The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

 

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

 

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

 

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

 

A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."

 

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

 

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

 

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor." Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"

 

"Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years."

 

"But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

Captain's Red Shirt

 

 

 

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were

in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,

the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first

mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on

and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some

casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

 

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels

sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm

as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was

on. However, the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,

though this time more casualties occurred.

 

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting

the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked,

"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

 

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,

exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the

wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

 

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn

came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,

10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

 

The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his

usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown

pants!"

 

 

Edited December 18, 2004 by Slaine mac Roth

[Drumnut]

This is an oldie but goodie:

 

There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"

 

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.

 

The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.

[Trance]

QUOTE (BSG @ Dec 18 2004, 04:34 AM)

An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor." "Really? What happened?", asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor." Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?" "Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years." "But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif http://www.therushforum.net/html/emoticons/icon_really_happy_guy.gif

[Drumnut]

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

 

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

 

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

 

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

 

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

 

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

 

"What was that?" the old man asked.

 

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

 

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

 

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[Cygnus]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00006/00006367.jpg

[Cygnus]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00006/00006435.jpg

[madra sneachta]

An Irishman, a Dutchman and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a

smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and

arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi

Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the

booze, they are all sentenced to death!

 

 

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are

able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a

stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial

finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released

after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

 

 

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of

you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line; he thought for a while and then said:

Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10

lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to

be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

 

 

The Englishman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror

He said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows

could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the

Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

 

The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the

Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part

Of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world.

For this, you may have two wishes!" Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful

highness", The Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first

wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very

brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is

what you desire, then so be it.

And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asked.........

"Tie the Englishman to my back"

 

[Milton Bridge]

[Test4VitalSigns]

QUOTE (madra sneachta @ Dec 22 2004, 11:20 AM)

An Irishman, a Dutchman and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Dutchman was first in line; he thought for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror He said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part Of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asked......... "Tie the Englishman to my back"

[Chasartymac]

 

At the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

''I'm afraid l'm the bearer of bad news'', he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

''The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. lt's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.''

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, ''Well how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded: ''$5000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain .''

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: ''Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said:

''lt's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

 

 

[Drumnut]

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

 

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

 

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

 

"I did," said the centipede.

 

"Who stopped the rhino?"

 

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

 

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

 

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

 

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

 

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

[Drumnut]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

 

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

 

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

 

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

 

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

[NeilPeartFan2112]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Dec 31 2004, 11:12 PM)

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom." Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

That's a great one Drumnut!

[Rolinda Bonz]

[ES-335]

What do you call a fly who is born with no wings?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A walk.

 

 

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

>

>

> by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

>

>1.. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative

>on the same night.

>

>2.. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race

>has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word

>would be "meetings."

>

>3.. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

>

>4.. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never

>want you to share yours with them.

>

>5.. You should not confuse your career with your life

>

>6.. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

>

>7.. Never lick a steak knife.

>

>8.. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

>

>9.. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling

>reason why we observe daylight savings time.

>

>10.. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely

>suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby

>emerging from her at that very moment.

>

>11.. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to

>make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

>

>12.. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,

>gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep

>down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

>

>13.. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice

>person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

>

>14.. Your friends love you anyway.

>

>15.. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur

>built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

>

>16.. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as

>grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until

>they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

>

>*****************

>

>FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

>

>There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on

>Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large

>elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections but absolutely no

>recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

QUOTE (ES-335 @ Jan 1 2005, 04:33 AM)

What do you call a fly who is born with no wings? A walk.

And what do you call a fly with no wings and no legs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A currant

[Cygnus]

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

 

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

 

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

[NeilPeartFan2112]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 2 2005, 08:29 PM)

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel. They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies. The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

I had to re-read it at first, I didn't get the blind install part

[debe]

a skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a mop"

[debe]

How many Surrealist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

 

A Fish.

 

don't expect to get it........

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 2 2005, 05:29 PM)

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel. They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies. The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

[NeilPeartFan2112]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Jan 2 2005, 09:03 PM)

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 2 2005, 05:29 PM) Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel. They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies. The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?" Is right. That has got to be one of the best laughs I have had in a long time. Thanks for this great thread! Three Cheers!!!

[Rolinda Bonz]

At a party among mutual friends, the sadist is introduced to the masochist.

 

"Hurt me, " says the masochist, and the sadist says...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No."