My son's education dilemma

[PassTheAmmunition]

Ok, so I'm posting this in NWW specifically because I would like to get the opinions of Moms on here regarding an issue my wife and I have been agonizing over for almost 2 years. Would greatly appreciate the points of view of anyone who has gone through something similar

 

My oldest son is in first grade, and he is a smart, adorable, well-behaved 7 year old on the verge of going into second grade. When he was 5, my wife and I made the decision to send him to a private school (religious affiliation, and also our church). The decision at that time was largely based on the simple fact that our town did not offer full-day kindergarten, and with both of us working, that didnt work. We enrolled him in this wonderful school with the idea that his kindergarten class would be around 10-15 children. After enrollment, we were a bit dismayed to find that only 4 kids had enrolled. It was my son, and three girls.

 

Now, the attention and education he receives is outstanding. With only 4 kids, there was great one on one care given. He is an excellent reader, writer, speller and has a genuine thirst for knowledge. At the conclusion of kindergarten, we decided to leave him in this school hoping that in first grade, there may be new students enrolling. At the start of first grade last year however, no new children enrolled, and in fact, one girl left (moved to Texas) The class is down to my son and two girls.

 

My son's only interaction with lots of kids is during gym, lunch and occasionally, after school activities. But that is very limited, and most of his interaction is with the two girls in his grade.

 

Last summer, to help fill the void, and help my wife and I with our work schedules, we sent him to summer day camp. It was not inexpensive, and a major commitment for us, but he enjoyed the orientation and seemed to like camp, at first. As the summer wore on, we sadly realized camp was overwhelming our son. He was with all boys (groups of 15-25) and they were boisterous, well..boys. He would come home sad, and would make up stories about why camp was bad - it wasnt until after several trips to speak to the counselors that we realized he was just not adjusting to that many kids well.

 

So we learned an expensive lesson, and as my son finishes up his final days of first grade, we recieved some additional bad news - another girl is transferring to a school in NY state, leaving second grade with my son and one other girl. The school overall has a declining student body; times are tough and many families (including ours) really are stretched to afford it.

 

The thought of my son spending next year in a class with one other kid has caused us to reevaluate the situation. Our son, older now, and more capable of expressing himself, admits to making up reasons to avoid camp last summer. And he seems to be quite self-contained, but hasnt many friends. His younger brother is too young to be his "friend" at this stage, and it breaks our hearts to see him so solitary.

 

We made a decision to take him to an open house at the public school last week. Dreading his rejection, we were surprised when he walked in and immediately saw two kids that live nearby that he has met and played with at the park not long ago. We were thrilled but cautious and guarded about his long term acceptance of changing schools.

 

My thinking, and what I'm hoping you all will chime in on is as follows:

 

The private school is simply too small, and indeed may even cease to be able to function in coming years. Either way, I cant see him staying there through 8th grade and cant foresee how they could afford to operate with such small student body for that length of time. I dont want him to be overwhelmed by groups of other kids. he will eventually if he joins another school system, so earlier is better than later, right?

 

We enrolled him in public schools. He said "yay" (eagerly at first, half-heartedly most recently). He then said last night "I want to stay where I am at my school".

 

Absolutely has my wife and I second guessing our gut instincts. I want him to be well-adjusted and not solitary. I cant tell if he wants to be solitary, or just is because he has no alternative. Am I going against his nature? Confused doesnt begin to cover it!

 

PTA

[Queen of Megadon]

PTA honey, you're making absolutely the right decision. Pull him.

 

This is almost a non-decision. You said it yourself, the school will cease to function soon enough if it stays on its present course. You dont want him to be solitary, keeping him in a school with 2 ppl will steer him in that direction.

 

I remember the troubles he had with camp, and so many boys was overwhelming, probably because he hadnt been exposed before to such a garrulous group.

 

You know my son and his nature. His nature is to be solitary. But he HAS to learn to function in groups, in society, with various people. So I have always pushed to have him be part of a public school setting. And you know what? He's still solitary, still keeps to himself. He has a few friends, and isnt really part of too many groups, because that is his nature.

 

My boy is different from yours, but your boy wont change, and you arent forcing him to be something he is not. But you are giving him the opportunity to learn to deal when he has to, because in life, he'll have to.

 

Go for it...I bet he blossoms and adjusts in no time.

 

 

[PassTheAmmunition]

Thanks QoM, for the thoughtful post.

 

Its now just down to *my* nature to second-guess important decisions that affect the lives of those I love. I tend to overthink, and often.

 

My childhood was just so different from his. Open the door and go. Kids on every corner. You had no choice but to interact. Some didnt interact to the levels most of us did, but hardly any withdrew and became entirely solitary. I just want him to have opportunity to develop friendships, meet kids from his town, establish lifetime friendships.

 

I just got back from a golf outing with my childhood buddy, of 43 years. Its like we never moved apart. I want that so much for him. I want him to gain confidence and not be bullied as well. You know what I'm saying.

 

Thanks for the uplift.

 

PTA

[GhostGirl]

PTA, let me add my agreement here.

 

I personally went to a private religious school through 8th grade - very similar situation as your son's. In 4th grade there were 7 people. Me, one other girl and 5 boys. I can honestly tell you that I suffered because I never learned to get along in groups, and the cliquish nature of that school caused me a lot of psychological harm over the years.

 

When my parents finally sent me to public school, I blossomed after an initial breaking-in period. There were tons of people, lots of interests, and not even close to the same kinds of "cliques."

 

It'll seem hard, and your son will at first want what's familiar, but I believe with all my heart that he too will adjust and blossom.

 

to you and your wife - parenting is HARD.

[nobodys hero]

You need to put him in a public school. I know he's scared about making new friends.You could talk to the school ahead of time and express your concerns and maybe they could have the teacher pair him up with several kids she thinks will become friends with him.

 

My son has been thru several schools due to bullying and I never wanted to put him at the school 5 doors from my home. I finally did last year and the teacher immediately matched him up with several boys to hang around with while he got to know the other kids. It worked wonderfully.

 

Your son will adjust and find others who like to do the same things and great friendships will be made!

[PassTheAmmunition]

QUOTE (GhostGirl @ May 26 2011, 01:22 PM)

PTA, let me add my agreement here. I personally went to a private religious school through 8th grade - very similar situation as your son's. In 4th grade there were 7 people. Me, one other girl and 5 boys. I can honestly tell you that I suffered because I never learned to get along in groups, and the cliquish nature of that school caused me a lot of psychological harm over the years. When my parents finally sent me to public school, I blossomed after an initial breaking-in period. There were tons of people, lots of interests, and not even close to the same kinds of "cliques." It'll seem hard, and your son will at first want what's familiar, but I believe with all my heart that he too will adjust and blossom. to you and your wife - parenting is HARD.

Thanks GG - really appreciate your input here as well. Intellectually, I know this is the right decision. We are just preparing ourselves for a rough 'break-in' period because I can imagine he will be overwhelmed a bit at first.

 

Very very comforting to have a sounding board from people here that I know and respect very much.

 

Hope you all have a great memorial day weekend

 

PTA

[PassTheAmmunition]

QUOTE (nobodys hero @ May 26 2011, 01:25 PM)

You need to put him in a public school. I know he's scared about making new friends.You could talk to the school ahead of time and express your concerns and maybe they could have the teacher pair him up with several kids she thinks will become friends with him. My son has been thru several schools due to bullying and I never wanted to put him at the school 5 doors from my home. I finally did last year and the teacher immediately matched him up with several boys to hang around with while he got to know the other kids. It worked wonderfully. Your son will adjust and find others who like to do the same things and great friendships will be made!

Thank you, NH. Actually that is a great suggestion. I'm also reaching out to the parents of the two boys my son played with at the park who go to this school, as they apparently live a street or two over. It would be nice if he had something somewhat familiar going there in Sept.

 

Cheers!

[MCM]

I realize that you don't know me, and I will say that I don't have children, this would normally keep me from responding, but.. personal experience makes me want to give you my thoughts.

 

I attended a small parochial school from 4th grade thru 10th grade. I made the decision to go back to public school for my jr. and sr. year and my parents supported me, but it was hard to go back into that environment. I was used to an entire school K-12 of about 30-35 people and it was overwhelming. By looking ahead and making this decision for your child at a young age you are doing them a great service. While young he will be better able to adjust and will become less solitary as he adjusts to being around larger groups. It may not be easy for him, but he's got parents who are aware of this and will be able to understand and help him get thru the adjustment period.

 

Social skills and learning to "get along" with all kinds of people is as important as the book learning that you get in school. I had a lot of problems adjusting to the different environment and in retrospect I think it hindered me when I went away to college. It was still hard at that point to function in a larger group, all the new people, new places, it was very overwhelming.

 

It sounds like you are aware of the difficulty he may have in adjusting to the new environment but it also looks like you are aware of the need to learn how to live in the larger world. He has thoughtful and involved parents who will help him to adjust and find his place in a new school. You're already on the way by trying to pursue friendships with other kids who may live nearby and will be in this new school.

 

I say good for you for being a thoughtful and caring parent concerned about the bigger picture. Good Luck to you as parents and to him in his new school.

 

 

[ghostworks]

Food for thought:

 

As a young man who always felt comfortable and best alone or one on one, my 'forced' social interactions (Sunday school, summer camp, organized sports, public schools) taught me nothing but contempt for the human race.

 

That has been exceedingly difficult to 'unlearn' as an adult.

 

I'm positive that you're merely looking for perspectives here, and nothing like my experiences had been represented - that's the only reason I chimed in.

 

It's not my intent to confuse or depress - so please take it at face value.

 

 

 

 

 

[PassTheAmmunition]

QUOTE (MCM @ May 26 2011, 07:28 PM)

I realize that you don't know me, and I will say that I don't have children, this would normally keep me from responding, but.. personal experience makes me want to give you my thoughts. I attended a small parochial school from 4th grade thru 10th grade. I made the decision to go back to public school for my jr. and sr. year and my parents supported me, but it was hard to go back into that environment. I was used to an entire school K-12 of about 30-35 people and it was overwhelming. By looking ahead and making this decision for your child at a young age you are doing them a great service. While young he will be better able to adjust and will become less solitary as he adjusts to being around larger groups. It may not be easy for him, but he's got parents who are aware of this and will be able to understand and help him get thru the adjustment period. Social skills and learning to "get along" with all kinds of people is as important as the book learning that you get in school. I had a lot of problems adjusting to the different environment and in retrospect I think it hindered me when I went away to college. It was still hard at that point to function in a larger group, all the new people, new places, it was very overwhelming. It sounds like you are aware of the difficulty he may have in adjusting to the new environment but it also looks like you are aware of the need to learn how to live in the larger world. He has thoughtful and involved parents who will help him to adjust and find his place in a new school. You're already on the way by trying to pursue friendships with other kids who may live nearby and will be in this new school. I say good for you for being a thoughtful and caring parent concerned about the bigger picture. Good Luck to you as parents and to him in his new school.

MCM,

 

I appreciate you taking the time to give me that point of view. And I also appreciate the kind words regarding my desire to want to be a good parent. :-)

 

What you wrote about and lived is exactly the scenario we discussed, leading us to this decision. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the people in this school. In fact, they are some of the most generous and caring people we have met, and they all truly mean well. But we are talking indeed about a school of 50-65 kids at most, K-8. Actually, probablymore accurately like 45 kids with the recent transfers out. So we are faced with the inevitable reality of him needing to merge into a larger school, and with no experience here, we made the strong assumption sooner rather than later would be easier to overcome and adapt to.

 

Thanks for helping us to rationalize this, and for being so generous in sharing your own experiences.

 

PTA

[PassTheAmmunition]

QUOTE (ghostworks @ May 26 2011, 07:59 PM)

Food for thought: As a young man who always felt comfortable and best alone or one on one, my 'forced' social interactions (Sunday school, summer camp, organized sports, public schools) taught me nothing but contempt for the human race. That has been exceedingly difficult to 'unlearn' as an adult. I'm positive that you're merely looking for perspectives here, and nothing like my experiences had been represented - that's the only reason I chimed in. It's not my intent to confuse or depress - so please take it at face value.

Ghostworks,

 

It is entirely possible that my son prefers solitude. If that is the case, it will bear itself out in due time. Your perspective is quite valid,and I appreciate your input here.

 

All we can do is try, and see what plays out. We can always go back - if the school is still open. I would have zero qualms about having him be there if that is truly where he feels most comfortable and public school turns out to not suit him. We shall see in Sept....

 

PTA

[ghostworks]

That you're interested at all is worlds above what a lot of us experienced.

 

Best of luck, absolutely!

[nettiesaur]

From a teacher's standpoint here:

A little tip: Let your son's second grade teacher know about the situation before school begins, if you can. He or She may be able to set up some good situations for him, or at least watch for bullying. I had 3 children this year who were new to the school. Now, at the end of the year, you wouldn't know that they had been new in the fall. I set them up with children who had similar personalities, and they bloomed(they were all very shy).

 

Kudos on your decision to move him. Those classes are much too small.

 

[PassTheAmmunition]

QUOTE (nettiesaur @ May 27 2011, 10:33 PM)

From a teacher's standpoint here: A little tip: Let your son's second grade teacher know about the situation before school begins, if you can. He or She may be able to set up some good situations for him, or at least watch for bullying. I had 3 children this year who were new to the school. Now, at the end of the year, you wouldn't know that they had been new in the fall. I set them up with children who had similar personalities, and they bloomed(they were all very shy). Kudos on your decision to move him. Those classes are much too small.

Thanks for this, Nettie. Great to have a teacher's perspective as well. As soon as we find out who is teacher is going to be, we plan to ask to meet with him/her to be able to provide some background, and hopefully some of the things they can do to steer him through the first year

 

Much appreciate your comments

 

PTA

[lerxt1990]

I think youre doing the right thing.

 

Im familiar with this situation. If your child is solitary, shy, etc., they will be that way anyway n a larger class, but will learn to work that personality in a way that allows them to interact, and achieve, while remaining who they are. IMO, avoiding that with a very small class won't teach them those skills.

 

Some people call this "assimilating" - but in my personal experience, that's not quite right, its more seeing how they, on their own, can find a way to fit who they are into the context of a larger group and still achieve. And to hopefully (and in my experience this can sometimes take until 5th through 8th grade to happen) learn to work themselves into the classroom experience, whether its getting their hands up, or sliding by the teachers desk on the way out or in to tell them something.

 

Just my 0.02 from observations...

[PassTheAmmunition]

Hey, thanks Lerxt1990 - much appreciate your input here. We felt it was a calculated risk doing it to see if, like you mentioned, he learns to work his personality in his own way in a larger setting. Staying where he was was not going to afford him that chance to see if that could develop.

 

A few weeks since we made that call now - and happy to report that he is "fine" with the decision. Ive actually heard him mention on a few occasions to different people that he's "going to a new school in the fall" and he sounds very excited about it. Over the course of the summer so far he has even met additional kids from that school while playing in the park near our house.....and had a few get-togethers with them at our house swimming in recent weeks... while they arent in his grade, they are a grade above as well as below, they are friendly faces he will see in the hallways and at recess, etc.

 

Summer camp was another good decision (we feel) because this time around he is going to a local "summer rec" program offered in the same school that his younger brother attends. It gives him exposure to groups of about 10-15 kids doing all activities and trips ranging from swimming to bowling to crafts. So far, he seems to enjoy it.

 

Overall, he seems ready to emerge from his shell. We're still guarded about September. Weve both taken off from work that week to hopefully assist in the transition in any way required.....but again, I want this to be something he does on his own. Theres plenty more of it awaiting him out there in life, and I dont intend to overly coddle him.

 

Thanks again for the input

[Queen of Megadon]

Sounds like he's doing great doll! I bet September is going to be pretty seamless. Thanks for the update!

[laughedatbytime]

I have two experiences that you may find helpful.

 

I was (and still am) painfully shy. I went to a smaller pariochial school K-8. It was outstanding academically and I enjoyed going there.

 

BUT, it did not prepare me for the outside world well at all. Our high school was not at all strong academically, so fortunately I didn't have to struggle with academics at the high school level (though I was woefully unprepared for college). However, dealing with rampant drug use, out of control classrooms, and cliquish (sp?) classmates made every day pretty much a terrifying experience.

 

Meanwhile, I sent my son to a somewhat larger pariochial school for pre K, kindergarten and 1st grade. Things were made more problematic by the fact that he has mild Asperger's. When my job moved prior to his second grade year, we moved to Minnesota and put him in public school. It was a slow transition, and there were some rough times his first few years, exacerbated by his Asperger's as well as the fact that his mom and I are divorced so there were frequent trips back to the area he was born. However, he is now flourishing academically in his new school environment, and holding his own socially--he seems to have fully adapted to his new surroundings, and was even sad to see middle school end.

 

I took from these experiences that the earlier the transition takes place the better, because if you start out in a smaller circle, eventually, whether that is later in school or when you begin your career, you will almost certainly end up in larger groups, and adapting is easier the earlier it occurs.

 

In any case, good luck with your decision as it unfolds...looks like you're on the right track...I think it's the right one...and best of luck to your little guy!!!

[PassTheAmmunition]

QUOTE (laughedatbytime @ Jul 26 2011, 10:37 PM)

I have two experiences that you may find helpful. I was (and still am) painfully shy. I went to a smaller pariochial school K-8. It was outstanding academically and I enjoyed going there. BUT, it did not prepare me for the outside world well at all. Our high school was not at all strong academically, so fortunately I didn't have to struggle with academics at the high school level (though I was woefully unprepared for college). However, dealing with rampant drug use, out of control classrooms, and cliquish (sp?) classmates made every day pretty much a terrifying experience. Meanwhile, I sent my son to a somewhat larger pariochial school for pre K, kindergarten and 1st grade. Things were made more problematic by the fact that he has mild Asperger's. When my job moved prior to his second grade year, we moved to Minnesota and put him in public school. It was a slow transition, and there were some rough times his first few years, exacerbated by his Asperger's as well as the fact that his mom and I are divorced so there were frequent trips back to the area he was born. However, he is now flourishing academically in his new school environment, and holding his own socially--he seems to have fully adapted to his new surroundings, and was even sad to see middle school end. I took from these experiences that the earlier the transition takes place the better, because if you start out in a smaller circle, eventually, whether that is later in school or when you begin your career, you will almost certainly end up in larger groups, and adapting is easier the earlier it occurs. In any case, good luck with your decision as it unfolds...looks like you're on the right track...I think it's the right one...and best of luck to your little guy!!!

Thank you for telling me your story. I dont know how I missed this post, but somehow I did. Some of the things you mentioned really hit home, especially the point about academically being in a position where you were doing very well, but ill-equipped perhaps to handle the jump to HS.... that was our single biggest consideration actually. We know he is very bright and he is doing very well with reading and we are making the assumption that when he transfers now (2nd grade) his ability to assimilate to that environment will be less overwhelming then if he remains somewhat sheltered in the k-8 school and then has to eventually transition to a larger school.

 

He may always be shy, and we are completely happy if that is just his personality. But I think this way he at least has the opportunity to break out of that shell, should he chose to

 

Thanks again L@BT

[PassTheAmmunition]

Ok - so here's the update:

 

Today was my son's first day of second grade at the public school. He rocked it. Like out of the park rocked it. Today was an emotional and great day for us.

 

Rewinding a bit...as summer drew to a close and Sept neared, my wife and I started discussing the impending transition to this school. As his routine broke with the cooler weather and it was time to clothes shop (and school supply shop) we started talking it up a bit. In the last week of August, the new school held a "scavenger hunt" inviting all the new students to come to the school for a few hours in the afternoon to hunt for hidden treasures around the school and in so doing, make new friends, what a fantastic idea.

 

We had heard from our neighbors that the principal, a man new to the position in the past 3 years, was a real genuine and unique person. He had an affinity for personalized attention, and he made a real impression on our neighbors when he came from another school.

 

On scavenger hunt day, we brought our son to the school and he was very very excited. Within 2 minutes he met two kids that were also in his class and were new to town and lived only a few blocks from us. Together, they roamed the halls looking for clues and stickers to fill a treasure map and in so doing, learned the layout of the school floors, classrooms, gym, cafeteria, etc. What an ingenious idea.

 

I had never met the principal before, nor had my wife. He called our home a few nights before the scavenger hunt to introduce himself, which was very unexpected. Due to work meetings on the day of the scavenger hunt, my wife and I had to take seperate cars to the school and I arrived a bit later. The school was mobbed with parents and kids and teachers. As I walked through the front door, a man standing there asked if he could help direct me to where it was I was going. I told him I was looking for my wife and son and he immediately said that I must be Aidan's father and that he was on the second floor meeting his new teacher, and he walked me up and we chatted. He introduced himself as the new principal. I was very surprised at this man's personal effort. I was not expecting that. On the walk up he asked me a few things about my son - was there anything I wanted him to know, things that concerned me, etc. Just really made me feel like we made the right choice.

 

So the kids had the time of his life and stayed about an hour after the scavenger hunt just playing with the new kids in the playground.

 

Fast forward to this morning and my son literally jumped out of bed and shouted "Its second grade time!" and was dressed faster than Ive ever seen him dressed and ready to go. We walked with him to school and on the way, ran into our neighbors and their kids and the 7 of us walked the few blocks together. We watched him go in and he never looked back, backpack slung over his shoulder. Like I said, he rocked it. Came home talking a mile a minute about his day, so excited.

 

This is going to be good for him, I feel it. I really feel that his world is opening up.

 

Thanks everyone

 

PTA

Edited September 9, 2011 by PassTheAmmunition

[GhostGirl]

I'm SO glad for you guys. Nothing gives a parent peace like knowing the kiddos are happy and well-cared-for at school. Yay!

[1 of the 7]

I'd been thinking about your son with back-to-school-time underway - glad to hear the good news! Sounds like they have a great staff!

[Queen of Megadon]

Aw man! PTA that totally rocks! I'm so excited for him, and for you!! He's gonna keep rockin it out of the park, I have no doubt.

[nobodys hero]

Thank you for the update, I've been wondering how he was doing! I'm so glad it is going so well for him. It sounds like it is a great school and your principal sounds like a gem.

[PassTheAmmunition]

Thanks everyone for the moral support! Last night was back-to-school night and I had a chance to meet with his teacher after the general presentation when we broke into classroom visits.

 

She pulled me aside and told me that had I never told her that my son was formerly in such a small class and that we had transitional worries, she would have NEVER KNOWN. She said he is completely well-adapted, outgoing and friendly and (she said this with all sincerity) an amazing reader. She said that of the 22 students she tested for GRL exam, he is one of the strongest. She said that whatever school he was at previously, really instilled some great reading skills (credit to him for the interest) and that the only thing she said that she has to do with him is find a way to suppress his urge to write everything in cursive (they arent really getting to cursive until later) but that he really is doing excellent.

 

I left beaming, of course. :-)