The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[sundog]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ May 30 2007, 12:20 AM)

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ May 29 2007, 11:25 PM) QUOTE (sundog @ May 21 2007, 01:43 PM) QUOTE (Sark @ May 21 2007, 10:01 AM) What do you do to an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.   Oh, right a baseball reference..... thanks, sundog i was struggling with that one. That reminds me of a joke I heard on the Muppet Show...     What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?                     Elephino That is funny!

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (sundog @ May 30 2007, 04:53 AM)

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ May 30 2007, 12:20 AM) QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ May 29 2007, 11:25 PM) QUOTE (sundog @ May 21 2007, 01:43 PM) QUOTE (Sark @ May 21 2007, 10:01 AM) What do you do to an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.   Oh, right a baseball reference..... thanks, sundog i was struggling with that one. That reminds me of a joke I heard on the Muppet Show...     What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?                     Elephino That is funny!

[sullysue]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

 

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

 

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path

 

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

 

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

 

 

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

 

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

 

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

 

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

 

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko.

 

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

 

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

 

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

 

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

 

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

 

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers .

 

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

 

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

 

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag. ( )

 

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

 

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

 

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[deadwing2112]

22. ^^^^^

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (deadwing2112 @ May 31 2007, 10:59 AM)

22. ^^^^^

[Rolinda Bonz]

An Explanation of Life

 

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of

your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past For this, I will

give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years

and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do

tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life

span."

 

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time

to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

 

And God agreed.

 

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field

with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give

milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span

of sixty Years."

 

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty

years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

 

And God agreed again.

 

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and

enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

 

But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty,

the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the

dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

 

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy

ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our

family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the

grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and

bark at everyone.

 

Life has now been explained to you.

 

 

[Slacker]

^^^^^^^^

 

 

[Cygnus]

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by

two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous

Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses

 

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided

that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with

the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the

men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of

them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped

the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one,

holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their

clothes.

 

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually

well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher

said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

 

HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.

 

[neil#2]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jun 6 2007, 09:54 AM)

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.

[neil#2]

 

Bush (Senior) was in his front yard mowing his grass when little W.came out of

the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. Little W opened it, looked in,

then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

As Bush (senior) was getting ready to edge the lawn, looking his son, little

W. came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and

then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by his son actions George (senior) asked him, "Is something wrong

son?"

To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps

saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

 

 

 

[Pags]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jun 6 2007, 10:54 AM)

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.

[Pags]

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

 

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

 

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

 

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

 

" Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

 

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

 

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"

 

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

 

She says, "No, I am from Africa !"

 

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

 

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

[sullysue]

QUOTE (paganoman @ Jun 7 2007, 10:24 AM)

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

 

 

 

 

*tee hee*

[Godeater2112]

Did you hear about the guy who was elbowed in the head in the moshpit during the Hemispheres tour?

 

He was a victim of Circumstances.

 

Nyuck nyuck nyuck!

[Cygnus]

GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME

 

1. MONICA LEWINSKI

 

2. O. J. SIMPSON

 

3. TED KENNEDY

 

4. BILL CLINTON

 

 

 

WHY, YOU ASK?

 

 

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

 

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

 

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND. .

 

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.

[neil#2]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jun 7 2007, 12:59 PM)

GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME 1. MONICA LEWINSKI 2. O. J. SIMPSON 3. TED KENNEDY 4. BILL CLINTON WHY, YOU ASK? 1. MONICA IS A HOOKER 2. O. J. IS A SLICER 3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND. . 4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.

[neil#2]

smart salesman

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -

"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

 

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

 

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -

"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

 

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

 

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -

"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

 

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:

"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

 

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (neil#2 @ Jun 7 2007, 03:20 PM)

smart salesman A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00? Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

[sundog]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up

with Father Flaherty.

 

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and

didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye

did, Father.

 

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?

 

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

 

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a

candle for ye and yer hoosband."

 

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father" They then parted ways.

 

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs.. Donovan,

how are ye these days?"

 

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

 

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

 

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

 

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

 

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

 

 

[udanax]

I dunno if this one has been posted yet but....

 

A little boy was flunking in math, so his parents decided to send him to a Catholic school hoping that somehow it would help their son. After going to his new school for a few months he brought his report card to his mother and father with a big smile on his face. He had straight A's in everything including math. His parents whom were stunned by this strange phenomenon started asking him how he did it,"Was it the religion? The nuns? The strict rules? How did you do this?" The little boy looked at his parents and then shook his head side to side,"No, Mom and Dad" he replied,"It wasn't any of those things. But on the first day of school the nuns gave me a tour of the church, and when I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew that math meant business."

Edited June 9, 2007 by udanax

[sullysue]

Laws of Life

 

 

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

 

 

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

 

 

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

 

 

 

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

 

 

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

 

 

 

Bath Theoreum: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

 

 

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

 

 

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

 

 

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

 

 

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

 

 

 

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

 

 

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they wll have adjacent lockers.

 

 

 

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the rug/carpet.

 

 

 

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

 

 

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

 

[sundog]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a stop light while not

really paying attention. The fellow who was driving got out and he was a

dwarf.

 

He said "I'm not happy"

 

I said "Well, which one are you then ?

[neil#2]

okay so a guy is

near the

end of his

senior

year in high school.

Unfortunately,

he still has to share a room with his

younger

brother who is only 9

years

old.

 

 

 

One night, he decides to bring his

girlfriend home

for a little fun.

They

have bunk beds and the guy notices that

his little

brother is already

asleep

on the lower bunk, so he and his

girlfriend climb

up

to the top bunk.

 

 

 

As you

might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother

is

sleeping below so he tells

his

girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants

it

harder and "tomato" if

she

wants a new position.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lettuce!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomato!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lettuce!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomato!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lettuce!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomato!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She screams.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lettuce!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomato!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whoa!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PULL IT OUT!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can't get pregnant!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,

would you

guys stop making

sandwiches up there! You're getting

mayonnaise

all over my

face!*!*!*!*!

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jun 9 2007, 06:06 PM)

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a stop light while not really paying attention. The fellow who was driving got out and he was a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy" I said "Well, which one are you then ?

[Fridge]

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around,

spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As

she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

 

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

 

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

 

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not

have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,

'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

 

He answers,'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price