The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[blonde77th]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

>

> This is for all the germ conscious folks who worry about using cold water

>to clean.

>

> John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural

>area of Georgia.

>After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather

>prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film

>like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are

>these plates clean?"

>

> His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.

>Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

>

> For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about

>the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked

>like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

>

> Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those

>dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't

>want to hear another word about it!"

>

> Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was

>leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

>John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

>

>

>

>Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on

>TV, the old man shouted ..

>

> "COLDWATER! GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[failte]

ewww!!! that's nasty!!!

[Cygnus]

Ten ways to tell your Amish Teenager needs Help....

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

 

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" Makeup.

 

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

 

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

 

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

 

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks under the Feed Bags in the Barn.

 

3. Uses slang expression: "Yo... Yo..... Yoder, wazzzzzup?"

 

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving the Buggy under the influence of Pastureized Cottage Cheese."

 

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards

 

[Daylin]

[Maddy]

Thanks a lot - now I have that Weird Al song stuck in my head now...

 

"We been spending most our lives livin' in an Amish Paradise..."

[Cygnus]

Born a Baptist

 

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

 

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

 

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass and as the Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

 

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

 

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

 

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

 

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 20 2007, 02:38 PM)

Born a Baptist Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass and as the Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[Atomic.Feedback!]

Wait for it...

 

wait for it...

 

 

 

 

 

Two guys walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.

 

 

 

 

 

...bad joke, I know.

[Cygnus]

Dear Abby

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to

answer:

 

 

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

 

 

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

 

 

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.

 

 

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

 

 

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I believe him?

 

 

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home

turn against his own?

 

 

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

 

 

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half

years. He must be crazy.

 

 

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and hedid it.

 

 

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?

 

 

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my

husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?

[sundog]

QUOTE

>> >>Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was >>"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his >>room. >> >>"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad, >>can you help?" >> >>I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into >>his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, >>looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. >> >>"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" >> >>"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having >>babies." >> >>"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" >> >>I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we >>didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. >> >>"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she >>inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) >> >>"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,(in my >>most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). >> >>"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. >> >>By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. >>I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to >>be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the >>miracle of birth." >> >>"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. >> >>"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of >>tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think >>she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) >> >>We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a >>tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. >> >>"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," >>my wife whispered, horrified. >> >>"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. >> >>"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it >>next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several >>more times with the same results. >> >>"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they >>could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the >>females in my house?) >> >>"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with >>my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he >>urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. >>(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me >>is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) >> >>The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little >>animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a >>C-section?" I suggested scientifically. >> >>"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I >>speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to >>step outside. >> >>"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet >>assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER >>going to >> >>happen.. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And >>occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um.. >>..masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, >>glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." >> >>We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...excited, " >>my wife offered. >> >>"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. >>Then >> >>my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even >>laugh loudly. >> >>"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the >>woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless >>manliness. >> >>Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm >>picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for >>more air to bellow in laughter once more. >> >>"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled >>the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was >>going to be okay. >> >>"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told >>me. >> >>"Oh, you have NO idea," >> >>Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. >> >>2 - Lizards - $140... >>1 - Cage - $50... >>Trip to the Vet - $30... >>Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless! >> >>Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

[failte]

[Rolinda Bonz]

[blonde77th]

[Cygnus]

What did Geronimo say when he jumped off the cliff?

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Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

 

[Daylin]

[Cygnus]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/nuke.jpg

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 23 2007, 10:52 AM)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/nuke.jpg

 

You know with all the products out now, this goes to show how far they'll go

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

Probably gonna catch flak for this but here goes

 

 

A man was hanging around with his friends in a pub one night, and they all got to talking about the most amazing sexual experiences they'd ever had. They were all fairly similar until the last person began to talk. He spoke of this fantastic blow job he'd gotten the other day, and the woman who gave it to him.

 

He said that while she was attending to him, she began to sing this beautiful opera song, at the same time. Astounded, the man asked his friend where it was that he had experienced such a thing.

 

He was pointed to a brothel down the road a few miles, and upon receiving that information he left straight away. Once he'd gotten to the brothel, and paid his money for was his friend had touted as "The world's most interesting blow job" he made up his mind to get to the bottom of the prostitute's amazing ability.

 

He was told to go up the stairs to her room, and as he entered she told him to leave the lights off, so he did and she got to work on him.

 

He was in heaven! This really was the best BJ he had ever gotten, and to top it off, she was belting out the most wonderful opera song he had ever heard.

 

He remembered his decision, and just was he was about to finish up, he abruptly told her to stop, and flicked on the lights in time to catch her putting her glass eye back in...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let the groaning begin

[Cygnus]

OMG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good one

[sundog]

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening,

Jenny arrived home from work to find the

children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer

and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove,

and the table set.

She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said

wives who work at or away from home and had to

do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day, she told her

office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner.

Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their

homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really

enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that ... Ralph was too tired..."

 

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (sundog @ Feb 28 2007, 06:35 AM)

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work at or away from home and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that ... Ralph was too tired..."

 

[Arleen2112]

The Silent Treatment

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

 

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

 

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Arleen2112 @ Mar 1 2007, 12:58 PM)

The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

[ladirushfan80]

A young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of

an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of

live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with

complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's

watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take

one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,

"Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is

quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she

opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what

is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and

allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her

surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite

upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom

of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call

the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done

everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits

there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares

directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[CeeJ]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Mar 6 2007, 06:24 AM)

A young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"