jkt2112 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow" "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Then they kick him in the ice hole." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nettiesaur Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 How much coke did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Mar 12 2011, 12:52 AM) How much coke did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babycat Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Mar 7 2011, 02:40 PM)The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. ' The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night' The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big, burly, ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night Bob sat up and watched me all night.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doublereeder Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuskyRunner Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut". The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Mar 7 2011, 09:40 AM) The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. ' The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night' The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big, burly, ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night Bob sat up and watched me all night.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosy Toes Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Q: What's Gollum's Favourite Bird? A: A Smeagull. Made that up myself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 QUOTE (Cosy Toes @ Mar 14 2011, 06:36 PM) Q: What's Gollum's Favourite Bird? A: A Smeagull. Made that up myself That's terrible! But, funny. I'll give you that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Two suspicious-looking guys walked into a bar and ordered drinks and sat down at one of the back tables. The bartender, who wasn't very fond of troublemakers, kept his eye on them from the get-go. Before long, one of the guys walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "We've noticed you've been keeping an eye on us, so to be all friendly, I'll make a bet with you. I'll bet you a round of drinks that I can bite my left eye...." The bartender shrugs his shoulders, "That's a stupid bet for you, man. You're ON..." So the guy takes out his glass eye and bites it. The pissed-off bartender gives the guys their drinks. A while later, the guy goes back up to the still-enraged bartender and says, "OK, we can see your still sore, so I'll make it up to you. I'll bet you two more drinks that I can bite my right eye!" The bartender laughed and said, "You can't get me this time! You can't have TWO glass eyes! You're ON!" So the guy takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The bartender gives him the drinks with a look of pure HATE. A while later, the guy goes back up to the bar and says to the bartender, "OK, we gotta go, but I'll make you one last bet. I bet you a hundred bucks that if you slide a beer mug down the whole length of the bar, I can piss in it all the way down without missing....bet??" The bartender laughed so loud that the whole crowd looked over. "You stupid jackass! You'll never do that! You're ON, and then you and your buddy can GET OUT afterwards!!" "Fair enough," the guy says. He stood up on the bar, readied his trousers, and the bartender slid the beer mug down the length of the bar. The guy pissed all over the bar and didn't hit the mug once. The whole crowd laughed their asses off..... "HAHAHAHAHAHA....!! The batender roared. "I knew you couldn't do it! Pay up!! The guy whipped out a hundred, and said to the bartender, "That's OK, man....I bet my buddy a thousand dollars that I could piss all over your bar and you'd do nothing but laugh...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) QUOTE QUOTE (Workaholic Man @ Mar 14 2011, 07:10 PM) Two suspicious-looking guys walked into a bar and ordered drinks and sat down at one of the back tables. The bartender, who wasn't very fond of troublemakers, kept his eye on them from the get-go. Before long, one of the guys walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "We've noticed you've been keeping an eye on us, so to be all friendly, I'll make a bet with you. I'll bet you a round of drinks that I can bite my left eye...." The bartender shrugs his shoulders, "That's a stupid bet for you, man. You're ON..." So the guy takes out his glass eye and bites it. The pissed-off bartender gives the guys their drinks. A while later, the guy goes back up to the still-enraged bartender and says, "OK, we can see your still sore, so I'll make it up to you. I'll bet you two more drinks that I can bite my right eye!" The bartender laughed and said, "You can't get me this time! You can't have TWO glass eyes! You're ON!" So the guy takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The bartender gives him the drinks with a look of pure HATE. A while later, the guy goes back up to the bar and says to the bartender, "OK, we gotta go, but I'll make you one last bet. I bet you a hundred bucks that if you slide a beer mug down the whole length of the bar, I can piss in it all the way down without missing....bet??" The bartender laughed so loud that the whole crowd looked over. "You stupid jackass! You'll never do that! You're ON, and then you and your buddy can GET OUT afterwards!!" "Fair enough," the guy says. He stood up on the bar, readied his trousers, and the bartender slid the beer mug down the length of the bar. The guy pissed all over the bar and didn't hit the mug once. The whole crowd laughed their asses off..... "HAHAHAHAHAHA....!! The batender roared. "I knew you couldn't do it! Pay up!! The guy whipped out a hundred, and said to the bartender, "That's OK, man....I bet my buddy a thousand dollars that I could piss all over your bar and you'd do nothing but laugh...." Edited March 15, 2011 by summer_sky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuskyRunner Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like"?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Mar 16 2011, 09:39 AM) A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like"?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Mar 16 2011, 09:39 AM) A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like"?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hunter Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Sorry if it's already been posted here but... A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, "You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digital Man Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 The Montana Department of Government Offices claimed a small farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate. Montana Government employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. Montana Government employee: That's the guy I want to talk to... the mentally challenged one. Farmer: That would be me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 QUOTE (Digital Man @ Mar 17 2011, 10:14 AM) The Montana Department of Government Offices claimed a small farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate. Montana Government employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. Montana Government employee: That's the guy I want to talk to... the mentally challenged one. Farmer: That would be me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youngoldman Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Why do Italian Battleships have rear view mirrors? So they can watch the battle. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" What happens when a Lawyer takes viagra? he gets taller... What do you get with a lawyer up to his neck in sh*t? not enough sh*t... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuskyRunner Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Two brothers were standing on a pier one day watching divers going into the water off of a boat. After six or eight went into the water, the younger of the two asked his brother, "Why do the divers fall in the water backwards like that?" His brother, looking at him like he had two heads replied, "C'mon Bro, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin' boat!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 [Cruel Joke Of The Day] A guy and his wife go to the doctor to get the results of his latest tests. The doctor says to the guy, "I'm afraid you have only three months to live." The guy gets all upset and says, "What?! I want a second opinion!" The doctor smiles and says, "OK. I think your wife is really hot." [/Cruel Joke Of The Day] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 QUOTE (Workaholic Man @ Mar 20 2011, 10:05 AM) [Cruel Joke Of The Day] A guy and his wife go to the doctor to get the results of his latest tests. The doctor says to the guy, "I'm afraid you have only three months to live." The guy gets all upset and says, "What?! I want a second opinion!" The doctor smiles and says, "OK. I think your wife is really hot." [/Cruel Joke Of The Day] That's cruel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ALifeson85 Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 (edited) Here's a VERY cruel joke...BE WARNED! A man is in the waiting room of a hospital, in total despair. Finally, after HOURS of waiting, the doctor comes into the room: "I have some...bad news about your wife. The car accident has caused her permanent paralysis from the neck down. For the rest of her life, you will have to wash her, feed her, clothe her, and take her everywhere she will need to go. I'm very sorry." The man DROPS to his knees, in tears. The doctor replies, "Ahhh, I'm just screwin' with ya! She's dead." Edited March 20, 2011 by ALifeson85 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Uh oh.....I may have started a dangerous trend here.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 QUOTE (Workaholic Man @ Mar 20 2011, 10:49 AM) Uh oh.....I may have started a dangerous trend here.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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