fledgehog Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Attn: the gentleman in the black Honda S2000 that I passed by on Wednesday night. Re: your stupid black Honda S2000 It's 40 f***ing degrees out, put your goddamn top up. We get it, you own a convertible. just cause it stopped snowing doesn't make it summer. I hope you freeze to death. Sincerely, Colin/fledge/whatever you call me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mara Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Dear Mexicans, Every flat expanse of land that doesn't have a building on it is not your personal soccer field. We get that you love the game, but that's the dog park. Take your balls and go somewhere else. And stop pretending you don't understand English. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Dear Whatever Crawled Into The Vents, UGH! You couldn't have croaked anywhere else? Signed, Gagging P.S. Peuw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mara Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Dear Love of My Life, Please stop going on about getting a new bike. Yes, I know you have a new training partner who seems to have limitless funds and has 3 bikes each costing over $6,000. I know you are a talented bike rider. I know you could probably trade tennis lessons for his niece to get the one he is considering selling for $1500. But I need surgery. Sorry, but when you met me I was on crutches prior to getting this stupid hip replaced. You knew that at some point in our marriage I would need surgery to replace worn out parts. And now we know this will not be free. In fact, we have a rather hefty deductible that makes it anything but. I am trying to hang on long enough to get a better policy so it won't be so high. When you go on and on and on about this bike you want, all it does is make me feel guilty. You have a good bike even though it is slightly heavier than you'd like. It will have to do for now. Love, Your wife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Show Don't Tell Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Dear whoever scheduled my hockey game last night, Makes sense to schedule it at 8:00 PM on a SUNDAY NIGHT! And with a 300-km (190-mile) drive it ended up being a 12-hour road trip. And what time did we get back? 2:00 AM. Nice. It didn't help that we lost either. Signed, #5 on the Port Hope Phantoms Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missionman Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Dear Missouri Department of Corrections, After the 12th of this month, you can all go get f*cked!!!! I played your stupid little games, jumped through your f*ckin hoops, played by your stupid rules, but my 5 f*ckin years is up!!!!! THERE!!!!!! I feel better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tupelobarchetta Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 (edited) Dear bad back, Please go away. You've been bothering me ever since I was 13 when I landed hard on you on a football field. In case you've forgotten, your arrival caused me to lose feeling below my waist for a couple of hours. The doctors, who told me I came close to suffering permanent paralysis because of the injury, said you would be with me the rest of my life. I've managed to live almost 34 years with you, but you seem bent nowadays to make my life even more miserable. And don't give me this "get-your-fat-ass-in-the-gym-and-go-on-a-diet" business. You were bothering me back when I was a leaner young man. You've been a pain, bad back. Take a hike, OK? Insincerely yours, TB Edited March 9, 2010 by tupelobarchetta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mara Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Dear Epicurious.com website: It's tuna noodle casserole; the only reason I am making it at all is because my husband bought about a zillion cans of tuna that he now will not eat because he's decided he doesn't like tuna salad. Did you hear me? TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE! It's a completely goofy '70's dish. It should NOT take 2 hours and about $50 to put together. I know you are all about the snob appeal with food, and many of your recipes are good. But me, I will keep looking for the old standby made with Cream of Mushroom soup! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ya_Big_Tree Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 Dear Heart, do you think you could stop beating as though you are in competition with a hummingbird? I'd REALLY appreciate it. Thanks, YaYa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mara Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Dear Oblivious Mom In Line Behind Me At The Grocery Store, I know you think it's cute to let your 3-year-old drive the shopping cart. Trust me, you are the only one who feels this way. Signed, Mara, whose Achilles tendons were nearly severed when your bratlet rammed them with the buggy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeddyRulz Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Dear motorists along Central Avenue between Henry Johnson Blvd. and Manning Blvd., You do know that double-parking is illegal, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khan Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Dear welfare recipients: Please STOP HAVING CHILDREN if you cannot support them. Regards, The rest of the U.S. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeddyRulz Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Dear Bathroom Scale, Kindly go screw yourself. Sincerely, sully Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nettiesaur Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Dear person who needed a meeting at the end of an already long day, Have you heard of email? Or do you get paid by the number of people you meet with? sincerely, Exasperated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tupelobarchetta Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Dear Sofa, I'm sleeping on you again tonight. Signed, Bannished from the bedroom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nettiesaur Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Dear lovely person in the truck or SUV who hit my car and ran off, I just loved dealing with the multiple phone calls this morning to set up my car repair, and planning to drop a couple hundred bucks to pay the deductible and car rental. It was soooo wonderful having to explain to the claims person that I had no idea which day last week it had been hit. You didn't even leave a note. Yes, it was only a dent, but it's a big one, and you should be paying for it, not me! Teed off person in the Corrolla Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rushlady23 Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 QUOTE (tupelobarchetta @ Mar 30 2010, 12:10 AM) Dear Sofa, I'm sleeping on you again tonight. Signed, Bannished from the bedroom uh oh...does it have something to do with the outfit you mentioned a ways back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
afurrything Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 Dear everyone I emailed or sent letters to including you Cardinals, Rams, Blues, Imos, Busch and Schlafly, I am trying to get donations for the fundraiser I am organizing. I contacted you over two weeks ago. Even if you have no desire to donate, an email or letter saying so would be appreciated so I am not sitting here waiting for you to respond in some way. I have only 20 some more days left and really need to know who I am getting donations from. Thank you, Tired of Refreshing My Email Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mara Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Dear Tiger Woods, Please get off my TV screen, off my home news page on the web, and off my radio. I am thoroughly over hearing your damn name 13,000 times/hour. Just go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nettiesaur Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 QUOTE (Mara @ Apr 9 2010, 04:16 PM) Dear Tiger Woods, Please get off my TV screen, off my home news page on the web, and off my radio. I am thoroughly over hearing your damn name 13,000 times/hour. Just go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boots Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 Dear parents or future parents: There are some things you have to do when you're a child. Otherwise there's just no point. Gymnastics is one of those things. So is figure skating. Music education is another. Of course there's lots of adults who take music lessons, but for 99% of them it will only ever be a hobby. Your children's fingers, joints, muscles, and memories are a lot more flexible when they're young. If you have the money, don't deny your kids any opportunities to develop their talents or to pursue any extra-curricular activities. Otherwise when you're on your deathbed at the nursing home, they will probably hate you, if they bother to visit you at all. And when your kids want to get married or audition for a part, what will they have to offer someone if they have no special qualities or talents? Just sayin' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 Dear latest male pop star kid, Your name escapes me. Actually I have no idea what your name is as whenever I see pictures of you, I can't stop looking at your incredibly effed up hair do. And now I'm seeing it on other dudes and it is horrible, as in, god-awful, incredibly laughable, extremely unsexy and not at all flattering. I'm talking about the reverse feather action do or whatever it's called. It is so bizarre! Stop blow drying and styling your hair forward in the completely wrong way. God I hope this look dies tomorrow. Sincerely, Baffled at why in the world anyone would think this looks good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mara Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 Dear Mexicans who rent the public storage units about a half-mile from my neighborhood, I'm sure somewhere there is a market for music that sounds like a cross between polka and mariachi. I admire your dedication - you guys do put in quite a bit of practice time. Actually, I sort of enjoy it when I am out in my yard pulling weeds. But sound carries. And recently your practices have been running late. Very late. I'm not a mean person and so probably would NOT be the one to call the cops and complain about the noise. I can't say same for all of my neighbors, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liquidcrystalcompass Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 QUOTE (Mara @ Apr 13 2010, 11:33 AM) Dear Mexicans who rent the public storage units about a half-mile from my neighborhood, I'm sure somewhere there is a market for music that sounds like a cross between polka and mariachi. I admire your dedication - you guys do put in quite a bit of practice time. Actually, I sort of enjoy it when I am out in my yard pulling weeds. But sound carries. And recently your practices have been running late. Very late. I'm not a mean person and so probably would NOT be the one to call the cops and complain about the noise. I can't say same for all of my neighbors, though. That might be the most God awful music in the world. My ex (latina btw) called it circus music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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