The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Show Don't Tell]

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

 

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

 

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

 

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

 

The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

 

[liquidcrystalcompass]

QUOTE (Show Don't Tell @ Jul 7 2009, 11:02 PM)

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?" The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

So true.

[Gompers]

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

 

The man's wife, hearing the Conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'

 

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

 

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to Believe all those dumb blonde jokes.

 

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

 

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

 

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

 

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[Gompers]

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too.

[liquidcrystalcompass]

QUOTE (Gompers @ Jul 9 2009, 02:58 PM)

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too.

[Rush Cocky]

QUOTE (Gompers @ Jul 9 2009, 03:58 PM)

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too.

 

Nice twist.

[The Big Money]

QUOTE (Gompers @ Jul 9 2009, 03:58 PM)

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too.

[turnthedoor]

Mickey filed for a divorce from Minnie.

So they are in court and the judge asks,

"So Mickey, why do you think Minnies crazy?"

Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy.I said she was

f***ing Goofy."

[Inthend]

Great blond joke, Gomps.

 

What the difference between Swine flu and Asian Bird flu?

 

For one you need a ointment and the other, a tweetment.

 

 

Where do i get these gems? from my mom, the Queen of Corny Jokes.

 

 

[Mara]

QUOTE (Inthend @ Jul 15 2009, 11:47 PM)

Great blond joke, Gomps. What the difference between Swine flu and Asian Bird flu? For one you need a ointment and the other, a tweetment. Where do i get these gems? from my mom, the Queen of Corny Jokes.

for Swine Flu, wouldn't that be "oinkment"???

[Inthend]

QUOTE (Mara @ Jul 15 2009, 11:02 PM)

QUOTE (Inthend @ Jul 15 2009, 11:47 PM) Great blond joke, Gomps.  What the difference between Swine flu and Asian Bird flu? For one you need a ointment and the other, a tweetment. Where do i get these gems? from my mom, the Queen of Corny Jokes. for Swine Flu, wouldn't that be "oinkment"??? You just can't let me have anything, can you!

[Gompers]

QUOTE (Mara @ Jul 16 2009, 12:02 AM)

QUOTE (Inthend @ Jul 15 2009, 11:47 PM) Great blond joke, Gomps.  What the difference between Swine flu and Asian Bird flu? For one you need a ointment and the other, a tweetment. Where do i get these gems? from my mom, the Queen of Corny Jokes. for Swine Flu, wouldn't that be "oinkment"???   Nice comeback!   (btw...I'm a fan of dumb jokes. Let 'em rip.)

[Rush Cocky]

Don't know if this has been posted yet or not:

 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party... As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

 

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

 

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Jillian.'

 

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,' Son... what happened last night?'

 

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

 

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

 

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

 

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

 

Hot Breakfast $4.20

 

Two Aspirins $.38

 

Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!

[Jaye]

QUOTE (Mara @ Jul 16 2009, 05:02 AM)

QUOTE (Inthend @ Jul 15 2009, 11:47 PM) Great blond joke, Gomps.  What the difference between Swine flu and Asian Bird flu? For one you need a ointment and the other, a tweetment. Where do i get these gems? from my mom, the Queen of Corny Jokes. for Swine Flu, wouldn't that be "oinkment"??? I HAVE to tell this one at work on Monday!

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Rush Cocky @ Jul 16 2009, 02:37 PM)

Don't know if this has been posted yet or not: Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party... As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Jillian.' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,' Son... what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!

[Show Don't Tell]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

 

"Why of course", comes the reply.

 

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

 

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

 

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

 

"Of Course", replies the second man.

 

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

 

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

 

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

 

"Of course", replies the second man.

 

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

 

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

 

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

 

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

 

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

 

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

 

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

 

"About 35," was the reply.

 

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

 

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

 

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

 

"I am actually 47."

 

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

 

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

 

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

 

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

 

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

 

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds.

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://i621.photobucket.com/albums/tt299/horndog3009/s6dba5659-4424-4564-8310-2864076e4d.jpg

[MULTIPLIED REACTION]

What are Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon and Suzanne Sommers getting for X-mas?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patrick Swayze

[sullysue]

Dan and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf

trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him..

 

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dan headed home

totally frustrated. The following week when Dan's buddies arrived at

the golf resort, they were shocked to see Dan sitting in the lobby,

drinking a beer, holding his putter!

 

"How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Dan?"

 

"I didn't have to," Dan replied. "Last night I slumped down

in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up

behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise..' When I peeled her

hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee

and said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can

do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM !"

[workingcinderellaman]

QUOTE (sullysue @ Aug 5 2009, 04:14 PM)

Dan and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him.. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dan headed home totally frustrated. The following week when Dan's buddies arrived at the golf resort, they were shocked to see Dan sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter! "How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Dan?" "I didn't have to," Dan replied. "Last night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise..' When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM !"

[Rush Cocky]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

 

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and she goes downstairs.

 

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

 

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"

[Rush Cocky]

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

 

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

 

[Rush Cocky]

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

 

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

 

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

 

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

 

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!'

[Rush Cocky]

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

 

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

 

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'

 

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

 

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

 

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.

 

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

 

The blonde replied........'Two popsicles and some coffee.'