The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Jaye]

QUOTE (Pags @ Jun 20 2008, 07:53 PM)

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office . While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.  She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some  questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubb le gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... '

I'm very tempted to look into sending this one into Rick Wakeman's radio show - apparently, they're looking for the best joke ever.

I bet Rick would be all over this one!

[nettiesaur]

QUOTE (Jaye @ Jun 21 2008, 10:13 AM)

QUOTE (Pags @ Jun 20 2008, 07:53 PM) A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office . While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.  She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some  questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubb le gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... ' I'm very tempted to look into sending this one into Rick Wakeman's radio show - apparently, they're looking for the best joke ever. I bet Rick would be all over this one! I just got this one: From my MOM!!     here's a cute one for ya!   mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.   So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school In the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.   The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.   The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.   As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'   Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'   The friend said, 'Well, who is she?'   'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'   ' Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?   'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my Life, so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

[Larks]

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

 

"I'm Jim."

 

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

 

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

 

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

 

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

 

"Is it your brother?"

 

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

 

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

 

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

 

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

 

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

 

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

 

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

 

[Mara]

QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Jun 17 2008, 11:42 PM)

Taylor thinks 47 is not old. That's a good one too!

I just turned 40 this year (and yes, I threw a daylong snit about it), and I can tell you that 47 is DEFINITELY not old!

[Larks]

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

 

Why do kamikazee pilots wear helmets?

 

Why call it a building if it's already been built?

 

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

 

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

 

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

 

Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!

 

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

 

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

 

How can there be self-help "groups"?

 

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

 

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

 

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

 

Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

 

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

 

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

 

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

 

 

[Sark]

Here's one from Larry the Cable Guy-

 

 

 

"I used to date one of those midgets. I tell ya, I was nuts over her."

 

"I had ta end it though, she kept stickin' her nose in my business."

[sundog]

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

 

 

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either one'.

[blonde77th]

Too funny

[Ghost of a Rider]

A Polish guy is in the eye doctor's office doing the eye chart test. The doctor says: "Can you read line ten?" Looking at the chart and seeing: C K Z O R S I N, he looks at the doctor and says: "Read it? Hell, I know the guy."

[Rolinda Bonz]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

 

'Mrs. Ward, please.'

 

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

 

When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday,

a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well,

and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.

Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'

 

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

 

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS.

We can't tell which are your husband's.'

 

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Ward.

 

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.

The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't have sex with him.

[failte]

[Rolinda Bonz]

The Sensitive Man

 

A woman meets a man in a bar.They talk; they connect;

they end up leaving together.

 

They get back to his place,and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them,

and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

 

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

 

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

 

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

 

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

 

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf'

 

 

[failte]

 

 

[Ratchetblst]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

 

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

"One for you, one for me One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

 

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

 

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

 

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

SMILE, God Loves You

Edited August 5, 2008 by Ratchetblst

[umoveme]

not really a joke...

 

but I had to share!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

 

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. Peo ple may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air tim e the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identif y SAFE HAVENS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering

the bathroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

 

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise..

 

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

 

QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS

 

[Finding IT]

QUOTE (umoveme @ Aug 5 2008, 11:34 AM)

not really a joke... but I had to share!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. Peo ple may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air tim e the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identif y SAFE HAVENS. *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE. *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. *HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE. *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees! SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~ The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs. Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop. Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house. The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water. The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam. The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.. NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS

Wow, thanks for that, J. That must be some of that quality West Coast class I have only heard about.

[Test4VitalSigns]

MORNING SEX

 

She was standing in the kitchen

Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,

Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

 

As I walked in almost awake,

She turned and said softly,

'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

 

My eyes lit up and I thought,

'I am either still dreaming or

This is going to be my lucky day.'

 

Not wanting to lose the moment,

I embraced her and then gave it my all;

Right there on the kitchen table.

 

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her

'T' shirt still around her neck.

 

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

 

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[sundog]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/sundog918/Bitch.jpg

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

 

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

 

She's such a bitch

[sundog]

A blind cowboy is at a bar. After sitting there for a while, he yells

to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky

voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,

I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blond girl with baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

 

'Now, seriously think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that

joke?'

 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No.....not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[eguy]

Bad Pun of the Day:

 

What do you call it when your favorite band plays the casino?

 

Rush & Roulette

 

 

[Jaye]

QUOTE (eguy @ Sep 2 2008, 09:26 PM)

Bad Pun of the Day: What do you call it when your favorite band plays the casino? Rush & Roulette

[Test4VitalSigns]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

 

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

 

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

 

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

 

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

 

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[eguy]

With his 90th birthday approaching, the old man has become increasingly depressed. His wife is beside herself, trying to figure out what to do to cheer him up. She decides to to hire a call girl, and sneaks her in while he takes his daily walk. Upon his return, his wife tells him she has a surprise for him upstairs. When he opens the bedroom door, the call girl is stretched out provocatively on the bed and says "Hi there birthday boy. I'm here to give you super sex!"

He looks at her, thinks for a second, and says "Girlie, at my age, I'll take the soup!"

 

 

[neil#2]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Sep 8 2008, 01:47 PM)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[eguy]

How do you tell the clan of a Scotsman?

 

Reach under his kilt. If he's got a quarter pounder, he's...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a MacDonald!