, 05:02 PM)

Two Nuns in a bath.... 1st nun: "where's the soap" 2nd nun: "...it does, doesn't it"

you got to love the old 'uns

[Cygnus]

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog takes the middle seat, and his handler explains that they work for the airline.

 

"Don't mind Rover," the handler says, "he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

 

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."

 

He tells the dog, "Rover, search!"

 

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy!" He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

 

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

 

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

 

The handler says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

 

"Wow!" says the first man.

 

Once again, the handler sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat, and craps all over the place!!!!! The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the heck was THAT for???!!"

 

The handler replies, "Looks like he found a bomb."

[sullysue]

Male/Female - Understanding

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.

 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

 

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[Mr. T.]

if you eat a pound of pasta and then a pound of antipasta, does that mean you're not hungry?

 

without geometry, life would be pointless!

 

black boxes: if planes were made of the same stuff, pilots would still get drunk.

 

what do alligators use to connect electric things? human clips?

 

if there are pizza flavoured snacks, why aren't there corn chip flavoured pizzas?

 

if you use vinegar to clean coffee machines, do you use coffee to clean vinegar bottles?

 

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her

girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,

middle-aged man entered. He was the young-at-heart man noticed her overly

attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before

she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and

whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me

to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are

always conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three

words. (Controlling, Huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a

moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she

pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into

his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said...."Clean my house."

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

Arizona Barbie Dolls

 

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie Dolls for the Arizona market:

 

Scottsdale Barbie

This princess Barbie is only sold at Scottsdale Fashion Square. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dreamhouse with a saguaro cactus in front. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with squeeze-me Skipper and a Ferrari.

 

Chandler Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time Occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English or Spanish. Available at Target.

 

Apache Junction Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, A 78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

 

Ahwatukee Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card

set, and country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Ahwatukee Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.

 

Mesa Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at MCC. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately And get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Ross.

 

Goodyear Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Mesa Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.

 

Sedona Barbie

This collagen injected, rhinoplastic (nose job) Barbie wears Leopard print spandex, and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with percocet perscription and two alimony checks Also cheap.

 

Phoenix Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional Accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

 

Flagstaff Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with White socks.She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

 

Gilbert Barbie

Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or

in Japan on business. Gilbert Barbie aspires to become Scottsdale Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.

 

Tucson Barbie

Into basketball and marijuana. Dropped out of PCC. Does nothing but complain about Phoenix Barbie.

 

Guadalupe Barbie

This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie who is willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand.

Green cards are not yet available for Guadalupe Barbie or Ken. Available At Food City.

 

Van Buren Barbie/Ken

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by Simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts.

 

Sun City Barbie/Ken

These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay In change,and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The Good ol' days." Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn left. Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices. Available at the doctor's office

 

[CanEHdian]

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

 

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed a note:

 

Dear Madam:

 

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

(1) it had never been occupied;

(2) that there was plenty of heat;

(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home

 

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

 

 

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

 

Dear Sir,

 

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill

it, please don't blame the landlord.

 

 

 

[nebbish]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

>

> They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return

> trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

>

> The two lads objected strongly.

>

> "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board;

> he had the same plane as yours."

>

> Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

>

> However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the

> load and went down a few moments after take-off.

>

> Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we

> are?"

>

> "Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[sundog]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys

50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as

possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets

groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and

quiet.

 

After six months or so, of almost total isolation,

someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,

bearded man standing there.

 

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the

road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...

Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

 

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm

ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

 

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn

you......be some drinkin'."

 

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the

business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More

'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

 

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.

I'll be there, Thanks again."

 

"More'n likely be some sex, too,"

 

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming

to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll

definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

 

Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

 

[RockNRush]