Joke Of The Day

[Lost In Xanadu]

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea??

 

 

 

A: A salad shooter

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Mar 4 2011, 08:05 AM)

A Texas cowboy who is visiting Wyoming walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Coors . He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Nice!

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Mar 4 2011, 10:05 AM)

A Texas cowboy who is visiting Wyoming walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Coors . He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[summer_sky]

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

 

The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.

 

Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.

 

The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.

 

He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.

 

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

 

"What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

 

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

[Babycat]

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Mar 5 2011, 01:37 PM)

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!" The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain. Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

[different.hearts]

The Titantic is sailing along happily when suddenly one of the passengers sees a large ball of light-coloured lettuce floating in the water. He rushes to the captain and says, "CAPTAIN! ICEBERG, A HEAD!"

--

Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?

To break on through to the other side

--

Two muffins are in the oven, and one of them says "Wow, it's really hot in here." The other one says "OH GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"

--

A plane crashes on a deserted island and the three survivors are stranded. A tribe captures them and the chief says, go into the jungle and find ten of the same fruit, then come back.

 

The first man goes out into the jungle, finds ten apples, and comes back. The chief says "You have to put all of these up your ass without making any sound or facial expression. If you do, I'll kill you. So the man gets to the second apple and starts crying, and the chief shoots him.

 

The second man comes back with grapes, he gets to nine grapes and starts laughing. The chief shoots him.

 

The first man and the second man meet in heaven and the first man says to the second man, "Why did you laugh? You were almost done!"

 

The second man says, "I saw the third guy coming in with pineapples."

Edited March 5, 2011 by different.hearts

[different.hearts]

A RUSH fan dies and goes to Heaven, where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter is in the middle of showing him around Heaven when the fan hears someone drumming just like Neil Peart. Aghast, he turns to St. Peter and asks, "Please don't tell me Neil Peart is dead!!!" St. Peter replies, "Oh, Neil's quite alive. That's God, who WISHES he could play like Neil Peart".

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (different.hearts @ Mar 5 2011, 11:34 AM)

A RUSH fan dies and goes to Heaven, where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter is in the middle of showing him around Heaven when the fan hears someone drumming just like Neil Peart. Aghast, he turns to St. Peter and asks, "Please don't tell me Neil Peart is dead!!!" St. Peter replies, "Oh, Neil's quite alive. That's God, who WISHES he could play like Neil Peart".

heheheee

 

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (different.hearts @ Mar 5 2011, 10:49 AM)

The Titantic is sailing along happily when suddenly one of the passengers sees a large ball of light-coloured lettuce floating in the water. He rushes to the captain and says, "CAPTAIN! ICEBERG, A HEAD!" -- Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side -- Two muffins are in the oven, and one of them says "Wow, it's really hot in here." The other one says "OH GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!" -- A plane crashes on a deserted island and the three survivors are stranded. A tribe captures them and the chief says, go into the jungle and find ten of the same fruit, then come back. The first man goes out into the jungle, finds ten apples, and comes back. The chief says "You have to put all of these up your ass without making any sound or facial expression. If you do, I'll kill you. So the man gets to the second apple and starts crying, and the chief shoots him. The second man comes back with grapes, he gets to nine grapes and starts laughing. The chief shoots him. The first man and the second man meet in heaven and the first man says to the second man, "Why did you laugh? You were almost done!" The second man says, "I saw the third guy coming in with pineapples."

good ones, different.hearts!

[Good,bad,andrush]

A man is waiting for his wife at home in his bedroom.

 

When she gets there, his wife immediately says, "take off my shirt."

 

The man smiles, and takes off her shirt.

 

"Now remove my bra," the wife says.

 

The man does so.

 

"Don't ever let me catch you wearing that again!"

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Good,bad,andrush @ Mar 6 2011, 12:01 AM)

A man is waiting for his wife at home in his bedroom. When she gets there, his wife immediately says, "take off my shirt." The man smiles, and takes off her shirt. "Now remove my bra," the wife says. The man does so. "Don't ever let me catch you wearing that again!"

[Babycat]

QUOTE (Good,bad,andrush @ Mar 6 2011, 07:01 AM)

A man is waiting for his wife at home in his bedroom. When she gets there, his wife immediately says, "take off my shirt." The man smiles, and takes off her shirt. "Now remove my bra," the wife says. The man does so. "Don't ever let me catch you wearing that again!"

[tel]

Two men in bed together,one turns to the other and says "i dont think a lot of this wife swapping,do you?"

[Jaye]

QUOTE (tel @ Mar 6 2011, 07:21 PM)

Two men in bed together,one turns to the other and says "i dont think a lot of this wife swapping,do you?"

[Babycat]

QUOTE (Jaye @ Mar 6 2011, 07:23 PM)

QUOTE (tel @ Mar 6 2011, 07:21 PM) Two men in bed together,one turns to the other and says "i dont think a lot of this wife swapping,do you?"

[Jaye]

What do you get if you play a blues record backwards?

 

You get released from jail, your wife returns to you and your dog comes back to life!

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (Jaye @ Mar 6 2011, 05:25 PM)

What do you get if you play a blues record backwards? You get released from jail, your wife returns to you and your dog comes back to life!

[tel]

QUOTE (Jaye @ Mar 6 2011, 05:25 PM)

What do you get if you play a blues record backwards? You get released from jail, your wife returns to you and your dog comes back to life!

its funny cos its true! the most miserable genre ever

[HuskyRunner]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big, burly, ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night Bob sat up and watched me all night.'

 

 

[HuskyRunner]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

 

[Good,bad,andrush]

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Mar 9 2011, 11:30 AM)

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[sullysue]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

[sullysue]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

[sullysue]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

[sullysue]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.