Should I feel bad.?

[Saint NIck]

Hi Friends, here's the scenario; I live at home with Dad, he's 75, and not in the best of shape, much-less health. He had a mild stroke a few years ago, and could've gotten a whole lot of rehab to get back on track. He chose not to. Last summer he was walking the streets; now, he can barely walk. I'm sure there's some dementia going on as well. THANK GOD he stopped smoking about 6 months ago; and he hasn't drank any coffee for almost a month. I say that because I feared his process; forcing the plug into the outlet, then coming back later to heat the coffee from the gas stove; sometimes leaving the burner on; yes, forgetting to turn it off. I feel guilty for taking that away, out of sight, but I do that for pre-caution. My sisters & I are respecting how he wants to be; no medical help, just to be left how he is...I guess waiting for GOD to call him HOME. GOD called my Mom HOME almost 25 years ago. None of us know when our time will be. I keep thinking of Neil's line from "Armor & Sword" "...no one gets to their HEAVEN without a fight...". No, Dad's not dying; though his condition appears that way. Yet, he's not hurting anyone, and he's not breaking the law. Yet, my sisters, myself, & those who love him are emotionally hurt, and our hearts are broken. Should I feel bad.?

[blueschica]

Hi Friends, here's the scenario; I live at home with Dad, he's 75, and not in the best of shape, much-less health. He had a mild stroke a few years ago, and could've gotten a whole lot of rehab to get back on track. He chose not to. Last summer he was walking the streets; now, he can barely walk. I'm sure there's some dementia going on as well. THANK GOD he stopped smoking about 6 months ago; and he hasn't drank any coffee for almost a month. I say that because I feared his process; forcing the plug into the outlet, then coming back later to heat the coffee from the gas stove; sometimes leaving the burner on; yes, forgetting to turn it off. I feel guilty for taking that away, out of sight, but I do that for pre-caution. My sisters & I are respecting how he wants to be; no medical help, just to be left how he is...I guess waiting for GOD to call him HOME. GOD called my Mom HOME almost 25 years ago. None of us know when our time will be. I keep thinking of Neil's line from "Armor & Sword" "...no one gets to their HEAVEN without a fight...". No, Dad's not dying; though his condition appears that way. Yet, he's not hurting anyone, and he's not breaking the law. Yet, my sisters, myself, & those who love him are emotionally hurt, and our hearts are broken. Should I feel bad.?

 

((Hugs)) to you , Nick, you sound like a wonderful son. I'm not sure what you are asking you should feel bad about ?? From what you have written it sounds like you have done a really good job in difficult circumstances ; respecting your Dad's wishes about medical intervention and yet keeping him (and you, and your house) safe at the same time. If not smoking or having coffee anymore has to be part of what makes that work, well then it does, you can't help that.

 

And of course you and your sisters are going to feel emotionally down; I think seeing the aging of someone we have looked up to our whole lives is one of the more difficult stages of life. My husband (and I ) went through this when his mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers and then lived a number of years afterwards. It's OK to feel how you feel. Lean on your sisters and let them lean on you; it's good that you have siblings to share with.

 

Being a caretaker can be draining, though, please take care of yourself! If it gets to be a lot, check with your county Office of Aging. They should know about different support programs for caretakers, like respite caregivers that would come for a few hours to give you a break, or programs where your dad could go for a few hours a week to enjoy being with other seniors, etc.

 

Not sure if all this is what you were asking but maybe some of it will help. It's so hard when our parents age.

[Chicken hawk]

I commend you for having such patience. You are a good person, for caring !

[treeduck]

:cheers:

[Babycat]

[djflex]

No, you are being a good person imo

[The Analog Grownup]

No, I don't see any reason to.

[OldRUSHfan]

http://i.imgur.com/jqKU4cw.gif

[HemiBeers]

Both of my parents died from Alzheimers, but they were well into their 80s. So I empathize with your struggle and I commend your decision to let him choose his own course. Really your only obligation for your dad is to make it safe and comfortable for him. I'm definitely not a fan of medical science just trying to prolong the inevitable, especially against the wishes of the elderly.

 

You're doing the right thing. Hang in there.

[Principled Man]

Should I feel bad?

 

For what? Doing the best you can to let your father have dignity and self-respect during his dying days? For respecting his wishes? You are a model son.

 

I live with and take care of my 77-year old mother. She has zero interest in having her last days drawn out for no good reason. When her time comes, she wants to go out with dignity - on HER terms. That is what she is getting. There is no debate about it. :haz:

[JohnnyBlaze]

Saint Nick, I've always had a lot of respect for you. This adds to it.

You've got nothing to feel bad about IMHO.

[Lucas]

Hi Friends, here's the scenario; I live at home with Dad, he's 75, and not in the best of shape, much-less health. He had a mild stroke a few years ago, and could've gotten a whole lot of rehab to get back on track. He chose not to. Last summer he was walking the streets; now, he can barely walk. I'm sure there's some dementia going on as well. THANK GOD he stopped smoking about 6 months ago; and he hasn't drank any coffee for almost a month. I say that because I feared his process; forcing the plug into the outlet, then coming back later to heat the coffee from the gas stove; sometimes leaving the burner on; yes, forgetting to turn it off. I feel guilty for taking that away, out of sight, but I do that for pre-caution. My sisters & I are respecting how he wants to be; no medical help, just to be left how he is...I guess waiting for GOD to call him HOME. GOD called my Mom HOME almost 25 years ago. None of us know when our time will be. I keep thinking of Neil's line from "Armor & Sword" "...no one gets to their HEAVEN without a fight...". No, Dad's not dying; though his condition appears that way. Yet, he's not hurting anyone, and he's not breaking the law. Yet, my sisters, myself, & those who love him are emotionally hurt, and our hearts are broken. Should I feel bad.?

 

 

Your Dad sounds like a very strong and great person .. and you take after him

 

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

 

Saint Nick, I'm sure you are proud of your Dad, and you should be proud of yourself -- you are a fantastic person

[IwillchooseFreeWill]

You are one of the best sons in this kind of situation that I've ever heard of. It's hard watching your very much loved parents slip away, but that's what aging is like. I'm so impressed with you following your father's wishes. He probably wishes it would just be over and to not be a burden to you and your siblings. You're doing a great job. It's hard, but you have nothing to feel bad about.

[Lorraine]

Saint Nick, a hard lesson for all of us to learn - you can't control anyone. Most can't even control themselves and are their own worst enemy.

 

Unfortunately, what you are and have been throughout your life doesn't disappear when sickness visits in any shape or form. The stubborn don't miraculously become pliant; the pig-headed aren't miraculously reasonable and rational; the lazy do not suddenly become ambitious - "have to actually work and do therapy? can't take a pill for it? never mind then."

 

We all are going to die someday of something. If that's the way your father wants to go, there's nothing you can do. But continue to take precautions such as you have been. He may not care how he dies, but he doesn't have to endanger the rest of you.

Edited August 14, 2017 by Lorraine