The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[failte]

[ladirushfan80]

A College short story

At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to State College until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they

missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool,they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written.... For 95 points:

 

Which tire? _________

 

 

 

 

[deadwing2112]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Apr 2 2007, 06:39 PM)

A College short story At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to State College until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool,they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written.... For 95 points: Which tire? _________

I've heard that one before. But still is funny.

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Mar 20 2007, 02:45 AM)

Walmart announced that, on January 1, 2007, it would begin offering customers a new discount item Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce it at an affordable price, in the $2- $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas , Bentonville. She said, "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either White meat (Possum) or Red meat (Squirrel).

[Slaine mac Roth]

A polar bear goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and says "Can I have a pint of...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...bitter please?"

 

"Certainly," replies the barman, "but what's with the big pause?"

 

"Don't know," says the polar bear, "I was born with them."

[Jack Aubrey]

New Living Will Form

 

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

 

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

 

______a Martini ______a Margarita ______a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Vodka and Tonic _______a glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______The sports page ______Chocolate

 

It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

 

At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

 

Signature: ___________________________

 

Date: ___________________________

 

 

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!

 

[CeeJ]

QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ Apr 3 2007, 09:35 PM)

New Living Will Form I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______a Martini ______a Margarita ______a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Vodka and Tonic _______a glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______The sports page ______Chocolate It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had. Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________ NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!

 

If I'm not looking for chocolate... PULL THE PLUG!!!

 

BTW... It is St. Mary's Hospital.

 

http://www.seniorjournal.com/NEWS/Odds/5-1...singHomePub.htm

 

I thought that you were kidding.

I think we should all make our reservations now!!!

 

[CeeJ]

A husband and his wife who have been married twenty years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

 

So the man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She says nothing and ignores the remark.

 

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

 

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

[sundog]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women

have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She

tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The

boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell

his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is." Again

satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, "Daddy

is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he

talks, the dumber he gets.

 

[sullysue]

QUOTE (sundog @ Apr 10 2007, 07:21 PM)

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

Good one!

[ladirushfan80]

 

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only a pair of underwear

made of Saran Wrap.

 

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Apr 11 2007, 09:11 PM)

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only a pair of underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

[Rolinda Bonz]

This is so funny; I can see this happening even though the teacher/kids

had the best of intentions. Make sure you read the story first -

then scroll down to see picture.

 

An elementary school class started a class project to make a planter to

take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was

easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants. The students

were given green ware pottery planters in the shape of a clown which they painted with glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a

class outing so they could see the process.

 

It was great fun.They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately the children were not allowed to take them home...the cactus plants were removed and replaced with a small ivy before the children were allowed to take them home.

The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time. Now scroll

down!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/pic04966.jpg

[Lerxst2112]

A baby seal walks into a club......

 

 

 

 

BA DUN TISH!!!

[failte]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Apr 11 2007, 11:59 PM)

This is so funny; I can see this happening even though the teacher/kids had the best of intentions. Make sure you read the story first - then scroll down to see picture. An elementary school class started a class project to make a planter to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants. The students were given green ware pottery planters in the shape of a clown which they painted with glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process. It was great fun.They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately the children were not allowed to take them home...the cactus plants were removed and replaced with a small ivy before the children were allowed to take them home. The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time. Now scroll down! http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/pic04966.jpg

[ladirushfan80]

diehard angler: "I'm going fishin'."

 

friend: "Got worms?"

 

diehard angler: "Yeah, but i'm goin' anyway."

[Slaine mac Roth]

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Rabbi walk into a pub.

 

The barman says "Is this some sort of joke?"

[sullysue]

Redneck Love Poem

 

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue

and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

 

 

 

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.

Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

 

 

 

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

 

 

 

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

 

 

 

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;

I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

 

 

 

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

 

 

 

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,

what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

 

 

 

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

 

 

 

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.

You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

 

 

 

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

 

 

 

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

 

 

 

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.

Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

 

 

 

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,

we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

 

 

 

Luv,

 

Bubba

 

 

 

 

(If you can't read this or you don't get it, consider yore self lucky. I was able to read it once through with no problem. Ahhhh, ain't it grand livin' in the South? )

[Cygnus]

CAJUN FISHIN'.............

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day long an he done run outta

night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he see a snake wit a big

frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decide

to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so

Boudreaux had to be real careful or he git bit.He snuk up behine dat snake and grab him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't

lak dat one bit. He squirm and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to

get hisself free. But Boudreaux hada real good grip on his haid. Well,

Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and put it in his bait can.Now, Boudreaux know dat he cain't let go dat snake or he gonna bite him good

. . . . . . so he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib

overhauls and pull out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He

pour some drops in de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs dey roll back

in his haid and his body go limp.Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he go back to fish'n. A

while later, Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.He s l o w l y look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water

moccasin . . . . . . . . wif two more frogs. Life is Good!

[ladirushfan80]

 

 

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door

 

By his sobbing wife.

 

 

 

Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He

 

Insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I

 

Had to call multiple times before he would even

 

Answer the phone.

 

 

 

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to

 

Confront the druggist and demand an apology.

 

 

 

Before he could say more than a word or two,

 

The druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen

 

To my side of it.

 

 

 

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I

 

Was late getting up.

 

 

 

I went without breakfast and hurried out to

 

The car, just to realize that I locked the house

 

With both house and car keys inside and had to

 

Break a window to get my keys.

 

 

 

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

 

 

 

Later, when I was about three blocks from the

 

Store, I had a flat tire.

 

 

 

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch

 

Of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store

 

Opened and started waiting on these people, and all

 

The time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

 

 

 

He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the

 

Cash register drawer to make change,

 

And they spilled all over the floor. I had to get

 

Down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels

 

And the phone was still ringing.

 

 

 

When I came up I cracked my head on the open

 

Cash drawer, which made me stagger back against

 

A showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.

 

Half of them hit the floor and broke.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up,

 

And I finally got back to answer it.

 

 

 

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use

 

A rectal thermometer.

 

 

 

And believe me mister, as God is my witness,

 

All I did was tell her.

 

 

[failte]

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 16 2007, 10:59 AM)

CAJUN FISHIN'............. Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day long an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he see a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decide to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he git bit.He snuk up behine dat snake and grab him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirm and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux hada real good grip on his haid. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and put it in his bait can.Now, Boudreaux know dat he cain't let go dat snake or he gonna bite him good . . . . . . so he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pull out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops in de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs dey roll back in his haid and his body go limp.Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he go back to fish'n. A while later, Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.He s l o w l y look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin . . . . . . . . wif two more frogs. Life is Good!

Did Whitetrash tell you dat story?

[Daylin]

[sundog]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye

now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking

buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[deadwing2112]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Apr 11 2007, 08:11 PM)

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only a pair of underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

 

No pun intended?