The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (sundog @ Apr 20 2007, 05:57 PM)

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Rolinda Bonz]

"A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

 

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a

year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."

 

 

[ladirushfan80]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?

[sundog]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Apr 30 2007, 08:02 AM)

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?

^^^^

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

 

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

 

Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump."

 

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

 

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

 

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

 

Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

 

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

 

Homer took the money.

 

 

[blonde77th]

[Cygnus]

>> ACTUAL WRITINGS from hospital charts:

>>

>> 1. The patient refused autopsy.

>> 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

>> 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

>> 4. Patient recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when

>> given an enema by mistake.

>> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

>> 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it

>> disappeared.

>> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears be

>> depressed.

>> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

>> 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

>> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but

>> forgetful.

>> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

>> 12. She is numb from her toes down.

>> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

>> 14. The skin was moist and dry.

>> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

>> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

>> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

>> 18. She stated she had been constipated until she got a divorce.

>> 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

>> therapy.

>> 20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

>> 21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

>> 22. Skin: somewhat pale but present

>> 23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

[sundog]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ May 9 2007, 08:39 AM)

23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

This just hits home!

 

 

 

edit to say: I only have 1 teenager, but I can relate

Edited May 9, 2007 by sundog

[Xdrive]

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y47/Xdrive/transferpatient.jpg

 

[liquidcrystalcompass]

> > >Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

> > >One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll

give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you...

> > >The girl looked at him, then said, 'NO.'

> > >Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you

bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

> > >She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her

boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.

> > >Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the

proposal.

> > >Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his

girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks

what happened....?

> > >Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The s.o.b. had all

quarters!'

 

> > >Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's

entirety before agreeing to it or you might get screwed!!

 

 

 

 

[BackStagePass]

Next time you are in bed with your wife/girlfriend. Tell her you would like to try a new sexual position called 'Rodeo'.

 

Get her to go into the doggy position and enter her and do a couple thrusts, then say something to really piss her off like 'God your ass looks fat' or 'Your sister was tighter than this last week'.

 

Then...see how long you can stay on for!

[blonde77th]

[ladirushfan80]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees

this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

 

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner

Brown."

 

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

 

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy

says: "What's wrong with you?"

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

 

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give

you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'M 7 feet

tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh

3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

 

The small guy says: "Turner Brown, Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

"Turn around."

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ May 9 2007, 04:39 AM)

>> ACTUAL WRITINGS from hospital charts: >> >> 1. The patient refused autopsy. >> 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. >> 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. >> 4. Patient recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when >> given an enema by mistake. >> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. >> 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it >> disappeared. >> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears be >> depressed. >> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. >> 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. >> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but >> forgetful. >> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. >> 12. She is numb from her toes down. >> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. >> 14. The skin was moist and dry. >> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. >> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. >> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. >> 18. She stated she had been constipated until she got a divorce. >> 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical >> therapy. >> 20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. >> 21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. >> 22. Skin: somewhat pale but present >> 23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

[Test4VitalSigns]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing worn out flip-flops exposing her cracked heels and filthy toenails.

 

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

 

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

 

The woman stops screaming long enough to say,

 

"Hell no they ain't!The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins?

 

Do you really think they look alike?"

 

"No," replies the greeter, "But I just find it hard to believe that someone had sex with you twice."

[Test4VitalSigns]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

 

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

 

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

 

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

 

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

 

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick ".

[Maddy]

As everyone probably knows, Jerry Falwell died last week. While Saint Peter was checking his credentials at the Golden Gates, a lovely young woman in a miniskirt walked up and interrupted with, "Hey Pete, howya doin'?" Saint Peter immediately dropped everything and left the Reverend to wait for well over an hour while he got the newcomer settled in. Well, Falwell was rather irate about this and demanded to know why this snippy little hussy should be given preferential treatment, especially in light of the great services he, the Reverend Falwell, had administered on earth.

 

Saint Peter smiled indulgently and said, "Reverend, back on earth, Helen drove a little red Corvette. She ran red lights, drag-raced at intersections, ignored stop signs, cut people off - with all due respect, Reverend, she scared the hell out of more people than you ever did!"

[Sark]

What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

[sundog]

QUOTE (Maddy @ May 20 2007, 10:09 PM)

As everyone probably knows, Jerry Falwell died last week. While Saint Peter was checking his credentials at the Golden Gates, a lovely young woman in a miniskirt walked up and interrupted with, "Hey Pete, howya doin'?" Saint Peter immediately dropped everything and left the Reverend to wait for well over an hour while he got the newcomer settled in. Well, Falwell was rather irate about this and demanded to know why this snippy little hussy should be given preferential treatment, especially in light of the great services he, the Reverend Falwell, had administered on earth. Saint Peter smiled indulgently and said, "Reverend, back on earth, Helen drove a little red Corvette. She ran red lights, drag-raced at intersections, ignored stop signs, cut people off - with all due respect, Reverend, she scared the hell out of more people than you ever did!"

[sundog]

QUOTE (Sark @ May 21 2007, 10:01 AM)

What do you do to an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

 

Oh, right a baseball reference.....

[nebbish]

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet.

 

 

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

 

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....

 

 

"I want you to think about something.

 

 

Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

 

An Irish voice from the front of the audience yells out....

 

 

"Then f**kin stop clapping, ya a**ehole!"

 

[nebbish]

Sometimes You've Gotta Love Drunk People.....

A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.

"Not a chance," said the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slammed the door and returned to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered. "Did you help him?" she asked. "No! I did not! It's 3 o' clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

 

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself. The man did as he was told, got dressed, and went out into the pouring rain.

 

He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" came back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" called out the husband.

"Yes, please" came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asked the husband.

"Over here..... on the swing!" called the drunk.

[sundog]

QUOTE (nebbish @ May 25 2007, 06:54 AM)

Sometimes You've Gotta Love Drunk People..... A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push. "Not a chance," said the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slammed the door and returned to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered. "Did you help him?" she asked. "No! I did not! It's 3 o' clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," said his wife "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself. The man did as he was told, got dressed, and went out into the pouring rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" came back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" called out the husband. "Yes, please" came the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asked the husband. "Over here..... on the swing!" called the drunk.

[Jack Aubrey]

 

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!" "Woah, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

 

"What a horrible way to die!"

 

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

 

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

 

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

 

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

 

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

 

"Man, what a way to go!"

 

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

 

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

 

"No no, he survived that..."

 

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

 

"I shot him!"

 

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

 

"He was wrecking my house!"

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (sundog @ May 21 2007, 01:43 PM)

QUOTE (Sark @ May 21 2007, 10:01 AM) What do you do to an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.   Oh, right a baseball reference..... thanks, sundog i was struggling with that one.

[Test4VitalSigns]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ May 29 2007, 11:25 PM)

QUOTE (sundog @ May 21 2007, 01:43 PM) QUOTE (Sark @ May 21 2007, 10:01 AM) What do you do to an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.   Oh, right a baseball reference..... thanks, sundog i was struggling with that one. That reminds me of a joke I heard on the Muppet Show...     What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?                     Elephino