Just for fun

[Cygnus]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains

without water.

 

His horse has already died of thirst.

 

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his

last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out

of the sand several yards ahead of him.

 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers

what looks to be an old brief case.

 

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

 

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

 

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked

behind one ear.

 

"Well, cowboy," says the genie! ... "You know how I work. You have

three wishes."

 

"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to

trust an IRS genie."

 

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no

transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

 

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the

genie is right.

 

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and

drink."

 

***POOF***

 

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever

seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of

delicacies.

 

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

 

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

 

***POOF***

 

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with

rare gold coins and precious gems.

 

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!"

 

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that

no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

 

***POOF***

 

He turned into a tampon.

 

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,

there's going to be a string attached

 

[ladirushfan80]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jun 13 2006, 02:12 PM)

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie! ... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie." She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached

[Arndrake]

Words Women Use

 

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and

you need to shut up.

 

Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more

minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you

should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually

end in "fine."

 

Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

 

Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by

men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why

she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over

"Nothing."

 

That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a

man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before

deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

Thanks

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman

is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back

out of the room slowly.

[Cygnus]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[Maddy]

There was once a gynecologist who had fulfilled his longtime dream of buying a gorgeous vintage Mustang he planned to fix up. In preparation, he decided to take a course of auto repair at a local college. Everything went well, and finally the day of the final exam rolled around. His task: diagnose what was wrong with the car, take it apart, fix it and put it back together. He did, he hoped, and anxiously awaited his final grade.

 

When the envelope arrived, he was surprised to find that out of a possible 100 points, he'd been given - 110. Happy, but a bit puzzled, he called the instructor to ask what the ten extra points were for.

 

"Oh, that?" the instructor said. "Well, I gave you the full 50 points for correctly diagnosing and repairing the problem, and the full fifty for correctly reassembling the engine. The extra ten were for doing it all through the tailpipe!"

 

(BTW, loved the parrot joke - I have two adorable wiseacre budgies who never fail to embarrass me at the worst times...)

[Cygnus]

A train hits a busload of catholic school girls and they all perish.

They all wind up in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.

Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact

with a penis?"

 

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one

with

the tip of my finger."

 

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and

pass through the gate."

 

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever

had any contact with a penis?"

 

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and

stroked one."

 

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass

through the gate."

 

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one

girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the

front of the line St. Peter says "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I

want

to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it!"

 

[Cygnus]

QUOTE (Maddy @ Jun 19 2006, 10:17 AM)

(BTW, loved the parrot joke - I have two adorable wiseacre budgies who never fail to embarrass me at the worst times...)

The Magician and the Parrot............

 

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

 

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

 

"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

 

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

 

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.

 

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... two days... and then three days.

 

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

 

"Okay, I give up. Where's the f**king ship?"

 

[DonnaWanna]

http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/1413/burger3on.jpg

[Cygnus]

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one

day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch

black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with

a hot 25-year-old blonde.

 

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma

screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It

seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go

out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make

sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,

driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

 

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your

mid-life crises!

[Trace]

 

I'm feeling pretty crap at the minute with cold, earache etc., but they just cheered me right up!!!!!

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jun 26 2006, 12:20 PM)

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. "Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!

[Cygnus]

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

 

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

 

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

 

 

Good too Be Back

[Maddy]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jul 31 2006, 12:45 PM)

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

 

I needed a laugh after that dull conference call...

[Cygnus]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

 

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[Cygnus]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/manogram.jpg

[Maddy]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 24 2006, 07:08 AM)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/manogram.jpg

[DonnaWanna]

Here's a story those of us of a certain age will understand:

 

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were

stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an

urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

 

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that

quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The

new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel

thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what

happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally,

hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer

Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down,

the thieves struck again.

My ass was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match

my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earli er. I couldn't believe

that my new ass was attached at least three inches lower

than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I

prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

 

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I

was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my

upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really

getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and

fiendish.

 

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed,

something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without

warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they

do to me next? My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving

turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my stor y. I can't take on

the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the

coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW

where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

 

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it

lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy

Crawford paid a really good price for them!

 

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN

YOUR FRIENDS!

 

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was

lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see

t hat they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I

keep them hidden in my waistband.

 

[Cygnus]

Women's Ass size study:

>

> There is a new study just released by the

> American Psychiatric Association about women and how

> they feel about their asses. The results are pretty

> interesting:

>

> 1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

>

> 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

>

> 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love

> him; he's a good man and they would have married him

> anyway

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 5 2006, 03:22 PM)

Women's Ass size study: > > There is a new study just released by the > American Psychiatric Association about women and how > they feel about their asses. The results are pretty > interesting: > > 1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. > > 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. > > 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love > him; he's a good man and they would have married him > anyway

[Cygnus]

Edited September 11, 2006 by Cygnus

[Maddy]

[Cygnus]

Dating vs. Marriage

 

 

 

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.

When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

 

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

 

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.

When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

 

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.

When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

 

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.

When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

 

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.

When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

 

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.

When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

 

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.

When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

 

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."

When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

 

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.

When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

 

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."

When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

 

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.

When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

 

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.

When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

 

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.

When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

 

[Maddy]

By those standards, me and my ex were married...

 

That's not a nice thought.

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 18 2006, 08:55 AM)

Dating vs. Marriage When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot. When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets. When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married ....You wonder who will die first. When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy." When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is. When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area. When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood." When you are married ....He says "It's your job." When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends. When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away. When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things. When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare. When you are dating..... He calls you by name. When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

 

[Cygnus]

A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris.

They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

 

When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK."

 

The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow?

 

"He replied, "She'll have a Salad."