snowdogged Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 As for the OP I like most of your stuff there but if you're open to criticism then I'd rewrite a couple of those with different wording. As a huge George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg fan, I've come to appreciate the way things are worded or spoken because it often makes all the difference. Hedberg was a master at this! Even if a joke bombed he'd say something like,"ok that joke's gonna be good because I'm going to take out all the words and add new words.." and gets a big laugh with that lolor: "Dogs are forever in the pushup position..".. *silence"Ok that jokes dumb, I'm aware of that.." and the audience roars with laughter lol k now I seem to be on a Mitch tangent so I'll wrap up by saying Good job and keep it up!Thanks for the feedback! I am always looking to improve and you made some very good points. Mitch Hedberg was great. So sad that he is no longer with us. My timing and delivery are actually pretty good when I am just with friends or with people at work but I get too nervous in front of audiences to ever even attempt doing standup. A lot of people have told me in my lifetime that I should become a comedian but I could never get in front of a crowd like that and have good delivery. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disembodied Spirit Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 http://i1303.photobucket.com/albums/ag153/Freedom80065/ll_zpsujn9bx6z.jpg 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goose Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 A hunter walks into a crowded bar with an alligator on a leash. The bar goes silent, and the bartender tells him to get that damn alligator out of the bar! "You don't understand," says the hunter. "This gator's perfectly tame." A cry of "Bullshit!" comes from the crowd, to which the hunter responds, "Gimme $50 and a beer and I'll prove it." So the bartender hands him a bottle, while the patrons pile $50 on the bar. The hunter unzips his pants, grabs the beer, and bangs the gator twice on the head. The gator snaps open his mouth, teeth glistening. The hunter pulls out his wang, lays it right in the gator's mouth, and with the beer in hand bangs the gator hard on the head. SNAP! The gator's mouth slams shut. The hunter stares at the clock on the wall...30 seconds go by. Again, he bangs the gator twice on the head, then pulls out his wang...in perfect condition, of course. The crowd erupts in applause, which is followed by a challenge from the hunter. "I'll give $100 to any man brave enough to try THAT!" The crowd goes silent...until from the back of the room a hand goes up. "I'll give it a try..." says a burly man in a flannel shirt. "Just don't hit me on the head with that bottle." :hail: 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mother of all machines Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Daddy, what is black humour?See the black girl next door?Dad, im blindThere you go 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mother of all machines Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Ok, so there was this guy who wanted to put mypenis as a password and the computer said it was too short 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MMCXII Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 As for the OP I like most of your stuff there but if you're open to criticism then I'd rewrite a couple of those with different wording. As a huge George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg fan, I've come to appreciate the way things are worded or spoken because it often makes all the difference. Hedberg was a master at this! Even if a joke bombed he'd say something like,"ok that joke's gonna be good because I'm going to take out all the words and add new words.." and gets a big laugh with that lolor: "Dogs are forever in the pushup position..".. *silence"Ok that jokes dumb, I'm aware of that.." and the audience roars with laughter lol k now I seem to be on a Mitch tangent so I'll wrap up by saying Good job and keep it up! Hedberg was awesome!!! His delivery was classic. One of his first live recorded specials was going very badly and he just sat on the steps on stage that were part of the set and did the rest of show sitting down, which kind of made it funnier. It was just a bad audience, he was funny. He has a joke about a stoplight and a banana and how their colors can each tell you what to do. Stoplight: Green means go, yellow means slow down With a banana it's the opposite: Green means whoa slow down, yellow means go ahead and eat it, red means 'where the f**k did you get that banana?' Every once in a while I see red bananas in the grocery store and I laugh every time. Hahaha!! I remember that show.. he sits down.."acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind. ." Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MMCXII Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 As for the OP I like most of your stuff there but if you're open to criticism then I'd rewrite a couple of those with different wording. As a huge George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg fan, I've come to appreciate the way things are worded or spoken because it often makes all the difference. Hedberg was a master at this! Even if a joke bombed he'd say something like,"ok that joke's gonna be good because I'm going to take out all the words and add new words.." and gets a big laugh with that lolor: "Dogs are forever in the pushup position..".. *silence"Ok that jokes dumb, I'm aware of that.." and the audience roars with laughter lol k now I seem to be on a Mitch tangent so I'll wrap up by saying Good job and keep it up!Thanks for the feedback! I am always looking to improve and you made some very good points. Mitch Hedberg was great. So sad that he is no longer with us. My timing and delivery are actually pretty good when I am just with friends or with people at work but I get too nervous in front of audiences to ever even attempt doing standup. A lot of people have told me in my lifetime that I should become a comedian but I could never get in front of a crowd like that and have good delivery. Me, I'd be terrified trying it. I heard of something called "toastmasters" though, It's some kind of group or club for public speaking. You should check it out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toymaker Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 (edited) del Edited August 13, 2015 by toymaker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddy Lee Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddy Lee Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddy Lee Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILSnwdog Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Some day I'll get to an open mike night. I think I need to get a new doctor. During my last prostate exam, I felt both of his hands on my shoulders. I love people watching in airports. It's the only place where I have seen morbidly obese people run. This one only works if you know that I'm bald...I don't get too excited when we go for a ride in my buddy's convertible. If I want to feel the wind in my hair, I have to take my shirt off. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILSnwdog Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I always wash my hands before I take a piss. I don't want to give anyone a reason to call my wife "a dirty cock sucker". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimsonmistymemory Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 A little boy & girl are outside playingthe little girl asks the boy if he knows what a penis isthe boy says no but will go inside and ask his dadwhen the boy gets inside he excitedly asksDad wha's a penis?Dad says well son It will be better to explain if I just show youDad drops his drawers and points to his penis and saysson this is a penis and it is perfect if I say so myselfthe boy understanding immedately runs outside to the little girl waitingShe askes if he has found out what a penis isthe little boy smiles and says while dropping his drawersYES! this is a penis and if it was 2 inches shorter it would be perfect! TaDum :laughing guy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 My Girlfriend tells me that I repeat myself all the time. She doesn't know what the f#ck she is talking about! My Girlfriend tells me that I repeat myself all the time. She doesn't know what the f#ck she is talking about!----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I measure my penis from the ceiling. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I've lost some weight recently, but I won't be satisfied until I get down to the weigth that I was at before I gained all this extra weight... ....Eight pounds, two ounzes.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------When I was two, I told my parents that I wanted to be a firetruck when I grow up and now that I'm an adult they won't stop reminding me of what a failure I am.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My mother used to tell me to eat all the food on my plate because there are children starving in Africa. ....I replied... ....Oh, you must do the cooking for them,also.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimsonmistymemory Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 (edited) dad is at the flea market and comes across a booth that sells lie detecting robotsThe clerk explains the robot will slap anyone that tells a lieThe dad decides to get one to use on his sonAfter setting up the robot in the kitchen the dad calls his son indad; where you last nightson; at the libraryrobot; slaps the sonson; ok ok I was over at tommy's housedad; doing whatson; watching a moviedad; what movieson; toy storyrobot; slaps the sonson; ok ok it was porndad; what! when I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!robot; slaps dadmom; laughs and says well he certainly is your boyrobot; slaps mom TaDum :laughing guy: Edited August 14, 2015 by Crimsonmistymemory 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILSnwdog Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 What do you get when you stand a blonde on her head? A brunette with bad breath. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
x1yyz Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Wait, I thought this was adult humour. Where are the jokes about mortgages and career advancement? 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goose Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Wait, I thought this was adult humour. Where are the jokes about mortgages and career advancement?What do you have when 100 mortgage brokers are buried neck deep in sand? Not enough sand. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 After several weeks of being ill, a guy and his wife go to see the doctor about his test results. They sit down in the doctor's office, and the doctor greets them Doctor: I've gone over your test results, and I have good news and bad news for you. Man: OK, give it to me straight. What's the bad news? Doctor: You're terminally ill. You have three months to live. Man: WHAT?! That's the bad news?! What the Hell is the GOOD news? Doctor: Your wife is really hot!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Union 5-3992 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Union 5-3992 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Why does this Rorschach guy only paint pictures of naked men? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Union 5-3992 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 (edited) A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing but fuck your mother. Edited August 15, 2015 by Union 5-3992 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goose Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 ^^^ Three good ones there, Union! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lost In Xanadu Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Why does this Rorschach guy only paint pictures of naked men?This is a joke? I've always wondered the same thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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