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#21 Cygnus

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Posted 03 September 2005 - 08:54 PM

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#22 DonnaWanna

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Posted 05 September 2005 - 11:27 AM

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#23 Cygnus

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Posted 06 September 2005 - 08:50 AM

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring
her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have
the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50
year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."



#24 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 08:00 AM

8 Things You Will Never Hear a Woman Say
--------------------------------------------------
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!


#25 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 11:45 AM

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.



#26 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 11:45 AM

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


#27 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 11:45 AM

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


#28 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 11:46 AM

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

#29 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 11:46 AM

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

#30 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 11:46 AM

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.


#31 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 11:47 AM

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

#32 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 11:47 AM

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.


#33 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 11:47 AM

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.


#34 Cygnus

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 11:49 AM

Just joshin  wink.gif  Please no nasty PMs  
I will go Now

#35 Digital Man

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 12:17 PM

God noticed Adam was lonely & decided to make a mate for him.  God said " Iwll make a mate for youy at a price, what qualitites would you  like your mate to have?".    Adam said "Kind, helpful, feed me, clean for me, take care of me, cook for me, take care of my every desire".  God said "That's a pretty tall order, it's going to cost you one arm & one leg".  Adam thought about God's price, he answered "Weeeell, then what can I get for a rib?"  

#36 Digital Man

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 12:19 PM

My followup joke so I don't get beatup...

A man asked God, "Why did you make women so beautuful, & make them smell so good?"  God answered "So you would love them".  Then man asked "But why did you make them so stupid?".  God's answer "So they would love YOU."

#37 sundog

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Posted 09 September 2005 - 06:27 PM

Are you a B.I.T.C.H ?


I used to think that B.I.T.C.H.
was a BAD word but not anymore!



When she stands up for herself and
her beliefs, they call her a bitch



When she stand up for those she love,
they call her a bitch.



When she speak her mind, think her own thoughts,
or do things her own way, they call her a bitch.



When she refuse to tolerate injustice and
speak up against it,she is defined as a bitch.



The same thing happens when she takes
time for herself instead of being everyone's maid
or when she acts a little selfish.



Being a bitch has meant raising your children to be strong people
who have a solid sense of personal and social responsibility,
who are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in
and who love and respect themselves for the beautiful beings they are.



Being a bitch means that you are free to be
the wonderful creature that you are,
with all your own intricacies, contradictions,
quirks and beauty.



Being a bitch means you won't compromise what's in your heart.
It means you live your life your way.
It means you won't allow anyone to step on you.





B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself  
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#38 Cygnus

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Posted 09 September 2005 - 06:31 PM

I know alot of bitches

thats a good thing now trink39.gif  

#39 sundog

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Posted 09 September 2005 - 07:15 PM

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 9 2005, 07:31 PM)
I know alot of bitches

thats a good thing now trink39.gif

  wink.gif  trink39.gif  

#40 sundog

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Posted 12 September 2005 - 07:11 AM

Why Women Are Crabby




We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.


Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.


Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
                              
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar.  Calm down and push.  Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years."  Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"?  

Yeah right.  Bite me.


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