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#1 Digital Man

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Posted 13 April 2005 - 10:56 AM

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither
do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun
formation,
or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.  

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#2 Geddy's Gal

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Posted 13 April 2005 - 11:39 AM

My goodness.......you are living very dangerously today, Digital Man !!!!!!!
  
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#3 Daylin

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Posted 13 April 2005 - 12:26 PM

  laugh.gif  rofl3.gif I luv it!

Okay, now I finally know how a man thinks!! confused13.gif

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#4 Slaine mac Roth

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Posted 13 April 2005 - 01:05 PM

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Apr 13 2005, 03:56 PM)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


That is very important and has needed to be said for a long, long, long time

#5 ladirushfan80

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Posted 13 April 2005 - 01:24 PM

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Apr 13 2005, 11:56 AM)

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.


some of my walls have a 'mauve' color...




the "man" of the house calls it purple... laugh.gif  

#6 GhostGirl

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    over and over

Posted 13 April 2005 - 01:32 PM

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Apr 13 2005, 10:56 AM)
1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

Blasphemy!!!!

rofl3.gif  rofl3.gif  rofl3.gif



#7 neilpeart_gal

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Posted 13 April 2005 - 01:41 PM

Ditto.  laugh.gif

#8 Rolinda Bonz

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Posted 13 April 2005 - 03:22 PM

Item #1 duly noted.

Ahh, communication!!! (kuh-myoo-nik-a-shun)

There now, was that so hard?

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#9 ladirushfan80

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Posted 14 April 2005 - 05:53 AM


here ya go gentleman.... a little help....



This explains it all!!!


Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" into our blouses at 9 or 10 years
old only to find
out that anything that came in contact with those
tender, blooming buds hurt
so bad it brought us to tears. So came the
ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would
snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or
sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we
got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our
legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we
had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not)
was having sex for
the first time which was about as much fun as having a
ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder
what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live
on dry crackers
and water for a few months so we didn't spend the
entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are
(and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside
us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were
preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we had swallowed a
watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the
big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst
right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon
feet, moaning in pain
all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB
says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push.
Just one more good push
(more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved
impulse to punch the OB and hubby square in the face for making us cram a
wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to
find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little
darlings morphed
into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,
life-sucking little poop machines.

Then... come their teen years. Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our
voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his
somewhere around his 18th birthday and is now all but null and void.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause,"
the Grandmother
of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance
cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions,
or, sweat like a hog, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the
head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than
men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being
able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make
the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

Send this to bright women you know and make their
day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little... but not too hard or
they may pee their panties.

The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause.

     Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated,
Forgetful and Psycho.


#10 GhostGirl

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    to instruct myself
    over and over

Posted 14 April 2005 - 08:49 AM

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Apr 14 2005, 05:53 AM)
Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

Hell yes!!!

firedevil.gif

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#11 sullysue

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Posted 15 April 2005 - 05:28 PM

I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying.  rofl3.gif  

#12 Cygnus

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Posted 19 August 2005 - 07:56 AM

"Sucking It In"

#13 La villa edwardo

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Posted 19 August 2005 - 12:51 PM

It's all true at least the male part. goodpost.gif  

#14 Alsgalpal

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Posted 19 August 2005 - 05:13 PM

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Apr 14 2005, 05:53 AM)
here ya go gentleman.... a little help....



This explains it all!!!


Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" into our blouses at 9 or 10 years
old only to find
out that anything that came in contact with those
tender, blooming buds hurt
so bad it brought us to tears. So came the
ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would
snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or
sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we
got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our
legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we
had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not)
was having sex for
the first time which was about as much fun as having a
ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder
what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live
on dry crackers
and water for a few months so we didn't spend the
entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are
(and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside
us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were
preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we had swallowed a
watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the
big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst
right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon
feet, moaning in pain
all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB
says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push.
Just one more good push
(more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved
impulse to punch the OB and hubby square in the face for making us cram a
wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to
find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little
darlings morphed
into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,
life-sucking little poop machines.

Then... come their teen years. Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our
voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his
somewhere around his 18th birthday and is now all but null and void.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause,"
the Grandmother
of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance
cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions,
or, sweat like a hog, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the
head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than
men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being
able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make
the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

Send this to bright women you know and make their
day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little... but not too hard or
they may pee their panties.

The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause.

     Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated,
Forgetful and Psycho.

z7shysterical.gif  



I love the seven dwarfs of womanhood.  Shall we call them the seven little piss ants of womanhood?  laugh.gif

#15 Cygnus

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Posted 28 August 2005 - 06:32 PM

user posted image

#16 Cygnus

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Posted 01 September 2005 - 01:21 PM

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.



#17 CanEHdian

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Posted 01 September 2005 - 02:22 PM

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 1 2005, 02:21 PM)
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

  biggrin.gif

trink39.gif  

#18 Drumnut

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Posted 01 September 2005 - 02:29 PM

QUOTE (CanEHdian @ Sep 1 2005, 11:22 AM)
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring Coke.
biggrin.gif

trink39.gif

trink38.gif   new_thumbsupsmileyanim.gif  

#19 CanEHdian

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Posted 01 September 2005 - 04:52 PM

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Sep 1 2005, 03:29 PM)
QUOTE (CanEHdian @ Sep 1 2005, 11:22 AM)
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring Coke.
biggrin.gif

trink39.gif

trink38.gif   new_thumbsupsmileyanim.gif

  wub.gif  wink.gif  

#20 Cygnus

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Posted 02 September 2005 - 10:38 AM

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