The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Cygnus]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

 

'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

 

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

 

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

[Chasartymac]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 13 2004, 07:02 PM)

This is a bricklayer's accident report Dear Sir; I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 ...................................................

Have you heard of Gerard Hoffnung?

 

 

[barney_rebel]

How did Santa Claus die?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He pulled the wrong sac over his shoulder.

[Slaine mac Roth]

QUOTE (barney_rebel @ Dec 13 2004, 08:01 PM)

How did Santa Claus die? He pulled the wrong sac over his shoulder.

ouch!!!

[Drumnut]

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

 

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

 

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

 

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Dec 14 2004, 12:13 AM)

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." "Yes, but are you good in bed?" "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

How soon can you start?

[DonnaWanna]

http://img15.exs.cx/img15/9157/XmasSuit.jpg

[DonnaWanna]

http://img15.exs.cx/img15/8963/catching_snowflakes_2.jpg

[Cygnus]

http://caglecartoons.com/images/preview/%7B973BD162-1F71-487A-B223-58AB4811E9A0%7D.gif

[Drumnut]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

 

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

 

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[Drumnut]

Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young couple.

 

The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to abstain from having sex for two weeks."

 

"No problem," said all three couples.

 

Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.

 

"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

 

The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

 

Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."

 

The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in this church, don't you?"

 

The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home Depot anymore, either."

[Drumnut]

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

 

Dear Thomas,

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

 

Maria

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Thomas,

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,

 

Maria

Edited December 17, 2004 by Drumnut

[Jack Aubrey]

I hate it when people just forward warnings as much as anyone, but this

one is important! I don't know if this is just a South Carolina thing or not. In fact, I've been told that it's been happening in Minnesota, and Michigan also.

 

You should be aware of this Scam, send this warning to everyone on your

e-mail list!

 

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey

on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, DO

NOT DO IT! IT IS A SCAM! They only want to see you naked.

 

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now ...

Edited December 17, 2004 by Jack Aubrey

[Jack Aubrey]

Have you heard about the insomniac-agnostic-dyslexic guy?

 

He laid in bed all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

[Jack Aubrey]

Ten Things Men Know For Sure About Women.

 

1.

 

2.

 

3.

 

4.

 

5.

 

6.

 

7.

 

8.

 

9.

 

10. They have boobies.

 

[Jack Aubrey]

[madra sneachta]

QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ Dec 17 2004, 04:47 PM)

Have you heard about the insomniac-agnostic-dyslexic guy? He laid in bed all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

I've posted this one before, but it seems seasonally appropriate -

 

Jack, you're no doubt aware that the agnostic dyslexic guy eventually decided to test out all forms of religious and spirtitual belief, up to and including devil worship, so he sold his soul to Santa

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ Dec 17 2004, 08:48 AM)

Ten Things Men Know For Sure About Women. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have boobies.

http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif ....WOOHOO!!!http://www.websmileys.com/sm/obscene/eck02.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif

[Chasartymac]

I know I've posted this before but I just saw it again and started laughing again, so, here it is again.

 

Winner of the "Not My Job Award"

 

 

 

 

http://img33.exs.cx/img33/4787/Notmyjob_161.jpg

[Milton Bridge]

Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience,and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

 

Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, what can I do for you? " Dopey asks, " Excuse me, Your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

 

 

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

 

Dopey turns back and says," Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, " I'm sorry my son, there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

 

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting.....

"Dopey sh*gged a penguin! Dopey sh*gged a penguin!"

 

 

 

[Drumnut]

http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif Please don't mind if I steal this one Milton!!! http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (Milton Bridge @ Dec 17 2004, 02:29 PM)

Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience,and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, what can I do for you? " Dopey asks, " Excuse me, Your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says," Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, " I'm sorry my son, there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting..... "Dopey sh*gged a penguin! Dopey sh*gged a penguin!"

http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif This one!!! http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif

[Trance]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Dec 17 2004, 08:51 PM)

QUOTE (Milton Bridge @ Dec 17 2004, 02:29 PM) Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience,and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son,"  says the Pope, what can I do for you? " Dopey asks,  " Excuse me, Your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers,  "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."  This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says," Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, " I'm sorry my son,  there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting..... "Dopey sh*gged a penguin! Dopey sh*gged a penguin!" http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif This one!!! http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/new_thumbsupsmileyanim.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/rofl3.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/rofl3.gif

[Drumnut]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

 

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

 

"What does that tell you?"

 

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

 

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

 

 

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ Dec 17 2004, 11:48 AM)

Ten Things Men Know For Sure About Women. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have boobies.

Umm........ and they smell nice. http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/wub.gif