The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[DonnaWanna]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched

>her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your

>control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept

>silent.

>

>The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts

>and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

>

>This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his

>privates. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed

>this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and

>your brother."

 

 

 

BURNNNNNNNNNNNN

[rickyrob]

QUOTE (sfuentes @ Feb 26 2005, 03:20 AM)

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Feb 25 2005, 11:54 PM) Eye Exam.... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/badeyes.gif An important thing to know in life... I can't read it...   Wazzit say?

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (rickyrob @ Feb 26 2005, 03:13 PM)

Today, a bank robbery in NYC was carried out by a gang of DOGS! They got away with more than $2m. .. .. police say that they already have a lead.

Holy sheep, Ricky!!! That one took me a second....

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man had a heavy sleep one night,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he woke up, his bed was broken....

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Subject: Airline Pilots

 

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the unions was hiring handicapped people. So the other day passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping a white cane.

 

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

 

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they are headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

 

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

 

Up front in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die...."

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

QUOTE (rickyrob @ Mar 2 2005, 02:21 AM)

QUOTE (sfuentes @ Feb 26 2005, 03:20 AM) QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Feb 25 2005, 11:54 PM) Eye Exam.... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/badeyes.gif An important thing to know in life... I can't read it...   Wazzit say? pull away from it and the words will appear......

[sundog]

I'M BLIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNDDD!!!!!

Eye Exam....hahahahahahhaha

 

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

THINGS TO PONDER.......

 

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

 

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

 

Is there another word for synonym?

 

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

 

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

 

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

 

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

 

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

 

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

 

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

 

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Mar 3 2005, 08:03 PM)

THINGS TO PONDER....... If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

That is farkin funny, Donna!!!

 

 

I must go out and get me a walk swatter.

[DonnaWanna]

http://starterupsteve.com/swf/mcdonalds_ebonics.html?

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

One of our local papers recently held a competition where people had to send in various puns. Apparently, one man was so eager to win that he submitted a total of ten. He felt that this would mean that one of them would wind but, sadly, no pun in ten did.

[Sark]

What would a joke thread be without some Yo' mamma jokes?

 

ok here goes.....Yo' mamma.....

 

 

 

is so skinny she could hula hoop with a cheerio.

 

is so small she could hang-glide on a Dorito.

 

has teeth that are so dirty, she could drink water and spit Yoo-Hoo.

 

is so fat she could have sex with King Kong if he gained a little weight and drastically lowered his standards.

 

is so fat every time she turns around she gets a welcome back party.

 

is so fat she could step on a quarter and make change.

 

is so dumb she bought tires for her menstrual cycle.

 

is so dumb she thought Abraham Lincoln was a jewish car dealership.

 

is so dumb when the movie said under 17 not admitted she left and came back with 16 friends

 

is so old she sat behind Moses in fourth grade.

 

is so short when she sits on a curb her legs dangle.

 

 

Feel free to add your own!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Chasartymac]

An man was touring Spain. One evening, after a long day

of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping

his sangria he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those

are Bull's testicles from the bull fight this afternoon. A delicacy!"

The man, though momentarily daunted when he learned the

origin of the dish said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There are only six

servings per day since there are only six bull fights. They sell out very quickly.

If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy".

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order and

later that evening was served the only remaining special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much,much smaller than

the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[Slaine mac Roth]

QUOTE (Chasartymac @ Mar 4 2005, 07:33 PM)

An man was touring Spain. One evening, after a long day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his sangria he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are Bull's testicles from the bull fight this afternoon. A delicacy!" The man, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There are only six servings per day since there are only six bull fights. They sell out very quickly. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy". The next morning, the man returned, placed his order and later that evening was served the only remaining special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much,much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[DonnaWanna]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers

and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says. "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait

for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[Drumnut]

Things Found Only In America

 

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

 

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

 

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

 

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

 

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

 

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

 

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

 

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

 

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Sark @ Mar 4 2005, 11:12 AM)

What would a joke thread be without some Yo' mamma jokes? ok here goes.....Yo' mamma..... is so skinny she could hula hoop with a cheerio. is so small she could hang-glide on a Dorito. has teeth that are so dirty, she could drink water and spit Yoo-Hoo. is so fat she could have sex with King Kong if he gained a little weight and drastically lowered his standards. is so fat every time she turns around she gets a welcome back party. is so fat she could step on a quarter and make change. is so dumb she bought tires for her menstrual cycle. is so dumb she thought Abraham Lincoln was a jewish car dealership. is so dumb when the movie said under 17 not admitted she left and came back with 16 friends is so old she sat behind Moses in fourth grade. is so short when she sits on a curb her legs dangle. Feel free to add your own!

Yo' mamma is so fat, she sat on a rainbow and Skittles popped out

[Slaine mac Roth]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v110/Jimyyz2112/Misc/catdog.jpg

[Cygnus]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into

>bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with

>an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of

>his bed.

>

>"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are

>you?" he asked.

>

>"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St.

Peter,

>and you are in heaven."

>

>"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too

>young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

>

>"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as

>a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

>

>Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being

>a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and

>relaxed life. ! Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

>

>"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

>

>And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,

>really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end

>was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

>

>"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he

>said. "How do you like being a hen?"

>

>"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to

>explode."

>

>"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation

going

>on. You need to lay an egg."

>

>"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

>

>"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

>

>Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and

>then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

>

>"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked

again

>and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet

>another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he

>heard his wife shout:

>

>"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over

>the bed!"

 

[Drumnut]

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.

 

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious John Kerry from the water.

 

Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

 

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you My blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

 

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

 

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."

 

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing...................how's the bait holding up?"

[Cygnus]

Father Explains Condoms to Son

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

 

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

 

Men use them to have safe sex."

 

"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

 

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

 

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

 

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

 

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

 

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

 

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[Cygnus]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/Tommy_Downey/BlondeKidnapper.jpg

[Rolinda Bonz]

For those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

 

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

 

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

 

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

 

"No Way!"

 

"Yes way!"

 

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

 

"Why"

 

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry!

 

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

 

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

 

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

 

"She started it!" Adam said

 

"Did not!"

 

"Did too!"

 

"DID NOT!"

 

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it

has never changed.

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

 

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

 

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

 

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

 

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

 

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

 

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

 

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

 

AND FINALLY:

 

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS

ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

 

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

 

 

 

[Drumnut]

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."

[Arndrake]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Wisconsin. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

 

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

 

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

 

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park.......... " then the electric power goes out.

 

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

 

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"