A friend is playing bridezilla

[nettiesaur]

One of my very close friends is getting married soon. I've know about this since last year, when she first got engaged.

 

She hasn't actually spoken to me in about a year, but we're both in the same profession, and I've known her since right after college. I've known members of her family since they were babies. We do email each other and call once in a while, but she is always very busy.

 

So, her birthday was a few weeks ago, and it was a big number. I wasn't invited to the party, but heard about it later on her facebook page.

 

Now I get the invitation to the wedding and there are just my name and my sister's name on it, not my boyfriend of many years. I am not invited to the dinner. There is no reply card, only cards from the stores she is registered at. My sister said she isn't going to go.

 

My boyfriend really wanted us to go to a concert that night, but I told him we couldn't because of the wedding. Now I have to make a decision:

should I:

1)Call or email her and ask if the boyfriend can come, because my sister isn't going to be able to make it. Since we're not invited to the dinner, her count for the reception should be o.k.

 

2)Send a lovely gift and just attend the ceremony, then go to the concert with the boyfriend.

 

3)Attend the ceremony and reception alone.

 

4)Tell her I won't be able to make it, send her a gift with a pleasant wish to have a nice life.

 

I'm leaning towards 2 or 4. What do you think?

[iluvgeddy05]

#4. As much as YOU think it's ok to substitute your sisters absence with that of your long time boyfriend, it's not. Only "& guest" on the invite gives you liberty to take whomever you want with her. That's just an etiquette thing in my opinion.

 

 

Also, does this person know your sister more/better than your boyfriend? Does she get along with your sister better? I'm not trying to be mean because I don't know the situation. Is there someone else closer to the bride invited that does not jive with him? As a bride to be myself, with a 60 guest list limit, it was very hard to make some of those choices and one of them involved not inviting a friend who I still talk to occasionally -- because she does not get along with many of our closer friends. Does that make sense? Trust me, it sucks and it's all drama, but that's weddings

 

Is she actually having a reception? Is she just having family at the reception? Or were you intentionally left out while others will be wining and dining away after?

 

Anyways, not taking sides, but it seems you aren't as close anymore anyways, so I would do what you want. If you prefer to go to a concert, then do it. Send the gift and regrets and be as polite as possible -- then, well, ever onward.

 

 

My former boss once said "weddings make people weirrd..." I had no clue what she meant until I started planning my own wedding. Sh*t comes out of the woodwork and it's like

[Janie]

Do you really consider her a "very close friend" at this point? She didn't invite you to her birthday party, I'm assuming she knows you've been dating someone for a long time - so why was he not invited? She also didn't invite you to the dinner. Seems like a very close friend would want to share these events with you. I think at this point, you might have to take an honest look at the relationship. Do you really, truly, honestly want to attend the ceremony? Personally, I would decline the invitation, send a nice gift and enjoy the evening with the bf.

[nettiesaur]

QUOTE (iluvgeddy05 @ Jun 17 2010, 06:57 PM)

#4.  As much as YOU think it's ok to substitute your sisters absence with that of your long time boyfriend, it's not.  Only "& guest" on the invite gives you liberty to take whomever you want with her.  That's just an etiquette thing in my opinion.  Also, does this person know your sister more/better than your boyfriend?  Does she get along with your sister better?  I'm not trying to be mean because I don't know the situation.  Is there someone else closer to the bride invited that does not jive with him?  As a bride to be myself, with a 60 guest list limit, it was very hard to make some of those choices and one of them involved not inviting a friend who I still talk to occasionally -- because she does not get along with many of our closer friends.  Does that make sense?  Trust me, it sucks and it's all drama, but that's weddings Is she actually having a reception?  Is she just having family at the reception?  Or were you intentionally left out while others will be wining and dining away after? Anyways, not taking sides, but it seems you aren't as close anymore anyways, so I would do what you want.  If you prefer to go to a concert, then do it. Send the gift and regrets and be as polite as possible -- then, well, ever onward.  My former boss once said "weddings make people weirrd..."  I had no clue what she meant until I started planning my own wedding.  Sh*t comes out of the woodwork and it's like

I know why I wasn't invited to the dinner. I have a lot of food allergies, and it may be difficult to accomodate them. I really didn't expect to be invited to that. She is having a dinner, this is a very big wedding, in a ritzy spot, and they both have good incomes, and already are established in a house.

She has met my boyfriend and likes him, so I don't understand why she didn't put him on the invitation. Aren't you supposed to invite the S.O. of those on the guest list, especially those who are an established couple?

 

My sister just tolerates her, but lives with me, so was included.

 

We both traveled in the same church,professional and social circles for many years.

I have been to both of her sister's weddings, but no family events since her mom died two years ago. Her parents always thought highly of me and my family. Maybe her mom was the driving force behind my invitations.

 

 

There is a rift between us, and it is a professional one. I teach in a private school that is funded by state vouchers, and she teaches in a public school not very far away. In this city there is a growing rift between the voucher school teachers and the public school teachers, who believe that we are skimming the cream of the crop of the students. They should see the class I'm getting next year. Anyway, she is very anti-voucher, and may be causing the rift.

For Janie:

I don't have many close female friends, and I don't want this one to slip away, and then regret it later, but I've been thinking the same thing myself, is she the friend I thought she was, or is the wedding making her crazy?

Iluvgeddy:

I'm glad you replied, I actually was hoping you would, since you will be getting married soon. Thanks for your advice, and Janie's too.

Edited June 18, 2010 by nettiesaur

[iluvgeddy05]

[nettiesaur]

[Mara]

It sort of sounds to me like the friendship means more to you than to her. I don't mean the food thing, and I know people get their noses out of joint (not you, just in general) when the bride just can't give everyone on the list lots of personal attention.

 

I'd attend the ceremony and send a gift along, if it were me.

 

 

And to iluvgeddy - I so hear you on the guest list. My family was fine on limits, understanding that my husband and I were paying for it. His family, on the other hand - well, his sister went nuts. She is a teacher and wanted to invite half the faculty from her school and a bunch of her church friends as well. Some of them we'd met, most not. My husband finally had to sit her down and give her some rules: if she really wanted these people to attend, she'd have to pay for part of the reception. Frankly, I don't think most of them would have. And too, I think there's a line that gets crossed - these people kind of know you don't really think they'll attend, and it kind of starts to look as if you're grubbing for gifts.

[umoveme]

Life is short. Go to the concert. I personally wouldn't put two siblings on one invitation unless they were 11. Seems kinda snotty to not put you and a guest.

[iluvgeddy05]

QUOTE (Mara @ Jun 22 2010, 03:09 PM)

And to iluvgeddy - I so hear you on the guest list. My family was fine on limits, understanding that my husband and I were paying for it. His family, on the other hand - well, his sister went nuts. She is a teacher and wanted to invite half the faculty from her school and a bunch of her church friends as well. Some of them we'd met, most not. My husband finally had to sit her down and give her some rules: if she really wanted these people to attend, she'd have to pay for part of the reception. Frankly, I don't think most of them would have. And too, I think there's a line that gets crossed - these people kind of know you don't really think they'll attend, and it kind of starts to look as if you're grubbing for gifts.

Yes, the list of "people you MUST invite but won't attend" got longer by the day from my family. So lame.

 

 

And the future MIL just a few weeks ago -- over a month from when our guest list was finalized -- wanted to make changes. No! If I was there when she asked Fi, I would have said "Haven't we been through this!"

 

For the record as well, we're paying every single penny of this thing. But no one seems to *get* that.

 

 

Whatever, I'll be happy when it's over honestly! In ways, I am very much looking forward to it, as most brides do, but realistically, the whole thing is a pain in the ass lol

[Rolinda Bonz]

Is it a Rush concert?

[nettiesaur]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Jun 22 2010, 09:26 PM)

Is it a Rush concert?

no, Firehouse, Warrent, Brett Michaels...we like Firehouse, and Brett Michaels.

 

I'm going to the ceremony and sending a gift, then we're going to the show. I discussed it with my boyfriend. It seems the reasonable thing to do. I can talk to her family before/after the ceremony.

[TheBlonde]

I personally think it's rude to just invite someone to the ceremony but not the reception. You are not obligated to send a gift in response to anyone's wedding invitation. Quite frankly, it sounds to me that she's all about the gift and you'd be playing right into her greedy little hands. If she were a good friend, she'd have called you about her birthday party and explained why you weren't invited. An even better friend would have invited you anyway because surely you can choose for yourself what you can & cannot eat, or they would have made sure there were things you could eat. Just sayin'. Friendship takes two people.

 

Therefore, I would most likely send just a nice card to her wishing her well in her marriage and leave it at that.

 

Weddings do bring out the crazy in people, but they also bring out the truth in them as well. I am not the type to succumb to the "oh, but you have to..." statements. I can understand when the parents are paying for the wedding. But when the couple is paying for the wedding, my response is "The only thing I have to do is file a marriage license with the County." When the hubby & I planned and paid for our wedding, it did cause a lot of strife in his family. His mother was pissed that we refused to invite her high school best friend - whom my husband had only met once in his life. Yeah, no...not gonna happen. Our wedding was about celebrating with the people that were supportive and productive in our lives - it wasn't about giving either of our families a chance to chat with someone they don't see on their own time. We invited only the people we wanted to be there. We wanted an adults only affair (because I was not paying $40 a head for a child that was only going to pick at the food), so when his sister tried to strong arm us and said "If my kids can't come, then I'm not coming" our response was "OK then. Buh-bye." Funny how quickly she found a babysitter. Hell, we didn't even invite his oldest sister. She lives in another state, but didn't make an effort to see him when she came up here.

 

iluvgeddy: If no one is "getting" that you are paying for the wedding, then you have to point it out. That's exactly what we did. When MIL was crying (yes, literally crying) that we wouldn't invite her old friend, we said "WE are not paying for you to have a class reunion. IF you would like to pay for her to come, we will send her an invitation...but only AFTER we know that people we really want can't make it."

 

My MIL likes to do things like that, though. She's tried getting us to bring our kids over to her house when she's having friends over (people that we don't know). Her response was always "Oh, I just want them to see what beautiful granddaughters I have." So we finally said we are raising children, not circus monkeys to trot out to amuse her friends; they will think the girls are just as beautiful in pictures as they are in person.

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (TheBlonde @ Jun 25 2010, 09:39 AM)

I personally think it's rude to just invite someone to the ceremony but not the reception. You are not obligated to send a gift in response to anyone's wedding invitation. Quite frankly, it sounds to me that she's all about the gift and you'd be playing right into her greedy little hands. If she were a good friend, she'd have called you about her birthday party and explained why you weren't invited. An even better friend would have invited you anyway because surely you can choose for yourself what you can & cannot eat, or they would have made sure there were things you could eat. Just sayin'. Friendship takes two people. Therefore, I would most likely send just a nice card to her wishing her well in her marriage and leave it at that. Weddings do bring out the crazy in people, but they also bring out the truth in them as well. I am not the type to succumb to the "oh, but you have to..." statements. I can understand when the parents are paying for the wedding. But when the couple is paying for the wedding, my response is "The only thing I have to do is file a marriage license with the County." When the hubby & I planned and paid for our wedding, it did cause a lot of strife in his family. His mother was pissed that we refused to invite her high school best friend - whom my husband had only met once in his life. Yeah, no...not gonna happen. Our wedding was about celebrating with the people that were supportive and productive in our lives - it wasn't about giving either of our families a chance to chat with someone they don't see on their own time. We invited only the people we wanted to be there. We wanted an adults only affair (because I was not paying $40 a head for a child that was only going to pick at the food), so when his sister tried to strong arm us and said "If my kids can't come, then I'm not coming" our response was "OK then. Buh-bye." Funny how quickly she found a babysitter. Hell, we didn't even invite his oldest sister. She lives in another state, but didn't make an effort to see him when she came up here. iluvgeddy: If no one is "getting" that you are paying for the wedding, then you have to point it out. That's exactly what we did. When MIL was crying (yes, literally crying) that we wouldn't invite her old friend, we said "WE are not paying for you to have a class reunion. IF you would like to pay for her to come, we will send her an invitation...but only AFTER we know that people we really want can't make it." My MIL likes to do things like that, though. She's tried getting us to bring our kids over to her house when she's having friends over (people that we don't know). Her response was always "Oh, I just want them to see what beautiful granddaughters I have." So we finally said we are raising children, not circus monkeys to trot out to amuse her friends; they will think the girls are just as beautiful in pictures as they are in person.

ye, its kinda weird. didn't it used to be that you had a limited number of folks that you would invite to the ceremony, but everyone was welcome at the reception?

 

shit, i dunno.

 

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Jun 25 2010, 06:57 AM)

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Jun 22 2010, 09:26 PM) Is it a Rush concert?  no, Firehouse, Warrent, Brett Michaels...we like Firehouse, and Brett Michaels.   I'm going to the ceremony and sending a gift, then we're going to the show. I discussed it with my boyfriend. It seems the reasonable thing to do. I can talk to her family before/after the ceremony. kewl! make sure you wear waterproof mascara. otherwise, the wedding will send you to the concert looking like a raccoon.

[iluvgeddy05]

QUOTE (TheBlonde @ Jun 25 2010, 11:39 AM)

iluvgeddy: If no one is "getting" that you are paying for the wedding, then you have to point it out. That's exactly what we did. When MIL was crying (yes, literally crying) that we wouldn't invite her old friend, we said "WE are not paying for you to have a class reunion. IF you would like to pay for her to come, we will send her an invitation...but only AFTER we know that people we really want can't make it." My MIL likes to do things like that, though. She's tried getting us to bring our kids over to her house when she's having friends over (people that we don't know). Her response was always "Oh, I just want them to see what beautiful granddaughters I have." So we finally said we are raising children, not circus monkeys to trot out to amuse her friends; they will think the girls are just as beautiful in pictures as they are in person.

The problem is the drama that comes with "We're doing whatever we want regardless of what you want" would be unbearable.

 

 

Again, looking forward to it, but can't wait until it's over

[nettiesaur]

[treeduck]

QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Jun 17 2010, 06:59 PM)

One of my very close friends is getting married soon. I've know about this since last year, when she first got engaged. She hasn't actually spoken to me in about a year, but we're both in the same profession, and I've known her since right after college. I've known members of her family since they were babies. We do email each other and call once in a while, but she is always very busy. So, her birthday was a few weeks ago, and it was a big number. I wasn't invited to the party, but heard about it later on her facebook page. Now I get the invitation to the wedding and there are just my name and my sister's name on it, not my boyfriend of many years. I am not invited to the dinner. There is no reply card, only cards from the stores she is registered at. My sister said she isn't going to go. My boyfriend really wanted us to go to a concert that night, but I told him we couldn't because of the wedding. Now I have to make a decision: should I: 1)Call or email her and ask if the boyfriend can come, because my sister isn't going to be able to make it. Since we're not invited to the dinner, her count for the reception should be o.k. 2)Send a lovely gift and just attend the ceremony, then go to the concert with the boyfriend. 3)Attend the ceremony and reception alone. 4)Tell her I won't be able to make it, send her a gift with a pleasant wish to have a nice life. I'm leaning towards 2 or 4. What do you think?

I thought this thread was about some Rocky Horror type acting production, and you were worried about your pal playing the part and getting a rotten tomato shower!

 

[nettiesaur]

QUOTE (treeduck @ Jun 26 2010, 04:02 PM)

QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Jun 17 2010, 06:59 PM) One of my very close friends is getting married soon. I've know about this since last year, when she first got engaged. She hasn't actually spoken to me in about a year, but we're both in the same profession, and I've known her since right after college. I've known members of her family since they were babies.  We do email each other and call once in a while, but she is always very busy. So, her birthday was a few weeks ago, and it was a big number. I wasn't invited to the party, but heard about it later on her facebook page. Now I get the invitation to the wedding and there are just my name and my sister's name on it, not my boyfriend of many years.  I am not invited to the dinner.  There is no reply card, only cards from the stores she is registered at.  My sister said she isn't going to go. My boyfriend really wanted us to go to a concert that night, but I told him we couldn't because of the wedding.  Now I have to make a decision: should I: 1)Call or email her and ask if the boyfriend can come, because my sister isn't going to be able to make it.  Since we're not invited to the dinner, her count for the reception should be o.k. 2)Send a lovely gift and just attend the ceremony, then go to the concert with  the boyfriend. 3)Attend the ceremony and reception alone. 4)Tell her I won't be able to make it, send her a gift with a pleasant wish to have a nice life. I'm leaning towards 2 or 4.  What do you think? I thought this thread was about some Rocky Horror type acting production, and you were worried about your pal playing the part and getting a rotten tomato shower!   I wouldn't go that far... but she may be worthy of a tomato shower.