The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Sweetmiracle]

Okay, this one really happened to my mother-in-law...

 

One day, she had an appointment with her dentist, a cheerful fifty-ish man. They got on the subject of occupations, and he happily said that he loved his work. "I hope I'm still doing this when I'm seventy!" he told her.

 

The next day she went to visit her gynecologist for a checkup. Somehow they got talking about various occupations also, and my mother-in-law told her about what her dentist had said the previous day.

 

The gynecologist blurted out, "Who would want to spend years and years staring into people's mouths!!!!

 

She then realized what she'd said, and they both cracked up....

[Slaine mac Roth]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

 

 

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said

"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride

who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

 

 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I

have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a

season.

 

One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry

and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he

neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's

edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the

magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at

the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

 

 

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

 

 

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

 

 

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a

couple of rounds into that beaver."

 

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[sundog]

QUOTE (Slaine mac Roth @ Jun 30 2005, 05:32 PM)

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[sundog]

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

 

Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

 

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."

 

 

[sundog]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

 

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

 

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

[barney_rebel]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jul 1 2005, 05:25 PM)

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

LMAO - what if the company was Domino's

[sundog]

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,

"What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two

plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught

them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

 

[DonnaWanna]

http://flashyflashes.com/publicflashfiles/...ick_James&id=46

 

[barney_rebel]

There was this chinese couple and they are making out.

 

The guy goes to the girl, "honey, want to do a 69?"

 

And she stops, looks confused and asks, "what do you mean 'honey, want to do a beef broccoli?'"...

[sundog]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a

mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a

tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother

smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little

voice:

 

"The big sissy"

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jul 4 2005, 08:38 PM)

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room" A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy"

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for coming.

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

 

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

 

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

 

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

 

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

 

[physics23]

How is it I've never looked in this thread before? I need the Heimlich meneuver after some of these jokes. Test, I keep having to wipe my screen after reading yours.

[Test4VitalSigns]

QUOTE (physics23 @ Jul 5 2005, 04:54 AM)

How is it I've never looked in this thread before? I need the Heimlich meneuver after some of these jokes. Test, I keep having to wipe my screen after reading yours.

Glad you likey

[Test4VitalSigns]

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

[physics23]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jun 29 2005, 07:26 AM)

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jun 29 2005, 08:07 AM) Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!       i would DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!           too freaking funny!!!!!!!!!! This one's going on my dorm building bulletin board.

[ladirushfan80]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place

her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of

underwear.

 

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?"

her husband demanded.

 

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

 

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,

"For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

 

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

 

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

 

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says,

"For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy some underwear!"

 

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.

The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too,

is naked under it.

 

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

 

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

 

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,

 

"Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.

Tidy yerself up a bit."

[callmejim]

"Ivor,Ivor.Why do the Hoover suck?"

"Because it has no teeth,Gwyneth."

[sundog]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The gas station attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting the golf star in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of his identity. "Top of the mornin' to you, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello," and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger. "Jaysus, sweet Mary and Joseph," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

 

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

 

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

 

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

 

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

 

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

 

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

 

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

 

"What's the matter?" he asks.

 

"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

 

He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"

 

She responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work today."

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

 

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

 

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

 

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

 

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

 

[sundog]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jul 10 2005, 09:56 AM)

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."