The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Pags]

note: I just found this in an old email while cleaning out my folders. I hope I have not posted this before - but it's great!!

 

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the

country:

 

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're

new... they'll stretch out after you wear them

awhile."

 

"Take your hands off the car... or I'll make your

birth certificate a worthless document."

 

"If you run... you'll only go to jail tired."

 

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In

case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a

9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

 

"So you don't know how fast you were going... I guess

that means I can write anything I want on the

ticket, huh?"

 

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,

but I don't think it will help. Oh.... did I mention

that I am the shift supervisor?"

 

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you

not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

 

"The answer to this last question will determine

whether you are drunk or not... was Mickey Mouse a

cat or a dog?"

 

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a

place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton

candy, and step in monkey poop."

 

"Yeah, we have a quota... two more tickets and my

wife gets a toaster oven."

 

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

 

"Just how big were those two beers?"

 

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore... we used to

have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many

tickets as we want."

 

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good

personal friend of yours... at least you know

someone who can post your bail."

 

And the best one:

 

"You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets?

You're right, we don't... sign here."

[Maddy]

QUOTE (paganoman @ Jan 18 2007, 09:35 AM)

note: I just found this in an old email while cleaning out my folders. I hope I have not posted this before - but it's great!! The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country: "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new... they'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "Take your hands off the car... or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run... you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." "So you don't know how fast you were going... I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh.... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not... was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop." "Yeah, we have a quota... two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." "Just how big were those two beers?" "No sir we don't have quotas anymore... we used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours... at least you know someone who can post your bail." And the best one: "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... sign here."

 

And the last one - that's pretty much the definition of "owned...."

[failte]

QUOTE (Maddy @ Jan 18 2007, 09:57 AM)

QUOTE (paganoman @ Jan 18 2007, 09:35 AM) note:  I just found this in an old email while cleaning out my folders.  I hope I have not posted this before - but it's great!! The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country: "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new... they'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "Take your hands off the car... or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run... you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." "So you don't know how fast you were going... I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh.... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not... was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop." "Yeah, we have a quota... two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." "Just how big were those two beers?" "No sir we don't have quotas anymore... we used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours... at least you know someone who can post your bail." And the best one: "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... sign here."   And the last one - that's pretty much the definition of "owned...." those are great!!

[ladirushfan80]

 

Quickie # 1

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

 

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

 

 

Quickie #2

 

A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and

ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her

lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

 

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

 

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

 

 

Quickie # 3

 

 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,

 

and the other is a husband.

 

 

Quickie #4

 

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's

license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The

optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

 

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

 

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

 

Quickie #5

 

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

 

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

 

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of

chardonnay."

 

 

Quickie #6

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my

GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM

NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE

BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

 

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me

when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt

them. Use the salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

 

Quickie #7

 

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

 

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

 

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

 

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army

has been looking for Herman for 51 years

[Cygnus]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/ecc0d800597f6420ccf8e04e310a690e9e1.gif

[blonde77th]

Funny

[Rolinda Bonz]

i soooo needed that! thanks, you guys are the bestest!

[Cygnus]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

 

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

 

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

 

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave the money to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

 

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

 

The following night the man was there again.

 

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

 

The man replied, "South Carolina."

 

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

 

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

 

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

 

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

 

[ladirushfan80]

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

 

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 

The note read:

 

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

 

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

 

It read:

 

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back!!!"

[ladirushfan80]

Tequila!

 

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle pops out a Genie.

 

The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish...anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."

Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

 

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear.

Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila.

So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

 

The Mexican yells to his wife,"Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

 

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

 

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all

night.

 

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The Tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

 

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."

 

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

 

Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle."

 

Arriba!!!!

[failte]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 25 2007, 06:59 PM)

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!!!"

[failte]

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (failte @ Jan 25 2007, 07:01 PM)

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 25 2007, 06:59 PM) A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!!!"

[owlswing]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Jan 25 2007, 07:28 PM)

QUOTE (failte @ Jan 25 2007, 07:01 PM) QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 25 2007, 06:59 PM) A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!!!"

[CeeJ]

QUOTE (owlswing @ Jan 25 2007, 08:57 PM)

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Jan 25 2007, 07:28 PM) QUOTE (failte @ Jan 25 2007, 07:01 PM) QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 25 2007, 06:59 PM) A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!!!"

[CeeJ]

Smoking Protection

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

 

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

 

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

 

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

 

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

 

The pharmacist fainted.

 

 

 

[Pags]

QUOTE (CeeJ @ Jan 26 2007, 12:25 PM)

Smoking Protection Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

[Pags]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

 

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

 

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

 

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

 

'But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

 

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist

 

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

 

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

 

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[Daylin]

QUOTE (paganoman @ Jan 26 2007, 02:09 PM)

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any" 'But I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[sundog]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

 

husband walking around with a fly swatter.

 

"What are you doing?" She asked.

 

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

 

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

 

 

 

Intrigued, she asked.

 

"How can you tell them apart?"

 

 

 

He responded,

 

"3 were on a beer can,

 

2 were on the phone."

 

 

 

 

[mortkort]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jan 27 2007, 07:42 PM)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband walking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Daylin]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jan 27 2007, 12:42 PM)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband walking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[wayshway]

Why do Tweakers (Speed addicts) do it Doggy Style?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So they can both look out the window.

[sundog]

Ring ring, Ring ring.....

 

"Hello?"

 

"Hi honey. This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

 

 

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom

with Uncle Paul."

 

After a brief pause,

 

Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

 

 

" Oh yes I do,

and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,

right now ."

 

Brief Pause.

 

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table,

run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door

and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car

just pulled into the driveway."

 

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

 

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

 

"I did it Daddy."

 

"And what happened honey?"

he asked.

 

" Well, Mommy got all scared,

jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser

and now she isn't moving at all!"

 

 

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

 

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window

and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water

last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

 

 

***Long Pause***

 

 

***Longer Pause***

 

 

***Even Longer Pause***

 

 

Then Daddy says,

 

"Swimming pool? . . .

 

Is this

486-5731?"

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jan 29 2007, 07:37 PM)

Ring ring, Ring ring..... "Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." " Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now ." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. " Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?"