The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Rolinda Bonz]

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/pic12529.jpg

 

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.

I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This photo is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington

[Rolinda Bonz]

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/eharmony.jpg

[*Limelight*]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Apr 26 2009, 12:20 AM)

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/eharmony.jpg

[liquidcrystalcompass]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Feb 27 2009, 10:45 PM)

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment. http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/pic12529.jpg After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note: Dear Ms. Davis, I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel. Mrs. Harrington

[The Big Money]

QUOTE (*Limelight* @ Apr 26 2009, 03:37 AM)

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Apr 26 2009, 12:20 AM) http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/eharmony.jpg

[ArrowSnake]

 

Did you know that Pinnochio loved birds?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes... He even had a woodpecker!

[Sark]

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two, but they have to be very small and very horny.

[Sark]

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Make me one with everything.

[Digital Man]

 

 

Thought I'd give this thread a bump as we've had a few one-off jokes each in their own threads.

[liquidcrystalcompass]

I'm PM'd this little gem of a limerick to someone yesterday. Enjoy.....

 

 

On the t*ts of a barmaid named Gayle,

 

Were tattooed prices of beer, stout, and Ale,

 

And on her behind,

 

For the sake of the blind,

 

Was precisely the same, but in Braille.

 

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (liquidcrystalcompass @ Jun 26 2009, 09:36 AM)

I'm PM'd this little gem of a limerick to someone yesterday.  Enjoy..... On the t*ts of a barmaid named Gayle, Were tattooed prices of beer, stout, and Ale, And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was precisely the same, but in Braille.

 

I heard this one on the radio...jeez has it been that long ago since 3/17?!??!

 

There was a young girl who begat

Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.

It was fun in the breeding

But hell in the feeding,

When she found there was no tit for Tat.

[southernjim]

There are two old women standing outside. Both are smoking cigarettes.

The first old woman says "Well, it's going to rain soon." So she pulls a condom out of her pocket, cuts the end off, and puts her cigarette in it.

The other old lady says "you're crazy. It is not going to rain..." and keeps smoking. it starts to rain, and the first old lady looks over and says "see? If you'd listened your cigarette wouldn't be soaked." So, the next day, the other little old lady goes into a gas station, and tells the teenager at the counter quietly that she wants to buy a box of condoms. The kid at the counter is trying to be delicate, and not embarrass the old woman, so he quietly replies "well, what kind do you want?" The old woman thinks for a moment, and says "Oh, I don't care, as long as it's big enough to fit a Camel."

The Cashier faints.

[Rush Cocky]

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Jun 26 2009, 09:41 AM)

Thought I'd give this thread a bump as we've had a few one-off jokes each in their own threads.

For some reason it takes a lot longer to load the 107 page thread.

[liquidcrystalcompass]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Jun 26 2009, 07:45 PM)

QUOTE (liquidcrystalcompass @ Jun 26 2009, 09:36 AM) I'm PM'd this little gem of a limerick to someone yesterday.  Enjoy..... On the t*ts of a barmaid named Gayle, Were tattooed prices of beer, stout, and Ale, And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was precisely the same, but in Braille.   I heard this one on the radio...jeez has it been that long ago since 3/17?!??!   There was a young girl who begat Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. It was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding, When she found there was no tit for Tat.

[Show Don't Tell]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We

find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

 

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer

magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They

had one son, Jack.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple

produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull

Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a

high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt

divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids

were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was

then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son

with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children,

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently

married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the

Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Horse.

 

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He

recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct

them.

 

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

 

[English Muffin]

QUOTE (Show Don't Tell @ Jun 28 2009, 05:12 AM)

WHO IS JACK SCHITT? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

Nice!

[Show Don't Tell]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

husband stalking around with a fly swatter

 

'What are you doing?'

She asked.

 

'Hunting Flies'

He responded.

 

'Oh. ! Killing any?'

She asked.

 

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

 

 

 

 

Intrigued, she asked.

'How can you tell them apart?'

 

He responded,

'3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.

 

[Show Don't Tell]

[Rush Cocky]

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

 

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

 

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

 

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?"

 

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough."

 

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How much do I cost?"

 

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

 

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"

 

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

 

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

 

And the Sunday Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

 

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

 

[Rush Cocky]

DA END BE NEAR!!

 

Reverend Brasseaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Larousse was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

 

 

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

 

 

"Da End be Near.

Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now

Afore It Be Too Late!"

 

 

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You damn religious nuts!'

 

 

And then from around the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and then silence....

 

 

Brasseaux turns to Larousse and asks,

 

 

 

 

'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

[liquidcrystalcompass]

QUOTE (Rush Cocky @ Jul 7 2009, 01:22 PM)

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.' BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough." DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?" JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?" TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" And the Sunday Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

"Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

[iluvgeddy05]

[Jaye]

QUOTE (Rush Cocky @ Jul 7 2009, 07:22 PM)

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough." JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

[The Big Money]

[nettiesaur]

QUOTE (Rush Cocky @ Jul 7 2009, 12:23 PM)

DA END BE NEAR!! Reverend Brasseaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Larousse was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: "Da End be Near. Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You damn religious nuts!' And then from around the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and then silence.... Brasseaux turns to Larousse and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'