Cygnus Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digital Man Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Mar 28 2006, 08:57 AM) Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wulfhrafnr Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Mar 28 2006, 09:57 AM) Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arleen2112 Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Mar 28 2006, 11:57 AM) Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Making A Puppy A father was walking with his young son in the park when they came upon two dogs having sex. The boy asked his dad what the dogs were doing. He said that they were making a puppy. A couple of days later the boy walked in on his parents who were having sex on the couch. He asked his father what they were doing. He said that they were making a baby. The boy replied, "Can you turn Mummy over? I'd much rather have a puppy." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A witch, why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Vegetative Life While watching the basketball game Monday night my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smartass Thanks netgirl for the email, you shoulda posted this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladirushfan80 Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak ! up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on! the butt and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. "Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure doesn't deserve it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, your son, John. P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trance Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 QUOTE (sundog @ Mar 30 2006, 09:53 PM) then she farted and flew out the window". OMG.... this one line totally made the joke for me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding Captain Happy in his hand. "Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the word back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by on! e of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I ! smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and h e said "No." I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident? "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat own. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... true story...We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 OMG -those had me howling out loud!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 CAN OF WORMS A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. &g! t; So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" Don't you just love little old ladies???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 6 2006, 10:25 AM) CAN OF WORMS A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. &g! t; So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" Don't you just love little old ladies???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Two Nuns Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination!" says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross." says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 6 2006, 12:29 PM) Two Nuns Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination!" says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross." says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car!" Cygnus, you're cracking me up today....thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 QUOTE (Daylin @ Apr 6 2006, 02:05 PM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 6 2006, 12:29 PM) Two Nuns Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination!" says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross." says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car!" Cygnus, you're cracking me up today....thanks! I try Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 How To Catch an Elephant............. 1. Dig yourself a hole....a LARGE hole. 2. Put ashes in the bottom of the hole. 3. Then put a row of peas all around the top edge of the hole. Hide yourself in a blind 10 yards or so from the hole. Wait. Soon an elephant will come by. When he goes to take a pea, KICK HIM IN THE ASH-HOLE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nebbish Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 (edited) Sunday Morning Sex ..... Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died,her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along." Edited April 6, 2006 by nebbish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 6 2006, 01:58 PM) How To Catch an Elephant............. 1. Dig yourself a hole....a LARGE hole. 2. Put ashes in the bottom of the hole. 3. Then put a row of peas all around the top edge of the hole. Hide yourself in a blind 10 yards or so from the hole. Wait. Soon an elephant will come by. When he goes to take a pea, KICK HIM IN THE ASH-HOLE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 QUOTE (nebbish @ Apr 6 2006, 05:04 PM) Sunday Morning Sex ..... Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died,her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blonde77th Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 You guys are a blast lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The f***n' funeral director would be my guess! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 Soon it will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. It's called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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