TRF Prediction Thread and Roast: Rushgoober's 30,000th post

[Lorraine]

Undoubtedly, one and all (what does the "all" add up to now? three?) are wondering where I've been.

 

All I can say is I was saved by Lakeisha and two of her dancing and ukulele playing Sisters.

 

On my way up to tea with Norman's mother, I became aware of a car horn beeping furiously. Lo and behold, there was Lakeisha and two of her cronies. She asked me where I was going. When I told her, she said that I shouldn't do that unless I wanted to wind up in a taxidermist office. I've learned not to ask any questions (for fear of hearing the answers), so I obediently hopped into the back seat and off we went.

 

Really, I should have at least asked where we were going because the next thing I knew we were driving up the endless driveway to Larry Flynt's estate. The first thing I saw was Tombstone chasing that chimpanzee in a negligee around the grounds. Very troublesome sight. We must have a talk with the man.

 

Larry very graciously greeted me and promised to be on his best behavior. We all have different definitions of "best" apparently, as mine does not line up with Larry's. Be that as it may, we spent an enjoyable evening watching old Pola Negri silent films and snacking on granola and carrot sticks. Wretched combination. Don't try it. Then Larry further entertained us by reading random chapters from his very much read and dog-eared copy of Hollywood Babylon.

 

My experiences in Southern Cal have given a new meaning to the word "bizarre" to me.

 

 

You have a habit of finding trouble when you leave the Thistle Dew unescorted.

 

I apologize if all the racket is preventing you from getting some much needed rest after your night with Larry and the girls (Oh, and Tombstone) , but I've been up on the roof all day replacing tiles.

 

Norman was in an unusually foul mood this morning. He had a big night on the town planned yesterday, his first in years, but his date cancelled at the last minute. To make matters worse, Tombstone's latest rent check bounced, and he said we'll have to earn our keep around here. He asked me to take a look at a stubborn stain in one of the showers after I finish with the roof.

 

Tombstone graced us with a brief visit. He dropped of that VHS copy of Forbidden Paradise that you won in the poker game with Flynt last night.

 

I hope Tombstone seeks counseling for that chimp fetish. I spied that poor creature in the passenger seat, wearing a Bubba's Bar & Grill t-shirt and a kufi. Very troubling, indeed.

 

Is Bubbles still alive?

Yes, I know. From now on we have to have some type of buddy system in place. I seem to find trouble even when I'm not looking for it. And staying (more like living at the rate this crisis is taking to resolve itself) at the Thistle Dew is trouble enough. Now with Normie in a bad mood - ditched by his chick and taken by a bounced check - I do believe it is time to relocate. I wouldn't advise the Flynt Estate. Of course, Substance, you are free to choose to stay there, but count me out. I'd rather go back to living in a pitched tent and waking up with sleeping bad hair and puffy eyelids at Wonderland (or is it Neverland? Hard to keep everything straight anymore - pretty soon I'll need an I.D. bracelet just to remember my own name!).

 

As for your friend Bubbles, I have no news. Might try calling the investigative reporter at the Grinder. They know everything.

 

Has anyone heard from Goober?

 

Lorraine, don't go wobbly now. There's not a vacant room left in town because of all the media gathered for the trial, and you can forget about returning to that tent. Someone must have stolen it after we abandoned the jailhouse grounds. I'm pretty sure I saw it pitched by the gates of Neverland yesterday afternoon. When I walked over to check it out, a curious figure emerged. He had a great mane of hair and spoke with a Manc accent, called himself "treeduck", I think. He was the only one who refused to sign my petition. You should have seen the look on his face when I offered him a stick of incense.

 

It looks like we'll have to make the best of the Thistle Dew.

I knew Treeduck would show up. He's a member of the BRAWL'rs...sumthin' is going on under the radar. He wouldn't hang at neverland..It's beneath his technical death metal sensibilities. Just wait Tony will show up just to curse at the dumbasses in front of Neverland with those sequined gloves.

 

He didn't look too happy in that tent, but all the rooms in town are spoken for. I'm sure Norman can make room for him at the Thistle Dew; maybe he can bunk with Kato.

What's with Lorraine and Kato? Always showing up looking windswept. Oh, been meaning to ask, has Norman asked to suck your toes yet? Dude's a perv I think!

 

I can't explain Lorraine's windblown look, but she does have a habit of disappearing just about every night. First the Hare Krishnas and Laurel Canyon, then she goes to meet Norman's mother for tea, but ends up at Flynt's place. Now she's dressing up like one of the 7COG dancers. She hasn't been out here a week and she's already running with the wrong crowd. I'll have to keep an eye on her.

 

I haven't seen Norman since he went to Home Depot to buy more roofing tiles this afternoon. I think I'll put a chain lock on our door before he returns.

 

BTW, you'll hear no more mention of treeduck out of me. It's up to you to incorporate him into the story. I don't feel like dealing with his wrath should he stumble upon this thread. I'll stick to the Thistle Dew.

I ran into Norman in Wal-Mart looking at fly swatters.

[Lorraine]

Honestly after eating Michael Jackson’s nose, we felt we were imbued with special powers. We kept repeating the lyrics to “Secret Touch” and “One Little Victory” with the hopes that Goobs would telepathically sense our group chants, thus experiencing endless torture …did it work?

I don't know if it worked, but the prison had reported that Goober was constantly visiting the ivory throne during that time.

If only we had video of this

I can't like this enough...it deserves millions

Most of the time, I lament the fact that we don't have high speed.

 

This isn't one of those times.

[Tombstone Mountain]

The Yukon Blade Grinder: Scorned Woman Edition

 

 

11.20.13

 

As the stars look down on the Yukon Blade Grinder, they certainly do it with a smile. Fortune favors the bold, and the Grinder put up a small fortune for the opportunity to interview the victims of the deranged “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” cult leader—Rush Goober. Safely making it back to the real world, the victims are ready to speak and let their story be told. Wanting to deal with a “legitimate” media outlet, the Yukon Blade Grinder was the only choice for these ladies to share their tale of woe and frustration. $10,000 bucks seemed a like pittance to help heal the wounds of this talented group. Only to happy to accept the money, Hustler founder Larry Flynt opened the door of opportunity for our oft imitated, yet never duplicated news beacon.

 

Great Expectations

 

At one point they were destined to be the highlight of attending a Rush show during the gigantic Clockwork Angels tour. Never before had the band been accompanied onstage. Eager to stretch beyond the familiar, Rush has never lacked ambition. Within minutes of the albums release, the epic “Seven Cities of Gold” skyrocketed to the top of the Canadian Adult Music charts, and it seemed only logical to pursue a duel threat of talent—exotic dance and virtuoso musicianship. Could such a combination be found?

 

Painstakingly scouring the depths of gentlemen’s clubs throughout the Great White North, Anthem Entertainment auditioned hundreds of women who fit the bill. A mere handful received the lifelong credential of being called a “Seven Cities of Gold” dancer. To stand in front of a talent-judging panel consisting of band manager Ray Danniels with Geddy, Alex and Neil was no cakewalk, and those who persevered through the gauntlet were proud to live out every Canadian woman’s dream.

 

Ever proactive, the dancers decided to have a “get to know each other” group survival outing with Les Stroud before band rehearsals. Knowing the skills of a performing musician are much different than just taking your clothes off in front of random men, they dedicated two months to learning each other’s instruments, just in case an emergency popped up and someone needed to pick up the slack. For hours upon hours they practiced on the frozen tundra of the Yukon, eating only what they found foraging, or from what they killed with their lethal arrows. Elk, moose, and their favorite red meat—beaver—had no chance against this group’s tenacious survival instincts and keen eye for the hunted.

 

Such dedication would be rewarded in someway they thought. No one wanted to be responsible for ruining the show. Spending hours upon hours in the gym toning up bodies and learning to dance in 7/8 time, the dancers put in the sweat to make the dream a fulfilling one. It seemed the axiom “perspiration causes inspiration” became the defining slogan for these minx of the Great White North. However, as rehearsals commenced and additional bit players were added to the mix, issues arose like towering flames of a funeral pyre.

 

The Flawed Couple

 

It was no surprise the SCOG dancers would be colleagues of another highly regarded performing group, the British Repertoires Acclaimed Wee Legion. Those words alone have spelled trouble for every movie requiring elite performing dwarfs, and the Yukon Blade Grinder has some experience with this crew. Supplying the needs for films such as the timeless Harry Potter saga, Lord of the Rings, Willow, and Time Bandits, the acting troupe is the lone giant of this tiny acting niche. Known for mayhem and mischief, yet in the opinion of Anthem Entertainment, well worth the potential snares of the talent vs. aggravation trade-off. The BRAWL’rs filled the unique role of bringing the story of Clockwork Angels to life. At first the union was joyful and full of wonder, as all parties felt excited about becoming a part of the Rush family.

 

Always professional when on the clock, the team enjoyed the nightlife a little too much it seems. Hitting the town after hours and appearing in tabloids dancing on tables at local establishments, whispers of doubt began to creep into company official’s minds as more and more chicanery arose. It turns out that was only the start of an ill-fated relationship destined to end up in flames.

 

The Interview: Part One

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder, with this unprecedented access, now answers some of the lingering questions alive in the mind of its readers. Upon entering the safe house supplied by Mr. Flynt we got the exclusive story behind the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” debacle. Guided into a conference room we see the ladies looking fresh and healthy, ready to clear the air regarding this saga. With placards marked only by stage names, the Grinder starts the questions rolling, however there is but one spokeswoman for the group, Robin Redbreasts. In her right hand she holds six leashes, each one attached to a SCOG dancer. It’s obvious she’s in charge. With this first installment, we probe into the minds of the Seven Cities of Gold dancers:

 

YBG: Thanks for the opportunity to meet you all today. Wow, you all look great. I love the tattoos. Turns out you all appear to be “granola girls”, not afraid of living in the elements I see. Fair to say the world is waiting for some insight into this mess. One thing people are dying to know, why? Why did you follow Rush Goober to Neverland and become a part of this cult

RR: Well, it was just a tough situation. The Orbit Room melee marked a defining moment for us. When we found out the band was giving the BRAWL’rs these stimulants called Todem, it explained away some of the mystery for their overly aggressive behavior. It made our workplace environment more stressful than it needed to be. Alex thought it was this big freaking joke when he mentioned it to us when the BRAWL’rs band was playing.

 

YBG: What was the name of the make shift band of midgets?

RR: Oedipus Complex 4. Pretty good I gotta admit! Slamming dwarf metal.

 

YBG: Ok, back to my question. You all should be use to being the objects of affection, I mean, you’re strippers. What was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

RR: Yeah, we’re used to not having eye contact when we speak to men, always checking out our racks, but the BRAWL’rs are dwarfs. They’re looking up our skirts. Bit annoying. However Goobs didn’t do any of that. He seemed to understand our situation. So we felt he was “different” than the rest of the trolls. After we got canned, he offered up this plan to help dilute the pain and disappointment of being let go. It worked for a little while, that was until he wanted us to pose naked on the animals at the Ranch—that’s where we drew the line. f**k his calendar idea!

 

YBG: You trained endlessly for the CA gig. What was it like to play with the icons of Canada?

RR: Awesome at first. Every time we played our instruments it was a blast. We loved rocking out to Manhattan Project and The Wreckers. And the dancing was even better. We were practically drooling over the chance to do our thing at a Rush concert. It’s all men and we knew the tips would flow endlessly. When the subject came up about collecting the money, which was a real fly in the ointment, the band said those funds were going to be used for their pet charity project, the Toronto Urban Resource Developmental League. It’s a reform program for incarcerated teen gangbangers from inner city Toronto. They made a big deal out of it. Even brought in Mayor Rob Ford during one of our rehearsals. It was fun watching him dry hump Neil’s bass drum during YYZ. I wonder how he’s doing now?

 

YBG: Not too well. Now, back to the story at hand. There are rumors that Rush tried to distribute a medication to the dance group to help with PMS symptoms…I believe it was called “Hand over Fist”, is that true?

RR: Yes. To their credit it got rid of the cramps, but just gave us splitting headaches instead. Overall, most women prefer cramps over a splitting migraine

 

YBG: Hmmm OK. Now you were documented chanting what appear to be lyrics from a Rush album called Vapor Trails while incarcerated…why?

RR: Honestly after eating Michael Jackson’s nose, we felt we were imbued with special powers. We kept repeating the lyrics to “Secret Touch” and “One Little Victory” with the hopes that Goobs would telepathically sense our group chants, thus experiencing endless torture …did it work?

YBG: I dunno…it sure puzzled the hell out of the investigators.

 

YBG: ok, Larry Flynt posted your bail. You all know of him, I see that a couple of you have made films for him. What’s he like to hang out with?

RR: Oh just like the BRAWL’rs, except he’s not getting out of that wheelchair to harass us.

 

 

 

--End of Part I--

 

This is getting juicy folks with the most interesting of questions to come. The Yukon Blade Grinder has been invited to spend the evening here at the safe house, free from the parameters of an interview. I do hope my cohorts at the Thistle Dew Motel understand when I don’t show up this evening with dinner. This is earth-shaking material I’m uncovering and someone needs to step in the breach to report the news…I hope I’m up for the task![/size]

Can someone's testicles handle the beat of a bass drum? Especially when YYZ is being played on them?

[Lorraine]

Does anyone know where I can buy little bells to wear on my fingers?

Intimate Treasures just outside Smith Ave. I have found a possible option regarding hotels. How does "the Soak and Poke" sound?

[Lorraine]

The Yukon Blade Grinder: Scorned Woman Edition

 

 

11.20.13

 

As the stars look down on the Yukon Blade Grinder, they certainly do it with a smile. Fortune favors the bold, and the Grinder put up a small fortune for the opportunity to interview the victims of the deranged “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” cult leader—Rush Goober. Safely making it back to the real world, the victims are ready to speak and let their story be told. Wanting to deal with a “legitimate” media outlet, the Yukon Blade Grinder was the only choice for these ladies to share their tale of woe and frustration. $10,000 bucks seemed a like pittance to help heal the wounds of this talented group. Only to happy to accept the money, Hustler founder Larry Flynt opened the door of opportunity for our oft imitated, yet never duplicated news beacon.

 

Great Expectations

 

At one point they were destined to be the highlight of attending a Rush show during the gigantic Clockwork Angels tour. Never before had the band been accompanied onstage. Eager to stretch beyond the familiar, Rush has never lacked ambition. Within minutes of the albums release, the epic “Seven Cities of Gold” skyrocketed to the top of the Canadian Adult Music charts, and it seemed only logical to pursue a duel threat of talent—exotic dance and virtuoso musicianship. Could such a combination be found?

 

Painstakingly scouring the depths of gentlemen’s clubs throughout the Great White North, Anthem Entertainment auditioned hundreds of women who fit the bill. A mere handful received the lifelong credential of being called a “Seven Cities of Gold” dancer. To stand in front of a talent-judging panel consisting of band manager Ray Danniels with Geddy, Alex and Neil was no cakewalk, and those who persevered through the gauntlet were proud to live out every Canadian woman’s dream.

 

Ever proactive, the dancers decided to have a “get to know each other” group survival outing with Les Stroud before band rehearsals. Knowing the skills of a performing musician are much different than just taking your clothes off in front of random men, they dedicated two months to learning each other’s instruments, just in case an emergency popped up and someone needed to pick up the slack. For hours upon hours they practiced on the frozen tundra of the Yukon, eating only what they found foraging, or from what they killed with their lethal arrows. Elk, moose, and their favorite red meat—beaver—had no chance against this group’s tenacious survival instincts and keen eye for the hunted.

 

Such dedication would be rewarded in someway they thought. No one wanted to be responsible for ruining the show. Spending hours upon hours in the gym toning up bodies and learning to dance in 7/8 time, the dancers put in the sweat to make the dream a fulfilling one. It seemed the axiom “perspiration causes inspiration” became the defining slogan for these minx of the Great White North. However, as rehearsals commenced and additional bit players were added to the mix, issues arose like towering flames of a funeral pyre.

 

The Flawed Couple

 

It was no surprise the SCOG dancers would be colleagues of another highly regarded performing group, the British Repertoires Acclaimed Wee Legion. Those words alone have spelled trouble for every movie requiring elite performing dwarfs, and the Yukon Blade Grinder has some experience with this crew. Supplying the needs for films such as the timeless Harry Potter saga, Lord of the Rings, Willow, and Time Bandits, the acting troupe is the lone giant of this tiny acting niche. Known for mayhem and mischief, yet in the opinion of Anthem Entertainment, well worth the potential snares of the talent vs. aggravation trade-off. The BRAWL’rs filled the unique role of bringing the story of Clockwork Angels to life. At first the union was joyful and full of wonder, as all parties felt excited about becoming a part of the Rush family.

 

Always professional when on the clock, the team enjoyed the nightlife a little too much it seems. Hitting the town after hours and appearing in tabloids dancing on tables at local establishments, whispers of doubt began to creep into company official’s minds as more and more chicanery arose. It turns out that was only the start of an ill-fated relationship destined to end up in flames.

 

The Interview: Part One

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder, with this unprecedented access, now answers some of the lingering questions alive in the mind of its readers. Upon entering the safe house supplied by Mr. Flynt we got the exclusive story behind the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” debacle. Guided into a conference room we see the ladies looking fresh and healthy, ready to clear the air regarding this saga. With placards marked only by stage names, the Grinder starts the questions rolling, however there is but one spokeswoman for the group, Robin Redbreasts. In her right hand she holds six leashes, each one attached to a SCOG dancer. It’s obvious she’s in charge. With this first installment, we probe into the minds of the Seven Cities of Gold dancers:

 

YBG: Thanks for the opportunity to meet you all today. Wow, you all look great. I love the tattoos. Turns out you all appear to be “granola girls”, not afraid of living in the elements I see. Fair to say the world is waiting for some insight into this mess. One thing people are dying to know, why? Why did you follow Rush Goober to Neverland and become a part of this cult

RR: Well, it was just a tough situation. The Orbit Room melee marked a defining moment for us. When we found out the band was giving the BRAWL’rs these stimulants called Todem, it explained away some of the mystery for their overly aggressive behavior. It made our workplace environment more stressful than it needed to be. Alex thought it was this big freaking joke when he mentioned it to us when the BRAWL’rs band was playing.

 

YBG: What was the name of the make shift band of midgets?

RR: Oedipus Complex 4. Pretty good I gotta admit! Slamming dwarf metal.

 

YBG: Ok, back to my question. You all should be use to being the objects of affection, I mean, you’re strippers. What was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

RR: Yeah, we’re used to not having eye contact when we speak to men, always checking out our racks, but the BRAWL’rs are dwarfs. They’re looking up our skirts. Bit annoying. However Goobs didn’t do any of that. He seemed to understand our situation. So we felt he was “different” than the rest of the trolls. After we got canned, he offered up this plan to help dilute the pain and disappointment of being let go. It worked for a little while, that was until he wanted us to pose naked on the animals at the Ranch—that’s where we drew the line. f**k his calendar idea!

 

YBG: You trained endlessly for the CA gig. What was it like to play with the icons of Canada?

RR: Awesome at first. Every time we played our instruments it was a blast. We loved rocking out to Manhattan Project and The Wreckers. And the dancing was even better. We were practically drooling over the chance to do our thing at a Rush concert. It’s all men and we knew the tips would flow endlessly. When the subject came up about collecting the money, which was a real fly in the ointment, the band said those funds were going to be used for their pet charity project, the Toronto Urban Resource Developmental League. It’s a reform program for incarcerated teen gangbangers from inner city Toronto. They made a big deal out of it. Even brought in Mayor Rob Ford during one of our rehearsals. It was fun watching him dry hump Neil’s bass drum during YYZ. I wonder how he’s doing now?

 

YBG: Not too well. Now, back to the story at hand. There are rumors that Rush tried to distribute a medication to the dance group to help with PMS symptoms…I believe it was called “Hand over Fist”, is that true?

RR: Yes. To their credit it got rid of the cramps, but just gave us splitting headaches instead. Overall, most women prefer cramps over a splitting migraine

 

YBG: Hmmm OK. Now you were documented chanting what appear to be lyrics from a Rush album called Vapor Trails while incarcerated…why?

RR: Honestly after eating Michael Jackson’s nose, we felt we were imbued with special powers. We kept repeating the lyrics to “Secret Touch” and “One Little Victory” with the hopes that Goobs would telepathically sense our group chants, thus experiencing endless torture …did it work?

YBG: I dunno…it sure puzzled the hell out of the investigators.

 

YBG: ok, Larry Flynt posted your bail. You all know of him, I see that a couple of you have made films for him. What’s he like to hang out with?

RR: Oh just like the BRAWL’rs, except he’s not getting out of that wheelchair to harass us.

 

 

 

--End of Part I--

 

This is getting juicy folks with the most interesting of questions to come. The Yukon Blade Grinder has been invited to spend the evening here at the safe house, free from the parameters of an interview. I do hope my cohorts at the Thistle Dew Motel understand when I don’t show up this evening with dinner. This is earth-shaking material I’m uncovering and someone needs to step in the breach to report the news…I hope I’m up for the task![/size]

Can someone's testicles handle the beat of a bass drum? Especially when YYZ is being played on them?

 

Ouch

[Tombstone Mountain]

Does anyone know where I can buy little bells to wear on my fingers?

Intimate Treasures just outside Smith Ave. I have found a possible option regarding hotels. How does "the Soak and Poke" sound?

Just letting you know we have options. Could it be any creepier than the Thistle Dew?

[Tombstone Mountain]

The Yukon Blade Grinder: Scorned Woman Edition

 

 

11.20.13

 

As the stars look down on the Yukon Blade Grinder, they certainly do it with a smile. Fortune favors the bold, and the Grinder put up a small fortune for the opportunity to interview the victims of the deranged “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” cult leader—Rush Goober. Safely making it back to the real world, the victims are ready to speak and let their story be told. Wanting to deal with a “legitimate” media outlet, the Yukon Blade Grinder was the only choice for these ladies to share their tale of woe and frustration. $10,000 bucks seemed a like pittance to help heal the wounds of this talented group. Only to happy to accept the money, Hustler founder Larry Flynt opened the door of opportunity for our oft imitated, yet never duplicated news beacon.

 

Great Expectations

 

At one point they were destined to be the highlight of attending a Rush show during the gigantic Clockwork Angels tour. Never before had the band been accompanied onstage. Eager to stretch beyond the familiar, Rush has never lacked ambition. Within minutes of the albums release, the epic “Seven Cities of Gold” skyrocketed to the top of the Canadian Adult Music charts, and it seemed only logical to pursue a duel threat of talent—exotic dance and virtuoso musicianship. Could such a combination be found?

 

Painstakingly scouring the depths of gentlemen’s clubs throughout the Great White North, Anthem Entertainment auditioned hundreds of women who fit the bill. A mere handful received the lifelong credential of being called a “Seven Cities of Gold” dancer. To stand in front of a talent-judging panel consisting of band manager Ray Danniels with Geddy, Alex and Neil was no cakewalk, and those who persevered through the gauntlet were proud to live out every Canadian woman’s dream.

 

Ever proactive, the dancers decided to have a “get to know each other” group survival outing with Les Stroud before band rehearsals. Knowing the skills of a performing musician are much different than just taking your clothes off in front of random men, they dedicated two months to learning each other’s instruments, just in case an emergency popped up and someone needed to pick up the slack. For hours upon hours they practiced on the frozen tundra of the Yukon, eating only what they found foraging, or from what they killed with their lethal arrows. Elk, moose, and their favorite red meat—beaver—had no chance against this group’s tenacious survival instincts and keen eye for the hunted.

 

Such dedication would be rewarded in someway they thought. No one wanted to be responsible for ruining the show. Spending hours upon hours in the gym toning up bodies and learning to dance in 7/8 time, the dancers put in the sweat to make the dream a fulfilling one. It seemed the axiom “perspiration causes inspiration” became the defining slogan for these minx of the Great White North. However, as rehearsals commenced and additional bit players were added to the mix, issues arose like towering flames of a funeral pyre.

 

The Flawed Couple

 

It was no surprise the SCOG dancers would be colleagues of another highly regarded performing group, the British Repertoires Acclaimed Wee Legion. Those words alone have spelled trouble for every movie requiring elite performing dwarfs, and the Yukon Blade Grinder has some experience with this crew. Supplying the needs for films such as the timeless Harry Potter saga, Lord of the Rings, Willow, and Time Bandits, the acting troupe is the lone giant of this tiny acting niche. Known for mayhem and mischief, yet in the opinion of Anthem Entertainment, well worth the potential snares of the talent vs. aggravation trade-off. The BRAWL’rs filled the unique role of bringing the story of Clockwork Angels to life. At first the union was joyful and full of wonder, as all parties felt excited about becoming a part of the Rush family.

 

Always professional when on the clock, the team enjoyed the nightlife a little too much it seems. Hitting the town after hours and appearing in tabloids dancing on tables at local establishments, whispers of doubt began to creep into company official’s minds as more and more chicanery arose. It turns out that was only the start of an ill-fated relationship destined to end up in flames.

 

The Interview: Part One

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder, with this unprecedented access, now answers some of the lingering questions alive in the mind of its readers. Upon entering the safe house supplied by Mr. Flynt we got the exclusive story behind the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” debacle. Guided into a conference room we see the ladies looking fresh and healthy, ready to clear the air regarding this saga. With placards marked only by stage names, the Grinder starts the questions rolling, however there is but one spokeswoman for the group, Robin Redbreasts. In her right hand she holds six leashes, each one attached to a SCOG dancer. It’s obvious she’s in charge. With this first installment, we probe into the minds of the Seven Cities of Gold dancers:

 

YBG: Thanks for the opportunity to meet you all today. Wow, you all look great. I love the tattoos. Turns out you all appear to be “granola girls”, not afraid of living in the elements I see. Fair to say the world is waiting for some insight into this mess. One thing people are dying to know, why? Why did you follow Rush Goober to Neverland and become a part of this cult

RR: Well, it was just a tough situation. The Orbit Room melee marked a defining moment for us. When we found out the band was giving the BRAWL’rs these stimulants called Todem, it explained away some of the mystery for their overly aggressive behavior. It made our workplace environment more stressful than it needed to be. Alex thought it was this big freaking joke when he mentioned it to us when the BRAWL’rs band was playing.

 

YBG: What was the name of the make shift band of midgets?

RR: Oedipus Complex 4. Pretty good I gotta admit! Slamming dwarf metal.

 

YBG: Ok, back to my question. You all should be use to being the objects of affection, I mean, you’re strippers. What was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

RR: Yeah, we’re used to not having eye contact when we speak to men, always checking out our racks, but the BRAWL’rs are dwarfs. They’re looking up our skirts. Bit annoying. However Goobs didn’t do any of that. He seemed to understand our situation. So we felt he was “different” than the rest of the trolls. After we got canned, he offered up this plan to help dilute the pain and disappointment of being let go. It worked for a little while, that was until he wanted us to pose naked on the animals at the Ranch—that’s where we drew the line. f**k his calendar idea!

 

YBG: You trained endlessly for the CA gig. What was it like to play with the icons of Canada?

RR: Awesome at first. Every time we played our instruments it was a blast. We loved rocking out to Manhattan Project and The Wreckers. And the dancing was even better. We were practically drooling over the chance to do our thing at a Rush concert. It’s all men and we knew the tips would flow endlessly. When the subject came up about collecting the money, which was a real fly in the ointment, the band said those funds were going to be used for their pet charity project, the Toronto Urban Resource Developmental League. It’s a reform program for incarcerated teen gangbangers from inner city Toronto. They made a big deal out of it. Even brought in Mayor Rob Ford during one of our rehearsals. It was fun watching him dry hump Neil’s bass drum during YYZ. I wonder how he’s doing now?

 

YBG: Not too well. Now, back to the story at hand. There are rumors that Rush tried to distribute a medication to the dance group to help with PMS symptoms…I believe it was called “Hand over Fist”, is that true?

RR: Yes. To their credit it got rid of the cramps, but just gave us splitting headaches instead. Overall, most women prefer cramps over a splitting migraine

 

YBG: Hmmm OK. Now you were documented chanting what appear to be lyrics from a Rush album called Vapor Trails while incarcerated…why?

RR: Honestly after eating Michael Jackson’s nose, we felt we were imbued with special powers. We kept repeating the lyrics to “Secret Touch” and “One Little Victory” with the hopes that Goobs would telepathically sense our group chants, thus experiencing endless torture …did it work?

YBG: I dunno…it sure puzzled the hell out of the investigators.

 

YBG: ok, Larry Flynt posted your bail. You all know of him, I see that a couple of you have made films for him. What’s he like to hang out with?

RR: Oh just like the BRAWL’rs, except he’s not getting out of that wheelchair to harass us.

 

 

 

--End of Part I--

 

This is getting juicy folks with the most interesting of questions to come. The Yukon Blade Grinder has been invited to spend the evening here at the safe house, free from the parameters of an interview. I do hope my cohorts at the Thistle Dew Motel understand when I don’t show up this evening with dinner. This is earth-shaking material I’m uncovering and someone needs to step in the breach to report the news…I hope I’m up for the task![/size]

Can someone's testicles handle the beat of a bass drum? Especially when YYZ is being played on them?

 

Ouch

According to the Seven Cities of Gold dancers Mayor Ford handled it without blinking.

[Tombstone Mountain]

Honestly after eating Michael Jackson’s nose, we felt we were imbued with special powers. We kept repeating the lyrics to “Secret Touch” and “One Little Victory” with the hopes that Goobs would telepathically sense our group chants, thus experiencing endless torture …did it work?

I don't know if it worked, but the prison had reported that Goober was constantly visiting the ivory throne during that time.

If only we had video of this

I can't like this enough...it deserves millions

Most of the time, I lament the fact that we don't have high speed.

 

This isn't one of those times.

It is high art Lorraine!

[Lorraine]

Does anyone know where I can buy little bells to wear on my fingers?

Intimate Treasures just outside Smith Ave. I have found a possible option regarding hotels. How does "the Soak and Poke" sound?

Just letting you know we have options. Could it be any creepier than the Thistle Dew?

I don't want to find out.

[Lorraine]

The Yukon Blade Grinder: Scorned Woman Edition

 

 

11.20.13

 

As the stars look down on the Yukon Blade Grinder, they certainly do it with a smile. Fortune favors the bold, and the Grinder put up a small fortune for the opportunity to interview the victims of the deranged “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” cult leader—Rush Goober. Safely making it back to the real world, the victims are ready to speak and let their story be told. Wanting to deal with a “legitimate” media outlet, the Yukon Blade Grinder was the only choice for these ladies to share their tale of woe and frustration. $10,000 bucks seemed a like pittance to help heal the wounds of this talented group. Only to happy to accept the money, Hustler founder Larry Flynt opened the door of opportunity for our oft imitated, yet never duplicated news beacon.

 

Great Expectations

 

At one point they were destined to be the highlight of attending a Rush show during the gigantic Clockwork Angels tour. Never before had the band been accompanied onstage. Eager to stretch beyond the familiar, Rush has never lacked ambition. Within minutes of the albums release, the epic “Seven Cities of Gold” skyrocketed to the top of the Canadian Adult Music charts, and it seemed only logical to pursue a duel threat of talent—exotic dance and virtuoso musicianship. Could such a combination be found?

 

Painstakingly scouring the depths of gentlemen’s clubs throughout the Great White North, Anthem Entertainment auditioned hundreds of women who fit the bill. A mere handful received the lifelong credential of being called a “Seven Cities of Gold” dancer. To stand in front of a talent-judging panel consisting of band manager Ray Danniels with Geddy, Alex and Neil was no cakewalk, and those who persevered through the gauntlet were proud to live out every Canadian woman’s dream.

 

Ever proactive, the dancers decided to have a “get to know each other” group survival outing with Les Stroud before band rehearsals. Knowing the skills of a performing musician are much different than just taking your clothes off in front of random men, they dedicated two months to learning each other’s instruments, just in case an emergency popped up and someone needed to pick up the slack. For hours upon hours they practiced on the frozen tundra of the Yukon, eating only what they found foraging, or from what they killed with their lethal arrows. Elk, moose, and their favorite red meat—beaver—had no chance against this group’s tenacious survival instincts and keen eye for the hunted.

 

Such dedication would be rewarded in someway they thought. No one wanted to be responsible for ruining the show. Spending hours upon hours in the gym toning up bodies and learning to dance in 7/8 time, the dancers put in the sweat to make the dream a fulfilling one. It seemed the axiom “perspiration causes inspiration” became the defining slogan for these minx of the Great White North. However, as rehearsals commenced and additional bit players were added to the mix, issues arose like towering flames of a funeral pyre.

 

The Flawed Couple

 

It was no surprise the SCOG dancers would be colleagues of another highly regarded performing group, the British Repertoires Acclaimed Wee Legion. Those words alone have spelled trouble for every movie requiring elite performing dwarfs, and the Yukon Blade Grinder has some experience with this crew. Supplying the needs for films such as the timeless Harry Potter saga, Lord of the Rings, Willow, and Time Bandits, the acting troupe is the lone giant of this tiny acting niche. Known for mayhem and mischief, yet in the opinion of Anthem Entertainment, well worth the potential snares of the talent vs. aggravation trade-off. The BRAWL’rs filled the unique role of bringing the story of Clockwork Angels to life. At first the union was joyful and full of wonder, as all parties felt excited about becoming a part of the Rush family.

 

Always professional when on the clock, the team enjoyed the nightlife a little too much it seems. Hitting the town after hours and appearing in tabloids dancing on tables at local establishments, whispers of doubt began to creep into company official’s minds as more and more chicanery arose. It turns out that was only the start of an ill-fated relationship destined to end up in flames.

 

The Interview: Part One

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder, with this unprecedented access, now answers some of the lingering questions alive in the mind of its readers. Upon entering the safe house supplied by Mr. Flynt we got the exclusive story behind the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” debacle. Guided into a conference room we see the ladies looking fresh and healthy, ready to clear the air regarding this saga. With placards marked only by stage names, the Grinder starts the questions rolling, however there is but one spokeswoman for the group, Robin Redbreasts. In her right hand she holds six leashes, each one attached to a SCOG dancer. It’s obvious she’s in charge. With this first installment, we probe into the minds of the Seven Cities of Gold dancers:

 

YBG: Thanks for the opportunity to meet you all today. Wow, you all look great. I love the tattoos. Turns out you all appear to be “granola girls”, not afraid of living in the elements I see. Fair to say the world is waiting for some insight into this mess. One thing people are dying to know, why? Why did you follow Rush Goober to Neverland and become a part of this cult

RR: Well, it was just a tough situation. The Orbit Room melee marked a defining moment for us. When we found out the band was giving the BRAWL’rs these stimulants called Todem, it explained away some of the mystery for their overly aggressive behavior. It made our workplace environment more stressful than it needed to be. Alex thought it was this big freaking joke when he mentioned it to us when the BRAWL’rs band was playing.

 

YBG: What was the name of the make shift band of midgets?

RR: Oedipus Complex 4. Pretty good I gotta admit! Slamming dwarf metal.

 

YBG: Ok, back to my question. You all should be use to being the objects of affection, I mean, you’re strippers. What was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

RR: Yeah, we’re used to not having eye contact when we speak to men, always checking out our racks, but the BRAWL’rs are dwarfs. They’re looking up our skirts. Bit annoying. However Goobs didn’t do any of that. He seemed to understand our situation. So we felt he was “different” than the rest of the trolls. After we got canned, he offered up this plan to help dilute the pain and disappointment of being let go. It worked for a little while, that was until he wanted us to pose naked on the animals at the Ranch—that’s where we drew the line. f**k his calendar idea!

 

YBG: You trained endlessly for the CA gig. What was it like to play with the icons of Canada?

RR: Awesome at first. Every time we played our instruments it was a blast. We loved rocking out to Manhattan Project and The Wreckers. And the dancing was even better. We were practically drooling over the chance to do our thing at a Rush concert. It’s all men and we knew the tips would flow endlessly. When the subject came up about collecting the money, which was a real fly in the ointment, the band said those funds were going to be used for their pet charity project, the Toronto Urban Resource Developmental League. It’s a reform program for incarcerated teen gangbangers from inner city Toronto. They made a big deal out of it. Even brought in Mayor Rob Ford during one of our rehearsals. It was fun watching him dry hump Neil’s bass drum during YYZ. I wonder how he’s doing now?

 

YBG: Not too well. Now, back to the story at hand. There are rumors that Rush tried to distribute a medication to the dance group to help with PMS symptoms…I believe it was called “Hand over Fist”, is that true?

RR: Yes. To their credit it got rid of the cramps, but just gave us splitting headaches instead. Overall, most women prefer cramps over a splitting migraine

 

YBG: Hmmm OK. Now you were documented chanting what appear to be lyrics from a Rush album called Vapor Trails while incarcerated…why?

RR: Honestly after eating Michael Jackson’s nose, we felt we were imbued with special powers. We kept repeating the lyrics to “Secret Touch” and “One Little Victory” with the hopes that Goobs would telepathically sense our group chants, thus experiencing endless torture …did it work?

YBG: I dunno…it sure puzzled the hell out of the investigators.

 

YBG: ok, Larry Flynt posted your bail. You all know of him, I see that a couple of you have made films for him. What’s he like to hang out with?

RR: Oh just like the BRAWL’rs, except he’s not getting out of that wheelchair to harass us.

 

 

 

--End of Part I--

 

This is getting juicy folks with the most interesting of questions to come. The Yukon Blade Grinder has been invited to spend the evening here at the safe house, free from the parameters of an interview. I do hope my cohorts at the Thistle Dew Motel understand when I don’t show up this evening with dinner. This is earth-shaking material I’m uncovering and someone needs to step in the breach to report the news…I hope I’m up for the task![/size]

Can someone's testicles handle the beat of a bass drum? Especially when YYZ is being played on them?

 

Ouch

According to the Seven Cities of Gold dancers Mayor Ford handled it without blinking.

 

He was anesthetized.

[HomesickAlien]

Does anyone know where I can buy little bells to wear on my fingers?

Intimate Treasures just outside Smith Ave. I have found a possible option regarding hotels. How does "the Soak and Poke" sound?

Just letting you know we have options. Could it be any creepier than the Thistle Dew?

 

I heard that the Soak and Poke was recently raided because the proprietor was running a prostitution ring out of the place.

 

Better the devil you know. . .

[HomesickAlien]

Undoubtedly, one and all (what does the "all" add up to now? three?) are wondering where I've been.

 

All I can say is I was saved by Lakeisha and two of her dancing and ukulele playing Sisters.

 

On my way up to tea with Norman's mother, I became aware of a car horn beeping furiously. Lo and behold, there was Lakeisha and two of her cronies. She asked me where I was going. When I told her, she said that I shouldn't do that unless I wanted to wind up in a taxidermist office. I've learned not to ask any questions (for fear of hearing the answers), so I obediently hopped into the back seat and off we went.

 

Really, I should have at least asked where we were going because the next thing I knew we were driving up the endless driveway to Larry Flynt's estate. The first thing I saw was Tombstone chasing that chimpanzee in a negligee around the grounds. Very troublesome sight. We must have a talk with the man.

 

Larry very graciously greeted me and promised to be on his best behavior. We all have different definitions of "best" apparently, as mine does not line up with Larry's. Be that as it may, we spent an enjoyable evening watching old Pola Negri silent films and snacking on granola and carrot sticks. Wretched combination. Don't try it. Then Larry further entertained us by reading random chapters from his very much read and dog-eared copy of Hollywood Babylon.

 

My experiences in Southern Cal have given a new meaning to the word "bizarre" to me.

 

 

You have a habit of finding trouble when you leave the Thistle Dew unescorted.

 

I apologize if all the racket is preventing you from getting some much needed rest after your night with Larry and the girls (Oh, and Tombstone) , but I've been up on the roof all day replacing tiles.

 

Norman was in an unusually foul mood this morning. He had a big night on the town planned yesterday, his first in years, but his date cancelled at the last minute. To make matters worse, Tombstone's latest rent check bounced, and he said we'll have to earn our keep around here. He asked me to take a look at a stubborn stain in one of the showers after I finish with the roof.

 

Tombstone graced us with a brief visit. He dropped of that VHS copy of Forbidden Paradise that you won in the poker game with Flynt last night.

 

I hope Tombstone seeks counseling for that chimp fetish. I spied that poor creature in the passenger seat, wearing a Bubba's Bar & Grill t-shirt and a kufi. Very troubling, indeed.

 

Is Bubbles still alive?

Yes, I know. From now on we have to have some type of buddy system in place. I seem to find trouble even when I'm not looking for it. And staying (more like living at the rate this crisis is taking to resolve itself) at the Thistle Dew is trouble enough. Now with Normie in a bad mood - ditched by his chick and taken by a bounced check - I do believe it is time to relocate. I wouldn't advise the Flynt Estate. Of course, Substance, you are free to choose to stay there, but count me out. I'd rather go back to living in a pitched tent and waking up with sleeping bad hair and puffy eyelids at Wonderland (or is it Neverland? Hard to keep everything straight anymore - pretty soon I'll need an I.D. bracelet just to remember my own name!).

 

As for your friend Bubbles, I have no news. Might try calling the investigative reporter at the Grinder. They know everything.

 

Has anyone heard from Goober?

 

Lorraine, don't go wobbly now. There's not a vacant room left in town because of all the media gathered for the trial, and you can forget about returning to that tent. Someone must have stolen it after we abandoned the jailhouse grounds. I'm pretty sure I saw it pitched by the gates of Neverland yesterday afternoon. When I walked over to check it out, a curious figure emerged. He had a great mane of hair and spoke with a Manc accent, called himself "treeduck", I think. He was the only one who refused to sign my petition. You should have seen the look on his face when I offered him a stick of incense.

 

It looks like we'll have to make the best of the Thistle Dew.

I knew Treeduck would show up. He's a member of the BRAWL'rs...sumthin' is going on under the radar. He wouldn't hang at neverland..It's beneath his technical death metal sensibilities. Just wait Tony will show up just to curse at the dumbasses in front of Neverland with those sequined gloves.

 

He didn't look too happy in that tent, but all the rooms in town are spoken for. I'm sure Norman can make room for him at the Thistle Dew; maybe he can bunk with Kato.

What's with Lorraine and Kato? Always showing up looking windswept. Oh, been meaning to ask, has Norman asked to suck your toes yet? Dude's a perv I think!

 

I can't explain Lorraine's windblown look, but she does have a habit of disappearing just about every night. First the Hare Krishnas and Laurel Canyon, then she goes to meet Norman's mother for tea, but ends up at Flynt's place. Now she's dressing up like one of the 7COG dancers. She hasn't been out here a week and she's already running with the wrong crowd. I'll have to keep an eye on her.

 

I haven't seen Norman since he went to Home Depot to buy more roofing tiles this afternoon. I think I'll put a chain lock on our door before he returns.

 

BTW, you'll hear no more mention of treeduck out of me. It's up to you to incorporate him into the story. I don't feel like dealing with his wrath should he stumble upon this thread. I'll stick to the Thistle Dew.

I ran into Norman in Wal-Mart looking at fly swatters.

 

Didn't you sneak out last night to meet some of the locals? I know how bored you get at the Thistle Dew after I go to bed.

 

 

 

 

 

I need some material for tonight's update.

[Lorraine]

Didn't you sneak out last night to meet some of the locals? I know how bored you get at the Thistle Dew after I go to bed.

:o No I did not!!!

 

They came to see me. They wanted to see my Michael Jackson doll in action. One of them offered me a bushel of apples for it. I declined to make a deal. Pretty shabby offerings, don't you think?

[Lorraine]

Does anyone know where I can buy little bells to wear on my fingers?

Intimate Treasures just outside Smith Ave. I have found a possible option regarding hotels. How does "the Soak and Poke" sound?

Just letting you know we have options. Could it be any creepier than the Thistle Dew?

 

I heard that the Soak and Poke was recently raided because the proprietor was running a prostitution ring out of the place.

 

Better the devil you know. . .

Whatever happened to morality......

[Lorraine]

By the way, would any of you fellas here like to be my friend? I have a pile of friend requests gathering dust. Edited November 21, 2013 by Lorraine

[losingit2k]

Does anyone know where I can buy little bells to wear on my fingers?

http://www.amazon.com/Pairs-Professional-Fingers-Cymbal-Dancing/dp/B003HLGEFO/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1385060370&sr=8-7&keywords=Finger+bells

[HomesickAlien]

Didn't you sneak out last night to meet some of the locals? I know how bored you get at the Thistle Dew after I go to bed.

:o No I did not!!!

 

They came to see me. They wanted to see my Michael Jackson doll in action. One of them offered me a bushel of apples for it. I declined to make a deal. Pretty shabby offerings, don't you think?

 

If they come back tonight tell them you want a bushel of kiwis instead. Sacrifice, Lorraine.

 

I think we should hold a candlelight vigil outside the jail this evening. The odor of fumigant residue and incense is getting to me. Wear your 7COG dancer outfit; you should fit right in.

[HomesickAlien]

Does anyone know where I can buy little bells to wear on my fingers?

Intimate Treasures just outside Smith Ave. I have found a possible option regarding hotels. How does "the Soak and Poke" sound?

Just letting you know we have options. Could it be any creepier than the Thistle Dew?

 

I heard that the Soak and Poke was recently raided because the proprietor was running a prostitution ring out of the place.

 

Better the devil you know. . .

Whatever happened to morality......

 

At least we know where to find Tombstone after Flynt tires of his shenanigans. :laughing guy:

[Lorraine]

Does anyone know where I can buy little bells to wear on my fingers?

http://www.amazon.co...ds=Finger bells

I'm so excited. Check it out.

 

 

2 Pairs Professional Brass Fingers Cymbal Zills Belly Dancing

Be the first to review this item Price: $21.98

 

Only 6 left in stock.

Ships from and sold by dharmaobjects.

Professional Quality Solid Polished Brass

Price Includes 2 Pairs and Free Silk Pouch

Approximately 2.25 inches across, and with an expandable elastic finger loop

A Grade Zills with Great Sound

 

Thanks, Losingit!

[Lorraine]

Didn't you sneak out last night to meet some of the locals? I know how bored you get at the Thistle Dew after I go to bed.

:o No I did not!!!

 

They came to see me. They wanted to see my Michael Jackson doll in action. One of them offered me a bushel of apples for it. I declined to make a deal. Pretty shabby offerings, don't you think?

 

If they come back tonight tell them you want a bushel of kiwis instead. Sacrifice, Lorraine.

 

I think we should hold a candlelight vigil outside the jail this evening. The odor of fumigant residue and incense is getting to me. Wear your 7COG dancer outfit; you should fit right in.

What if it's cold? I might catch a chill if I wear that outfit. Lucky for me I found an extra-large :rush: hoodie laying around. It will do nicely.

 

Wait until my finger bells get here. You're going to love them! I will too. A free silk pouch is included with my order. Groovy!! :)

[greyfriar]

I'm also beginning to question the loyalty of our European comrades. Greyfriar was suspiciously silent today, and I fear he may have abandoned his petition drive.

 

You're an impatient cat, I'll do the best that I can. ;)

The petition is still running but the responses are mostly like "Who the f**k is Goober?" or "What the f**k is going on in the USA? Nose eating?". A lot of F-bombs were dropped in the blog and I got hardly love for our fellow Rushhead.

I'm very busy at the moment to find a new kind of support for our Goober. Now let me tell you my newest idea. I work in a psychiatry and I have talked to our psychologist today. She was very shocked when she heard about the case and what happened to Mr. Jacksons nose. She agreed to help out with an assessment to attest Goober's mental incapacity. That strategy could help to set him free or at least to commit him in our institution. We currently work out a therapy for him which includes a massive acoustic irradiation so that he can make his peace with MJ songs and of course with Vapor Trails. Hopefully the judge will have an understanding for our rhythm methods.

Enough now, the detailed concept is still a work in progress and we keep our fingers crossed that everything will work out fine. Here's hope!

[Lorraine]

How brilliant! An insanity plea - why didn't I think of that? It shouldn't be too hard convincing the jury and judge of it.

[H. P. L.]

It's official: Italy has its own teleportation device, pretty much USS Enterprise kinda stuff.

And, it's located in President Berlusconi's office.

Today (it's 9 pm here right now) I called in a few favours and managed to get a hearing in Berlusconi's manor, which btw is very near where I live.

Knowing the Presidente's world famous love for female beauty, I got to his personal segretario with a BIG picture of the 7COG dancers in their outfits into my hands.

"Oh yes", said the secretary, "Mr. Berlusconi will surely be interested in getting these fine young women out of prison..."

"Actually" said I, "They're already out of prison. Goober is still in there".

"Who is Goober?"

"He's a guy..."

Just like that - ZAP! - I found myself, in less than a blink of an eye, in the local piazza.

"... that loves making endless lists that start with Amon Dhuul..."

A couple of old crones, going to church, gave me a chilling stare of accusation. A small dog barked at me. A Mini Cooper conducted by a 16 years old, playing Lana del Rey at uncanny power, nearly turned me into roadkill.

I got my bearings back together, snarked, and got home. Had to play VT Remixed all afternoon to let the shock wear out.

So the political solution is a no no. But never fear. We Italians always have an ace up our sleeves. I already have another plan...

What's all white and lives in Rome? Yeah, you guessed right.

THE POPE!!!!!

[Lost In Xanadu]

So he's still sitting at 29999... is he trying to build anticipation??

 

Wake me when I should give a shit.

[Tombstone Mountain]

It's official: Italy has its own teleportation device, pretty much USS Enterprise kinda stuff.

And, it's located in President Berlusconi's office.

Today (it's 9 pm here right now) I called in a few favours and managed to get a hearing in Berlusconi's manor, which btw is very near where I live.

Knowing the Presidente's world famous love for female beauty, I got to his personal segretario with a BIG picture of the 7COG dancers in their outfits into my hands.

"Oh yes", said the secretary, "Mr. Berlusconi will surely be interested in getting these fine young women out of prison..."

"Actually" said I, "They're already out of prison. Goober is still in there".

"Who is Goober?"

"He's a guy..."

Just like that - ZAP! - I found myself, in less than a blink of an eye, in the local piazza.

"... that loves making endless lists that start with Amon Dhuul..."

A couple of old crones, going to church, gave me a chilling stare of accusation. A small dog barked at me. A Mini Cooper conducted by a 16 years old, playing Lana del Rey at uncanny power, nearly turned me into roadkill.

I got my bearings back together, snarked, and got home. Had to play VT Remixed all afternoon to let the shock wear out.

So the political solution is a no no. But never fear. We Italians always have an ace up our sleeves. I already have another plan...

What's all white and lives in Rome? Yeah, you guessed right.

THE POPE!!!!!

You Italian men. American women are putty in your hands. Do you have putty in Italy? If not then you will have no clue what I'm talking about. But who cares? You've got a pope!