TRF Prediction Thread and Roast: Rushgoober's 30,000th post

[Tombstone Mountain]

November 25, 2013: Electric Kool-Aid Acid Stomach Edition

 

http://www.digitaloperative.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/KoolAidMan_Fullpic_2.png

 

Several stories have broken in just the last couple of days regarding the Rushgoober scandal that has reached as far as Neverland Ranch and The Vatican. We now have confirmed video brought to us by a cult follower who claims to have ingested a Jesus Juice-like Kool-Aid mixture containing Holy Water and bathtub gin:

 

 

As you can see, the playing of Rush’s Vapor Trails album was necessary to induce vomiting in this case. The anonymous source says that other drastic methods used to remove said Kool-Aid mixture included massive doses of Dirxst fan fiction and some demo CD’s from a bad Rush tribute band called Hurry Yourself.

 

“We needed to take the most extreme measures we could think of.” Said the cult member. “Rushgoober doesn’t know we’re alive, so don’t post this online because he might be lurking.”

 

The source also claims that Rushgoober tried to win back favor from The Pope by imitating St. Francis of Assisi and removing all of his clothing in front of him to show his sense of austerity. The Pope could not be reached for comment, as his aides have told us that he’s currently holed up and saying The Rosary repeatedly.

She shoots...she scores with the Jesus Juice

[Lorraine]

The only person Lorraine is "hooking up" with is the pope! I've booked a flight leaving in a few hours for Italia. There I will do weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth for my transgressions. Hopefully, I can get His Holiness to part with not only his Rush wardrobe, but some of his CDs. I'm hoping he has the Vapor Trails remix.

 

Then, after obtaining many blessings, I will descend to the catacombs and commune with my brothers and sisters of centuries past.

 

Upon coming back up to ground, I will then take myself to Assisi and roll around in the bramble bushes there and talk to the birds.

 

The Seven Cities of God dancers may be coming with me to Rome. That ought to liven up some Roman celebrations!

 

No more time for jibber-jabber now. I have to pack.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Lorraine

[Lorraine]

This is awesome! When will Charles Manson and his bride-to-be join the party? If we're going to have cult practices, we might as well take it as far as possible. :smoke: :codger:

Great question. Perhaps Lorraine will answer that one...she seems to attract the attention of those creepy criminal types

Quite right. That's how I wound up on TRF.

[Lorraine]

The Yukon Blade Grinder

Going Papal Edition

 

11.24.13

Vatican City

 

Neverland Ranch is used to having vigils outside its gates. Back in the day it was a magnet for creepiness and hero worship. Even when Michael Jackson was alive, fans would show up to light a candle in honor of their beloved “Moonwalker”. Today, the Yukon Blade Grinder goes straight to the top in terms of vigils, votive candles, and the ultimate show of Vapor Trails support.

 

With the elements of the story changing every day for the worse, a cheerful outcome seems impossible regarding the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” case. Containing the most bizarre of cultic practices involving cannibalism, stone formations, and oppressed women on animals, one normally turns away from such evil. Not this media monolith! The Yukon Blade Grinder is fresh from an enthralling two-day interview with the Seven Cities of Gold dancers, and now ready to get back in the game to confront reality.

 

Now dear readers, the story has reached spiritual heights. Truth be told after spending time with the Seven Cities of Gold dancers, the YBG could use a little forgiveness.

 

Rarified Air

 

In most instances when dealing with the Yukon Blade Grinder, people adapt accordingly for a chance to share their story. However, when dealing with the most recognized living religious figure in the solar system, the Grinder will always make an exception.

 

Summoned to Vatican City by our German and Italian desks, the Yukon Blade Grinder is ready to report the news. Hundreds of thousands crowded St. Peter’s square, and waited for the word. Countless beach balls flew over the boisterous crowd. Flags from every corner of the globe were waving in anticipation of the day’s message. Even soccer anthems permeated the air. Spectacles become markers in history, always in the corner of our collective memories crying out “I was here” when Pope Francis brought the wood to Rush Goober. The Blade Grinder was on the scene as it happened.

 

The Seven Deadly Sins Revisited

 

Known as the “Peppy Pontiff”, Pope Francis has great warmth exuding from his soul. He’s a real people person. He loves his job and always ready to get out amongst the folks. As the doors opened from the papal balcony, he made his grand entrance. The crowd erupted into a frenzy, showing the love to the their leader. Calming the crowd the Pope issued the cue for the sounds of ringing church and tubular bells. It sounded awfully familiar.

 

“Today, I come to you with a message from the peak of Mt. Nerd. Listen well, my friends!” The Pope spoke with authority, then compassion.

 

“To the men who hold high places—you must be the one’s who start.

You need to mold a new reality, closer to the heart.

The blacksmith and the artist reflect it in their art.

They should forge their creativity, closer to the heart. YES!!! Closer to the heart.”

 

Those words hung in the air, creating a symphony of nouns, verbs, and adjectives. The Pope smiled and clasped his hands together. He continued.

 

“The philosopher and the plowmen—each must know his part.

Sowing new mentalities, closer to the heart, YEAH, closer to the heart.

Let me be your captain. I will draw the chart.

We’re sailing into destiny, closer to the heart.”

 

The crowd fed off his energy, rocking back and forth arm in arm, hanging on every word. “Listen. You’ve heard it all before. Wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony, are sins that will bring you to your knees—like a Vapor Trail. Today, from St. Peter’s Basilica, I give you another. Cruelty to animals is awful and to endorse cannibalism is a shame. Brainwashing helpless strippers is deplorable. But this, this is where I draw the line. Thou shall not impersonate a Rush fan. To do so is an unforgivable sin. It’s a combination of all seven that came before it…plus it’s just mean.”

 

The Pope stared out into the sea of humanity and plowed on. “As I’ve said before, I’m not here to judge anybody, but to share boundless love. However, there’s a tipping point, even for me. These fans have endured decades of slander, bullying, and intellectual dishonesty from all angles of society. They’ve never been popular, and have always reminded of that fact. They’ve been the target of scorn and rage from those who think they’re “better” than everyone else. No more. We honor the Rush fan. Trolling Rush Fan websites, causing hate and discontent is banned. To the Rush fan, you are no longer detached, no longer subdivided. The dreamer. The misfit. You, who are so alone—come unto me and we’ll listen to Vapor Trails together.” The crowd then responded with their own version of YYZ, in a chant that would make most Brazilians jealous.

 

At that moment the Pope broke centuries of protocol, freaking out his collective entourage of cardinals, and began to rip off his vestments, including papal hat, to reveal something very personal to him. The crowd’s huge roar was an approval for his Vapor Trails tour shirt, and knock-off of a certain drummer’s signature hat. He then proclaimed, “Today Rush fans we unite!”

 

The Dawn of a New Day

 

No wonder this pontiff is off the charts with the common person. He’s a riot. He continued with his edict. “And those who transgress against the band, remember these words: You will burn in Hell! Before preparing this message I did some soul searching. I started in the Sistine Chapel, pacing back and forth. Searching for some inspiration. I got nothing in that dusty room. I then decided to go down in the Necropolis, among the dead bones of those who came before me.” The Pope then raised his hands and continued, “I spoke to them. I spoke to them words that would hopefully bring them to life, to give me some comfort and encouragement to deliver today’s message.”

 

He paused, the crowd mere putty in his hands. “Rising out of their crypts, the bones danced and spoke these words:

 

Jack, relax. Get busy with the facts.

No zodiacs or almanacs. No maniacs in polyester slacks.

Just the facts. You gotta kick some gluteus max.

It’s a parallax, ya dig?

 

When you move around the small gets big, it’s a rig.

It’s action—reaction. Random interaction.

Don’t be afraid of little abstractions. You can’t get satisfaction from the facts.

You’d better run homeboy—facts a fact from Rome to Gnome boy!

 

What’s the deal?

Spin the wheel. If the dice are hot—take a shot.

Play your cards. Show us what you got—what you’re holding.

If the cards are cold, don’t go folding. Lady luck is golden.

She favors the bold and that’s cold.

Stop throwing stones—the night has a 1000 saxophones.

Get out there and rock and roll the bones—Get busy!!!”

 

The Pope continued, “That doesn’t happen every day at the Vatican. Now. To my friend who is sitting in a jail cell on the far side of the world—repent, and denounce your trolling ways. Embrace BU2B2. Embrace Vapor Trails. Your soul depends on it!”

With that final statement, Pope Francis left the festivities to the chants of the crowd—“Turn or Burn! Turn or Burn! Turn or Burn!”

 

At that point this reporter, along with my friends from the German and Italian news desks, sat on the edge of a fountain, watching the crowd of people disperse. The wind whisked around us, spreading its cold chill and blowing litter hither and dither. Night slowly approached and we were alone, wondering how a tiny dwarf incarcerated in the Santa Barbara jail could manage to piss off the Pope. As it turns out there were many reasons.

 

Saying our goodbyes, we felt the same as before the Pope’s sermon. Confused.

 

Flying out of Rome, this Yukon Blade Grinder reporter was still scratching his head. Now, Judge Hhang M. Hi looms on the horizon. Goober better hope she’s in a better frame of mind than Pope Francis.

 

I dislike the word "awesome" intensely, but it is the only one I can think of at the moment -

 

Awesome talent. Honestly.

[H. P. L.]

The only person Lorraine is "hooking up" with is the pope! I've booked a flight leaving in a few hours for Italia. There I will do weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth for my transgressions. Hopefully, I can get His Holiness to part with not only his Rush wardrobe, but some of his CDs. I'm hoping he has the Vapor Trails remix.

 

Then, after obtaining many blessings, I will descend to the catacombs and commune with my brothers and sisters of centuries past.

 

Upon coming back up to ground, I will then take myself to Assisi and roll around in the bramble bushes there and talk to the birds.

 

The Seven Cities of God dancers may be coming with me to Rome. That ought to liven up some Roman celebrations!

 

No more time for jibber-jabber now. I have to pack.

Oh my. Who would have thought?

I might as well give up the day job and become a tourist guide for Rush fans. "Rush Rome Tours"! How's that sounds? Uhu?

 

[greyfriar]

facts a fact from Rome to Gnome boy... :ebert: I drown in tears. :LMAO:

Did you ever think the Pope would be so cool? Thanks for your steadfast work with the YBG German newsdesk!

Thanks man I'll do my best. In the following days it will be difficult to keep up the work for Goobs. I'm stucking in a stressful week and I'll have to do some serious investigations for an exam on Thursday. Don't be afraid I will lurk and come back as often as I could. Don't want to miss the trial. ;)

[Tombstone Mountain]

The only person Lorraine is "hooking up" with is the pope! I've booked a flight leaving in a few hours for Italia. There I will do weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth for my transgressions. Hopefully, I can get His Holiness to part with not only his Rush wardrobe, but some of his CDs. I'm hoping he has the Vapor Trails remix.

 

Then, after obtaining many blessings, I will descend to the catacombs and commune with my brothers and sisters of centuries past.

 

Upon coming back up to ground, I will then take myself to Assisi and roll around in the bramble bushes there and talk to the birds.

 

The Seven Cities of God dancers may be coming with me to Rome. That ought to liven up some Roman celebrations!

 

No more time for jibber-jabber now. I have to pack.

Be careful with the SCOG dancers, or you'll end up on a leash. Robin likes control and does not tolerate chaos very well.

[Tombstone Mountain]

The only person Lorraine is "hooking up" with is the pope! I've booked a flight leaving in a few hours for Italia. There I will do weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth for my transgressions. Hopefully, I can get His Holiness to part with not only his Rush wardrobe, but some of his CDs. I'm hoping he has the Vapor Trails remix.

 

Then, after obtaining many blessings, I will descend to the catacombs and commune with my brothers and sisters of centuries past.

 

Upon coming back up to ground, I will then take myself to Assisi and roll around in the bramble bushes there and talk to the birds.

 

The Seven Cities of God dancers may be coming with me to Rome. That ought to liven up some Roman celebrations!

 

No more time for jibber-jabber now. I have to pack.

Oh my. Who would have thought?

I might as well give up the day job and become a tourist guide for Rush fans. "Rush Rome Tours"! How's that sounds? Uhu?

 

Dude my selfie in the catacombs turned out great. Bit dark, but its a keeper!

[HomesickAlien]

The only person Lorraine is "hooking up" with is the pope! I've booked a flight leaving in a few hours for Italia. There I will do weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth for my transgressions. Hopefully, I can get His Holiness to part with not only his Rush wardrobe, but some of his CDs. I'm hoping he has the Vapor Trails remix.

 

Then, after obtaining many blessings, I will descend to the catacombs and commune with my brothers and sisters of centuries past.

 

Upon coming back up to ground, I will then take myself to Assisi and roll around in the bramble bushes there and talk to the birds.

 

The Seven Cities of God dancers may be coming with me to Rome. That ought to liven up some Roman celebrations!

 

No more time for jibber-jabber now. I have to pack.

 

:(

 

Pack? Have I been left to fend for myself in the Twilight Zone?

 

 

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-sad058.gif

[Tombstone Mountain]

The only person Lorraine is "hooking up" with is the pope! I've booked a flight leaving in a few hours for Italia. There I will do weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth for my transgressions. Hopefully, I can get His Holiness to part with not only his Rush wardrobe, but some of his CDs. I'm hoping he has the Vapor Trails remix.

 

Then, after obtaining many blessings, I will descend to the catacombs and commune with my brothers and sisters of centuries past.

 

Upon coming back up to ground, I will then take myself to Assisi and roll around in the bramble bushes there and talk to the birds.

 

The Seven Cities of God dancers may be coming with me to Rome. That ought to liven up some Roman celebrations!

 

No more time for jibber-jabber now. I have to pack.

 

:(

 

Pack? Have I been left to fend for myself in the Twilight Zone?

 

 

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-sad058.gif

No no no my friend! I'm back. We're roomies! I'm sure that warms the cockles eh?

[Tombstone Mountain]

A Yukon Blade Grinder Exclusive

The Scorned Women Edition

Part II

 

 

Before leaving for the Vatican, The Yukon Blade Grinder issued the first portion of this interview.

 

Where we left off...

 

YBG: Your story is indeed fascinating Robin. Making such sacrifice to give your best, making sure the band would never regret choosing you as a “Seven Cities of Gold” dancer shows great care and personal commitment. Tell me…the two months in the Yukon, surviving on the land, rehearsing as a group on the frozen tundra, what was that like?

RR: For the Canadian women it was a chance to revisit our younger years. You see, all female natives of the Great White North have a rite of passage that we go through. Learning how to survive in the cold is a must for people who live in Canada. So at a certain age, every female goes to the Yukon to learn how to be an “Ice Chucker”.

 

Very primeval stuff we’re talking about. Living in the elements is a challenge. Let me give you an example. Learning how to keep our legs and armpits smooth without a razor is one of the first things the “Bitches of the Snow” teach us. I mean, what if you’re isolated from civilization living in an igloo community, and don’t have access to such luxuries as a razor?

 

YBG: Wait, wait—“Bitches of the Snow”?

RR: Yeah, the instructors at the Yukon Institute of Kinetic Energy Survival.

YBG: Oh okay, just wanted to clarify…just for the sake of our readers, how do you manage to keep those areas smooth and attractive?

RR: With no modern equipment ya gotta go with what mother nature provides. That’s what they taught us. We use pine bark to keep them moisturized and hairless, just rub the bark on your skin. There are different techniques you can learn. The sap is so good for ya! And, as for our real sensitive lady parts, we just go au natural!

YBG: Hmmm. Why so?

RR: We may need it for desperate measures. It makes excellent tinder for starting fires.

YBG: Neat. How did the British and American members of the troupe handle that aspect of the training?

RR: Rough at first, but they figured it out. Now, speaking for Lyndsey and Babycat, they’re from Britain…and it was obvious they just didn’t have it in them at first. They might have been able to hang at Stonehenge for a couple of hours and sip some tea in the past, but this? Took some time, but they hung in there. Showed what troopers they are (gently tugging on their leashes)—I’m so proud of them!

 

YBG: That’s just mind blowing. What about food? Did you bring any with you on this outing?

RR: Oh, in the name of William Shatner, no! Y.I.K.E.S training prepares us for those times in the wild. We used modern hunting equipment, by that I mean bows and arrows. Using a firearm is considered the “easy” way out, and really isn’t that sporting. Snares and traps are of critical importance. There’s also a technique you can use on animals with a low IQ—the Death Stare. Another timeless Y.I.K.E.S secret. Say you come upon a moose or bear and they won’t back down, you can use that. It’s pretty effective.

YBG: Pardon me, but that sounds like poppycock. Can you show me what it looks like?

RR: Sorry, it could kill you, and as you can tell by my GPS tracking collar I’m already legally embarrassed. However I did almost use it on Alex at the Orbit Room the night of the Battle of the Bands. When he told me about the Todem natural male enhancement he’d been giving the dwarfs, that about did it.

YBG: No problem. Imagine the headlines if you did use it on him? So, what other techniques did you use?

RR: The Fox Plunger!

YBG: What’s that pray tell?

RR: Our noses are quite sensitive, as is our sense of hearing. Under the snow pack you can hear all kinds of critters crawling underneath if you pay close attention. All you do is isolate the sound and jump headfirst into the snow, just like the Yukon Snow Fox. It works well in a pinch.

 

YBG: Interesting. Now let’s go back to Neverland for a moment. What about the connection to Megadon? You know, the stone formation, the pagan symbol in the woods used for the initiation, why was Megadon mentioned?

RR: To show our unified frustration. It was a huge blow for everybody, especially the dancers to get canned after what we’ve been through.

YBG: Seems a bit hostile. A message to a fabled world. You know, to a place that doesn’t exist outside of a few Rush fans imaginations. “f**k Megadon”. Why not “You suck” or “Bugger off you bloody old trouts”? But Ok…whatever.

 

YBG: Next question. The leader—Rush Goober. What’s he like when he’s not incarcerated?

RR: Oh he’s just a lovable mass of contradictions I guess…like the rest of us.

YBG: Anything odd? Anything that just seemed a bit off? C’mon Robin, he gave you the nose of Michael Jackson—to eat! Something must’ve been pear shaped about this man, out of the ordinary.

RR: Well…he’s three feet tall. So he’s short. During rehearsals for The Wreckers we noticed something. By we, I mean the dancers. That song has a different requirement for us. That’s when we get to jam. But, we noticed a huge bulge in his pants as he was performing as the cabin boy. You know we just had to find out about it. Turns out to have been a can of peas. He literally carries a can of peas with him everywhere. When we asked him about it, he just kept muttering the word “Woyzeck” over and over again. I think it’s a Werner Herzog film, not sure. Tony, the pirate captain, made hay outta that all during rehearsals. Those guys have a long history you know?

 

YBG: Anyway, let’s talk TURDL. Tell me about them and their role in the grand scheme of the Clockwork Angels tour.

RR: Well TURDL is an acronym. Toronto Urban Resources and Developmental League. It’s Mayor Rob Ford’s inner-city rehabilitation program for children. They were dressed as veggies during the performance of The Garden. I guess it seemed a really a good idea at their marketing meeting, but real world application? Not so much. The corporate world must have their acronyms I suppose. Before they joined the production we were briefed about protocol in dealing with them. Anthem Entertainment came up with TURDL’s as a playful term of endearment. Take off the L and you would have a more cogent picture of what they really are.

YBG: Sounds like a workplace hazard if you ask me.

RR: Watch your wallets around those kids

 

In Closing…

 

 

Now loyal readers, we take a breather from a long day of hard news, and other worldly revelations. We are approaching the trial of the century. One thing for sure, we know won’t be easy to swallow, but we trudge onward. The Yukon Blade Grinder looks forward to sharing the last of this interview next time. We do indeed thank the Seven Cities of Gold dancers for their hospitality.

 

Glowing in my dreams like hallucinations,

Glitter in the sun like a revelation.

Distant as a comet or a constellation

Edited November 25, 2013 by Tombstone Mountain

[HomesickAlien]

The only person Lorraine is "hooking up" with is the pope! I've booked a flight leaving in a few hours for Italia. There I will do weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth for my transgressions. Hopefully, I can get His Holiness to part with not only his Rush wardrobe, but some of his CDs. I'm hoping he has the Vapor Trails remix.

 

Then, after obtaining many blessings, I will descend to the catacombs and commune with my brothers and sisters of centuries past.

 

Upon coming back up to ground, I will then take myself to Assisi and roll around in the bramble bushes there and talk to the birds.

 

The Seven Cities of God dancers may be coming with me to Rome. That ought to liven up some Roman celebrations!

 

No more time for jibber-jabber now. I have to pack.

 

:(

 

Pack? Have I been left to fend for myself in the Twilight Zone?

 

 

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-sad058.gif

No no no my friend! I'm back. We're roomies! I'm sure that warms the cockles eh?

 

 

I guess the Soak and Poke must have been full up. I'll try to summon the strength to write tonight's update.

 

We should leave the door chain unconnected from the track tonight. Norman said that Lorraine didn't turn in her key; she'll miss us too much to stay away very long.

[ThatLightInYourEyes]

Wow, things are taking a turn for harsh reality! :outtahere:

[Lorraine]

I didn't turn in my key because I wanted a keepsake from the Thistle Dew, and the key has on it Property of the Thistle Dew - Santa Barbara, California. I need evidence to prove that such a place exists.

[HomesickAlien]

I didn't turn in my key because I wanted a keepsake from the Thistle Dew, and the key has on it Property of the Thistle Dew - Santa Barbara, California. I need evidence to prove that such a place exists.

 

You'll have second thoughts long before the plane lands at Fiumicino.

 

We'll leave a candle burning in the window for you.

[Tombstone Mountain]

Wow, things are taking a turn for harsh reality! :outtahere:

Quite correct. It's not looking good. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. You just know Edwin the vampire, in all his twinkling glory, will show up.

[Babycat]

A Yukon Blade Grinder Exclusive

The Scorned Women Edition

Part II

 

 

Before leaving for the Vatican, The Yukon Blade Grinder issued the first portion of this interview.

 

Where we left off...

 

YBG: Your story is indeed fascinating Robin. Making such sacrifice to give your best, making sure the band would never regret choosing you as a “Seven Cities of Gold” dancer shows great care and personal commitment. Tell me…the two months in the Yukon, surviving on the land, rehearsing as a group on the frozen tundra, what was that like?

RR: For the Canadian women it was a chance to revisit our younger years. You see, all female natives of the Great White North have a rite of passage that we go through. Learning how to survive in the cold is a must for people who live in Canada. So at a certain age, every female goes to the Yukon to learn how to be an “Ice Chucker”.

 

Very primeval stuff we’re talking about. Living in the elements is a challenge. Let me give you an example. Learning how to keep our legs and armpits smooth without a razor is one of the first things the “Bitches of the Snow” teach us. I mean, what if you’re isolated from civilization living in an igloo community, and don’t have access to such luxuries as a razor?

 

YBG: Wait, wait—“Bitches of the Snow”?

RR: Yeah, the instructors at the Yukon Institute of Kinetic Energy Survival.

YBG: Oh okay, just wanted to clarify…just for the sake of our readers, how do you manage to keep those areas smooth and attractive?

RR: With no modern equipment ya gotta go with what mother nature provides. That’s what they taught us. We use pine bark to keep them moisturized and hairless, just rub the bark on your skin. There are different techniques you can learn. The sap is so good for ya! And, as for our real sensitive lady parts, we just go au natural!

YBG: Hmmm. Why so?

RR: We may need it for desperate measures. It makes excellent tinder for starting fires.

YBG: Neat. How did the British and American members of the troupe handle that aspect of the training?

RR: Rough at first, but they figured it out. Now, speaking for Lyndsey and Babycat, they’re from Britain…and it was obvious they just didn’t have it in them at first. They might have been able to hang at Stonehenge for a couple of hours and sip some tea in the past, but this? Took some time, but they hung in there. Showed what troopers they are (gently tugging on their leashes)—I’m so proud of them!

 

YBG: That’s just mind blowing. What about food? Did you bring any with you on this outing?

RR: Oh, in the name of William Shatner, no! Y.I.K.E.S training prepares us for those times in the wild. We used modern hunting equipment, by that I mean bows and arrows. Using a firearm is considered the “easy” way out, and really isn’t that sporting. Snares and traps are of critical importance. There’s also a technique you can use on animals with a low IQ—the Death Stare. Another timeless Y.I.K.E.S secret. Say you come upon a moose or bear and they won’t back down, you can use that. It’s pretty effective.

YBG: Pardon me, but that sounds like poppycock. Can you show me what it looks like?

RR: Sorry, it could kill you, and as you can tell by my GPS tracking collar I’m already legally embarrassed. However I did almost use it on Alex at the Orbit Room the night of the Battle of the Bands. When he told me about the Todem natural male enhancement he’d been giving the dwarfs, that about did it.

YBG: No problem. Imagine the headlines if you did use it on him? So, what other techniques did you use?

RR: The Fox Plunger!

YBG: What’s that pray tell?

RR: Our noses are quite sensitive, as is our sense of hearing. Under the snow pack you can hear all kinds of critters crawling underneath if you pay close attention. All you do is isolate the sound and jump headfirst into the snow, just like the Yukon Snow Fox. It works well in a pinch.

 

YBG: Interesting. Now let’s go back to Neverland for a moment. What about the connection to Megadon? You know, the stone formation, the pagan symbol in the woods used for the initiation, why was Megadon mentioned?

RR: To show our unified frustration. It was a huge blow for everybody, especially the dancers to get canned after what we’ve been through.

YBG: Seems a bit hostile. A message to a fabled world. You know, to a place that doesn’t exist outside of a few Rush fans imaginations. “f**k Megadon”. Why not “You suck” or “Bugger off you bloody old trouts”? But Ok…whatever.

 

YBG: Next question. The leader—Rush Goober. What’s he like when he’s not incarcerated?

RR: Oh he’s just a lovable mass of contradictions I guess…like the rest of us.

YBG: Anything odd? Anything that just seemed a bit off? C’mon Robin, he gave you the nose of Michael Jackson—to eat! Something must’ve been pear shaped about this man, out of the ordinary.

RR: Well…he’s three feet tall. So he’s short. During rehearsals for The Wreckers we noticed something. By we, I mean the dancers. That song has a different requirement for us. That’s when we get to jam. But, we noticed a huge bulge in his pants as he was performing as the cabin boy. You know we just had to find out about it. Turns out to have been a can of peas. He literally carries a can of peas with him everywhere. When we asked him about it, he just kept muttering the word “Woyzeck” over and over again. I think it’s a Werner Herzog film, not sure. Tony, the pirate captain, made hay outta that all during rehearsals. Those guys have a long history you know?

 

YBG: Anyway, let’s talk TURDL. Tell me about them and their role in the grand scheme of the Clockwork Angels tour.

RR: Well TURDL is an acronym. Toronto Urban Resources and Developmental League. It’s Mayor Rob Ford’s inner-city rehabilitation program for children. They were dressed as veggies during the performance of The Garden. I guess it seemed a really a good idea at their marketing meeting, but real world application? Not so much. The corporate world must have their acronyms I suppose. Before they joined the production we were briefed about protocol in dealing with them. Anthem Entertainment came up with TURDL’s as a playful term of endearment. Take off the L and you would have a more cogent picture of what they really are.

YBG: Sounds like a workplace hazard if you ask me.

RR: Watch your wallets around those kids

 

In Closing…

 

 

Now loyal readers, we take a breather from a long day of hard news, and other worldly revelations. We are approaching the trial of the century. One thing for sure, we know won’t be easy to swallow, but we trudge onward. The Yukon Blade Grinder looks forward to sharing the last of this interview next time. We do indeed thank the Seven Cities of Gold dancers for their hospitality.

 

Glowing in my dreams like hallucinations,

Glitter in the sun like a revelation.

Distant as a comet or a constellation

 

Brilliant! :ebert: :ebert: :ebert: And thanks for the mention in the article! :D

[HomesickAlien]

DAZED AND CONFUSED AT THE DEW: Day 11

 

As we await the trial of our bantam comrade Goober, the tribulations of our stay at the Dew have taken a heavy toll on Lorraine. After returning from a nearly twenty-four absence this morning, presumably to retrieve a simple Pez dispenser for Goober with Lakeisha, she suddenly announced that she would be departing for Rome. She frantically packed her belongings, and kept repeating the phrase, "what has he ever done for me". As she stumbled toward the door, she mentioned something about rolling in the brambles and talking to the birds. I fear for her sanity. Perhaps she'll spend the night at the airport hotel and have a change of heart in the morning.

 

If fretting about Lorraine roaming the streets of Southern California in a disturbed state wasn't enough of a burden, I now find myself saddled with Tombstone. His "interview" with the 7COG dancers now complete, he's most likely persona non grata at Flynt's manse. I'm sure he'd much rather stay at the Soak and Poke, but I suspect he's installed himself here in order to shower me with bogus reassurances that my rather hasty decision to come to Goober's aid wasn't a monumental blunder.

 

Naturally, Tombstone brought along his constant companion, that wretched chimpanzee. My earlier fears that he was engaged in some unspeakably debauched activity with the poor creature appear to have been unfounded. He seems to have some strange rapport with that animal. When they frolic together it's as though Tombstone is lost in a world all his own, as if their minds were operating on the same level. He's presently teaching it to use the finger cymbals Lorraine forgot to take with her. I just hope it's not one of those feces throwing primates.

 

It's some small consolation that Tombstone travels with an extensive collection of Herzog films, and I may have spied a few packages of dehydrated morels among his possessions, so perhaps the day won't end on such a sour note after all.

 

Maybe a rejuvenated Lorraine will even turn up at our door tomorrow.

[H. P. L.]

Lorraine,

 

I hope you can read this while on the plane.

Since you're coming here on a soul journey of enlightenment, it felt just right not to book you into a mundane hotel.

So I set you up in the Monastery of The Sisters of Mercy of The Blessed Virgin of the Seven Great Pains. It was recommended to me by my auntie Clara so it's the safest bet or, as they say in Rome, sei in 'a botte 'è ferro!

You can't miss it: it's the one with the gigantic statue of Mary with seven swords in the heart. Anyway, I'll be at the airport to escort you.

 

PS: this is a highly spiritual place, so it has no electricity. But you'll be able to log in to TRF at the Internet Cafè down the road.

[Tombstone Mountain]

DAZED AND CONFUSED AT THE DEW: Day 11

 

As we await the trial of our bantam comrade Goober, the tribulations of our stay at the Dew have taken a heavy toll on Lorraine. After returning from a nearly twenty-four absence this morning, presumably to retrieve a simple Pez dispenser for Goober with Lakeisha, she suddenly announced that she would be departing for Rome. She frantically packed her belongings, and kept repeating the phrase, "what has he ever done for me". As she stumbled toward the door, she mentioned something about rolling in the brambles and talking to the birds. I fear for her sanity. Perhaps she'll spend the night at the airport hotel and have a change of heart in the morning.

 

If fretting about Lorraine roaming the streets of Southern California in a disturbed state wasn't enough of a burden, I now find myself saddled with Tombstone. His "interview" with the 7COG dancers now complete, he's most likely persona non grata at Flynt's manse. I'm sure he'd much rather stay at the Soak and Poke, but I suspect he's installed himself here in order to shower me with bogus reassurances that my rather hasty decision to come to Goober's aid wasn't a monumental blunder.

 

Naturally, Tombstone brought along his constant companion, that wretched chimpanzee. My earlier fears that he was engaged in some unspeakably debauched activity with the poor creature appear to have been unfounded. He seems to have some strange rapport with that animal. When they frolic together it's as though Tombstone is lost in a world all his own, as if their minds were operating on the same level. He's presently teaching it to use the finger cymbals Lorraine forgot to take with her. I just hope it's not one of those feces throwing primates.

 

It's some small consolation that Tombstone travels with an extensive collection of Herzog films, and I may have spied a few packages of dehydrated morels among his possessions, so perhaps the day won't end on such a sour note after all.

 

Maybe a rejuvenated Lorraine will even turn up at our door tomorrow.

How did I get the chimp again? This thread is 28 pages now an d I can't recall.

 

On the Goobs front...if you wanna support the antichrist go right ahead—I cast my lot with the Pope after Sunday mass

[HomesickAlien]

DAZED AND CONFUSED AT THE DEW: Day 11

 

As we await the trial of our bantam comrade Goober, the tribulations of our stay at the Dew have taken a heavy toll on Lorraine. After returning from a nearly twenty-four absence this morning, presumably to retrieve a simple Pez dispenser for Goober with Lakeisha, she suddenly announced that she would be departing for Rome. She frantically packed her belongings, and kept repeating the phrase, "what has he ever done for me". As she stumbled toward the door, she mentioned something about rolling in the brambles and talking to the birds. I fear for her sanity. Perhaps she'll spend the night at the airport hotel and have a change of heart in the morning.

 

If fretting about Lorraine roaming the streets of Southern California in a disturbed state wasn't enough of a burden, I now find myself saddled with Tombstone. His "interview" with the 7COG dancers now complete, he's most likely persona non grata at Flynt's manse. I'm sure he'd much rather stay at the Soak and Poke, but I suspect he's installed himself here in order to shower me with bogus reassurances that my rather hasty decision to come to Goober's aid wasn't a monumental blunder.

 

Naturally, Tombstone brought along his constant companion, that wretched chimpanzee. My earlier fears that he was engaged in some unspeakably debauched activity with the poor creature appear to have been unfounded. He seems to have some strange rapport with that animal. When they frolic together it's as though Tombstone is lost in a world all his own, as if their minds were operating on the same level. He's presently teaching it to use the finger cymbals Lorraine forgot to take with her. I just hope it's not one of those feces throwing primates.

 

It's some small consolation that Tombstone travels with an extensive collection of Herzog films, and I may have spied a few packages of dehydrated morels among his possessions, so perhaps the day won't end on such a sour note after all.

 

Maybe a rejuvenated Lorraine will even turn up at our door tomorrow.

How did I get the chimp again? This thread is 28 pages now an d I can't recall.

 

On the Goobs front...if you wanna support the antichrist go right ahead—I cast my lot with the Pope after Sunday mass

 

http://www.therushfo...80#entry3019099

 

http://www.therushfo...20#entry3020436

 

http://www.therushfo...60#entry3021674

 

http://www.therushfo...80#entry3021919

 

http://www.therushfo...60#entry3023076

 

http://www.therushfo...80#entry3024556

 

The chimp is mentioned, albeit briefly, in each of these posts.

 

You must still be suffering from jet lag. :P

[Lorraine]

:( They wouldn't let me board the plane. They wanted me to relinquish my Michael Jackson action doll and my Thistle Dew room key. I refused. They were convinced that the doll contained explosives and that the key would be used as a lethal weapon. :o So now I am on a list of suspected terrorists and was informed that the FBI would be doing a background check on me.

 

All of this. And for what?

 

I could weep for shame.

 

My life is ruined.

 

[Lorraine]

DAZED AND CONFUSED AT THE DEW: Day 11

 

As we await the trial of our bantam comrade Goober, the tribulations of our stay at the Dew have taken a heavy toll on Lorraine. After returning from a nearly twenty-four absence this morning, presumably to retrieve a simple Pez dispenser for Goober with Lakeisha, she suddenly announced that she would be departing for Rome. She frantically packed her belongings, and kept repeating the phrase, "what has he ever done for me". As she stumbled toward the door, she mentioned something about rolling in the brambles and talking to the birds. I fear for her sanity. Perhaps she'll spend the night at the airport hotel and have a change of heart in the morning.

 

If fretting about Lorraine roaming the streets of Southern California in a disturbed state wasn't enough of a burden, I now find myself saddled with Tombstone. His "interview" with the 7COG dancers now complete, he's most likely persona non grata at Flynt's manse. I'm sure he'd much rather stay at the Soak and Poke, but I suspect he's installed himself here in order to shower me with bogus reassurances that my rather hasty decision to come to Goober's aid wasn't a monumental blunder.

 

Naturally, Tombstone brought along his constant companion, that wretched chimpanzee. My earlier fears that he was engaged in some unspeakably debauched activity with the poor creature appear to have been unfounded. He seems to have some strange rapport with that animal. When they frolic together it's as though Tombstone is lost in a world all his own, as if their minds were operating on the same level. He's presently teaching it to use the finger cymbals Lorraine forgot to take with her. I just hope it's not one of those feces throwing primates.

 

It's some small consolation that Tombstone travels with an extensive collection of Herzog films, and I may have spied a few packages of dehydrated morels among his possessions, so perhaps the day won't end on such a sour note after all.

 

Maybe a rejuvenated Lorraine will even turn up at our door tomorrow.

How did I get the chimp again? This thread is 28 pages now an d I can't recall.

 

On the Goobs front...if you wanna support the antichrist go right ahead—I cast my lot with the Pope after Sunday mass

I'm glad I'm not the only one suffering from memory loss.

 

I'm with you. To heck with Goobs! I'll see if I can book a room on a transcontinental ocean liner in honor of my Ellis Island ancestors and cruise to Rome instead of flying since now I can't even show my face in public here in the States since I am a suspected terrorist and my picture is in every USPO center in all fifty states. The shame!

 

How did I ever get myself into this???

[losingit2k]

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder

Going Papal Edition

 

11.24.13

Vatican City

 

Neverland Ranch is used to having vigils outside its gates. Back in the day it was a magnet for creepiness and hero worship. Even when Michael Jackson was alive, fans would show up to light a candle in honor of their beloved “Moonwalker”. Today, the Yukon Blade Grinder goes straight to the top in terms of vigils, votive candles, and the ultimate show of Vapor Trails support.

 

With the elements of the story changing every day for the worse, a cheerful outcome seems impossible regarding the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” case. Containing the most bizarre of cultic practices involving cannibalism, stone formations, and oppressed women on animals, one normally turns away from such evil. Not this media monolith! The Yukon Blade Grinder is fresh from an enthralling two-day interview with the Seven Cities of Gold dancers, and now ready to get back in the game to confront reality.

 

Now dear readers, the story has reached spiritual heights. Truth be told after spending time with the Seven Cities of Gold dancers, the YBG could use a little forgiveness.

 

Rarified Air

 

In most instances when dealing with the Yukon Blade Grinder, people adapt accordingly for a chance to share their story. However, when dealing with the most recognized living religious figure in the solar system, the Grinder will always make an exception.

 

Summoned to Vatican City by our German and Italian desks, the Yukon Blade Grinder is ready to report the news. Hundreds of thousands crowded St. Peter’s square, and waited for the word. Countless beach balls flew over the boisterous crowd. Flags from every corner of the globe were waving in anticipation of the day’s message. Even soccer anthems permeated the air. Spectacles become markers in history, always in the corner of our collective memories crying out “I was here” when Pope Francis brought the wood to Rush Goober. The Blade Grinder was on the scene as it happened.

 

The Seven Deadly Sins Revisited

 

Known as the “Peppy Pontiff”, Pope Francis has great warmth exuding from his soul. He’s a real people person. He loves his job and always ready to get out amongst the folks. As the doors opened from the papal balcony, he made his grand entrance. The crowd erupted into a frenzy, showing the love to the their leader. Calming the crowd the Pope issued the cue for the sounds of ringing church and tubular bells. It sounded awfully familiar.

 

“Today, I come to you with a message from the peak of Mt. Nerd. Listen well, my friends!” The Pope spoke with authority, then compassion.

 

“To the men who hold high places—you must be the one’s who start.

You need to mold a new reality, closer to the heart.

The blacksmith and the artist reflect it in their art.

They should forge their creativity, closer to the heart. YES!!! Closer to the heart.”

 

Those words hung in the air, creating a symphony of nouns, verbs, and adjectives. The Pope smiled and clasped his hands together. He continued.

 

“The philosopher and the plowmen—each must know his part.

Sowing new mentalities, closer to the heart, YEAH, closer to the heart.

Let me be your captain. I will draw the chart.

We’re sailing into destiny, closer to the heart.”

 

The crowd fed off his energy, rocking back and forth arm in arm, hanging on every word. “Listen. You’ve heard it all before. Wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony, are sins that will bring you to your knees—like a Vapor Trail. Today, from St. Peter’s Basilica, I give you another. Cruelty to animals is awful and to endorse cannibalism is a shame. Brainwashing helpless strippers is deplorable. But this, this is where I draw the line. Thou shall not impersonate a Rush fan. To do so is an unforgivable sin. It’s a combination of all seven that came before it…plus it’s just mean.”

 

The Pope stared out into the sea of humanity and plowed on. “As I’ve said before, I’m not here to judge anybody, but to share boundless love. However, there’s a tipping point, even for me. These fans have endured decades of slander, bullying, and intellectual dishonesty from all angles of society. They’ve never been popular, and have always reminded of that fact. They’ve been the target of scorn and rage from those who think they’re “better” than everyone else. No more. We honor the Rush fan. Trolling Rush Fan websites, causing hate and discontent is banned. To the Rush fan, you are no longer detached, no longer subdivided. The dreamer. The misfit. You, who are so alone—come unto me and we’ll listen to Vapor Trails together.” The crowd then responded with their own version of YYZ, in a chant that would make most Brazilians jealous.

 

At that moment the Pope broke centuries of protocol, freaking out his collective entourage of cardinals, and began to rip off his vestments, including papal hat, to reveal something very personal to him. The crowd’s huge roar was an approval for his Vapor Trails tour shirt, and knock-off of a certain drummer’s signature hat. He then proclaimed, “Today Rush fans we unite!”

 

The Dawn of a New Day

 

No wonder this pontiff is off the charts with the common person. He’s a riot. He continued with his edict. “And those who transgress against the band, remember these words: You will burn in Hell! Before preparing this message I did some soul searching. I started in the Sistine Chapel, pacing back and forth. Searching for some inspiration. I got nothing in that dusty room. I then decided to go down in the Necropolis, among the dead bones of those who came before me.” The Pope then raised his hands and continued, “I spoke to them. I spoke to them words that would hopefully bring them to life, to give me some comfort and encouragement to deliver today’s message.”

 

He paused, the crowd mere putty in his hands. “Rising out of their crypts, the bones danced and spoke these words:

 

Jack, relax. Get busy with the facts.

No zodiacs or almanacs. No maniacs in polyester slacks.

Just the facts. You gotta kick some gluteus max.

It’s a parallax, ya dig?

 

When you move around the small gets big, it’s a rig.

It’s action—reaction. Random interaction.

Don’t be afraid of little abstractions. You can’t get satisfaction from the facts.

You’d better run homeboy—facts a fact from Rome to Gnome boy!

 

What’s the deal?

Spin the wheel. If the dice are hot—take a shot.

Play your cards. Show us what you got—what you’re holding.

If the cards are cold, don’t go folding. Lady luck is golden.

She favors the bold and that’s cold.

Stop throwing stones—the night has a 1000 saxophones.

Get out there and rock and roll the bones—Get busy!!!”

 

The Pope continued, “That doesn’t happen every day at the Vatican. Now. To my friend who is sitting in a jail cell on the far side of the world—repent, and denounce your trolling ways. Embrace BU2B2. Embrace Vapor Trails. Your soul depends on it!”

With that final statement, Pope Francis left the festivities to the chants of the crowd—“Turn or Burn! Turn or Burn! Turn or Burn!”

 

At that point this reporter, along with my friends from the German and Italian news desks, sat on the edge of a fountain, watching the crowd of people disperse. The wind whisked around us, spreading its cold chill and blowing litter hither and dither. Night slowly approached and we were alone, wondering how a tiny dwarf incarcerated in the Santa Barbara jail could manage to piss off the Pope. As it turns out there were many reasons.

 

Saying our goodbyes, we felt the same as before the Pope’s sermon. Confused.

 

Flying out of Rome, this Yukon Blade Grinder reporter was still scratching his head. Now, Judge Hhang M. Hi looms on the horizon. Goober better hope she’s in a better frame of mind than Pope Francis.

 

[Babycat]

DAZED AND CONFUSED AT THE DEW: Day 11

 

As we await the trial of our bantam comrade Goober, the tribulations of our stay at the Dew have taken a heavy toll on Lorraine. After returning from a nearly twenty-four absence this morning, presumably to retrieve a simple Pez dispenser for Goober with Lakeisha, she suddenly announced that she would be departing for Rome. She frantically packed her belongings, and kept repeating the phrase, "what has he ever done for me". As she stumbled toward the door, she mentioned something about rolling in the brambles and talking to the birds. I fear for her sanity. Perhaps she'll spend the night at the airport hotel and have a change of heart in the morning.

 

If fretting about Lorraine roaming the streets of Southern California in a disturbed state wasn't enough of a burden, I now find myself saddled with Tombstone. His "interview" with the 7COG dancers now complete, he's most likely persona non grata at Flynt's manse. I'm sure he'd much rather stay at the Soak and Poke, but I suspect he's installed himself here in order to shower me with bogus reassurances that my rather hasty decision to come to Goober's aid wasn't a monumental blunder.

 

Naturally, Tombstone brought along his constant companion, that wretched chimpanzee. My earlier fears that he was engaged in some unspeakably debauched activity with the poor creature appear to have been unfounded. He seems to have some strange rapport with that animal. When they frolic together it's as though Tombstone is lost in a world all his own, as if their minds were operating on the same level. He's presently teaching it to use the finger cymbals Lorraine forgot to take with her. I just hope it's not one of those feces throwing primates.

 

It's some small consolation that Tombstone travels with an extensive collection of Herzog films, and I may have spied a few packages of dehydrated morels among his possessions, so perhaps the day won't end on such a sour note after all.

 

Maybe a rejuvenated Lorraine will even turn up at our door tomorrow.

How did I get the chimp again? This thread is 28 pages now an d I can't recall.

 

On the Goobs front...if you wanna support the antichrist go right ahead—I cast my lot with the Pope after Sunday mass

 

I have no idea about the chimp - I'm still looking for that bloomin' gerbil who scarpered off with that address..!