OH MY GED! Have you ever...

[Rushchick10]

For those of you who are married, or have a serious significant other, have you ever been so pissed that you wanted to pack your shit and leave? If so, what stopped you? Or, did you leave? I am at that point in my marriage, and I am grasping at straws here! HELP!!!

[afurrything]

I've been married nearly 12 years. Been with said hubby off and on since 1986. Our oldest child is 22.

How we haven't killed each other yet I'm not really sure. Seriously.

Why are we still together? We can barely afford one household, no way we could afford two.

We really live as room mates for the most part. It's not like we fight or argue 24/7, we don't. And I won't say I don't love him because I will always love him, I'm not in love with him any more.

If I ever won the lottery he knows I have plans of buying 20+ acres somewhere up north in the US and hiding from the world. He is actually welcome to join me and the kids but him not wanting to come is not going to stop me from going.

In many many ways he is my best friend and will always be. We've had 8 kids together. We lost one child at age 3. We have been through a lifetime and more together already. I think if we ever do split up he would be the first one I call when I have a problem.

But yep many times I have wanted to just grab my purse and go. And a few times I've packed his shit and said get out. We work it out.

[Rushchick10]

Well, my husband and I have been together for over 7 years (married 5 of those) and we definitely have a relationship that needs CONSTANT work! I know, I know, all relationships need that, but lately I have a hard time even being around him or letting him touch me. I've also picked up a nasty habit that helps me not deal with the problems we have. I'm not blaming him for anything completely. Not at all. I know I am not an easy person to live with, for sure. I just feel so completely trapped lately, and I just want to scream!

 

I am glad to see that someone can make something like that work, but I don't want to live that way. I guess I want to WANT to be with the guy I am married to, if that makes sense?

 

Oh well...at least I have a nice distraction in the Rush concerts that are coming up for me in the next week or so. "Oh, Salvation!"

Edited August 4, 2010 by Rushchick10

[TullSkull]

How long do we weather out the stormy evenings?

I have many times longed to slam the front door and drive away into the setting sun....

 

Been together 20 years now and the seas have been rough.

At times not sure why I hold on other then at 56 years old I really don't want to start over. Right now she has been gone 6 months as we are/were trying to save her grandkids from foster care cause her 32 year old is being a jerk. I am holding down two house holds right now.

 

A lot of what holds me is the fact that her family is a lot of self-centered jerks and me and my sister is all she really has, she has disowned her mom and sister after her dads death and now she is going to disown her son too as he has hurt her deep.

 

Too I guess to lose this land we have would be hard to do and that has held me back also, I got 40 acres on the river in SW Colo.

 

But YES there have been many times I have wanted to end it but I just keep holding on.

 

We don't fight really just so much that seems to be different between us now, where so much was the same. The Fibromyalgia don't help either, I guess that too has held me back, she has been very sick for many years now and any one that know what Fibromyalgia is can relate.

 

Every winter I try to get out of here for 2 weeks and go ski Salmon or McCall Idaho, get away from my mountain here and her.

 

But to feel completely trapped and want to scream is a hard place to be, I was there a while back but all this crap in her family the last 3 years has covered that and help hold me back.

 

Marriage takes 125% at times cause the other half is only putting out 75%

 

If you need an ear to rant too and talk let me know... I'm open... and at times could use a good rant too....

[Janie]

QUOTE (Rushchick10 @ Aug 3 2010, 08:32 PM)

For those of you who are married, or have a serious significant other, have you ever been so pissed that you wanted to pack your shit and leave? If so, what stopped you? Or, did you leave? I am at that point in my marriage, and I am grasping at straws here! HELP!!!

If you're grasping at straws to keep the marriage together then I think you have to ask yourself if you truly want to stay. If the answer is yes, then work on what needs to be worked on. If the answer is no, then it's time to leave. But be honest with yourself. Confront the issues and determine if they can be worked through.

 

I think every married person (whether they admit it or not) hits a rough point.

[Janie]

QUOTE (TullSkull @ Aug 4 2010, 05:01 AM)

Been together 20 years now and the seas have been rough. At times not sure why I hold on other then at 56 years old I really don't want to start over. A lot of what holds me is the fact that her family is a lot of self-centered jerks and me and my sister is all she really has, she has disowned her mom and sister after her dads death and now she is going to disown her son too as he has hurt her deep. But YES there have been many times I have wanted to end it but I just keep holding on.

I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries but I wanted to address a few things in your comment.

 

IMO, it's never to late to start over. Fifty-six is a good age. Any age is a good age. You can date a bit, fall in love, no one says you need to get a wife right away and go through the marriage motions all over again. It may be a good time to rediscover who you are and be honest with where you're at right now.

 

It's great to stay by her side but sometimes when it comes to family issues, it's best to let her deal with her own family issues. She needs to work through whatever it is from her past that, and again, IMO, that shouldn't fall on your shoulders.

[Mara]

I came very close to that not so long ago. We were constantly arguing about - you guessed it - money. My husband is a tennis pro (teaches) and absolutely REFUSED to do anything outside of his chosen field. I brought in a good 75% of the household income - and I am by no means in that upper 3% of earners. We scraped to get by and had to borrow money from family on a couple of occasions. He also sucked as far as helping out around the house.

 

Long story short - things did work out for him as far as his profession - he landed a job as the director of a large tennis facility. And he's MUCH better with housework. (I truly don't mind doing the bulk of it now that he's busy working. My hours are somewhat more stable and I'm home a lot more, whereas he's often teaching until 10pm. My only request is that he make an effort to not create needless extra work - i.e., pick up after yourself, and DON'T bring home a week's worth of nasty sweaty tennis gear you've let fester in your office all week!)

 

Counseling would be my suggestion. We're going - even though things have improved, I'm not stupid enough to think that suddenly everything is perfect just because we're no longer scrounging in the couch cushions for gas money. Everyone I know who's put the time and effort into a GOOD marriage counselor is glad they did it.

[realomind]

I am seperated from my husband, we'll have been apart with absolutely no contact for a year on august 10th (i remember that day well, unfortunately).

 

It's way too long and complicated a story to fully tell here, so I'm sure what I do say will cause more questions than answers.

 

My husband is american (i'm from scotland), we got married in the USA just over 4 years ago, I moved out there so we could be together and between the nightmare that is immigration, not being able to work, relationship stuff, being homesick, financial problems and his depression it wasn't an easy time. Over time things got worse, his depression was getting the better of him (and those of you in the USA know how the healthcare system is), he wasn't getting the treatment and medication he needed and of course he thought he was fine. Added to that the increased irrationality, paranoia, possessivness. Ultimately he snapped one night, I was in the kitchen with my back to the door, next thing I know I feel this almighty blow to my head, turn around and he's standing there brandishing a claw hammer. (I'm lucky I didn't lose conciousness...thanks to that tough scottish skull )

 

We tussle a bit and I take off, the police get called, he gets arrested and then begins another long chapter i'll leave out here.

 

The upshot is, he was the sole reason I wanted to be out there, so I had no choice but to go home, I wanted to be away from him for safety and needed to be with my family. The kicker is, thanks to the ridiculous amount of time it takes to sort out immigration procedures (I was this close to finally getting the green card), because of what had happened I had to leave before I got it and as a result (as far as I am aware) that's me now banned from the US for the next ten years.

 

I don't even know where to begin in terms of divorce, with both parties being in different countries and the financial aspect. I certainly have grounds to but I just can't deal with that for now, so he still has a hold over me to an extent. The main thing is i'm alive and back home (albeit still with a nasty lump/dent on my head a year later)

 

I wanted to make things work, I tried my hardest, and I know it wasn't easy for either of us, I never cheated despite his paranoid accusations and after what happened there was no way I could hang around and risk anything else.

 

The s.o.b was a Rush fan too!

 

 

[ridertoo98]

Sorry for the pain you guys are going through,been there myself. Marriage died,= no honest comm. GF before the one I have now same grew apart =poor comm. Now I have the best one ever. Comm is very good, we have worked out large problems in the past year and its unreal now were we are. Talking is a major key ,not fighting and stuff like that. Talking and really hearing the other is a must. Sometimes ,like posted befor eit may be time to go,but as a fixer guy I will work till it is done or fixed. It comes down to what you want, plane a simple. If the other doesnt want or wont work together you can not fix it. Today its harder I think to keep a good relationship going when it get tough, too easy to say bye. The mind set isnt the same today.I have taken responsiblity for the failing of the past and have worked on myself to keep them from causing problems now. It is hard work at times and is a everyday thing.

No I am not some super guy just one that wants a good relationship for a change. Sucks when it is onesided.And yes my ear is open too.

[afurrything]

I think our big problem was we grew apart when we had our twins. One of them was very special needs. She had severe disabilities. So all of our time was devoted to her. Where we would usually sit and watch tv together at night or playing a game or something, that time was spent doing therapy with her or doing her meds. She couldn't sleep laying down so the hubby slept in the recliner with her on his chest, so we stopped sleeping together.

That was nearly 4 years of our lives we spent like that.

She passed away on 12/31/08 and as I keep telling everyone we can't just go back to how it was before her. It took almost 4 years to grow apart it might take longer to grow back together, if we even do.

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (TullSkull @ Aug 4 2010, 05:01 AM)

How long do we weather out the stormy evenings? I have many times longed to slam the front door and drive away into the setting sun....

good posting, skully.

that's exactly what came to mind when i heard read this post.

 

hang in there, rushchickie.

 

nobody ever said it was going to be easy.

i mean, unless this guy is hitting you in the head with a hammer. ( realomind)

 

there are a lot of hills and valleys in marriage, but you gotta stick to your word.

 

"to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

 

if you can't make a vow and fulfill it, then what good is your word?

and how can you respect yourself, if your word is no good?

 

i know, i know, you never anticipated him acting like such an ASS.

but you should stick to YOUR end of the bargain.

 

when you have praise to offer, take it to him.

when you have complaints or confusion, take it to God.

its MUCH more effective.

i didn't know that before, but i know it now.

 

in arguments, avoid using the D word (divorce).

not for his sake, but for yours.

this is the Long Haul, for both of you.

look at it as a temporary, tough time, and that's all it will be.

focus on your future together,,,even if you have to imagine it a year from now after this current situation is a distant memory.

[tkdryan]

I am sorry to red these posts. i have never been married,but i think i can still relate. I personally believe it sometimes is hard to walk away because we dont want to hurt the persons feelings. Every break up i have gone through ended up hurting. No matter what is said, it does not get easier to leave someone because you made a commitment to that person. I just turned 31 and im starting to wonder if she is out there.

 

Those of you going to see the therapists is a good first step.

 

I hope you all find what you are looking for

[Queen of Megadon]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Aug 7 2010, 11:46 PM)

QUOTE (TullSkull @ Aug 4 2010, 05:01 AM) How long do we weather out the stormy evenings? I have many times longed to slam the front door and drive away into the setting sun.... good posting, skully. that's exactly what came to mind when i heard read this post.   hang in there, rushchickie.   nobody ever said it was going to be easy. i mean, unless this guy is hitting you in the head with a hammer. ( realomind)   there are a lot of hills and valleys in marriage, but you gotta stick to your word.   "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."   if you can't make a vow and fulfill it, then what good is your word? and how can you respect yourself, if your word is no good?   i know, i know, you never anticipated him acting like such an ASS. but you should stick to YOUR end of the bargain.   when you have praise to offer, take it to him. when you have complaints or confusion, take it to God. its MUCH more effective. i didn't know that before, but i know it now.   in arguments, avoid using the D word (divorce). not for his sake, but for yours. this is the Long Haul, for both of you. look at it as a temporary, tough time, and that's all it will be. focus on your future together,,,even if you have to imagine it a year from now after this current situation is a distant memory. that's beautiful stuff RB...thanks for posting.

[ridertoo98]

RB nice post well thought out. The willingness to see farther down the road and what could be is sadly lost in todays times.

[Rushchick10]

QUOTE (Queen of Megadon @ Aug 8 2010, 09:07 PM)

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Aug 7 2010, 11:46 PM) QUOTE (TullSkull @ Aug 4 2010, 05:01 AM) How long do we weather out the stormy evenings? I have many times longed to slam the front door and drive away into the setting sun.... good posting, skully. that's exactly what came to mind when i heard read this post.   hang in there, rushchickie.   nobody ever said it was going to be easy. i mean, unless this guy is hitting you in the head with a hammer. ( realomind)   there are a lot of hills and valleys in marriage, but you gotta stick to your word.   "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."   if you can't make a vow and fulfill it, then what good is your word? and how can you respect yourself, if your word is no good?   i know, i know, you never anticipated him acting like such an ASS. but you should stick to YOUR end of the bargain.   when you have praise to offer, take it to him. when you have complaints or confusion, take it to God. its MUCH more effective. i didn't know that before, but i know it now.   in arguments, avoid using the D word (divorce). not for his sake, but for yours. this is the Long Haul, for both of you. look at it as a temporary, tough time, and that's all it will be. focus on your future together,,,even if you have to imagine it a year from now after this current situation is a distant memory. that's beautiful stuff RB...thanks for posting. Well, if this was just a one time thing, or if this was the first time I had felt that way, I would probably agree. But, truth be told, we probably should have never gotten married. We have fought like this pretty much since we started seeing each other. I'm his forth wife...that should have told me something.   I had suggested a counselor a while back and he refused to go (he said something like I was the one who needed counseling, not him). Now, he is willing, but I feel like I am past that point. Right this moment, we aren't fighting, but it can change in an instant! I mean, we went to the Rush concert on Thursday, had an AWESOME time, and in the parking lot, he took something I said completely wrong, and blew up! Almost ruined my night! I wanted to open the door and push him out.   Anyways, the two reasons that I have for not leaving is the commitment I made and my son. My husband is not his father (past relationship), but they are very very close. I would hate to take that away from my Lil' Lerxst because his father is almost completely absent.

[Mara]

QUOTE (Rushchick10 @ Aug 9 2010, 08:32 AM)

QUOTE (Queen of Megadon @ Aug 8 2010, 09:07 PM) QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Aug 7 2010, 11:46 PM) QUOTE (TullSkull @ Aug 4 2010, 05:01 AM) How long do we weather out the stormy evenings? I have many times longed to slam the front door and drive away into the setting sun.... good posting, skully. that's exactly what came to mind when i heard read this post.   hang in there, rushchickie.   nobody ever said it was going to be easy. i mean, unless this guy is hitting you in the head with a hammer. ( realomind)   there are a lot of hills and valleys in marriage, but you gotta stick to your word.   "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."   if you can't make a vow and fulfill it, then what good is your word? and how can you respect yourself, if your word is no good?   i know, i know, you never anticipated him acting like such an ASS. but you should stick to YOUR end of the bargain.   when you have praise to offer, take it to him. when you have complaints or confusion, take it to God. its MUCH more effective. i didn't know that before, but i know it now.   in arguments, avoid using the D word (divorce). not for his sake, but for yours. this is the Long Haul, for both of you. look at it as a temporary, tough time, and that's all it will be. focus on your future together,,,even if you have to imagine it a year from now after this current situation is a distant memory. that's beautiful stuff RB...thanks for posting. Well, if this was just a one time thing, or if this was the first time I had felt that way, I would probably agree. But, truth be told, we probably should have never gotten married. We have fought like this pretty much since we started seeing each other. I'm his forth wife...that should have told me something.   I had suggested a counselor a while back and he refused to go (he said something like I was the one who needed counseling, not him). Now, he is willing, but I feel like I am past that point. Right this moment, we aren't fighting, but it can change in an instant! I mean, we went to the Rush concert on Thursday, had an AWESOME time, and in the parking lot, he took something I said completely wrong, and blew up! Almost ruined my night! I wanted to open the door and push him out.   Anyways, the two reasons that I have for not leaving is the commitment I made and my son. My husband is not his father (past relationship), but they are very very close. I would hate to take that away from my Lil' Lerxst because his father is almost completely absent. BECAUSE your son has a great relationship with his stepdad is a perfect reason to try counseling. Even if you don't think you're open to it. You may be surprised at the outcome (pleasantly so). If one of the main problems is a gap in communication styles (very common between the sexes!), that can be worked out.   Thinking you can stay together and just gut it out for the sake of your son won't work. You can't hide it from him. The kids pick up on it. Quickly - you can't live with and rely on two people without noticing the friction between them, no matter how rosy a picture they try to paint.

[Tick]

First off, search your heart and remember why you loved your spouse to begin with. Ask yourself if what is wrong can be made right with a lot of effort?

Recognize, and realize that making a commitment to spend your entire life with one person is hard shit indeed. If takes constant effort and renewal.

There is not a married couple on the planet that does not have times they question if they made the right choice in getting married. It is hard work!

Ask yourself if you would feel better off without your spouse in your life forever. Does that thought make you a little sad. If it does, there is hope. If it doesn't, you may be in real trouble.

I can only speak for myself but, I will be married 15 years next month, and it has some rough times, and some where you don't know if you will make it the distance.

Then I remember how much I love my wife, and know I don't want a new life without her.

No one on the planet knows your heart. Only you know what you feel. I will say this, you will never find anyone to spend your life with that will be an easy ride. That is totally unrealistic.

I am a romantic, and a believer in getting married once, and giving it your all, even though my actions sometimes as a husband would paint that last sentence quite hypocritical because I can be tough to live with at times.

Their are no perfect people and no perfect marriages.

I hope it works out for the best for you. Whatever that best is.

Edited August 9, 2010 by tick

[EmotionDetector]

QUOTE (tick @ Aug 9 2010, 06:52 PM)

First off, search your heart and remember why you loved your spouse to begin with. Ask yourself if what is wrong can be made right with a lot of effort? Recognize, and realize that making a commitment to spend your entire life with one person is hard shit indeed. If takes constant effort and renewal. There is not a married couple on the planet that does not have times they question if they made the right choice in getting married. It is hard work! Ask yourself if you would feel better off without your spouse in your life forever. Does that thought make you a little sad. If it does, there is hope. If it doesn't, you may be in real trouble. I can only speak for myself but, I will be married 15 years next month, and it has some rough times, and some where you don't know if you will make it the distance. Then I remember how much I love my wife, and know I don't want a new life without her. No one on the planet knows your heart. Only you know what you feel. I will say this, you will never find anyone to spend your life with that will be an easy ride. That is totally unrealistic. I am a romantic, and a believer in getting married once, and giving it your all, even though my actions sometimes as a husband would paint that last sentence quite hypocritical because I can be tough to live with at times. Their are no perfect people and no perfect marriages. I hope it works out for the best for you. Whatever that best is.

 

Definitely Tick is bang-on. I mean, I am not really the one to ask as I have only been married less than 2 months now!

 

But I definitely believe in everything that Tick mentioned above. My understanding is that marriage has always been hard work (for both people), and you just need to look in your heart and figure out how you really feel about your marriage together.

 

Good luck on everything!