theredtamasrule Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 QUOTE (summer_sky @ Feb 16 2011, 10:16 AM)"People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones." * groan * Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILSnwdog Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? GGGLLLGGGCCJJGGG (gagging sound ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 QUOTE (ILSnwdog @ Feb 16 2011, 01:33 PM) What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? GGGLLLGGGCCJJGGG (gagging sound ) *pummels ILSnwdog with rotten fruit from audience* that's terrible!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILSnwdog Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 QUOTE (summer_sky @ Feb 16 2011, 01:35 PM) QUOTE (ILSnwdog @ Feb 16 2011, 01:33 PM) What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? GGGLLLGGGCCJJGGG (gagging sound ) *pummels ILSnwdog with rotten fruit from audience* that's terrible!! Terribly funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theredtamasrule Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jkt2112 Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 A soon to be divorced man is walking alone along the beach and comes across a golden lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. A genie pops out and says he has three wishes; however, whatever he wishes for, his estranged wife gets double. So he thinks about for a minute or two and then begins. For his first wish, he says, "I would like $10 million." Poof, a huge pile of bills appears. At the same time, his wife gets $20 million. Then he says, "For my second wish, I would like a 10,000 square foot mansion overlooking the ocean with nothing but the finest furniture and finishes." Poof, he is the proud owner of such a property. At the same time, his wife get 2. Finally the man says, "For my third wish, I want you to beat me half to death"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jkt2112 Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 What do you call the guy who hangs around with 4 musicians? The drummer... What does a drummer say when he knocks on your door? Domino's... How do you know a drummer is knocking on your door? He rushes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuskyRunner Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 A customer asked the clerk, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? " Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowItIs Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 How about a few Jewish haiku? Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done Beyond Valium, the peace of knowing one's child is an internist. Jewish triathlon-- gin rummy, then contract bridge, followed by a nap. Today, mild shvitzing. Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz. Five-day forecast--feh Left the door open. for the Prophet Elijah. Now our cat is gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Ten Thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska. They hadn't actually intended to do this. They got lost and couldn't get their Berings Strait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vital signz Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 QUOTE (Show Don't Tell @ Feb 12 2011, 08:53 AM) Q: What's the difference between country players and jazz players? A: Country players play three chords in front of a thousand people, and jazz players play a thousand chords in front of three people. Now that's funny!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILSnwdog Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 What do you get when you stand a blond on her head? A brunette with bad breath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILSnwdog Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Did you hear about the new French battle tank? It has a special transmission with 3 forward gears and 7 reverse gears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri." "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuskyRunner Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'A couple of minutes ago.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 18 2011, 09:39 AM) A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'A couple of minutes ago.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuskyRunner Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.' The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says the man. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'Yes, she has,' says the man. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. "We're getting countertops.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iluvgeddy05 Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 18 2011, 03:42 PM) A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.' The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says the man. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'Yes, she has,' says the man. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. "We're getting countertops.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babycat Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 18 2011, 02:39 PM) A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'A couple of minutes ago.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babycat Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 QUOTE (HuskyRunner @ Feb 18 2011, 08:42 PM) A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.' The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says the man. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'Yes, she has,' says the man. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. "We're getting countertops.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babycat Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 I decided to go to the pet shop to buy my kids an angel fish & the owner asked me if I wanted an aquarium. I said: Look, the fish's starsign isn't important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 QUOTE (Babycat @ Feb 19 2011, 11:56 AM) I decided to go to the pet shop to buy my kids an angel fish & the owner asked me if I wanted an aquarium. I said: Look, the fish's starsign isn't important. heheheheheheee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuskyRunner Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 A customer asked the clerk, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? " Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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