Question for those with aging parents

[Blue J]

I didn't know where the best place for this topic might be, so I'm just putting it here.

 

My parents are nearing 70, which is certainly an age that that "anything can happen" philosophy with regard to people's health does start happening, more and more. And I realized that I have no idea what will happen to all of their things, all that material stuff, when they die. They're still healthy- my mother and stepfather travel all the time, and my dad still gets up at 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning every day to exercise, and also, most weeks he works not five but six days, still. None of them are slowing down very much, at this point. But I can't help but think that it can't be too much longer, they'll start slowing down, and...whatever might happen, I don't know.

 

The thing is, I haven't had what I would call a great relationship with any of them since I was a kid. There were a lot of ugly times, and all of us are collectively at fault for that. And if I'm being totally honest, some of those things have never healed, and probably won't, and I don't care that much if they do or not.

 

But I have a feeling that I'm the one who is going to be dealing with all of their affairs after they're gone, and I have no idea how to approach them to have that kind of talk- to ask them about having access to all of those things- real estate, titles to cars, et cetera, so that it's not a total nightmare for me. And whatever approach I decide to take, I'll have to go through it twice- with my stepfather, and then my father.

 

Is anybody else in a similar predicament? Or if you've already figured it out, how did you make the approach?

 

I thought about posting this in Sense O'Clock, even though it's not political, but just because I thought I might get serious and cogent replies from the people who usually populate that area of the forum. But at any rate...any help or advice is appreciated.

[treeduck]

I'm in the middle of this kind of experience. Not too long off I'll be the only member left of the family I grew up with. Then it'll be time for me to wander the earth like Kwai Chang Caine.

 

http://daobg.com/public/style_emoticons/default/aikido.gif

[Narps]

My dad will be 80 next month and my mom just turned 76. I have two older brothers and a younger sister. My dad informed me a few years ago that I am executor of his will. My mother is not but I am. When he dies (whether or not my mom is still alive) everything goes to me to divide. He gives me updated financial info periodically so I will know whats happening. Any time they make any financial move of note he tells me. I am still nervous about the whole thing when it does finally go down. I have a feeling my siblings and I might have some interesting times ahead....

[Narps]

I'm in the middle of this kind of experience. Not too long off I'll be the only member left of the family I grew up with. Then it'll be time for me to wander the earth like Kwai Chang Caine.

 

http://daobg.com/public/style_emoticons/default/aikido.gif

And kick some ass..... :haz:

[treeduck]

I'm in the middle of this kind of experience. Not too long off I'll be the only member left of the family I grew up with. Then it'll be time for me to wander the earth like Kwai Chang Caine.

 

http://daobg.com/public/style_emoticons/default/aikido.gif

And kick some ass..... :haz:

http://www.shaolinlomita.com/David2.jpg

[Narps]

I'm in the middle of this kind of experience. Not too long off I'll be the only member left of the family I grew up with. Then it'll be time for me to wander the earth like Kwai Chang Caine.

 

http://daobg.com/public/style_emoticons/default/aikido.gif

And kick some ass..... :haz:

http://www.shaolinlomita.com/David2.jpg

One of my favorite shows growing up.... :)

[treeduck]

I'm in the middle of this kind of experience. Not too long off I'll be the only member left of the family I grew up with. Then it'll be time for me to wander the earth like Kwai Chang Caine.

 

http://daobg.com/public/style_emoticons/default/aikido.gif

And kick some ass..... :haz:

http://www.shaolinlomita.com/David2.jpg

One of my favorite shows growing up.... :)

Aye me too and Johnny Blaze who is the Kwai Chang of TRF!

[Turbine Freight]

I didn't know where the best place for this topic might be, so I'm just putting it here.

 

My parents are nearing 70, which is certainly an age that that "anything can happen" philosophy with regard to people's health does start happening, more and more. And I realized that I have no idea what will happen to all of their things, all that material stuff, when they die. They're still healthy- my mother and stepfather travel all the time, and my dad still gets up at 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning every day to exercise, and also, most weeks he works not five but six days, still. None of them are slowing down very much, at this point. But I can't help but think that it can't be too much longer, they'll start slowing down, and...whatever might happen, I don't know.

 

The thing is, I haven't had what I would call a great relationship with any of them since I was a kid. There were a lot of ugly times, and all of us are collectively at fault for that. And if I'm being totally honest, some of those things have never healed, and probably won't, and I don't care that much if they do or not.

 

But I have a feeling that I'm the one who is going to be dealing with all of their affairs after they're gone, and I have no idea how to approach them to have that kind of talk- to ask them about having access to all of those things- real estate, titles to cars, et cetera, so that it's not a total nightmare for me. And whatever approach I decide to take, I'll have to go through it twice- with my stepfather, and then my father.

 

Is anybody else in a similar predicament? Or if you've already figured it out, how did you make the approach?

 

I thought about posting this in Sense O'Clock, even though it's not political, but just because I thought I might get serious and cogent replies from the people who usually populate that area of the forum. But at any rate...any help or advice is appreciated.

 

The one piece of advice I would give is ensure that your parents don't die intestate. If they don't leave a will, it's an absolute fing nightmare to sort out after they pass away & it costs a fair bit of time & money to get things settled.

 

If it's difficult to broach the subject head on, maybe you can be a wee bit more tactful by saying you're thinking of making a will yourself & ask them who they went to in order to settle their affairs. That way you find out if they've made a will or not without making waves.

 

Good luck.

[Blue J]

 

The one piece of advice I would give is ensure that your parents don't die intestate. If they don't leave a will, it's an absolute fing nightmare to sort out after they pass away & it costs a fair bit of time & money to get things settled.

 

If it's difficult to broach the subject head on, maybe you can be a wee bit more tactful by saying you're thinking of making a will yourself & ask them who they went to in order to settle their affairs. That way you find out if they've made a will or not without making waves.

 

Good luck.

 

My stepfather was an attorney, so I'm sure he and my mother have wills, and I'm sure my dad does, too. I guess I'm just dreading the conversation with them, and I don't know how long (or even if) I should wait for them to bring it up.

 

If they have things that aren't mentioned in a will, I guess that's what I'm dreading- asking to see all of that, or to know what they have. They just have a lot of material shite. And it's just something we generally don't talk about. I don't even know how much they actually have- no real idea at all.

 

It's very uncharacteristic of me to even be thinking about this, but...I just am. Thank you for the serious response.

[treeduck]

The one piece of advice I would give is ensure that your parents don't die intestate. If they don't leave a will, it's an absolute fing nightmare to sort out after they pass away & it costs a fair bit of time & money to get things settled.

 

If it's difficult to broach the subject head on, maybe you can be a wee bit more tactful by saying you're thinking of making a will yourself & ask them who they went to in order to settle their affairs. That way you find out if they've made a will or not without making waves.

 

Good luck.

 

My stepfather was an attorney, so I'm sure he and my mother have wills, and I'm sure my dad does, too. I guess I'm just dreading the conversation with them, and I don't know how long (or even if) I should wait for them to bring it up.

 

If they have things that aren't mentioned in a will, I guess that's what I'm dreading- asking to see all of that, or to know what they have. They just have a lot of material shite. And it's just something we generally don't talk about. I don't even know how much they actually have- no real idea at all.

 

It's very uncharacteristic of me to even be thinking about this, but...I just am. Thank you for the serious response.

I was serious!

[Blue J]

The one piece of advice I would give is ensure that your parents don't die intestate. If they don't leave a will, it's an absolute fing nightmare to sort out after they pass away & it costs a fair bit of time & money to get things settled.

 

If it's difficult to broach the subject head on, maybe you can be a wee bit more tactful by saying you're thinking of making a will yourself & ask them who they went to in order to settle their affairs. That way you find out if they've made a will or not without making waves.

 

Good luck.

 

My stepfather was an attorney, so I'm sure he and my mother have wills, and I'm sure my dad does, too. I guess I'm just dreading the conversation with them, and I don't know how long (or even if) I should wait for them to bring it up.

 

If they have things that aren't mentioned in a will, I guess that's what I'm dreading- asking to see all of that, or to know what they have. They just have a lot of material shite. And it's just something we generally don't talk about. I don't even know how much they actually have- no real idea at all.

 

It's very uncharacteristic of me to even be thinking about this, but...I just am. Thank you for the serious response.

I was serious!

 

Oh, I know- I believe it, if you're going through the same, soon. I didn't mean any sarcasm about that.

 

It was the little detour that the thread took after that. ;). No worries.

[Blue J]

My dad will be 80 next month and my mom just turned 76. I have two older brothers and a younger sister. My dad informed me a few years ago that I am executor of his will. My mother is not but I am. When he dies (whether or not my mom is still alive) everything goes to me to divide. He gives me updated financial info periodically so I will know whats happening. Any time they make any financial move of note he tells me. I am still nervous about the whole thing when it does finally go down. I have a feeling my siblings and I might have some interesting times ahead....

 

Yes, see, that's exactly what I'm talking about. That's the kind of thing that just doesn't happen in my family, it seems.

[Principled Man]

But I have a feeling that I'm the one who is going to be dealing with all of their affairs after they're gone, and I have no idea how to approach them to have that kind of talk....

 

 

If they're in good shape, you need not bring it up at all. You have time.

 

Secondly, it's my opinion that it's THEIR responsibility to approach you or whomever regarding their estate and who they want to take care of it after they pass away. If I were you, I wouldn't feel any need to approach them about it....not now. If they're responsible people, then they will do the right thing.

 

And, to be blunt, you don't have to take responsibility for anything if you don't want it. You can always refuse if you feel that it's not right. That will be a serious judgement call on your part.

[anima]

I was about to suggest what Turbine Freight said.

 

My dad died nearly 2 weeks ago at the age of 86. Last time my mum asked him what was in his will, he couldn't remember. It turned out he left everything to her, so that was straightforward. I also found out from the solicitor that Mum (who is 91) has not made a will, though she'd previously told me they had both made their wills at the same time. Her comment was "I thought your dad would probably die first so I thought there wasn't much point in sorting out my will till I knew what he'd left me..."

 

So - yes, sort it out while they're alive and rational....

 

If you have siblings it might be a good idea to ask them if they have any info. Or maybe agree to talk to your parents together.

[Narps]

My dad will be 80 next month and my mom just turned 76. I have two older brothers and a younger sister. My dad informed me a few years ago that I am executor of his will. My mother is not but I am. When he dies (whether or not my mom is still alive) everything goes to me to divide. He gives me updated financial info periodically so I will know whats happening. Any time they make any financial move of note he tells me. I am still nervous about the whole thing when it does finally go down. I have a feeling my siblings and I might have some interesting times ahead....

 

Yes, see, that's exactly what I'm talking about. That's the kind of thing that just doesn't happen in my family, it seems.

If you ever met my dad ( a physicist and man of science) you would understand. He would never leave anything to chance whether he is alive or not.... :)

[Blue J]

But I have a feeling that I'm the one who is going to be dealing with all of their affairs after they're gone, and I have no idea how to approach them to have that kind of talk....

 

 

If they're in good shape, you need not bring it up at all. You have time.

 

Secondly, it's my opinion that it's THEIR responsibility to approach you or whomever regarding their estate and who they want to take care of it after they pass away. If I were you, I wouldn't feel any need to approach them about it....not now. If they're responsible people, then they will do the right thing.

 

And, to be blunt, you don't have to take responsibility for anything if you don't want it. You can always refuse if you feel that it's not right. That will be a serious judgement call on your part.

 

I think you're probably right that it is their responsibility to make sure everything is tended to, and not mine. And you're right, I probably have a little bit of time. One never knows, I guess, that's all.

[Blue J]

I was about to suggest what Turbine Freight said.

 

My dad died nearly 2 weeks ago at the age of 86. Last time my mum asked him what was in his will, he couldn't remember. It turned out he left everything to her, so that was straightforward. I also found out from the solicitor that Mum (who is 91) has not made a will, though she'd previously told me they had both made their wills at the same time. Her comment was "I thought your dad would probably die first so I thought there wasn't much point in sorting out my will till I knew what he'd left me..."

 

So - yes, sort it out while they're alive and rational....

 

If you have siblings it might be a good idea to ask them if they have any info. Or maybe agree to talk to your parents together.

 

I have a half brother on one side, and a step brother on the other. Two siblings of ours have died already, which is another reason why I think about this stuff. I was NOT impressed (that's putting it mildly) with how my parents handled my sister's similar affairs- which is another source of my worry, or...something. Whatever this is.

 

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.

[treeduck]

The one piece of advice I would give is ensure that your parents don't die intestate. If they don't leave a will, it's an absolute fing nightmare to sort out after they pass away & it costs a fair bit of time & money to get things settled.

 

If it's difficult to broach the subject head on, maybe you can be a wee bit more tactful by saying you're thinking of making a will yourself & ask them who they went to in order to settle their affairs. That way you find out if they've made a will or not without making waves.

 

Good luck.

 

My stepfather was an attorney, so I'm sure he and my mother have wills, and I'm sure my dad does, too. I guess I'm just dreading the conversation with them, and I don't know how long (or even if) I should wait for them to bring it up.

 

If they have things that aren't mentioned in a will, I guess that's what I'm dreading- asking to see all of that, or to know what they have. They just have a lot of material shite. And it's just something we generally don't talk about. I don't even know how much they actually have- no real idea at all.

 

It's very uncharacteristic of me to even be thinking about this, but...I just am. Thank you for the serious response.

I was serious!

 

Oh, I know- I believe it, if you're going through the same, soon. I didn't mean any sarcasm about that.

 

It was the little detour that the thread took after that. ;). No worries.

Well Kung Fu often pops up on here for no apparent reason!

[Blue J]

I'm in the middle of this kind of experience. Not too long off I'll be the only member left of the family I grew up with. Then it'll be time for me to wander the earth like Kwai Chang Caine.

 

http://daobg.com/public/style_emoticons/default/aikido.gif

 

I kind of feel like I've already been wandering like that, for some time now- even though I'm married and have a family of my own. Funny, innit?

[treeduck]

I'm in the middle of this kind of experience. Not too long off I'll be the only member left of the family I grew up with. Then it'll be time for me to wander the earth like Kwai Chang Caine.

 

http://daobg.com/public/style_emoticons/default/aikido.gif

 

I kind of feel like I've already been wandering like that, for some time now- even though I'm married and have a family of my own. Funny, innit?

 

Young Caine: Master, what is the best way to meet the loss of a loved one?

Master Kan: By knowing that when we truly love, it is never lost... It is only after death that the depth of the bond is truly felt, and our loved one becomes more a part of us than was possible in life.

Young Caine: Are we only able to feel this toward those whom we have known and loved a long time?

Master Kan: Sometimes a stranger, known to us for moments, can spark our souls to kinship for eternity.

[ThatLightInYourEyes]

My grandmother went through this slow process right before she passed away, and now my mother talks about it. Issues about money and personal possessions can be very painful when dealing with family. Even if you haven't gotten along with said family members, the issue of death is always going to be the biggest game changer imaginable sooner or later. It's not going to be easy, but I'm sure you realize that not being prepared would be far worse. If you need support from anybody, reach out. We're here, too.

[Slack jaw gaze]

My stepfather was an attorney, so I'm sure he and my mother have wills, and I'm sure my dad does, too. I guess I'm just dreading the conversation with them, and I don't know how long (or even if) I should wait for them to bring it up.

 

If they have things that aren't mentioned in a will, I guess that's what I'm dreading- asking to see all of that, or to know what they have. They just have a lot of material shite. And it's just something we generally don't talk about. I don't even know how much they actually have- no real idea at all.

It's not really any of your business. If you had any kind of executor responsibilities, you probably would have been notified. Since your SF was an attorney, the executor is probably a disinterested 3rd party, which is the smart way to do it if you don't hate your kids.

[OGr8imL84AD8inF8sBlackSedan]

My mom is gonna be 87 in a month and my dad is 81. I never thought I would get so nervous any time the phone rings now...but I do.

[goose]

Interesting timing for this thread. I'm taking a week off to take care of my father in law who just took a nasty fall. He's 80. My parents are mid-70's. I've been preparing for this time, and even bought a bigger house eight years ago in anticipation of having elderly parents move in.

 

It seems like the natural progression of things to me.

 

My uncle has already made me executor of his estate. Getting those things set up when you still have your faculties is just good business sense.

Edited February 21, 2014 by goose

[Babycat]

My dad will be 80 next month and my mom just turned 76. I have two older brothers and a younger sister. My dad informed me a few years ago that I am executor of his will. My mother is not but I am. When he dies (whether or not my mom is still alive) everything goes to me to divide. He gives me updated financial info periodically so I will know whats happening. Any time they make any financial move of note he tells me. I am still nervous about the whole thing when it does finally go down. I have a feeling my siblings and I might have some interesting times ahead....

 

My dad's going to be 84 later on this year, and my mother died in 1995 at the age of 5, but didn't leave a will. Although my father has put my older sister down as the main executor, he gives me updates.