Joke Of The Day

[summer_sky]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 

(you're gonna love this)

 

 

 

(its a real treat)

 

 

 

( a masterpiece)

 

 

 

 

(wait for it)

 

 

 

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

(You're singing it, aren't you?)

 

[Principled Man]

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Feb 10 2011, 11:27 AM)

(You're singing it, aren't you?)

Yes, I am.

 

And I HATE you for it.....

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (Workaholic Man @ Feb 10 2011, 11:33 AM)

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Feb 10 2011, 11:27 AM) (You're singing it, aren't you?) Yes, I am.   And I HATE you for it..... I love it when a plan comes together!

[tel]

love it!

 

you see bin laden drowning,what do you throw him?

 

 

A. his wife and kids

[Babycat]

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Feb 10 2011, 04:27 PM)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (you're gonna love this) (its a real treat) ( a masterpiece) (wait for it) The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you?)

[Jaye]

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Feb 10 2011, 04:27 PM)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (you're gonna love this) (its a real treat) ( a masterpiece) (wait for it) The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you?)

Heard it!

[-D-RocK-]

Q: What do one million battered women have in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: THEY DON'T F**KIN' LISTEN!!

 

 

[Running Rebel]

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

 

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN

LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

 

 

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

 

 

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

 

 

 

 

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[librarian]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, slides up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

 

 

 

[Show Don't Tell]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

 

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

The women won.

[BeOhBe Bob]

A skeleton walks into a bar

 

 

 

 

He orders a beer, and a mop

[BeOhBe Bob]

ggrrrrooooaaan but funny

 

 

and YES I did start singing it in my head

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (Running Rebel @ Feb 10 2011, 06:26 PM)

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (librarian @ Feb 10 2011, 06:44 PM)

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, slides up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (Show Don't Tell @ Feb 10 2011, 06:56 PM)

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (BeOhBe Bob @ Feb 11 2011, 09:43 AM)

A skeleton walks into a bar He orders a beer, and a mop

love it

[summer_sky]

Question: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

Answer: None. Get the drummer to do it.

 

 

 

 

[BeOhBe Bob]

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Feb 11 2011, 10:56 AM)

Question: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: None. Get the drummer to do it.

BA-DUMP boom!

 

 

 

[Tony R]

I posted this in another forum, but what the hell it's my favourite for this week:

 

 

 

3 Irishmen in a bar. Paddy says" My local's better than this, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd's free." Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free."

Murphy says, "Thats nothin. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get a jump.

"WOW," says the other two, "Has that actually happened to you?" "No," says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister..."

 

[Maverick]

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar...

 

 

And the bartender says...

 

 

What is this, a joke?

[-Jane-]

QUOTE (the oaks @ Feb 11 2011, 08:51 AM)

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar... And the bartender says... What is this, a joke?

kekeke

[Jaye]

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Feb 11 2011, 02:56 PM)

Question: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: None. Get the drummer to do it.

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Four. One to change it and three to argue about how they could have done it better.

[Jaye]

Can you change a lightbulb with one arm?

 

You can if you still have the reciept.

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (Jaye @ Feb 11 2011, 12:30 PM)

Can you change a lightbulb with one arm? You can if you still have the reciept.

*throws rotten tomatoes*

that is bad!

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (Jaye @ Feb 11 2011, 12:28 PM)

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to change it and three to argue about how they could have done it better.

Question: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him