A discussion on the effects of abuse

[RealAir]

I saw a TV ad today, about domestic/child abuse, and I ended up thinking about the effects of abuse on people.

 

I will first say that I myself was abused by my step-dad, over the course of about a 5 year period. I recall one incident in which, in a druken stupor, he punched me and then threw me clear across my room, in front of several of my friends. There were many many other incidents, but that one seems to stick in my head. I don't quite even know why, considering that the physical damage inflicted was less severe than other times. Most likely it was the humiliation of being completely physically defeated in front of my friends - who very quickly left after that incident. Other incidents occurred, and I did on certain occasions really hit rock bottom. To be blunt, life was shit.

And nobody knew. With the exception of the people who were there that time, nobody else knew about any of it. Not my friends, my father, nobody. My mother may have, but considering that she was also abused by my step-dad, there wasn't much she was in a position to do either.

 

However, taking a look at me today, I'd say I turned out fairly alright. I don't suffer from any kind of psychiatric problems, apart from my somewhat quirky, zany sense of humour. I'd say in my own personal experience that I learned a lot from my experiences. I knew how I didn't want to turn out. Even the thought of taking out anger on somebody in an abusive fashion is repulsive.

I can't say how I would react if I was confronted with him today - because I don't know. A large part of me would be tempted to try and take him on - but a larger part I think would see that as being a very weak thing to do. Speaking of weakness, that is the one thing I can assure you:

He may well have possessed much more physical strength, but the fact that he needed to get drunk and/or hurt people to make himself feel like a man says more about his mental strength than anything else. He was a weak man.

 

Today, I'm in a relationship with a girl whom I care very very much about, I've had a successful education so far, and I have a good deal of experience as a Corporal in the Air Training Corps (kind of similar to the US ROTC program in some aspects, except that it is not a direct recruiting tool) and since moving away from my abuser, I have really become my own person. And in general, I am happy with my life.

My point is that when dealing with something like abuse, you are left with two choices - wallow in self pity, or get on with life and try to put it behind you.

Now, of course, when the abuse gets to a much more serious level, I can't really comment, because I was never, say, sexually abused or anything - so I don't feel I am qualified to make any comment on the recovery process for that.

It's not an easy thing to forget, being abused, and it lingered in my memory for some time afterwards - but like I say, it is just a case of carrying on. Personally, I do not feel I would be quite the same person I am today had I not experienced that - I do not think I would have the same mental strength as I do now. I am not saying abuse is a positive thing - it is very negative. I am lucky though, that I am able to take away positive life lessons from it.

 

Anyway, that's my 2p (or whatever currency you prefer)

 

Stuart

[nettiesaur]

some people are resilient, and carry on.

Some are so psychologically damaged, that they aren't capable of a normal life.

Some try to have a normal life and end up in the hands of another abuser.

I guess I'm lucky, I'm one of the resilient ones.

[Mara]

QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Aug 28 2008, 09:33 PM)

some people are resilient, and carry on. Some are so psychologically damaged, that they aren't capable of a normal life. Some try to have a normal life and end up in the hands of another abuser. I guess I'm lucky, I'm one of the resilient ones.

And some end up as abusers themselves. It's a terrible, self-perpetuating cycle in so many cases.

 

I'm happy to know that Nettie and Stuart found the inner strength to overcome it and break the cycle.

[moltenlava]

Stu, so sorry to hear that you had to suffer through that period of your life. I had no idea, bro. But, you seem to be a tough-minded kid with tons of resiliency. Main thing is that you are completely out of that situation with no chance of returning. Gald to hear that you are safe, and at the moment, gracing us with your presence.

 

 

[jkt2112]

Wow!!! That is a heavy post...

 

Great that you have seem to come out of it with your head screwed on right.

 

It is times like these where I look to Rafiki from the Lion King.

 

He was fond of saying, "That was in the past..."

 

Sometimes the past sucks...the measure of the person is what happens after...

 

 

Break the chain!!!

[Maestro]

QUOTE (RealAir @ Aug 28 2008, 06:19 PM)

I saw a TV ad today, about domestic/child abuse, and I ended up thinking about the effects of abuse on people. I will first say that I myself was abused by my step-dad, over the course of about a 5 year period. I recall one incident in which, in a druken stupor, he punched me and then threw me clear across my room, in front of several of my friends. There were many many other incidents, but that one seems to stick in my head. I don't quite even know why, considering that the physical damage inflicted was less severe than other times. Most likely it was the humiliation of being completely physically defeated in front of my friends - who very quickly left after that incident. Other incidents occurred, and I did on certain occasions really hit rock bottom. To be blunt, life was shit. And nobody knew. With the exception of the people who were there that time, nobody else knew about any of it. Not my friends, my father, nobody. My mother may have, but considering that she was also abused by my step-dad, there wasn't much she was in a position to do either. However, taking a look at me today, I'd say I turned out fairly alright. I don't suffer from any kind of psychiatric problems, apart from my somewhat quirky, zany sense of humour. I'd say in my own personal experience that I learned a lot from my experiences. I knew how I didn't want to turn out. Even the thought of taking out anger on somebody in an abusive fashion is repulsive. I can't say how I would react if I was confronted with him today - because I don't know. A large part of me would be tempted to try and take him on - but a larger part I think would see that as being a very weak thing to do. Speaking of weakness, that is the one thing I can assure you: He may well have possessed much more physical strength, but the fact that he needed to get drunk and/or hurt people to make himself feel like a man says more about his mental strength than anything else. He was a weak man. Today, I'm in a relationship with a girl whom I care very very much about, I've had a successful education so far, and I have a good deal of experience as a Corporal in the Air Training Corps (kind of similar to the US ROTC program in some aspects, except that it is not a direct recruiting tool) and since moving away from my abuser, I have really become my own person. And in general, I am happy with my life. My point is that when dealing with something like abuse, you are left with two choices - wallow in self pity, or get on with life and try to put it behind you. Now, of course, when the abuse gets to a much more serious level, I can't really comment, because I was never, say, sexually abused or anything - so I don't feel I am qualified to make any comment on the recovery process for that. It's not an easy thing to forget, being abused, and it lingered in my memory for some time afterwards - but like I say, it is just a case of carrying on. Personally, I do not feel I would be quite the same person I am today had I not experienced that - I do not think I would have the same mental strength as I do now. I am not saying abuse is a positive thing - it is very negative. I am lucky though, that I am able to take away positive life lessons from it. Anyway, that's my 2p (or whatever currency you prefer) Stuart

ORQ:

 

 

When the world is looking dark

We're the one's who have to shine.

When there's noone in control

We're the ones who draw the line.

 

Though we live in trying times

We're the ones who have to try.

Though we know that time has wings

We're the ones who have to fly,

 

No matter what they say.

 

 

III.

[Mara]

QUOTE (Maestro @ Aug 29 2008, 02:28 AM)

ORQ: When the world is looking dark We're the one's who have to shine. When there's noone in control We're the ones who draw the line. Though we live in trying times We're the ones who have to try. Though we know that time has wings We're the ones who have to fly, No matter what they say. III.

Perfect. I happen to love 'Everyday Glory' - that verse in particular is one of my favorites.

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Marathonist @ Aug 29 2008, 04:53 AM)

QUOTE (Maestro @ Aug 29 2008, 02:28 AM) ORQ: When the world is looking dark We're the one's who have to shine. When there's noone in control We're the ones who draw the line. Though we live in trying times We're the ones who have to try. Though we know that time has wings We're the ones who have to fly, No matter what they say. III. Perfect. I happen to love 'Everyday Glory' - that verse in particular is one of my favorites. Yup, that song hit me in a very sensitive place when I first heard it. I was moved to tears, and I was listening to it with some friends... That was rough.     I can relate to the little girl in the song. My mother had a bad drinking problem, so I was exposed to her intoxicated wraths.   We now have patched things up, and I am living a pretty normal life considering things 3 or so years ago were REALLY rough for me. I refuse to let my past dictate my future.   I cry for the little baby girl that I used to be sometimes, but thats as far as I let it go. I cry for the little kids and babies that are at the merciless hands of adults nowadays...   My heart goes out to them.

[circumstantial tree]

When my father would start drinking, he would often get verbally abusive to my mother and sometimes me.

 

Having friends over? It would have been embarrassing.

 

He wasn't always that way though. He was a successful life insurance salesman and we lived pretty good for number of years. Then he started hanging out with all the wrong people. He stopped working and lost a lot of clients.

 

He's sober nowadays thanks to a Christian rehabilitation center in the western part of the state.

 

My mother has remarried as has my father. Both marriages are fine now.

[TwoOneOneTwo]

Stuart...

 

 

My mother beat the hell out of me for years; my father was a battered husband as well. She was an animal---one time, she got me in the thigh with a steak knife and carved up my father's arm with a broken shard of porcelain, all on that same awful night in November, 1976.

 

I've got some mental scars, but there are not too many some thirty years later. Time and love---specifically, loving yourself---can heal the abuse.

[Ghost of a Rider]

I know whereof you speak my friend, I was abused by my mother. My dad seemed to think it was because they had three kids in three years and it was hard on my mother. I was the third of the three (there were six of us altogether and later a step brother and half brother and sister) so I got the brunt of the effects of the stress. She developed mental problems later on such as depression and schizophrenia. Though whether it was triggered by the stress of the three babies, no one's sure.

Since I was pretty much the only one being spanked and disciplined all the time my older brother and sisters thought it was the thing to do so they would beat on me from time to time as well. It got so bad that my dad finally just had to get me out of the house. I spent a good portion of my childhood living with family friends, relatives and grandparents. One of my sisters once asked my dad when I was coming back home and he retorted: "What the hell do you want him back for? All you guys do is beat up on him."

 

I don't hold anything against my siblings and in fact we're all pretty close. I don't hold anything against my mother either as I am aware that she was mentally ill. But I won't deny that it left scars. As a result of the abuse I was never able to develop any real feelings for my mother and felt virtually nothing when she died. I didn't hate her and I no longer resented her but when your mother inspires constant fear and dread in you, there's not much room left for love to grow.

Also as a result of the abuse I have a difficult time connecting with people on a fundamental level. I make friends easily enough but at the same time I keep them at arm's length and remain emotionally distant. I guess I have this constant underlying fear that they will reject me at some point and on some level so if I don't allow myself to become too vulnerable it won't be as painful.

 

Welp, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

[gleamingalloyaircar81]

Wow man I feel your pain, I really do. I have been abused physically by my father for about 4 months now. My mom verbally abuses me on top of it. The thing that really hurts me is that they express their hatred of me and their love of my sisters.

 

My dad hasnt ever done anything to me in front of anyone other than my mom and sisters because he doesnt want this to be found out for obvious reasons. My dad will just go all out on me about once a week. He hasnt done it for about 9 days so hopefully its stopped. I have Epilepsy and when my dad punches me in the face it almost always causes 2 seizures that night from the head injuries I sustain. One time about a month ago I was on the phone with a friend and my dad was pissed and came in at 2am and kicked my ass. That was very embarassing.

 

My parents won't get me the medical attention that I need for Bipolar Disorder and Epilepsy so I live without meds that could really help me. Plus I get enough shit at school and then to come home to a place where I get even more, which makes my stress go through the roof. Theres one particular memory that sticks in my mind. I was on the phone with a friend when my dad came in and punched me in the face. That caused about 4 seizures in an hour that night and 2 of those seizures I fell and hit my head. One of those my head smashed open and I couldnt move off the floor for about 20 minutes. That was the scariest thing I've ever experienced.

 

I'm currently working on trying to patch my relationship with my parents up so that these next 2 years before college will go as smoothly as possible. I have a strong belief that there is good in EVERY situation. We just have to look hard enough to see it. The good in this is that I will learn exactly what NOT to do to my kids and I will become a great father. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive them but one thing is for certain, I will be mentally scarred for a very long time I fear. I'm confident that I can get this stopped before Christmas.

 

Now I know this will sound crazy but I refuse to get police involved because it would actually make this worse for me. And I almost always just stand up and take it from him. Only once have I ever retalliated against him. Its definitely something I regret doing.

 

My deepest sympathy and condolences to those that have been through this or are going through this. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

-Taylor

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (gleamingalloyaircar81 @ Aug 29 2008, 07:44 PM)

Wow man I feel your pain, I really do. I have been abused physically by my father for about 4 months now. My mom verbally abuses me on top of it. The thing that really hurts me is that they express their hatred of me and their love of my sisters. My dad hasnt ever done anything to me in front of anyone other than my mom and sisters because he doesnt want this to be found out for obvious reasons. My dad will just go all out on me about once a week. He hasnt done it for about 9 days so hopefully its stopped. I have Epilepsy and when my dad punches me in the face it almost always causes 2 seizures that night from the head injuries I sustain. One time about a month ago I was on the phone with a friend and my dad was pissed and came in at 2am and kicked my ass. That was very embarassing. My parents won't get me the medical attention that I need for Bipolar Disorder and Epilepsy so I live without meds that could really help me. Plus I get enough shit at school and then to come home to a place where I get even more, which makes my stress go through the roof. Theres one particular memory that sticks in my mind. I was on the phone with a friend when my dad came in and punched me in the face. That caused about 4 seizures in an hour that night and 2 of those seizures I fell and hit my head. One of those my head smashed open and I couldnt move off the floor for about 20 minutes. That was the scariest thing I've ever experienced. I'm currently working on trying to patch my relationship with my parents up so that these next 2 years before college will go as smoothly as possible. I have a strong belief that there is good in EVERY situation. We just have to look hard enough to see it. The good in this is that I will learn exactly what NOT to do to my kids and I will become a great father. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive them but one thing is for certain, I will be mentally scarred for a very long time I fear. I'm confident that I can get this stopped before Christmas. Now I know this will sound crazy but I refuse to get police involved because it would actually make this worse for me. And I almost always just stand up and take it from him. Only once have I ever retalliated against him. Its definitely something I regret doing. My deepest sympathy and condolences to those that have been through this or are going through this. Thanks for letting me vent. -Taylor

This saddens me deeply. They are your parents, and should care for you, and you shouldn't be doing all the work to try and patch things up. You should never have a need to patch things up like that. You are a child, they are supposed to be your care takers. Unconditionally.

[nettiesaur]

Taylor, as I said last night, you don't have to endure this.

There is help( and for any other young person in this kind of situation), all you have to do it report it to someone you trust.

[Xanadu93]

QUOTE (gleamingalloyaircar81 @ Aug 29 2008, 10:44 PM)

Wow man I feel your pain, I really do. I have been abused physically by my father for about 4 months now. My mom verbally abuses me on top of it. The thing that really hurts me is that they express their hatred of me and their love of my sisters. My dad hasnt ever done anything to me in front of anyone other than my mom and sisters because he doesnt want this to be found out for obvious reasons. My dad will just go all out on me about once a week. He hasnt done it for about 9 days so hopefully its stopped. I have Epilepsy and when my dad punches me in the face it almost always causes 2 seizures that night from the head injuries I sustain. One time about a month ago I was on the phone with a friend and my dad was pissed and came in at 2am and kicked my ass. That was very embarassing. My parents won't get me the medical attention that I need for Bipolar Disorder and Epilepsy so I live without meds that could really help me. Plus I get enough shit at school and then to come home to a place where I get even more, which makes my stress go through the roof. Theres one particular memory that sticks in my mind. I was on the phone with a friend when my dad came in and punched me in the face. That caused about 4 seizures in an hour that night and 2 of those seizures I fell and hit my head. One of those my head smashed open and I couldnt move off the floor for about 20 minutes. That was the scariest thing I've ever experienced. I'm currently working on trying to patch my relationship with my parents up so that these next 2 years before college will go as smoothly as possible. I have a strong belief that there is good in EVERY situation. We just have to look hard enough to see it. The good in this is that I will learn exactly what NOT to do to my kids and I will become a great father. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive them but one thing is for certain, I will be mentally scarred for a very long time I fear. I'm confident that I can get this stopped before Christmas. Now I know this will sound crazy but I refuse to get police involved because it would actually make this worse for me. And I almost always just stand up and take it from him. Only once have I ever retalliated against him. Its definitely something I regret doing. My deepest sympathy and condolences to those that have been through this or are going through this. Thanks for letting me vent. -Taylor

I'm sorry to hear about this, Taylor. You're a great kid and shouldn't have to go through this kind of treatment, especially from your parents. Remember that you've still got all of your friends here on TRF who love ya.

[TwoOneOneTwo]

QUOTE (gleamingalloyaircar81 @ Aug 29 2008, 08:44 PM)

Wow man I feel your pain, I really do. I have been abused physically by my father for about 4 months now. My mom verbally abuses me on top of it. The thing that really hurts me is that they express their hatred of me and their love of my sisters. My dad hasnt ever done anything to me in front of anyone other than my mom and sisters because he doesnt want this to be found out for obvious reasons. My dad will just go all out on me about once a week. He hasnt done it for about 9 days so hopefully its stopped. I have Epilepsy and when my dad punches me in the face it almost always causes 2 seizures that night from the head injuries I sustain. One time about a month ago I was on the phone with a friend and my dad was pissed and came in at 2am and kicked my ass. That was very embarassing. My parents won't get me the medical attention that I need for Bipolar Disorder and Epilepsy so I live without meds that could really help me. Plus I get enough shit at school and then to come home to a place where I get even more, which makes my stress go through the roof. Theres one particular memory that sticks in my mind. I was on the phone with a friend when my dad came in and punched me in the face. That caused about 4 seizures in an hour that night and 2 of those seizures I fell and hit my head. One of those my head smashed open and I couldnt move off the floor for about 20 minutes. That was the scariest thing I've ever experienced. I'm currently working on trying to patch my relationship with my parents up so that these next 2 years before college will go as smoothly as possible. I have a strong belief that there is good in EVERY situation. We just have to look hard enough to see it. The good in this is that I will learn exactly what NOT to do to my kids and I will become a great father. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive them but one thing is for certain, I will be mentally scarred for a very long time I fear. I'm confident that I can get this stopped before Christmas. Now I know this will sound crazy but I refuse to get police involved because it would actually make this worse for me. And I almost always just stand up and take it from him. Only once have I ever retalliated against him. Its definitely something I regret doing. My deepest sympathy and condolences to those that have been through this or are going through this. Thanks for letting me vent. -Taylor

Honey, I feel so awful reading this...back when I was a kid, basically no one would believe that kids were abused. Have you thought about contacting Social Services?

 

We love you here and I know no one wants you to suffer. I am so sorry you have had to go through such hell.

 

And Stu--if you're reading this, too--surely Scotland has some version of Social Services that can intercede on behalf of a minor's welfare. Would you consider contacting them?

[Maestro]

QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Aug 30 2008, 10:28 AM)

Taylor, as I said last night, you don't have to endure this. There is help( and for any other young person in this kind of situation), all you have to do it report it to someone you trust.

I'd hoped you'd seen this, Nettie.

 

Good, sound advice.

[Fridge]

You know, I was going to contribute to this thread, but some things are just too painful to talk about, even nearly thirty years later.

 

I think I'll just let these old ghosts lie. Better that way........

 

[RealAir]

QUOTE (Imperatrix @ Aug 30 2008, 10:35 PM)

And Stu--if you're reading this, too--surely Scotland has some version of Social Services that can intercede on behalf of a minor's welfare. Would you consider contacting them?

Hey Tasia

 

Yeah, there is a rough equivelant to the Social Services here, but I see no need to contact them. I haven't seen the guy in nearly 7 years, I have no idea where he is, and basically I've moved on from that.

 

Cheers,

Stuart

[Fridge]

QUOTE (RealAir @ Aug 31 2008, 12:02 PM)

QUOTE (Imperatrix @ Aug 30 2008, 10:35 PM) And Stu--if you're reading this, too--surely Scotland has some version of Social Services that can intercede on behalf of a minor's welfare.  Would you consider contacting them? Hey Tasia   Yeah, there is a rough equivelant to the Social Services here, but I see no need to contact them. I haven't seen the guy in nearly 7 years, I have no idea where he is, and basically I've moved on from that.   Cheers, Stuart Don't be too sure mate.   Although I won't elaborate on my own experiences here, I certainly wish that I had confided or sought help when much younger.   These scars can live with you for much, much longer than you think and have a nasty way of resurfacing many years later.   Trust me, I know what I am talking about. I wish I didn't.   Better to try and deal with it now with adequate support than to soldier on without it. Burying proplems is not moving on (again, I really know what I am talking about)   Take the advice of someone who has been there and made the wrong choices.....

[RealAir]

QUOTE (Fridge @ Aug 31 2008, 12:17 PM)

QUOTE (RealAir @ Aug 31 2008, 12:02 PM) QUOTE (Imperatrix @ Aug 30 2008, 10:35 PM) And Stu--if you're reading this, too--surely Scotland has some version of Social Services that can intercede on behalf of a minor's welfare.  Would you consider contacting them? Hey Tasia   Yeah, there is a rough equivelant to the Social Services here, but I see no need to contact them. I haven't seen the guy in nearly 7 years, I have no idea where he is, and basically I've moved on from that.   Cheers, Stuart Don't be too sure mate.   Although I won't elaborate on my own experiences here, I certainly wish that I had confided or sought help when much younger.   These scars can live with you for much, much longer than you think and have a nasty way of resurfacing many years later.   Trust me, I know what I am talking about. I wish I didn't.   Better to try and deal with it now with adequate support than to soldier on without it. Burying proplems is not moving on (again, I really know what I am talking about)   Take the advice of someone who has been there and made the wrong choices..... I mean it - I'm genuinely alright. The only reason I posted the original was because I was in a very thoughtful mood - it's not something that enters my mind on any kind of regular basis - I just kinda dredged it up this time because I was in one of those weird thoughtful moods - which was sparked by that advert I saw. I've got life good just now - the last thing I want to add to my otherwise busy life is somebody trying to get me to get over something which I am already over. Thanks all the same though. Stuart