sullysue Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 George Carlin's New Rules for 2007 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?" You gotta love George! http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y111/ssullysue/carlin22.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blonde77th Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaotica Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
failte Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 1 2007, 08:36 AM) George Carlin's New Rules for 2007 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?" You gotta love George! http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y111/ssullysue/carlin22.jpg ahh, finally, the voice of reason!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Limelight* Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 1 2007, 05:36 AM) George Carlin's New Rules for 2007 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?" You gotta love George! http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y111/ssullysue/carlin22.jpg Only George Carlin. Only he could do this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Test4VitalSigns Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Thanks sue!!! He was great when I saw him live last October Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 now i must forward these over the email. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesweetscience Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Great stuff!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Necromancer Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 He's gonna be here in a few weeks and if he's doing some new material like this and not just a rehashed seven deadly words shtick, i think we'll be going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladirushfan80 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slime Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Are these rules from any of his live shows, books or on his website? If they aren't, they aren't his. He says so on his website. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weakly Criminal Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 Here's the best Carlin bit ever. Not the funniest, but the truest. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yL6ULruYjNA...related&search= Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 QUOTE (Slime @ Feb 3 2007, 05:16 PM) Are these rules from any of his live shows, books or on his website? If they aren't, they aren't his. He says so on his website. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rush! Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 Great stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
what went wrong? Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 1 2007, 08:36 AM) New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. I tried to tell that to my mother, but she just sat on my chest and pulled my eyebrows out, one by one, with tweezers. She must be deaf, because I was actually screaming in her ear. (I have issues with sharp things coming near my eyes, because I almost lost one of them, and they're bad enough as it is...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted February 4, 2007 Author Share Posted February 4, 2007 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 3 2007, 07:33 PM) QUOTE (Slime @ Feb 3 2007, 05:16 PM) Are these rules from any of his live shows, books or on his website? If they aren't, they aren't his. He says so on his website. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp Oh, well. You gotta love Bill Maher, then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Necromancer Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 4 2007, 10:03 AM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 3 2007, 07:33 PM) QUOTE (Slime @ Feb 3 2007, 05:16 PM) Are these rules from any of his live shows, books or on his website? If they aren't, they aren't his. He says so on his website. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp Oh, well. You gotta love Bill Maher, then. Now that I know he made them... they're NOT funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted February 4, 2007 Author Share Posted February 4, 2007 QUOTE (Necromancer @ Feb 4 2007, 09:09 AM) QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 4 2007, 10:03 AM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 3 2007, 07:33 PM) QUOTE (Slime @ Feb 3 2007, 05:16 PM) Are these rules from any of his live shows, books or on his website? If they aren't, they aren't his. He says so on his website. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp Oh, well. You gotta love Bill Maher, then. Now that I know he made them... they're NOT funny. Oh, for God's sake. Are you people never happy? *gathers toys and goes home* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeeJ Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 4 2007, 10:41 AM) QUOTE (Necromancer @ Feb 4 2007, 09:09 AM) QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 4 2007, 10:03 AM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 3 2007, 07:33 PM) QUOTE (Slime @ Feb 3 2007, 05:16 PM) Are these rules from any of his live shows, books or on his website? If they aren't, they aren't his. He says so on his website. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp Oh, well. You gotta love Bill Maher, then. Now that I know he made them... they're NOT funny. Oh, for God's sake. Are you people never happy? *gathers toys and goes home* I wanna PLAY!!! I thought these were hysterical and it doesn't matter where they came from. CAN YOU BRING BACK THE TOYS??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted February 4, 2007 Author Share Posted February 4, 2007 QUOTE (CeeJ @ Feb 4 2007, 11:30 AM) QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 4 2007, 10:41 AM) QUOTE (Necromancer @ Feb 4 2007, 09:09 AM) QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 4 2007, 10:03 AM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 3 2007, 07:33 PM) QUOTE (Slime @ Feb 3 2007, 05:16 PM) Are these rules from any of his live shows, books or on his website? If they aren't, they aren't his. He says so on his website. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp Oh, well. You gotta love Bill Maher, then. Now that I know he made them... they're NOT funny. Oh, for God's sake. Are you people never happy? *gathers toys and goes home* I wanna PLAY!!! I thought these were hysterical and it doesn't matter where they came from. CAN YOU BRING BACK THE TOYS??? Oh, OK. *gets out the Easy Bake Oven and Shrinky Dinks* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeeJ Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 4 2007, 12:36 PM) QUOTE (CeeJ @ Feb 4 2007, 11:30 AM) QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 4 2007, 10:41 AM) QUOTE (Necromancer @ Feb 4 2007, 09:09 AM) QUOTE (sullysue @ Feb 4 2007, 10:03 AM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 3 2007, 07:33 PM) QUOTE (Slime @ Feb 3 2007, 05:16 PM) Are these rules from any of his live shows, books or on his website? If they aren't, they aren't his. He says so on his website. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp Oh, well. You gotta love Bill Maher, then. Now that I know he made them... they're NOT funny. Oh, for God's sake. Are you people never happy? *gathers toys and goes home* I wanna PLAY!!! I thought these were hysterical and it doesn't matter where they came from. CAN YOU BRING BACK THE TOYS??? Oh, OK. *gets out the Easy Bake Oven and Shrinky Dinks* I have the FOOTBALL!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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