Dear Blank

[GhostGirl]

QUOTE (Sonatine @ Feb 10 2010, 01:34 AM)

Dear Ms Internal Sales Account Manager, From this point on can you please make sure you have finished masticating before contacting me on the phone! I do find it the height of bad manners hearing you chomp on a apple, crisps or whatever while also talking to me at the same time - all amplified down the f***ing phone and in my ear! Kind Regards Sonny

Dear Sonny,

 

I love it that you Brits say "crisps." It makes me smile.

 

~GG

 

 

 

And:

 

Dear Co-workers:

 

Stop patronizing me. Just stop. Some or all of you report me to the boss, for occasional internet surfing (while a program runs in the background) or personal phone calls when ALL OF YOU DO THE SAME THING? I see you with your MSN Messenger boxes open. I see you shopping for ugly prom dresses for your spoiled-brat daughters. I hear you chatting away on personal calls. But because you get here extra early every day, you get free license to do whatever? I'm on SALARY, unlike you bitches, and I do PLENTY that you have no idea about.

 

Also unlike you, I'm not a moron. Do you really think that being sickeningly "nice" to me will make me forget what you did? Just give it a rest, and while you're at it, you can kiss my (increasingly shrinking) ass.

 

~GG

[sullysue]

QUOTE (Slacker @ Feb 10 2010, 06:34 AM)

QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 9 2010, 11:12 AM) Dear Co-worker, Turn your f***ing iPod down. I'm on the other side of the isle and I can hear every damn note and and every stupid ass word of every shitty song you are listening to. AND... if you don't stop singing along, I start throwing shit, starting with my monitor. Signed, Holy Cow!     Moo!   Sorry 'bout that. This happens every day, and I had enough of it yesterday.

[Pags]

QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Feb 10 2010, 09:55 AM)

QUOTE (Sonatine @ Feb 10 2010, 01:34 AM) Dear Ms Internal Sales Account Manager, From this point on can you please make sure you have finished masticating before contacting me on the phone! I do find it the height of bad manners hearing you chomp on a apple, crisps or whatever while also talking to me at the same time - all amplified down the f***ing phone and in my ear! Kind Regards Sonny Dear Sonny,   I love it that you Brits say "crisps." It makes me smile.   ~GG       And:   Dear Co-workers:   Stop patronizing me. Just stop. Some or all of you report me to the boss, for occasional internet surfing (while a program runs in the background) or personal phone calls when ALL OF YOU DO THE SAME THING? I see you with your MSN Messenger boxes open. I see you shopping for ugly prom dresses for your spoiled-brat daughters. I hear you chatting away on personal calls. But because you get here extra early every day, you get free license to do whatever? I'm on SALARY, unlike you bitches, and I do PLENTY that you have no idea about.   Also unlike you, I'm not a moron. Do you really think that being sickeningly "nice" to me will make me forget what you did? Just give it a rest, and while you're at it, you can kiss my (increasingly shrinking) ass.   ~GG Simple solution - a camera phone on silent mode. Click pics of those MSN boxes and prom dress web sites and keep them handy for if and when you need them with the boss. And you can do it all with the same patronizing smile.   It's not personal. It's just business.

[GhostGirl]

*rubs hands together while chuckling evilly*

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Pags @ Feb 10 2010, 07:18 AM)

QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Feb 10 2010, 09:55 AM) QUOTE (Sonatine @ Feb 10 2010, 01:34 AM) Dear Ms Internal Sales Account Manager, From this point on can you please make sure you have finished masticating before contacting me on the phone! I do find it the height of bad manners hearing you chomp on a apple, crisps or whatever while also talking to me at the same time - all amplified down the f***ing phone and in my ear! Kind Regards Sonny Dear Sonny,   I love it that you Brits say "crisps." It makes me smile.   ~GG       And:   Dear Co-workers:   Stop patronizing me. Just stop. Some or all of you report me to the boss, for occasional internet surfing (while a program runs in the background) or personal phone calls when ALL OF YOU DO THE SAME THING? I see you with your MSN Messenger boxes open. I see you shopping for ugly prom dresses for your spoiled-brat daughters. I hear you chatting away on personal calls. But because you get here extra early every day, you get free license to do whatever? I'm on SALARY, unlike you bitches, and I do PLENTY that you have no idea about.   Also unlike you, I'm not a moron. Do you really think that being sickeningly "nice" to me will make me forget what you did? Just give it a rest, and while you're at it, you can kiss my (increasingly shrinking) ass.   ~GG Simple solution - a camera phone on silent mode. Click pics of those MSN boxes and prom dress web sites and keep them handy for if and when you need them with the boss. And you can do it all with the same patronizing smile.   It's not personal. It's just business.

[BeOhBe Bob]

Dear Brother,

 

I am so sorry you have to complain to me about everything that's gone on or going on in your life. I know I ought to be more understanding, but I have my own life with all its drama, let alone every friggin little detail of yours. I used to look up to you because youre older than me, but I wish you'd somehow someway realize the universe doesn't revolve around you and your failed "project"...your soon to be 2nd ex wife. I hope someday you see your two beautiful girls for what they are...the BEST thing you could ever have given Earth! I see it, why can't you? WAIT I know why! Your fu<king too wrapped up in your shit to see how wonderful and special they are..and why they still prefer their Mother over you, and I can't wait to hug them and tell them how much I love and miss them. You're SOOOO into yourself you don't even hear the keys madly tapping away, as I write my post to my group! Thanks for not paying attention to me not paying total attention to you! Both of my wives know and knew how full of SHIT you are, and neither of them like how angry you make me. Used to be fun doing things together like simple everyday stuff....and our relationship has deteriorated into you calling to bitch at me about everything...OH wait here's my loving wife calling my cell and telling me my boss is calling just to get me off the phone with you...if only she knew I was enraptured by your discourse on how your crazy ass NEW ex is accusing me of trying to have cybersex with her years ago WHEN SHE NEVER EVEN OWNED A GOD DAMN COMPUTER!! or saying nasty shit about everybody in our family. I already HATE her crackhead ass...and now I just have to somehow avoid you...sucks I know but there's this thing I like called self preservation

 

Try it sometime, before your fourth and maybe last heart attack

 

Signed

 

Your one time goofy assed little brother...remember?

 

[nettiesaur]

Dear Little Kid,

You have a gallon bag full of treats from your classmates.

Not getting that one thing from the kid across the room isn't going to

matter much. Your parents aren't going to let you eat all that anyway.

And you laughed when I pointed that out to you. So did the kid next to you.

Have fun trying anyhow.

 

Your wonderful teacher.

[Dweezil]

QUOTE (Sonatine @ Feb 10 2010, 07:34 AM)

Dear Ms Internal Sales Account Manager, From this point on can you please make sure you have finished masticating before contacting me on the phone! I do find it the height of bad manners hearing you chomp on a apple, crisps or whatever while also talking to me at the same time - all amplified down the f***ing phone and in my ear! Kind Regards Sonny

LOL I be eating cheerios waiting for calls to come in. I immediately "cheek" the cheerios when a customer is on the line.

Call me for a quote Sonatine! No cheerio crunching!

[Dweezil]

Dear me,

 

Why must you always get sucked in?

 

Contemplating human emotions,

Me

[Sonatine]

[Dweezil]

QUOTE (Sonatine @ Feb 21 2010, 11:46 AM)

QUOTE (Mrs. Huck Rogers @ Feb 21 2010, 10:57 AM) QUOTE (Sonatine @ Feb 10 2010, 07:34 AM) Dear Ms Internal Sales Account Manager, From this point on can you please make sure you have finished masticating before contacting me on the phone! I do find it the height of bad manners hearing you chomp on a apple, crisps or whatever while also talking to me at the same time - all amplified down the f***ing phone and in my ear! Kind Regards Sonny LOL I be eating cheerios waiting for calls to come in. I immediately "cheek" the cheerios when a customer is on the line. Call me for a quote Sonatine! No cheerio crunching! I'll do just that - just don't belch in mid-sentence though eh!   Actually I had someone do just that when I was calling British Gas customer services.. this guy on the other end was not only chewing on a chocolate bar, but also drinking inbetween chomps - and right near the end he let out a belch which measured a 5 on the Richter Scale.   The A-hole, never even apologised                   OMG I work at British Gas! LOL (New Heating centre)   They're moving the Stratford New Heating call centre to Stockport and we have some strict managers. Anyone doing that will be sacked! Won't be all moved until August. Sorry you had to put up with some weenie!

[Mara]

Dear Cat,

 

You aren't mine. I don't particularly care for you because you keep shitting in my flower beds, walking all over my car, and you are not at all friendly. But you are, after all, a cat, just doing cat things. I know you are not intentionally trying to piss me off.

 

Please tell your parents to keep you indoors. They are the ones I'm really annoyed with, not you. Besides all of the reasons listed above, it isn't safe for cats to live outdoors. We have coyotes around here - I have seen them.

 

Sorry about the incident with the hose earlier.

 

Mara

[Alsgalpal]

Dear Mara,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love your friend,

K

[Sonatine]

Dear Neighbour,

 

Would you kindly not block access to our drive when you have friends visiting!

 

You know full well you can only realistically fit 2 cars into your drive area; so why do you not inform your chums that parking in my drive space is rather bad form, old bean!

 

Not only is it selfish on your friends' part, but it also means we can't get out of or into our own drive at certain times of the day.

 

With this in mind, would you kindly inform said friends to park elsewhere, otherwise I may have to resort to Plan C (again!)

 

 

 

deepest respects, blah-de-blah

 

 

Sonny - your blocked-in neighbour.

[Mara]

Dear Sonatine,

 

Please elaborate on "Plan C". I am mildly intrigued, as I have neighbors prone to doing same.

 

Mara

[nettiesaur]

Dear Mommy with the stroller,

Your two year old took off in the middle of a crowded area at the place where I took my class today. If I had not brought her back to you, she could have been out in the street. Even my parent chaperones were concerned about her.

Either keep her in the stroller with the baby, or put her on a leash. She's a runner!

I noticed that she was in the stroller when we passed you later. Too little too late!

and you could have said Thank You.

 

From The kind person who rescued your kid.

[Sonatine]

QUOTE (Mara @ Feb 28 2010, 02:45 PM)

Dear Sonatine, Please elaborate on "Plan C". I am mildly intrigued, as I have neighbors prone to doing same. Mara

Dear Mara

 

 

"Plan C" is intentionally blocking my neighbour's drive, even if our drive is clear! This then means a knock on our door by said neighbour asking us why we've blocked her drive. We reply, somewhat childishly, "well, you blocked ours!"

 

She then realises her mistake, apologises and everyone is happy again - as was the case yesterday when we did have to resort to Plan C.

 

Plan B, sometimes doesn't work because she doesn't answer her door when we ask her to move her car(s) from our drive.

 

 

 

 

Plan D, is of course nuclear armaggedon

 

 

 

your sincerely

 

Sonny

[Boots]

Dear TPTB,

When will I ever get a promotion around here? I am tired of seeing people with little or no credentials get promoted all around me. What the hell is wrong with this company anyway?

 

(Actually I know what's wrong with it but I'm not allowed to say it here.)

 

[Janie]

Dear Inventor,

 

Last night I dreamed about an escalator. Not just any escalator. A sit-down escalator. And not just any sit-down escalator but a part rollercoaster sit-down escalator!

 

This NEEDS to be invented.

 

Sincerely,

Ain't Takin' No Stairs

[Sonatine]

Dear Npower

 

Can you please explain to me why you haven't reduced your domestic fuel prices this quarter? British Gas, have recently announced a 7% cut, so why not you?

 

And don't give me that tired old bullshit about "rising price of wholesale gas!" That is soooo last year! In any case have you seen the price of a barrel of oil these days? $78 spot for Brent Crude compared to $150 a year ago.

 

More than half the value lost and yet you still seem implacably opposed to cutting fuel prices to your customers; yet you were quick enough to hike them by 37% last year!

 

So quit pissing about and do the right thing: or are you too scared upsetting your shareholders and the futures markets in the City?

 

 

 

With no regards whatsoever

 

Sonny

 

 

[Mara]

Dear Husband,

 

It is not necessary to throw the front door wide open every morning to check the weather. Those clear panels set into the walls of each room are windows - if it's sunny through the windows, it isn't likely to look much different from the front door perspective. And we already know it's cold. You don't have to confirm this by letting all of the heat out of the house.

 

Love,

Mara

[Khan]

Dear hair,

 

STOP GROWING! I can't afford all the haircuts.

 

Sincerely,

The rest of the body

[tupelobarchetta]

Dear Naughty Schoolgirl Outfit,

 

Ever since I put you in a Victoria's Secret bag and left you in a spot where my wife could find her surprise Valentine gift from a "secret admirer," I've been waiting for your debut. It was me who picked you out and paid for your freedom to become the naughty schoolgirl outfit you were made in China to be.

 

But there you are, still stashed away somewhere in her clothes dresser. Hopefully, someday, my wife - a 46-year-old woman who looks sexier now than she did 20-odd years ago - will slip on your plaid miniskirt and your white halter top with the "Hustler Girls School" logo on the left breast. And when you finally break free from the bondage of being stuffed next to my wife's pajamas and work undergarments, I will be the happiest man alive. You will take your place among my wife's finest lingerie along with her French maid outfit, her red and black corset, and the always popular green g-string bikini.

 

I must warn you -- You'll have to tolerate the loud and disturbing sounds of Nickelback, for my wife likes to dance to that "music." I figure she'll want to do that while wearing you. But knowing you, you'll make the best out of a tough situation. You didn't become a naughty schoolgirl outfit just by shakin' hands.

 

Be patient, my friend. Your day will come.

 

Sincerely yours,

 

TB

Edited March 3, 2010 by tupelobarchetta

[Janie]

QUOTE (tupelobarchetta @ Mar 3 2010, 01:47 PM)

Dear Naughty Schoolgirl Outfit, Ever since I put you in a Victoria's Secret bag and left you in a spot where my wife could find her surprise Valentine gift from a "secret admirer," I've been waiting for your debut. It was me who picked you out and paid for your freedom to become the naughty schoolgirl outfit you were made in China to be. But there you are, still stashed away somewhere in her clothes dresser. Hopefully, someday, my wife - a 46-year-old woman who looks sexier now than she did 20-odd years ago - will slip on your plaid miniskirt and your white halter top with the "Hustler Girls School" logo on the left breast. And when you finally break free from the bondage of being stuffed next to my wife's pajamas and work undergarments, I will be the happiest man alive. You will take your place among my wife's finest lingerie along with her French maid outfit, her red and black corset, and the always popular green g-string bikini. I must warn you -- You'll have to tolerate the loud and disturbing sounds of Nickelback, for my wife likes to dance to that "music." I figure she'll want to do that while wearing you. But knowing you, you'll make the best out of a tough situation. You didn't become a naughty schoolgirl outfit just by shakin' hands. Be patient, my friend. Your day will come. Sincerely yours, TB

Dear TB,

 

 

Signed,

Hoping You Get Your Wish Soon

 

P.S. Perhaps the Naughty Schoolgirl outfit it waiting for the Principal outfit?

[tupelobarchetta]

QUOTE (Janie @ Mar 4 2010, 11:17 AM)

QUOTE (tupelobarchetta @ Mar 3 2010, 01:47 PM) Dear Naughty Schoolgirl Outfit, Ever since I put you in a Victoria's Secret bag and left you in a spot where my wife could find her surprise Valentine gift from a "secret admirer," I've been waiting for your debut. It was me who picked you out and paid for your freedom to become the naughty schoolgirl outfit you were made in China to be. But there you are, still stashed away somewhere in her clothes dresser. Hopefully, someday, my wife - a 46-year-old woman who looks sexier now than she did 20-odd years ago - will slip on your plaid miniskirt and your white halter top with the "Hustler Girls School" logo on the left breast. And when you finally break free from the bondage of being stuffed next to my wife's pajamas and work undergarments, I will be the happiest man alive. You will take your place among my wife's finest lingerie along with her French maid outfit, her red and black corset, and the always popular green g-string bikini. I must warn you -- You'll have to tolerate the loud and disturbing sounds of Nickelback, for my wife likes to dance to that "music." I figure she'll want to do that while wearing you. But knowing you, you'll  make the best out of a tough situation. You didn't become a naughty schoolgirl outfit just by shakin' hands. Be patient, my friend. Your day will come. Sincerely yours, TB Dear TB,     Signed, Hoping You Get Your Wish Soon   P.S. Perhaps the Naughty Schoolgirl outfit it waiting for the Principal outfit? Dear Hoping You Get Your Wish Soon,   When the naughty schoolgirl outfit appears, it will have a closed-door meeting with the principal and the "board" of education.   Your friend,   TB