The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[nebbish]

WHEN YOU'RE FEELING STUPID, READ THIS!

 

 

 

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

 

 

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not

live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,

then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,

which is why I would not live forever,"

 

 

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

 

 

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids

all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love

to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and

death and stuff."

 

--Mariah Carey

 

 

 

 

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very

important part of your life,"

 

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become

Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

 

 

 

 

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part

of my body,"

 

-- Winston Bennett,

University of Kentucky basketball forward .

 

 

 

 

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the

lowest crime rates in the country,"

 

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

 

 

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death

by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

 

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

 

 

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

 

 

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's

the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

 

--Al Gore, Vice President

 

 

And .

 

"We are ready for an un foreseen event that

may or may not occur."

 

-- Al Gore, VP

 

 

 

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

 

 

-- Dan Quayle

 

 

 

 

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much

clean air do we need ?"

 

--Lee Iacocca

 

 

 

 

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A

genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

 

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

 

 

 

 

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude

certain types of people."

 

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .

 

 

 

 

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

 

--Bill Clinton, President

 

 

 

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come

from overseas."

 

--Keppel Enderbery

 

 

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective

March 1992 because we received notice that

you passed away. May God bless you. You may

reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

 

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

 

 

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack

in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their

heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when

they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

 

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[Cygnus]

Jewish Laundry in Chinatown

 

 

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown,

a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the

artistry of all the Chinese restaurants,

shops, signs and banners when he turned a

corner and saw a building with the sign "Moshe

Plotnik's Laundry." "Moshe Plotnik?" he wondered.

"How does that belong in Chinatown?"

 

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly

standard looking dry cleaner, although he could

see that the proprietors were clearly aware

of the uniqueness of the store name as there

were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs

emblazoned with the logo "Moshe Plotnik's

Chinese Laundry."

 

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a

conversation piece to take back to his office.

Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese

gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this

place got a name like ''Moshe Plotnik's Laundry?''

 

The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask

me that . It name of owner."

 

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"

 

"It me," replies the old man.

 

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get

a name like Moshe Plotnik?"

 

"Is simple", said the old man. "Many, many

yeas ago I come to this countwy. I standing

in line at "Documentation Cente of Immigwation."

Man in fwont of me was Jewish man fwom Poland.

Lady at counte look at him and say,

"What you name?" He say, "Moshe Plotnik."

 

Then she look at me and say, "What's you name?"

 

 

I say, "Sam Ting"

[Rolinda Bonz]

[Rolinda Bonz]

[Rolinda Bonz]

In other news...

 

Someone broke into the Gilbert police Station this weekend and stole all the toilet seats.

When asked by a reporter if there were any leads in the case, a Gilbert Police rep said,

"the Gilbert Police have nothing to go on at this time."

[LakesideMaiden]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Sep 4 2007, 02:36 PM)

In other news... Someone broke into the Gilbert police Station this weekend and stole all the toilet seats. When asked by a reporter if there were any leads in the case, a Gilbert Police rep said, "the Gilbert Police have nothing to go on at this time."

[nebbish]

The Good News First

 

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have

 

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

 

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there

. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

 

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act,she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news And some bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life

of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved ,hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you

saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

 

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[Cygnus]

[Cygnus]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took

it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in

its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this

from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair'

hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady

goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair. At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're

going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant

for a few days." The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my

arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your

legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs

either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle

for a week.

[nebbish]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teachers pet gets up and says,

"Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,

"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent,

 

 

 

punch line

 

 

 

"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush,

and my dad says it will take the contagious."

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

Hurry Dad! Come see the kittens!

 

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/2.2.jpg

[Jaye]

A satyr tells a funny joke

("Satyrs are supposed to be funny, y'know")

 

 

 

 

 

Incidentally, I didn't draw this, but Booker/Kory is one of my fave artists on DA.

[Lady April]

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard but I laughed anyway cause I am a total dork!

 

Two Robots were were walking down the road and the first says "man, I've lost and electron."

The other replies "are you sure?"

The first responds "yeah, I'm positive."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Lady April @ Sep 29 2007, 03:26 PM)

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard but I laughed anyway cause I am a total dork! Two Robots were were walking down the road and the first says "man, I've lost and electron." The other replies "are you sure?" The first responds "yeah, I'm positive."

[Jaye]

How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1.5million... ...to conquer a race who can climb ladders for them!!

 

 

 

(My dad just told me that one )

[Lady April]

Whoa dude total braniac joke, Awesome!!!

[Ya_Big_Tree]

[Digital Man]

QUOTE (Lady April @ Sep 29 2007, 06:26 PM)

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard but I laughed anyway cause I am a total dork! Two Robots were were walking down the road and the first says "man, I've lost and electron." The other replies "are you sure?" The first responds "yeah, I'm positive."

I love that joke, but I always tell it as two atoms are walking down the street...

 

 

A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a drink. The batender says "We don't serve strings here, get out." So the string goes and sits on the curb. He falls into the gutter, which is wet, then gets run over by a car. As he is climbing back up onto the curb a pedestrian steps on him smashing him back into the wet gutter. He finally gets back on the curb and is a mess, he is all twisted up, wet and coming apart. He goes back into the bar. He gets up on the stool and orders another drink. The bartender asks him "Say, aren't that piece of string that was in here a while ago?" The string replies: "No, I'm afraid not" (say it outloud )

[Cygnus]

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is

 

stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

[Cygnus]

[Alsgalpal]

 

 

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in

Catholic School. Usually she slept through the

class.

 

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she

was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created

the universe?"

 

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who

was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.

 

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun

said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

 

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is

our Lord and Savior?"

 

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again,

Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in

the butt.

 

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun

once again said," Very good," and Mary Margaret fell

back asleep.

 

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve

say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

 

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary

Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that

damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

 

The nun fainted.

[nebbish]

An Irish Ghost Story

 

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though itsounds

like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true. John Bradford, a Dublin

University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very

dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no

car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet

ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and

stopped. John, desperate for shelterand without thinking about it, got

into the car and closed the door...only to realise there was nobody

behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving

slowly. John looked at the road ahead andsaw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the

car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the

wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came

through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter

John saw the lights of a pub appear down theroad, so, gathering

strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of

breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the

horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying

and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people

walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also

soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford

sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... 'Look Paddy.....there's

that f ..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

 

 

 

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

Here's one for English Rugby fans...

 

Sales of condoms in the Southern Hemisphere reached an all time low when it discovered that you can F**k 15 australians with one Johnny

[Test4VitalSigns]

A husband leans over to his wife in a bar and says, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

 

"Yes," she says. "I remember it well."

 

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

 

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good, idea!" she says.

 

There's a man sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

 

So he follows them behind the tavern. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the man has ever seen. This goes on for about 40 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

 

The man is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. As the couple passes the man, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

 

The old man says, "Fifty years, ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Hatchetaxe&saw]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Oct 20 2007, 06:56 AM)

A husband leans over to his wife in a bar and says, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says. "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good, idea!" she says. There's a man sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them behind the tavern. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the man has ever seen. This goes on for about 40 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The man is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. As the couple passes the man, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" The old man says, "Fifty years, ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

A guy goes into a library and asks the the librarian, "Can I have a bag of fish and chips please?"

The librarian abruptly replies, "Sir, this is a library!"

So he whispers, "Can I have a bag of fish and chips please?"