Joke Of The Day

[Nate2112]

Two boys are arguing about whoes father is better.

 

The first boy says to the three, My father scribbles on paper and calls it a poem

 

The second boy says "That's nothing! my father can scribble on paper and he calls it a song!

 

The third boy says to the others" Ha! Thats nothing! My father scribbles on a paper and calls it a sermon!

[realomind]

[HuskyRunner]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

 

 

[tel]

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 11 2011, 05:59 PM)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

yes coz he came first

[summer_sky]

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 11 2011, 05:59 PM)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

i didn't see that coming. that's funny!

[summer_sky]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

 

 

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (Nate2112 @ Feb 11 2011, 05:02 PM)

Two boys are arguing about whoes father is better. The first boy says to the three, My father scribbles on paper and calls it a poem The second boy says "That's nothing! my father can scribble on paper and he calls it a song! The third boy says to the others" Ha! Thats nothing! My father scribbles on a paper and calls it a sermon!

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

 

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

 

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

[Show Don't Tell]

Q: What's God's favourite chord?

A: Gsus

 

Q: How many alto singers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None - they can't get up that high!

 

Q: How do you get a bass player to stop playing?

A: Put sheet music in front of him.

 

Q: What's the least common phrase in the English language?

A: "Hey, isn't that the trombone player's Porsche?"

 

Q: What's the difference between country players and jazz players?

A: Country players play three chords in front of a thousand people, and jazz players play a thousand chords in front of three people.

[summer_sky]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

 

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

 

 

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[USB Connector]

Some music jokes:

 

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how Neil Peart would have done it.

 

---

Q: What's the best thing to play on a stand-up bass?

A: Solitaire

 

---

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

A: Nobody cries when you chop up the banjo.

 

---

Q: Why was the musician arrested?

A: He was in treble.

 

I have a few more...but I don't think they apply on a Rush forum

[Jaye]

QUOTE (usb_connector @ Feb 13 2011, 02:57 PM)

Some music jokes: Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how Neil Peart would have done it. --- Q: What's the best thing to play on a stand-up bass? A: Solitaire --- Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop up the banjo. --- Q: Why was the musician arrested? A: He was in treble. I have a few more...but I don't think they apply on a Rush forum

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

 

 

A flat minor!

 

 

...

 

 

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

 

 

A flat major!

[Show Don't Tell]

QUOTE (Jaye @ Feb 13 2011, 11:34 AM)

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor! ... What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major!

[Jaye]

A guy goes into the psychiatrist and asks "Can you help me?"

The doctor asks "What's wrong?"

The guy says "One half of me thinks I'm a teepee and the other half thinks I'm a wigwam."

So the doctor says "There's nothing wrong with you, you're just two tents!"

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (Jaye @ Feb 13 2011, 03:11 PM)

A guy goes into the psychiatrist and asks "Can you help me?" The doctor asks "What's wrong?" The guy says "One half of me thinks I'm a teepee and the other half thinks I'm a wigwam." So the doctor says "There's nothing wrong with you, you're just two tents!"

heheheheheee

[tkdryan]

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Feb 13 2011, 04:13 PM)

QUOTE (Jaye @ Feb 13 2011, 03:11 PM) A guy goes into the psychiatrist and asks "Can you help me?" The doctor asks "What's wrong?" The guy says "One half of me thinks I'm a teepee and the other half thinks I'm a wigwam." So the doctor says "There's nothing wrong with you, you're just two tents!" heheheheheee

[summer_sky]

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

 

[Babycat]

What did the lightbulb say to the switch?

 

You turn me on!

 

[Babycat]

What's black and white & makes a lot of noise?

 

A zebra with a drumkit...

[HuskyRunner]

Husband and wife are golfing and the husband tells his wife he needs to clear his conscience. He tells her about an affair he had when they were first married. They continue their round. The wife then tells her husband that she also has a confession. I have to tell you that I had a sex change many years ago she says. The husband becomes very enraged. You son of a bitch, You've been playing from the ladies tees all this time.

 

 

[summer_sky]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in the mall where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with housework... 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor where the sign reads: Floor 6 - you are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!!!

[Khan]

[HuskyRunner]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!".

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 16 2011, 09:41 AM)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing. The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!".

 

[summer_sky]

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

 

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

 

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

 

Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

 

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

 

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement:

"People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."