The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Lerxster]

Samuel went to confession and told the priest, "Father, I'm 70 years old, married with four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."

"My son, when was the last time you were in confession?" the priest asked.

"Never, Father. I'm Jewish."

"Well, then, why are you telling me?"

 

"I'm telling everybody!"

[Fridge]

Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem!"

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

 

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.

"I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry.

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,

"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

 

======= PART TWO ======

 

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he, walks up carrying the familiar peeper bag.

He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.

Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

 

======= PART THREE ======

 

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar

'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head -

"Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hengliding!"

 

[Jaye]

Good one, Fridge!

[nettiesaur]

Great one!!!!

[owlswing]

*_Why parents drink_*

 

*The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned

in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main

computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted

with a child's whisper. "**/Hello /? **"** *

 

*"Is your daddy home?" he asked.*

 

*" **/Yes /**," whispered the small voice.** *

 

*May I talk with him?"** *

 

*The child whispered, " **/No /**."** *

 

*Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your

Mommy there?" *

 

*/"Yes."/*

 

*"May I talk with her?"*

 

*Again the small voice whispered, "**/No /**. "*

 

*Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss

asked, "Is anybody else there?"** *

 

*" **/Yes /**," whispered the child, " **/a policeman /**".** *

 

*Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss

asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"** *

 

*" **/No, he's busy /**", whispered the child.** *

 

*"Busy doing what?"** *

 

*" **/Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman /**," came the

whispered answer.** *

 

*Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through

the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"** *

 

 

*" **/A helicopter /**" **answered the whispering voice.** *

 

*"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.** *

 

*Again, whispering, the child answered, " **/The search team just

landed a helicopter /**."** *

 

*Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked , "What are

they searching for?"** *

 

*Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...** *

*" **/ME /**."*

 

[nettiesaur]

[missionman]

These jokes are so funny my stomach hurts from laughing

[J0N]

QUOTE (owlswing @ Feb 2 2008, 03:05 AM)

*_Why parents drink_* *The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "**/Hello /? **"** * *"Is your daddy home?" he asked.* *" **/Yes /**," whispered the small voice.** * *May I talk with him?"** * *The child whispered, " **/No /**."** * *Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" * */"Yes."/* *"May I talk with her?"* *Again the small voice whispered, "**/No /**. "* *Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"** * *" **/Yes /**," whispered the child, " **/a policeman /**".** * *Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"** * *" **/No, he's busy /**", whispered the child.** * *"Busy doing what?"** * *" **/Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman /**," came the whispered answer.** * *Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"** * *" **/A helicopter /**" **answered the whispering voice.** * *"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.** * *Again, whispering, the child answered, " **/The search team just landed a helicopter /**."** * *Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked , "What are they searching for?"** * *Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...** * *" **/ME /**."*

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Lerxster @ Feb 1 2008, 12:20 PM)

Samuel went to confession and told the priest, "Father, I'm 70 years old, married with four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice." "My son, when was the last time you were in confession?" the priest asked. "Never, Father. I'm Jewish." "Well, then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody!"

[Arleen2112]

Not a joke..but I thought this was funny

 

http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg174/Arleen66/untitled-1.jpg

[sundog]

QUOTE (Arleen2112 @ Feb 5 2008, 09:47 AM)

Not a joke..but I thought this was funny http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg174/Arleen66/untitled-1.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/sundog918/smileys/thhappygiggle.gif

[Arleen2112]

A business man got on an elevator.

 

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a

bright, 'T.G.I.F.'

 

He smiled at her and replied, 'S.H.I.T.'

 

She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T.G.I.F.' more slowly.

 

He again answered, 'S..H.I.T.'

 

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,

and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T.G.I.F.'

 

The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S.H.I.T.'

 

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

 

'T.G.I.F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'

 

The man answered, ''S.H.I.T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

 

[joanneeeeee]

QUOTE (Arleen2112 @ Feb 7 2008, 01:13 AM)

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T.G.I.F.' He smiled at her and replied, 'S.H.I.T.' She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T.G.I.F.' more slowly. He again answered, 'S..H.I.T.' The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T.G.I.F.' The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S.H.I.T.' The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T.G.I.F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?' The man answered, ''S.H.I.T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

 

I love blond jokes!

[joanneeeeee]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

 

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

 

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

 

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

 

"No, from all that skipping."

[joanneeeeee]

There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each (you get the picture)...

 

The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.

 

The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski"

 

With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.

 

The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says," Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

[Milton Bridge]

Heathrow Airport's new landing lights

 

 

 

http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w254/sodor/Heathrow.gif

[sullysue]

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.

 

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

 

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

 

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

 

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

 

'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

 

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

 

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

 

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

 

'No sh*t?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 8 2008, 07:47 AM)

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' 'Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' 'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' 'No sh*t?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

very good!

[Magnus]

[nettiesaur]

Leroy and his wife Carol live up north. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through'.

 

Carol goes out and moves her car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,' We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.

 

Carol goes out and moves her car again.

 

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio Announcer says' We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park. ' Then the electric power goes out.

 

Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?'

 

With the love & understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Leroy says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'

[EveryNerveAware]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"

 

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

 

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

 

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

 

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

 

 

[nettiesaur]

A Blonde in Michigan...

 

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catch es up. She jumps out of

her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers

the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of

your load."

 

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck

stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of

her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the

window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name

is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the

trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

 

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,

the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The

trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and

you are losing some of your load! When the light turns green the trucker

revs up and races to the next light.

 

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back

to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT

TRUCK!

 

 

[Arleen2112]

QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Feb 9 2008, 03:08 PM)

A Blonde in Michigan... As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catch es up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

Good One!

[gleamingalloyaircar81]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were about to be put in the electric chair. First was the redhead. The executioner asked her if she had any last words and she said no, and he told her if she lives she would be free. So he flipped the switch. Nothing happened so she was free to go. Next the brunette was up. The executioner asked her if she had any last words and told her if she lived she would be free to go. She said no. He fliped the switch, nothing happened so she was free to go. Then the blonde got in the chair and when asked if she had any last words she said yes, I think if you plug it in it will work better!

[Slacker]

A first-grade teacher explains to her class that she is an New England Patriots fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Patriots fans too. Not really knowing what a Patriots fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

 

There is, however, one exception. Kelly has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Patriots fan" she reports.

 

"Then," asks the teacher," What are you?"

 

"I'm a New York Giants fan," boasts the little girl.

 

The teacher asks Susie why she is a Giants fan.

 

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Giants fans, so I'm a Giants fan too," she responds.

 

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

 

Kelly smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Patriots fan."