Joke Of The Day

[1 of the 7]

What did one snowman say to the other?

 

*sniffing* "You smell carrots"?

[Good,bad,andrush]

A father hears weird noises coming from his son's room. As he walks closer, the father hears, "baby, baby, baby, oh!"

Disappointed, the father knocks on the door and says, "son, are you listening to Justin Bieber?"

The son turns, frightened, as his dad opens the door.

"Oh, thank God," the father says. "You're watching porn."

Edited February 23, 2011 by Good,bad,andrush

[summer_sky]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light through the intersection.

 

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

 

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

 

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

 

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

 

 

[HuskyRunner]

A man had settled in next to the window on the plane when another man took the aisle seat and then put a very large black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to him.

The first man looked quizzically at the dog and asked why a dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained he was from the DEA and his dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Nosey and he's the best there is. Watch what he can do once we get airborne.'

The plane took off and leveled out. The Agent told Nosey, 'Search.'

The big Lab jumped down, walked the aisle, stopped, and sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Then, the dog returned to his seat and put one paw on the Agent's forearm.

The Agent turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana. I make note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the man.

Again, the Agent sent the Nosey to search the aisles. The dog sniffed about, and quickly sat down beside a man for a few seconds, then returned to it's seat. The Lab placed two paws on the Agent's arm.

The Agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine.'

'How about that!' said the man.

The Agent again sent Nosey to search. The dog was just about finished moving up and down every aisles, sat down for a brief moment, and then raced back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat, and proceeded to pee and crap all over it.

The first man was shocked by the disgusting sight and smell. He shouted, 'What the hell is going on ?'

The Agent nervously whispered, 'He's just found a bomb.

 

 

[Principled Man]

QUOTE (summer_sky @ Feb 23 2011, 09:43 AM)

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

+100

[summer_sky]

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 23 2011, 11:04 AM)

A man had settled in next to the window on the plane when another man took the aisle seat and then put a very large black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to him. The first man looked quizzically at the dog and asked why a dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained he was from the DEA and his dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Nosey and he's the best there is. Watch what he can do once we get airborne.' The plane took off and leveled out. The Agent told Nosey, 'Search.' The big Lab jumped down, walked the aisle, stopped, and sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Then, the dog returned to his seat and put one paw on the Agent's forearm. The Agent turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana. I make note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.' 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the man. Again, the Agent sent the Nosey to search the aisles. The dog sniffed about, and quickly sat down beside a man for a few seconds, then returned to it's seat. The Lab placed two paws on the Agent's arm. The Agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine.' 'How about that!' said the man. The Agent again sent Nosey to search. The dog was just about finished moving up and down every aisles, sat down for a brief moment, and then raced back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat, and proceeded to pee and crap all over it. The first man was shocked by the disgusting sight and smell. He shouted, 'What the hell is going on ?' The Agent nervously whispered, 'He's just found a bomb.

[Queen of Megadon]

QUOTE (Good,bad,andrush @ Feb 22 2011, 11:44 PM)

A father hears weird noises coming from his son's room. As he walks closer, the father hears, "baby, baby, baby, oh!" Disappointed, the father knocks on the door and says, "son, are you listening to Justin Bieber?" The son turns, frightened, as his dad opens the door. "Oh, thank God," the father says. "You're watching porn."

I'm totally stealing this for FB

[Digital Man]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

 

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life

span of twenty years.'

 

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

 

So God agreed.

 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

 

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

 

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back

ten like the Dog did?'

 

And God agreed.

 

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

 

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

 

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

 

And God agreed again.

 

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

 

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

 

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

 

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

 

[summer_sky]

Good one, Digital Man!

[summer_sky]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[HuskyRunner]

[Babycat]

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo

 

 

[HuskyRunner]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments" answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

 

[summer_sky]

[summer_sky]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

 

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

 

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

 

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

 

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

 

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

[Babycat]

QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 25 2011, 02:20 PM)

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments" answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Principled Man]

The UPS carrier brought the package up to the door, rang the doorbell, and waited. The door opened, and a rather scruffy-looking kid appeared.

 

"Hi there, young man. Is your mother home? I need her to sign for this package."

 

"She's kind of busy," the boy replied. "She's screwing the sheep."

 

Rather taken aback, the UPS carrier said, "OK, that's not really funny. Could you get her please? I need her signature."

 

"I told you, sir." The boy insisted. "She's screwing the sheep."

 

The UPS carrier had enough. "OK, could you take me to her, please? I really need to get going."

 

The boy led him through the house and out the kitchen door, and sure enough, there were sheep in the back yard, and a woman was having sex with the ram.

 

"MY GOD!!" The UPS carrier gasped. "Young man, doesn't it bother you that your mother's doing that?"

 

The boy shrugged his shoulders and said, "NA-A-A-A-A-A....."

[HuskyRunner]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

 

 

[summer_sky]

*groan* that's bad!!

[HuskyRunner]

[summer_sky]

Edited February 28, 2011 by summer_sky

[summer_sky]

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

 

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

 

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

 

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

 

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

 

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

[HuskyRunner]

[Babycat]

[HuskyRunner]

A Texas cowboy who is visiting Wyoming walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Coors . He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."