Joke Of The Day

[Godot]

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 11 2011, 05:59 PM)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

I don't get it >.< damnit

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (Litehawk @ Mar 20 2011, 01:15 PM)

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 11 2011, 05:59 PM) A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question." I don't get it >.< damnit I'll explain it to ya, but I gotta see your ID first

[summer_sky]

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

 

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

 

There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes." . . . "Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"

[Jack Aubrey]

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Mar 20 2011, 03:02 PM)

QUOTE (Litehawk @ Mar 20 2011, 01:15 PM) QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 11 2011, 05:59 PM) A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question." I don't get it >.< damnit I'll explain it to ya, but I gotta see your ID first

[Good,bad,andrush]

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Mar 20 2011, 03:28 PM)

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes." . . . "Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"

[HuskyRunner]

Three women all worked in the same office, with the same female boss. Each day they noticed that the boss would leave work early. One day, the women decided, that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.

 

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, played with her son, and went to bed early.

 

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting her dinner date.

 

The blonde was happy to get home early to suprise her husband. But when she got to the bedroom,

she heard a muffled noise coming from inside.

Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door, and was mortified to see her boss in bed with her husband!

 

Gently she closed the door, and crept out of the house.

 

The next day the brunette and the redhead planned on leaving early again and asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

 

"NO WAY," the blonde exclaimed, " I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT YESTERDAY!!!"

[Alph Seeker]

A man comes home from fishing and his wife says: "How 'bout some supper, dear?"

 

He replies, "What are my options?"

 

 

 

 

She answers: "Yes or no."

[summer_sky]

[summer_sky]

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

 

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

 

George Carlin

[jkt2112]

So a guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep in tow. His wife is reading in bed.

 

He says, "See, this is the cow that I have to have sex with when you aren't in the mood!"

 

His wife snaps back, "You idiot, that's not a cow, that's a sheep."

 

He replies, "I was talking to the sheep!"

 

 

[Cygnus]

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/81445757.jpg

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 18 2011, 11:11 AM)

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/81445757.jpg

Cygnus

 

 

I don't get it. But, It's funny anyway

 

 

[Babycat]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 18 2011, 05:11 PM)

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/81445757.jpg

Chewy..!

[Good,bad,andrush]

QUOTE (jkt2112 @ Apr 6 2011, 07:28 PM)

So a guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep in tow. His wife is reading in bed. He says, "See, this is the cow that I have to have sex with when you aren't in the mood!" His wife snaps back, "You idiot, that's not a cow, that's a sheep." He replies, "I was talking to the sheep!"

that is hilarious.

[Babycat]

QUOTE (Good,bad,andrush @ Apr 18 2011, 05:55 PM)

QUOTE (jkt2112 @ Apr 6 2011, 07:28 PM) So a guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep in tow.  His wife is reading in bed. He says, "See, this is the cow that I have to have sex with when you aren't in the mood!" His wife snaps back, "You idiot, that's not a cow, that's a sheep." He replies, "I was talking to the sheep!" that is hilarious.

[Jaye]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

 

To get to the same side.

[BeOhBe Bob]

Two nerds were biking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first nerd nodded approvingly and said,

"Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[In A Tidewater Surge]

Why did the German cross the road?

 

Because it marked the Polish border

[HuskyRunner]

[ILSnwdog]

A guy has a little time to kill before departing for the airport, so he walks across the street from the hotel to a bar to get a beer. As he walks to the bar, he realizes there isn't a single woman in the establishment, and he realizes that he's in a gay bar. This doesn't bother the man because he just wants a beer, and doesn't feel that this is a threat to his masculinity.

 

When he gets to the bar, he orders a beer, and the bartender says "In order to get a beer here, you have to tell me the name of your penis."

 

The man says "well, I don't have a name for my penis. What's yours named?"

 

the bartender says "Nike. Just do it!"

 

A guy at one end of the bar says "Mine is named Ford. Have you driven a Ford lately?" Just then another guy pipes up and says "Mine is Snickers. Snickers satisfies!"

 

So the man looks at the bartender and says "Alright. Mine is Secret. Secret is strong enough for a man....but made for a woman."

 

[An Enemy Without]

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 25 2011, 09:20 AM)

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments" answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

That is brilliant

 

+1

[An Enemy Without]

QUOTE (In A Tidewater Surge @ May 8 2011, 06:27 PM)

Why did the German cross the road? Because it marked the Polish border

Find your own avatar and stop stealing everyone else's.

[An Enemy Without]

A famed anthropologist is studying the native peoples in some remote village. He is in a kayak with one of the natives, and he begins to hear a strange sound. As they get closer to their destination, he realizes what he is hearing is drums.

 

He asks his guide, "What are these drums?"

 

His guide responds, "Drums ok, but when they stop, very very bad."

 

So they keep rowing down the river and suddenly the drums stop playing. The anthropologist becomes scared and yells at the guide:

 

"The drums stopped! What happens now???"

 

The guide responds:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Bass solo."

[USB Connector]

http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/koma-comic-strip-kirk-is-a-jerk.jpg Edited May 18, 2011 by USB Connector

[In A Tidewater Surge]

QUOTE (An Enemy Without @ May 18 2011, 04:31 PM)

QUOTE (In A Tidewater Surge @ May 8 2011, 06:27 PM) Why did the German cross the road? Because it marked the Polish border Find your own avatar and stop stealing everyone else's. Find your own forum and stop using everyone else's