RushGoober!

[H. P. L.]

The Yukon Blade Grinder Europe

 

The Quest for Captain LeComte

 

Finale: Resurrection and Death in Berlin

 

 

 

Chapter 1: Back from the brink

Conscience, the structure of the mind, comes back through hearing. I recognize the song playing, therefore I am. It's this song. (Alyson Moyet's Love Resurrection, I'm skipping the YT links not to make this too heavy)

 

Great, I think, God is a nostalgic. Or maybe I'm in hell, and hell is a 1985 suburbia disco where the Devil is the resident DJ. But then the song changes and becomes this one. (The Cult's Resurrection Joe)

 

I open my eyes and what I see is the face of "Big Guy" Francis Bergoglio, the Pope himself, smiling down on me. Holy f*ck, Francis is God! Who would have thought that!

"Good to have you back, my friend!" says Francis.

"What the..." says I.

"We had to zap you back in time, using the Interdimensional Vortex, in order to save you".

The Interdimensional Vortex, the Vatican secret Time Machine built with Megadonian technology! The very same device the Vatican has been using all this time to prevent Rushgoober from posting his 30.000 post on TRF.

"So I'm back in 1965?".

"No need for that. You're just back to before your trip to Greece. I hope you have learned a valuable lesson there, my friend".

"Yes. Never try to impress girls with Neal Peart's lyrics!".

"Well, that too!" replies Francis.

As I get up, I notice Knowitally and Nerdy, two of the dwarfs scientists that make up the bulk of the Pope SS, the Vatican secret science team. They give me a quick hello. We are in a metal structure, certainly not in the catacombs of Rome. Where am I?

I go to a window and see the vast emptiness of Alexanderplatz below me. Now I know. I am in the Fernsehturm, the world-famous East Berlin tower with a steel ball on top. Francis has a time machine hidden in the Fernseturm? Jesus, how cool is this guy?

 

http://www.morton.it/photos/2009/200908%20-%20Germany,%20Berlin%20%28Holiday%29/Exported/024%20-%20Germany,%20Berlin%20%28Fernseturm%20TV%20Tower%29.jpg

 

But surprises are not over, when a door slides and in come... the YBG-Men! Umberto Eco "Brainman", Luca Turilli "Emerald Dragon", Rocco Siffredi "King Dick" and Monica Bellucci "Toots"! Hugs follow, especially with Monica.

"Good to have you back, boss!" says Rocco.

"Why are you guys here? You were on the heels of the Black Dwarf!".

"That's why we're here. He's in Berlin!"

Holierthanthouy, the renegade dwarf of the Pope SS who has been seduced by the dark lures of Goober-Pantheism, a new religion of which he has appointed himself the sole prophet, calling himself The Black Dwarf! A tiny man with great mental power and greater ego, it seems.

"And he's not the only one" quips Francis. "Your man, Captain Le Comte, is in town!".

"Ethan Hawke is here?".

"Yes, shooting the sequel to Getaway".

"Don't tell me he's saddened again with Selena Gomez!".

"Afraid so".

Selena Gomez again. Crap. At least hope the car is cool.

"This can't be a coincidence, boss" says Eco.

 

Chapter 2: Back in black

There's no better town in early spring than Berlin.

The streets, the light, the trees, the people... it's almost like you can soak it all in and feel a better person.

That's what Hollywood seems to think too, probably, since they chose the capital to shoot the second part of Z-level car movie Getaway (stealing the title from the galactically superior Sam Peckinpah's classic). But like with Christopher Lee, everything with Ethan Hawke in it is worth watching. Even if it co-stars - urgh - Selena Gomez.

 

http://www.thaidvd.biz/images/d5_getaway_2013.jpg

 

Entering a movie set can be nearly impossible, but with Monica Bellucci on your team, all gates open. Here we are on the Unter den Linden, one of the most beautiful streets in the world, side by side with the director (a nobody), a scintillating ultra-cool Ford Mustang and him: the man I've been looking for all this time. Ethan Hawke, actor extraordinaire and, secretly, the leader of a renegade group of aliens from Megadon, who fled to Earth in the early 80s from their mothership Bub-Bah, in the orbit of Mars. Captain LeComte.

 

But before I can utter a word, chaos erupts on the set! Selena Gomez appears, a gun in her hand.

"I sense mind control, boss!" says Brainman.

Mind control? On Selena Gomez?

"It's him, the little fella!!" shouts Rocco. And indeed it's him, the Black Dwarf, towering in all his might (well, ok...) from the cupola of the Berliner Dom! And now... he flies! He floats in the air like a weightless turd, draped in his brown cape that he probably stole from Messiah Marcolin...

"KILL THEM MY PET! KILL THEM ALL!" he shouts.

Damn, I've been resurrected by Francis only to be offed by Selena Gomez? Somewhere Goober must be laughing his hairy ass off...

 

Chapter 3: Falling from grace

But hope is never lost! The loud noise of an engine stretched to the limit fills the air. Up from the Spree rises the lone figure of a biker! He's dressed in leather and rides a Yamaha SR 500! And with a Starman shirt!! I recognize him: he's the Rhine River Avenger, Greyfriar himself!!!

Putting even more thrust into his trusted mechanical horse, Greyfriar takes to the sky and air-kicks the Black Dwarf, making him eat some good old Berlin soil.

His power over Selena Gomez is vanquished.

"Now what do we do with him?" asks Monica.

"He's too dangerous to be left alive!" says Luca.

"No, the YBG-Men don't kill!" I say.

BLAM! BLAM!

Two shots. Point blank. The only prophet of Goober-Pantheism is no more.

"But I do!" says Ethan Hawke, gun in hand.

Captain LeComte. Cold as ice.

[H. P. L.]

The Yukon Blade Grinder Europe

 

The Quest for Captain LeComte

 

Epilogue

 

 

 

 

 

In the words of the immortal John Entwistle: what a f***ing anticlimax, dear readers.

Dust seemed to float aimlessly in the void, never touching soil, while Captain LeComte, or super-actor Ethan Hawke if you prefer, lowered his gun with a look on his face that would freeze molten lava.

The lifeless body of the Black Dwarf, Holierthanthouy, former member of the Pope SS, the Vatican secret science team, fell down like a potato sack. Almost out of nowhere, the other dwarves of the Pope SS and Francis "Big Buy" himself appeared on the Unter den Linden and gently carried away their lost brother. Francis and Hawke exchanged a long stare, and I swear it was Hawke that blinked. Without a word, they carried away the body. His theme song by Candlemass played in the air. I swear I saw Francis headbang.

 

 

 

"That was totally uncalled for" I said to Captain LeComte.

"Not your call. Never your call" he replied.

"You know me?".

"Course I do".

"How?".

"Telepathic forum, remember?" said Hawke pointing a finger to his head. "I know all about you, imbrattacarte. How you harassed my men and finally brought death to my friend John Toad".

"Actually it was the Black Dwarf who...".

"Yeah, but he followed you. So it's your fault in my book. I'd have your hide for that, but then I'm sure the Vatican would bring you back again. Julie (Delpy, NDR) said she would stop you. I never thought she would go all the way through. That chick's crazier than I thought! But then she's French".

"So what now?".

"Nothing, now! We go our own way. I suggest you find a better field of expertise. Like tour guides or something".

"And what about Goober?!".

"Goober? He gave the nose of one of my men to drugged strippers! His ganja-stained butt belongs to me!".

"But what about Major Rob Ford..."

"He did nothing up until now because of the Sochi Olympics. He wanted all the media attention to himself. Attention whore that he is..."

"Well, like Goober!".

"Shut the f*ck up. Now, if Ucraina doesn't go to hell, he'll make his move".

"But..."

And just like that, he walked away. Set security jumped on us. We ended up on the banks of the Spree. My quest was over. And what had I found? Nothing.

"So this is how Substance feels all the time" I thought.

Tucked in his leather jacket, Greyfriar put his arm around my shoulder and said: "Let's get a beer".

Sounded like a plan.

FIN

[H. P. L.]

Wow, seven months of epic writing... reduced in paperback form! Now I know how published writers feel like! I'm off to booze.

[Tombstone Mountain]

Hey pars...the Grinder is keeping you informed...all you gotta do is read!

[Lorraine]

Hey pars...the Grinder is keeping you informed...all you gotta do is read!

 

And we are all on tender hooks awaiting the latest installment. :)

[Pars123]

The Yukon Blade Grinder Europe Companion

 

 

Man seeks knowledge.

This is what sets him apart from vile beasts.

Wheter it's the knowledge that lets him distinguish an edible mushroom from a smokable mushroom, or a new unifying theory that may set peace between Rush geeks and Madonna fans, man seeks knowledge.

Sometimes, though, more than knowledge, man will seek shortcuts.

User Pars123, for example, is probably the kinda guy who would settle for a macrowaved tv dinner even if he has a nice pizzeria just down the stairs. The same way, he thought he could find knowledge about Goober just by making a thread called "Goober" in the wrong sub-forum. Little does he know about the ordeals we of the Yukon Blade Grinder have (and still are) gone through. Why, I was killed by Julie Deply. But let's be consistent about this, shall we? After all, Pars is after knowledge.

 

I was just a pro living his quiet life here in sunny Italy when, out of pure kind heart, I decided to help get Goober free from Sheriff Ron Howard's paws. So I took the liberty to set some wheels in motion and it all went to gigantic proportions when Pope Francis I made the now universally famous Speech from Mount Nerd, which you can read in previous pages.

That historical Speech had been preceded by a secret meeting between me, Tombstone and Francis, which was afterward published in what was to become YBGE in this form:

 

What a weird weekend this turned out to be.

I was looking for some deserved R&R with the family and ended up springing to Rome on Saturday afternoon to meet Tombstone Mountain (from now on: Tom), all the while, unbeknownst to me, the Vatican engine was working full cylinders.

That's why me and Tom, while on a conference call with Greyfriar, were approached by a white limo, which spawned two big, intimidating men all dressed in white! They looked like FBI agents of the movies, except they were all dressed in white! White jacket, white shoes. Heck, even their sunglasses were WHITE!

Tom, American pragmatism firmly in hand, took it for a tourist scam and was going to dismiss them. I had to take him by the arm and say: "Tom, this is serious".

"Are these what, secret service italian style?"

"In a limo? No way. They could barely afford a 500".

"So who are they, Berlusconi's men?"

"Nope, he would have sent a couple of amazons, and we would already be on rolling on the floor with our testicles in our throats".

"So who ARE they?".

"You wouldn't believe".

Thus saturday afternoon slowly crawled, while we, trapped in the limo, strolled through Rome ancient cobbled streets. Soccer superstar Francesco Totti (ANOTHER Francesco? Is there a design to this?) was downtown, creating a ruckus. But no way could we check the hot girls cruising Trinità dei Monti. We were due to a place where art and history loom, but where "sexy" is not a word well tolerated.

 

That's right: we ended up in the Catacombs of the Vatican, reeking with chilling cold, spiritual enlightenment and the the dust of millennia.

"Oooh, this is so Dan Brown!" giggled Tom. Rome turns everyone into a f*cking tourist. That's the power of the Urbe Aeterna.

"If you value your life, Tom, you're not gonna utter the D.B. word in front of HIM".

"HIM? Are we meeting the band HIM down here?"

"No, not the band HIM. F*cking glam metal. I meant HIM!"

"Yeah, HIM, the guitar player is Tony Iommi's son in law..."

"I know that, you crazy woodcutter from Yukon. But this is Rome, buddy. Think: The Borgias!"

And so, in the dim light, we came to a place where a simple throne of stone had been built. And on that throne, the Big Guy himself. The Pope that walks the walk and talks the talk. "Badass" Francis the First.

"This is the only place we can talk quietly" said Francesco.

The Pope turned out the be all they say about him, and even more.

Citing Beethoven and Mozart as his favourite composers, Big Guy Francesco is also at ease discussing early Sepultura: "Those Cavalera brothers, they always remind me of the Prodigal Son parable! I love Roots, by the way".

Tom had to pick up his jaw from the floor, but we tried to play it cool.

So you're not averse to Neil Peart's famously agnostic lyrics?

"There's a quest in there. If he is trying to find a meaning to life, who am I to judge him?"

What was your take on the Watchmaker charachter in Clockwork Angels?

"Oh, it just goes back to Isaac Newton and Descartes, doesn't it? If there's a watchmaker in the world today is hardly God: it's corporate business. Banks. Companies. They are the watchmaker. That's the way I read CA, which is awesome by the way".

And what do you think of Vapor Trails Remixed?

"It has given me so much strenght. It's their most spiritual album. Truly, it makes my soul soar. When the Remix came out, it was like a gift from God, truly. We've been getting them a lot, lately. Ayreon's new album is another".

And that's when Tom had to play jackass and tell the Pope about Goober's reaction to VTR, and the infamous "polished turd" words surfaced once again in the Holy Underground.

"He didn't say that" went Francis. In a split second, you could see why this guy used to intimidate street thugs back in Buenos Aires. His face turned to molten steel.

"I'm afraid he did, Sir" was all I could say.

"Let us pray" He said.

For what seemed like a dark eternity, we stood in silence. I tried to find shelter singing "The Garden" to myself, while Tom kept on making the worst impression of himself trying to make a "selfie" with the background of the Catacombs.

"This is were we part ways, brothers" finally said the Big Guy. "Trust in God to find a way. As for me, I know what I will say tomorrow!".

 

So finally we went out a rimirar le stelle, like Dante goes. Contrary to my advice, Tom treated himself with a triple dose of code alla vaccinara and passed out, all his blood converging to digestion functions. I barely woke him up in time for Sunday mass.

And that's what happened before the now infamous "Rush Speech" in Rome. How will it go down in History? How will it change the world? How will it affect RushGoober's fate? Now, this is a guy who could piss of THE POPE, for saying it out loud. Whose patience are you gonna try next, Goober? Ghandi? Buddah? Lord Jesus himself? Just one word of advice, Gary: don't pick on Shiva! That guy's got the third eye beam thing. I mean, you're playing with fire there.

I think Goober is important enough to be in this sub form! And thanks for the article. Can't wait for the next one.

[Lost In Xanadu]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

Respectfully LIX we do know him. We've read his posts. We only know him by what he puts up on this board. He's a "broadcaster" and an "author". He put himself out there as such, ready for all to partake of his work and trolling. How are we to know him besides that?

 

If he's got thin skin why did he engage individuals the way he has? You've read his material right?

 

Am I wrong?

Sorry - I thought you liked my post because you got my sarcasm :)

[Lorraine]

Wow, seven months of epic writing... reduced in paperback form! Now I know how published writers feel like! I'm off to booze.

 

Put it on Kindle. Folks will love it. And send me an autographed copy so I can donate it to our local library. I'll make sure they prominently display it and place a vigil candle in front of it burning 24/7. Don't forget to include a poster of yourself too, so that others can see for themselves who the genius is behind the words.

[Tombstone Mountain]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

Respectfully LIX we do know him. We've read his posts. We only know him by what he puts up on this board. He's a "broadcaster" and an "author". He put himself out there as such, ready for all to partake of his work and trolling. How are we to know him besides that?

 

If he's got thin skin why did he engage individuals the way he has? You've read his material right?

 

Am I wrong?

Sorry - I thought you liked my post because you got my sarcasm :)

Cheers to the man who gave me MY member title!!! Thanks dude...it fits!

Edited March 24, 2014 by Tombstone Mountain

[Lost In Xanadu]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

 

What other member of TRF has not one, but two, yes, TWO, threads devoted to him?

I have 3 threads devoted to me...

 

1. "Petition to Ban LIX from TRF"

2. "Who is this asshole?"

3. "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

 

What other member of TRF has not one, but two, yes, TWO, threads devoted to him?

I have 3 threads devoted to me...

 

1. "Petition to Ban LIX from TRF"

2. "Who is this asshole?"

3. "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

 

And I started two of those.

[Lorraine]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

 

What other member of TRF has not one, but two, yes, TWO, threads devoted to him?

I have 3 threads devoted to me...

 

1. "Petition to Ban LIX from TRF"

2. "Who is this asshole?"

3. "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

 

:o

 

I'm duly impressed. Very good job!!

 

Negative attention is better than no attention. Keep up the good work!! :ebert: Perhaps one day I will have three (or, dare I even hope, more) similar threads about me!

[Lost In Xanadu]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

 

What other member of TRF has not one, but two, yes, TWO, threads devoted to him?

I have 3 threads devoted to me...

 

1. "Petition to Ban LIX from TRF"

2. "Who is this asshole?"

3. "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

 

:o

 

I'm duly impressed. Very good job!!

 

Negative attention is better than no attention. Keep up the good work!! :ebert: Perhaps one day I will have three (or, dare I even hope, more) similar threads about me!

73 just started a new one... I have 4 now

 

4. "I love LIX"

[Lorraine]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

 

What other member of TRF has not one, but two, yes, TWO, threads devoted to him?

I have 3 threads devoted to me...

 

1. "Petition to Ban LIX from TRF"

2. "Who is this asshole?"

3. "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

 

:o

 

I'm duly impressed. Very good job!!

 

Negative attention is better than no attention. Keep up the good work!! :ebert: Perhaps one day I will have three (or, dare I even hope, more) similar threads about me!

73 just started a new one... I have 4 now

 

4. "I love LIX"

 

:sigh:

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

 

What other member of TRF has not one, but two, yes, TWO, threads devoted to him?

I have 3 threads devoted to me...

 

1. "Petition to Ban LIX from TRF"

2. "Who is this asshole?"

3. "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

 

:o

 

I'm duly impressed. Very good job!!

 

Negative attention is better than no attention. Keep up the good work!! :ebert: Perhaps one day I will have three (or, dare I even hope, more) similar threads about me!

73 just started a new one... I have 4 now

 

4. "I love LIX"

 

:sigh:

 

He lies!!! Don't listen to him, he started that thread about himself. He's a narcissist and all.

[Lost In Xanadu]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

 

What other member of TRF has not one, but two, yes, TWO, threads devoted to him?

I have 3 threads devoted to me...

 

1. "Petition to Ban LIX from TRF"

2. "Who is this asshole?"

3. "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

 

:o

 

I'm duly impressed. Very good job!!

 

Negative attention is better than no attention. Keep up the good work!! :ebert: Perhaps one day I will have three (or, dare I even hope, more) similar threads about me!

73 just started a new one... I have 4 now

 

4. "I love LIX"

 

:sigh:

 

He lies!!! Don't listen to him, he started that thread about himself. He's a narcissist and all.

Prove it! Show me a thread I started entitled "I love LIX"!! You sir, are the lying bastage.

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

 

What other member of TRF has not one, but two, yes, TWO, threads devoted to him?

I have 3 threads devoted to me...

 

1. "Petition to Ban LIX from TRF"

2. "Who is this asshole?"

3. "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

 

:o

 

I'm duly impressed. Very good job!!

 

Negative attention is better than no attention. Keep up the good work!! :ebert: Perhaps one day I will have three (or, dare I even hope, more) similar threads about me!

73 just started a new one... I have 4 now

 

4. "I love LIX"

 

:sigh:

 

He lies!!! Don't listen to him, he started that thread about himself. He's a narcissist and all.

Prove it! Show me a thread I started entitled "I love LIX"!! You sir, are the lying bastage.

 

Show me ANY existing thread with that title. Go ahead, find it...

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v318/1001001/Movies/waiting2.jpg

[Lost In Xanadu]

If you really gave a crap about having Gary back - you'd stop with threads like this. He's not posting because he hates this shit. He's not amping up excitement for his 30K, he's waiting for people to stop obsessing about it.

 

If you knew Gary at all, you would agree with this.

 

What other member of TRF has not one, but two, yes, TWO, threads devoted to him?

I have 3 threads devoted to me...

 

1. "Petition to Ban LIX from TRF"

2. "Who is this asshole?"

3. "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

 

:o

 

I'm duly impressed. Very good job!!

 

Negative attention is better than no attention. Keep up the good work!! :ebert: Perhaps one day I will have three (or, dare I even hope, more) similar threads about me!

73 just started a new one... I have 4 now

 

4. "I love LIX"

 

:sigh:

 

He lies!!! Don't listen to him, he started that thread about himself. He's a narcissist and all.

Prove it! Show me a thread I started entitled "I love LIX"!! You sir, are the lying bastage.

 

Show me ANY existing thread with that title. Go ahead, find it...

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v318/1001001/Movies/waiting2.jpg

So you admit you were lying?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/0803/absinthetic/funny%20internets/indeed-hmmm.jpg

Edited March 24, 2014 by Lost In Xanadu

[Lorraine]

You are too young to smoke.

[Lorraine]

It might stunt your growth.

[Lost In Xanadu]

You are too young to smoke.

Vanessa Kensington: Do you smoke after sex?

Austin: I don't know, baby, I never looked.

[HomesickAlien]

In the unlikely event that some of you are wondering how this began. . .

[HomesickAlien]

Finally, we have some clues to Rushgoober's absence—Hope he's OK

 

—TM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder

 

Late edition

 

November 12, 2013

Santa Barbara, Ca

 

 

Vagrant Arrested at Neverland Ranch

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder’s reach is getting more and more evident in American culture, as we uncover yet another newsprint gem. Michael Jackson makes the YBG.

 

Neverland Ranch has been quiet for many years, until today. Procurator of the ranch, Jorge Pilaguana, reports a homeless camp on the King of Pops infamous stomping grounds has been discovered. Out of the public eye for years, now back in the news, details are beginning to emerge as rare animals are being sighted throughout various parts of Santa Barbara. “We found evidence of squatters on the premises, possible the presence of a cult as well…real weird stuff was going on without our knowledge”, said the estate’s spokesman. The revelation came as groundskeepers approached the barn after hearing cries of animals and hysterical women. The barn door burst open with all manner of fleeing creatures, some apparently smiling upon escape. “I don’t know how to put it. When Noah’s ark made landfall, it must’ve looked something like this”, said one staff member. “As we went in we could see a bunch of animals huddled in a corner afraid to make a move…surreal. You don’t often see tigers and wildebeasts banding together for protection”.

 

What was the reason for such timidity? Hunched in a corner of the Llama stall with only his laptop and a bottle of carrot juice, an unidentified man was found. He was wearing a shirt that read “I’m a goofy goober” on the front, and “check out my prog show” on the back. Although the vagrant kept singing the Pink Floyd hit song “Us and Them”, he was fully compliant with arresting officers until they confiscated his computer. At the sheriff’s press conference police spokesman said the “contents cannot be revealed at this time, but safe to say there seems to be a past connection with Michael Jackson and this individual. More details will be released as we have them.”

 

…and the Yukon Blade Grinder will be there!

 

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder

 

Early Edition

 

 

 

November 13, 2013

 

10:00 am

Santa Barbara, Ca

County Court House

 

 

With stunning developments to report, the Yukon Blade Grinder is on the scene ready to divulge information. The Rush Forum has been at fever pitch trying to locate its most celebrated troll for weeks. The reason? He’s holding onto his 30,000^th post like a child attached to their teddy bear and people are dying to see what's next. Well, Goober’s been found, but in less than ideal conditions. At the moment, he’s holed up in a Santa Barbara jail facility and not allowed visitors of any kind. Speculation has been rampant. Exactly WTF was Goober doing at the King of Pops Neverland Ranch?

 

The county sheriff’s news conference focused on this dire situation. Amid the flash of cameras, and a boisterous, extremely diverse crowd, sheriff Ron Howard (former child star and famed director) stepped up to the podium to issue an official statement and answer questions. Here’s the official transcript:

 

Sheriff Howard: I’d like to address the situation involving vagrancy and Neverland Ranch. Everyone in the state of California knows the ranch is on the verge of becoming a state landmark. Preparations have been in place for some time to renovate the former estate of Michael Jackson, and this may slow that process for the time being. Developments materializing are indeed eye opening, and we have some new information to dispense. There appears to be evidence of a cult called “Spirits of Neverland Ranch”. Activity seemed to be isolated around the large mammal barn, with some cultic markings found in a nearby forest. As for identification of the cult leader, that is an unknown at this time.

 

Followers of this man refer to him only as “Goober”. It appears he’s a former employee of Mr. Jackson. We believe he was a performing clown when the Ranch was functioning as a children’s attraction, and he performed ancillary “duties” during the off-season at the estate. What those duties specifically were are not entirely clear at this time. Since we cannot confirm his true identity, bail's been denied.

 

So with that said, I’ll open the floor to a few questions. Just for your information this is my second job, so I’ve gotta skate soon—keep the questions brief.

 

 

USA Today: What evidence is there of occultism on the premises?

Sheriff Howard: In the barn, specifically the Llama stall, books were found. In addition, a banner that read, “Vapor Trolls Book Club meets here”. A book titled Tough Times Demand Tough Talk was found next to a five-gallon bucket (which was used as a toilet). Women from all over the world were sucked into this scheme via the internet—mostly from England. One came from New Jersey. In the woods, there was a pagan symbol constructed of rocks. Apparently used in a ceremony to commemorate/denounce oppression and defiance of some spacey ideology. Around the symbol were the words “f**k Megadon”—we don’t know what that means yet. In the private chamber of the cult leader was the best selling Dale Carnegie book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. You just know with material like that lying around, something was amiss. Next question.

 

The New York Times: Is there anyway at this time to determine if these women were forced into servitude, or they were willing participants?

Sheriff Howard: The women went along willingly, the farm animals—quite another story. Next question.

 

BET Entertainment: Are there any indications of brain washing amongst the captive women or animals?

Sheriff Howard: That is yet to be determined at this point. The female captors have been observed chanting the words “A certain measure of righteousness, a certain amount of force. A certain degree of imagination-daring on a different course” over and over again in their jail cells…what that means is up in the air. Last question.

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder: “Can you tell us the scope of the relationship between Goober and Michael Jackson? What’s the connection beyond being a clown on Neverland Ranch?”

Sheriff Howard: Good question. Ummmm, apparently this Goober was also a lyricist for Mr. Jackson. Apparently his collaboration spanned a few years.

The Yukon Blade Grinder: What songs did he contribute to Mr. Jackson’s library of music?

Sheriff Howard: Well, The way you make me feel is one, and Beat it. Those are officially credited to a “Goober”. At this time we think the relationship is much more extensive than just those two songs. There’s textual evidence of a song I’m a moonwalker that was also penned by Goober. Evidence seems to suggest a Bernie Tuapin/Elton John kind of thing going on. As we dig deeper into his laptop, we’ll find out more information. Thank You!

 

 

-End Press Conference-

 

 

What a treasure trove of information to ponder loyal Yukon Blade Grinder readers. What will be uncovered next on our beloved Goobs? Will he ever see the light of day again? Can fellow inmates get used to “Mr. Snuggles”? Only time will tell as we wait for the word. So, until then, let us perk our ears to the wind, hoping to hear the approaching hoof beats of good news (well, hopefully it’s good).

 

 

 

 

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder

Hannibal Lector Edition

 

11.14.13

Santa Barbara, Ca

 

 

Santa Barbara’s sheriff is at a loss for words but they’re trying. Animal rights groups are up in arms. Felons in the detention center are begging for relief. As events unfold in the case of the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” cult, the public is becoming more and more fascinated by details of the absurd. Sheriff Ron Howard’s press conference opened the Pandora box that is Neverland Ranch. Intrigue surrounds the situation as it continues to expand with each passing day. Michael Jackson fans are starting to show up at the entrance to the estate. Some to cry and light candles, others for the photo-op of moon walking with a lone sequined glove in front of the iconic gates. Now what?

 

Per usual the Yukon Blade Grinder attempts to make sense in a senseless world. Nihilism is the reeking stench the public smells and they expect answers. Exactly what is this cult all about, and was it harmful to farm animals? What compels a band of women to enlist themselves in said cult, and endure such conditions? Hope in humanity is often restored by law enforcement, but sad to say, it often crushes it as well. Media outlets are in feeding frenzy mode as they hover at the Santa Barbara Sheriff’s Office, waiting for the next morsel of added clarity.

 

We didn’t wait long as Sheriff Ron Howard promptly held the “Day 2” presser at 10 am PST. Looking shell-shocked yet somehow optimistic, he made his opening statement and then fielded a few questions from the media elite, and the Yukon Blade Grinder was on hand to receive today’s bounty. Transcript as follows:

 

Sheriff Howard: Ok, we’ve had a real long night. So far we’re glad to report that most of the animals that escaped from the ranch have been located, except the Llama’s—they’ve officially bugged out. Our presence is highly visible in the community. Locals have seen the department on the lookout armed with tranquilizer guns and nets. We apologize if our methods seem a bit rough, but we have no other choice in some cases. The ostriches and emus have been exceedingly difficult to capture, so I made an executive decision and to just shoot and kill the birds, then feed them to the poor. The good news is that we’ve met the insufficient food needs of the homeless population in the entire city. Next target are the nursing homes. Roasting them on the city streets has proven a successful clarion call. That was Clint Eastwood’s idea, so all credit to his brilliance on that one.

 

Next, I need to share new details on the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” cult. All the women have been identified and are receiving counseling. I can tell you collectively they share a connection beyond this situation. All seven females comprised a dancing troupe called “The Seven Cities of Gold” dancers. Apparently they were employed by the Canadian rock group Rush, but were summarily dismissed for conduct reasons before the band’s Clockwork Angels tour started. As stated yesterday, most of the women come from England, one from New Jersey, and two sisters from Moose Nut, Ontario. They’re employees on sabbatical from the Bo Peep’s Sheep gentleman’s club franchise, based out of Canada. That’s all I have on them at the moment.

 

As for the leader of the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch”, we’ve ascertained what we believe to be a fictitious alias. "Rush Goober" is all we have for the male suspect. Once we hack his computer, we’ll certainly learn more.

 

In addition, the stone formation found in the woods was indeed used in a ceremony. The words “f**k Megadon” were inscribed around the formation. We’ve discovered the term points to the fabled world of Rush’s 4^th studio album 2112. What it meant in the liturgy of the initiation is still unclear at this time. We do, however, know more about what the women had to do in order to join this cult. A fire was built in the center of the star. Rush Goober provided what he said is the missing nose of Michael Jackson. According to claims by the female cult members, they roasted it over the open fire and each ate a piece to attain “one-ness” with the “Spirit of Neverland Ranch”. Whether or not it actually was Mr. Jackon’s missing nose is yet to be determined, though we are analyzing all seven specimens. I know, it’s a nightmare.

 

DNA testing is required, so answers to that question will be learned next week. We all know how the FBI works.So, with that said, I’m ready to answer a few questions.

 

Bon Appetite Magazine: How many birds were used in this feeding program? And also, how did you deal with the “gamey” aftertaste?

Sheriff Howard: Sadly, five in total. Applewood and Appalachian hickory made an excellent combination to add a fruity, savory element to the meat. That masked the taste. Next question.

 

The American Journal of Medicine: Did the so-called “willing” captives suffer any ill side-effects from ingesting Mr. Jackson’s nose? Did they know what they were eating at the time?

Sheriff Howard: Only psychological at this point. They were apprehended repeating the same phrase over and over again, that lasted well into the night. At 3 am they started repeating a different phrase. And again, we don’t have a context for this yet, but they started chanting “The way out is the way in. The way out is the way yay yay yay in”. Audio experts and code breakers are looking into that. And yes, according to the dancers, they happily ate the bits of Mr. Jackson’s appendage. Next question

 

David Fricke, RollingStone magazine: Has Rush been contacted about these events? And if so, have they contributed to explaining away some of the mysticism and symbology?

Sheriff Howard: Yeah I know those guys. All too helpful in understanding those aspects. As for the ceremony, they had no clue what any of it meant. Last question.

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder: Do we know how Goober came in possession of Michael Jackson’s nose? It was removed years ago, so how was it preserved?

Sheriff Howard: It was in a dried state according to witnesses, and then reconstituted for the ceremony. How Goober came to possess the appendage is not yet known…we’re working on it.

The Yukon Blade Grinder: Excuse me, you said the women “happily” ate the nose. Did they say why they were so overcome with joy?

Sheriff Howard: I think the reason is obvious—they’re metal chicks—probably not the worst thing they ever put in their mouths. Thanks everybody, well have more details next week as evidence is analyzed.

 

--End transcript--

 

Wonder is often a term we use when we gaze at the heavens, but it also applies here. There’s much more to learn as we walk this path of uncertainty. Readers of the Yukon Blade Grinder know they’re in the best hands to get to the bottom of this mess. The Yukon Blade Grinder “wonders” when that’ll be…until that time, come to Neverland and light a candle for the goodness of humanity.

[HomesickAlien]

The Yukon Blade Grinder

Weekend edition

 

11.15.2013

Santa Barbara, Ca

 

 

As dawn breaks over Santa Barbara, the local sheriff dept has rounded up the last of wild beasts running wild. The Yukon Blade Grinder is more than happy to report great strides being made regarding the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” cult, and its origins. Always timely and never perspicacious, the Grinder has moved into the driver’s seat taking the lead in reporting the facts of this bizarre case. Bizarre is quite a mild description actually, for Neverland and the “spirits” who communed there specialize in “black helicopter” paranoia. Santa Barbara has seen its share of scandals, but this one looks much darker than its predecessors.

 

Law enforcement has been giving as much information as it can, but still lacks key details. Trying to understand the nature and modus operandi has been difficult to ascertain because of the unknown background of the alleged perpetrators, but our knowledge is growing. Keeping an ever-watchful eye, the Yukon Blade Grinder scored big by landing the first interview of the “Seven Cities of Gold” dancers since their release. Posting a $5 million dollar bond for the dancers, Hustler magnate Larry Flint was being more than opportunistic as he rolled onto the scene, by commanding the price of $10,000 for the chance to ask the question the world is dying to ask—WTF is going on?

 

Well, Santa Barbara Sheriff Ron Howard has been consistent in sharing what he does and doesn’t know. After two mind blowing press conferences, he’s ready to tackle the impossible and offer more clues about the cult figure, Rush Goober. There has been an overwhelming presence of media outlets just waiting to discover more about this man, and Sheriff Howard is ready to start today’s briefing. Here’s the official transcript:

 

Sheriff Howard: Before I get started I’d like to say thank you to all the volunteers who were with us all night, catching the last of the escaped animals. Just to give an example of the difficulty of our task, we’ve had to deal with spider monkeys, rhinos, giraffes, and zebras. A hurdle that we had to overcome was the language barrier. None of the animals understand English, apparently because all of the zoological experts employed by Neverland Ranch are from the jungles of New Guinea. They trained the animals in their native tongue. But, we overcame that by killing and grilling the large birds. The animals saw that and fell in line quickly. Amazing what a little negative reinforcement can do.

 

A new development is the release of the Seven Cities of Gold dancers. They have been charged with criminal trespassing and obstructing justice. Bail had been set at $5 million dollars. Mr. Larry Flynt, the publisher of Hustler magazine, has paid that. Travel restrictions have been put in place, and they appear to be enjoying their new accoutrement, namely GPS tracking collars. At this point, all I can say about their situation is that Mr. Flynt has plans for them after the trial, “freedom isn’t free” as they say.

 

Now for the leader of the “Spirits of Neverland Ranch” cult, Rush Goober. He’s been charged with several serious crimes. Trespassing. Obstructing Justice. Cruelty to Animals, and this is a biggie in Canada—Impersonating a Rush Fan. We’ve learned that Goober and the dancers have a previous connection. Rush employed them all before the Clockwork Angels tour. During that time, relationships were developed and then relationships soured. A sort of alienation took place between the band and cast, but that’s another conversation.

 

In regards to Goober and his connection with Michael Jackson, it was both professional and private. You all know he was a lyricist for Mr. Jackson. Now we’ve learned of his ancillary duties at Neverland Ranch. He conducted tours. Washed cars. Fed animals. In regards to Mr. Jackson’s nose, and how Goober came to possess it, we cannot divulge that information at this point due to pending legal action by the estate of Michael Jackson. With that said, let’s open the floor to questions.

 

Cosmopolitan Magazine: Any word on the dancer’s post-trial commitment to Mr. Flynt in exchange for bail?

Sheriff Howard: I have no idea of that. Pretty sure it’ll be on their backs though. Next question.

 

National Geographic Magazine: What steps did you take to engage the animals in their native tongue?

Sheriff Howard: Can’t believe you even have a job…next.

 

David Fricke, RollingStone Magazine: Has Anthem Entertainment told you the reason for the dismissal of the perpetrators from their employers?

Sheriff Howard: It stemmed from several physical altercations at Mr. Alex Lifeson’s bar called The Orbit Room. It was in the VIP section. Apparently a huge fight broke out during a “Battle of the Bands” competition before the tour started. Two lawsuits emerged from that melee, one from John Cleese, and the other from Werner Herzog. I have no other information regarding those two individuals.

 

The Yukon Blade Grinder: You said that Goober is being charged with “impersonating a Rush fan”, what evidence is there to support that charge?

Sheriff Howard: All you have to do is log on to The Rush Forum and just read the shit he puts out. Evidence shows he constantly rails against the band's music and abilities, yet claims to be a huge fan.

The Yukon Blade Grinder: Ok, but do you have anything more specific?

Sheriff Howard: Yes, well just one example is enough. Before the release of Clockwork Angels, RollingStone put out an exclusive early release of the hit song “Headlong Flight”. Just read what he had to say about that song. Unthinkable. He said it was a “chore” to actually play it. Isn’t that messed up? Just read what he has to say about Vapor Trails, I get chills when I think about it. There’s your proof.

 

Thanks for showing up guys…we’ll have DNA results next week. Have a good weekend

 

--end transcript--

 

The low hanging fruit has been picked and now we find ourselves climbing for the good stuff—the juicy stuff. That means getting into the world of the “Seven Cities of Gold” dancers. Salivation and consternation are sure to rear their heads. We find ourselves going back to the past to revisit the ill-fated days before the great Clockwork Angels World Tour. What will it tells us about Goobs? What will it tell us about the dancers? What will it tell us about Michael Jackson’s nose? Those questions and more will be answered as the Yukon Blade Grinder brings you the exclusive interview with the former vixens of Canada’s number one export.

[Lost In Xanadu]

Nope - nobody was wondering. Those who care to know, already were well aware