Alsgalpal Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 I just got back from picking my kids up. My stupid ex was being the most awesome asshole I have ever seen in my entire life. Does he think that saying cutting aweful words and calling me unprintable names will make me want to come back to him?? Does he think that insulting me as a mother will make me want to listen to him? Having him tell me what an aweful wife I was, when I gave him everything I had? I almost killed myself doing it too!!! I f*cking hate him. I have never hated anyone with this much passion in my life. I have heard nothing but verbal abuse from this jerk wipe for 10 years, what makes me think I can actually keep a man happy?? I gave him all of me, and my hopes and dreams, I gave him everything!!! I couldn't make him happy. Now what??? I have nothing left to give. I don't know what to do, I have never felt such anger and sadness before in my life. I don't know how to deal with this, but to just write. To vomit my anger out thru my fingers, instead of my fists. I am striking out at those who don't deserve it. My kids heard and saw way too much the last 20 minutes. Maybe I am a bad mommy, and don't deserve them... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rickyrob Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ May 21 2005, 11:08 PM) I just got back from picking my kids up. My stupid ex was being the most awesome asshole I have ever seen in my entire life. Does he think that saying cutting aweful words and calling me unprintable names will make me want to come back to him?? Does he think that insulting me as a mother will make me want to listen to him? Having him tell me what an aweful wife I was, when I gave him everything I had? I almost killed myself doing it too!!! I f*cking hate him. I have never hated anyone with this much passion in my life. I have heard nothing but verbal abuse from this jerk wipe for 10 years, what makes me think I can actually keep a man happy?? I gave him all of me, and my hopes and dreams, I gave him everything!!! I couldn't make him happy. Now what??? I have nothing left to give. I don't know what to do, I have never felt such anger and sadness before in my life. I don't know how to deal with this, but to just write. To vomit my anger out thru my fingers, instead of my fists. I am striking out at those who don't deserve it. My kids heard and saw way too much the last 20 minutes. Maybe I am a bad mommy, and don't deserve them... Men are good at doing this AGP. You won't be the first. Ignore the farger and get on with your life. He's the sad-ass! You are wonderful....keep going and keep your chin up. Don't give in to this shit! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted May 21, 2005 Author Share Posted May 21, 2005 It's so hard to keep fighting... I just want to give up. I have never felt such hate for someone before, and its totally foreign to me. Right now, I feel that everyone is better than me. I am just some used up, lonely house wife that is just good for someones booty call and ego boost. I have found this out the hard way... Men really suck sometimes... No offence to TRF men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invisibleairwaves Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 That's terrible. The way you are on TRF, I can't see how any sane person could be so mean to you. My best wishes to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rickyrob Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ May 21 2005, 11:13 PM) It's so hard to keep fighting... I just want to give up. I have never felt such hate for someone before, and its totally foreign to me. Right now, I feel that everyone is better than me. I am just some used up, lonely house wife that is just good for someones booty call and ego boost. I have found this out the hard way... Men really suck sometimes... No offence to TRF men. If you think like this, he has won. He is a sad ass who has nothing better to do than bring down the very person who brought his children into the world. There is no worse person than this. Stay happy AGP and don't give in. You are worth 20 billion of him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted May 21, 2005 Author Share Posted May 21, 2005 I just feel such despair, and like all my breath has been taken out of me. Where is Omid when I need him? But, wait, he is just another man. Maybe he is waiting for someone 'better' to come along, just like the other guy that used me too. Not ever again will I ever open my heart to any man. They don't deserve me. I don't deserve to get hurt like this. I will go thru my life alone, and safe. No one will be able to hurt me again. "Well, I am not intersted in anything serious. Just come over when I am in the mood." F*CK YOU ALL!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rickyrob Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ May 21 2005, 11:22 PM) I just feel such despair, and like all my breath has been taken out of me. Where is Omid when I need him? But, wait, he is just another man. Maybe he is waiting for someone 'better' to come along, just like the other guy that used me too. Not ever again will I ever open my heart to any man. They don't deserve me. I don't deserve to get hurt like this. I will go thru my life alone, and safe. No one will be able to hurt me again. "Well, I am not intersted in anything serious. Just come over when I am in the mood." F*CK YOU ALL!!! AGP, get yourself a stiff drink and calm down. Then start thinking straight again tomorrow. Your mind has been f*cked by this horrible person. DON'T LET HIM WIN!!!! Take care. If you need to PM me, you know where I am. I'll be off to bed soon tho' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted May 21, 2005 Author Share Posted May 21, 2005 I feel like I am losing my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happysmiles007 Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ May 21 2005, 05:08 PM)Maybe I am a bad mommy, and don't deserve them... please don't say that..i've never met you personally, but i can tell by the way you talk about your children that you adore them & always do what you think is best for them. THAT is what makes a good mother..you're an understanding, caring, beautiful person, & they need you. you may not feel like the world's greatest mom right now, but think of what you're trying to deal with. you're not perfect, & nobody but apparently your ex-husband expects you to be. you seem like the type of mother who'll always understand what her children are going through, & will know what they do/don't want to hear. you're one of those moms who remembers what it was like to be a teenager, to not want your mom to embarass you, & can put herself in her children's shoes & empathize with them. your girls will love you and appreciate you for that, even though it may not seem like it at times. i'm not a mom myself, but i can tell you from a teenager's perspective..that's the kind of mom i really need right now, & i sure do wish i had one. i will always love my mom, but it's hard for her to grasp exactly what i'm trying to deal with right now, because she's never had to deal with it. your girls are going to majorly appreciate you, especially when they become adults, not only because you're a caring & understanding person, but because you've seen it all & can empathize with almost any situation they can think of. as far as your husband goes..it pisses me off to no end how badly people like you can be pushed around. i hope someday you find a man who is worthy of you, because as much as you do for everyone around you, you certainly deserve someone as fabulous as you are. i hope things start to look up for you..take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted May 21, 2005 Author Share Posted May 21, 2005 OHman!!! You all are so fantastic. I am already feeling some what better, I got out my frustrations, had a good frantic cry. I cried so hard that Moo started to cry too, and crawled up onto my lap, and hugged me so tight. She is now a sleeping Moo. I talked to my best friend, and he said to trust him, and not to worry. That the authorities will see what a bad icky controlling person the ex thing is, and wont let him take my babies. That is my biggest fear, is that he will get a wild hair, and take them. He can afford a lawyer. I can't. He is just nasty enough to try it. But, Omid said they wont let him, and I trust him. He has always been every thing comforting and good. He seems to come around just in time. I also have a real good friend to come over, one I have known for about 10 years now, and so sweet. We are going to go to town, and go to the dressage barn, so I can catch up on all the horses feed schedules and learn what time they want me to feed next weekend. Then we are going to come back, and have dinner and watch a movie. I still am having these little sniffle things, you know when your kids cry too hard, and they are gasping?? The ex just scares me. He is an angry person... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 AGP, You in no way are going to have your kids taken away from you! I know you are a great mother and so do they. AND, so does your ex. Yeah, he's just messing with you, because he knows how and which buttons to push. It's not normal. I had a jerk like this when I was soooo young. I was scared too. I know the mind games he's playing with you. Boy, I thought I was on a mental roller-coaster. He will not WIN anything. I'm just sorry that you have to be in contact with him. If you want to talk more you can always PM me. Also, as time goes by, you'll see that you are worth so much more then this. I know the time you are having and the things you are feeling. I wish you did not have to feel this way. But, just know, I KNOW how you feel. You are too good for this. You know that you are. I'm also glad to hear that you have someone to lean on through this. That is so important! Everything will work out. Trust me on this one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happysmiles007 Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ May 21 2005, 06:35 PM) I also have a real good friend to come over, one I have known for about 10 years now, and so sweet. We are going to go to town, and go to the dressage barn, so I can catch up on all the horses feed schedules and learn what time they want me to feed next weekend. Then we are going to come back, and have dinner and watch a movie. whew, sounds like a great night..nothing better than going to the barn with a good friend..the smell is what does it, i think! have a great night! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted May 22, 2005 Author Share Posted May 22, 2005 So, what he is pulling is normal for an abuser?? I am not losing my head?? If anyone has had an experience with this, please pm me, if you don't feel like posting... It would be so healing for me to know I am not crazy, or deserving of this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted May 22, 2005 Author Share Posted May 22, 2005 QUOTE (happysmiles007 @ May 21 2005, 07:10 PM) QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ May 21 2005, 06:35 PM) I also have a real good friend to come over, one I have known for about 10 years now, and so sweet. We are going to go to town, and go to the dressage barn, so I can catch up on all the horses feed schedules and learn what time they want me to feed next weekend. Then we are going to come back, and have dinner and watch a movie. whew, sounds like a great night..nothing better than going to the barn with a good friend..the smell is what does it, i think! have a great night! The warm fuzzy cuddles of a horse, their smell, and kind hearts. Big warm brown doe like eyes. And the camraderie of like minded people... You guys, and some of my few good friends here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 K! You must recognize that he is a manipulative person who is adept at pushing your buttons. You must let go of your hate! It can destroy you. Believe me, I know. All we can do here is tell you to be strong. To tell you that, judging by what we've seen of your heart and soul, that you are a loving, great Mommy! To paraphrase Mr. Peart, you MUST tell yourself how to feel! Eventually, you will believe it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madra sneachta Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ May 21 2005, 11:08 PM) Maybe I am a bad mommy, and don't deserve them... No No No No No No No No No No Kris, Whatever else you think, don't EVER allow yourself think that. He is an asshole, you're not. The fact that you even entertain that idea is, to me, proof positive that you're not. You mentioned before that one of the kids was sick and he wouldn't get off his butt and go to get her medicine. I know enough from chat and your posts over the past nine months to know that you would have walked barefoot through a blizzard to get that medicine. Do you think he analyses his parental suitability?. I don't think so. ((((((((((( BUGS )))))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invisibleairwaves Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v407/lakesidemaiden/hug.gifI hope it all turns out OK. You are a great person who doesn't deserve any of the rice this guy is dishing out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happysmiles007 Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ May 21 2005, 07:11 PM)The warm fuzzy cuddles of a horse, their smell, and kind hearts. Big warm brown doe like eyes. And the camraderie of like minded people... You guys, and some of my few good friends here. ahh!! ye hit the nail on the head there something about them just makes you feel so important, but not their first priority..like they want to give you attention, but aren't buttering you up..i love them! nothing beats talking to a horse when you've had a bad day, as stupid as that may sound! while you're there, i hope you can let go of some of the things you're worrying about, if only for a little while. hugs!! http://members.fortunecity.com/sierra_tango/hugs.gif Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted May 22, 2005 Author Share Posted May 22, 2005 Thanks everyone. I am still feeling anger, and a lot of hurt. I did go to the barn yesterday. I took some pictures too. I got lots of horse cuddles, all warm and fuzzy. One particular grumpy feller took to me, let me cuddle his face, then started licking my hands. Horses are wonderful at knowing just how to make you feel better. After some gear changing, and a good sleep, I am recharged and ready to take on this farkin a-hole!!! How dare he try to make me feel less of a person? How dare he still try to exert control and fear over me??? How dare anyone try to make us feel like less of a person? I don't need anyone to make me feel good about myself. I am doing my best, and if that isn't good enough for me and my babies, then I will just try harder!!! You know, people have risen from the ashes to become great at something. Thats what I am going to do. He will be sorry that he was ever abusive to me!!! He will wish that he was a decent man, and that he still had me, because money means the most to him!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted May 22, 2005 Author Share Posted May 22, 2005 Ok. So, now I should rename this my inspiration thread. I took a trip to the barn yesterday. I needed some encouragement badly. I came away feeling so good, and refreshed. I still want to keep this thread for my venting tho. Kind of like my assylum. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/spiritcreekmountain/lexington4.jpg This horse is a Dutch Warmblood named Lexington. He is 17.1 hands. My height is only 16 hand. I am 5'4" . He is like my dream horse. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/spiritcreekmountain/lexington3.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/spiritcreekmountain/lexington2.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/spiritcreekmountain/lexington.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/spiritcreekmountain/filly.jpg This is the newest addition to the Lippizan family. A sweet little filly. She was sleeping here. So cute!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arndrake Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ May 22 2005, 10:00 AM)You know, people have risen from the ashes to become great at something. Thats what I am going to do. He will be sorry that he was ever abusive to me!!! He will wish that he was a decent man, and that he still had me, because money means the most to him!!! Good attitude. As long as you are above his abuse, he loses. It is good to fight back, just be careful what you say. It seems obvious that he would do anything to hurt you, which means he could use something you said against you. My mother was married to a horrible, abusive man; thankfully, it wasn't my father, although he did not treat her well, which is why she fell prey to the charms of this monster. He did everything he could to hurt, demean, and keep my mother under his thumb, to keep her servile and afraid to even think about leaving. It sounds like you were under the same black spell, but were able to escape. Because he lost you, he is doing the next thing to hurt you, which is demean you and threaten to take away your children. As long as you have proof that there is no reason for him to take them away, no abuse or neglect (which I am sure is not a problem), he has no grounds for taking them away. My best advice is stay civil to him, don't fall into his traps. When he tries to bait you, just tell him he is not saying anything you want to hear and walk away. If he tries to physically abuse you, grab you, or hurt you, that's assault and that ruins any claim he has on your children. Keep your chin up, stay on your guard, treat him like you would a business acquaintance, and all should be well. And spend as much time as you can around the horses, they seem to be your best therapy. btw, why does Oregon seem to be a haven for abusive spouses and single mothers escaping abusive relationships? I think I have seen more examples of this in Oregon than anywhere else I have visited or lived. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happysmiles007 Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ May 22 2005, 10:31 AM) Ok. So, now I should rename this my inspiration thread. I took a trip to the barn yesterday. I needed some encouragement badly. I came away feeling so good, and refreshed. I still want to keep this thread for my venting tho. Kind of like my assylum. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/spiritcreekmountain/lexington4.jpg This horse is a Dutch Warmblood named Lexington. He is 17.1 hands. My height is only 16 hand. I am 5'4" . He is like my dream horse. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/spiritcreekmountain/lexington3.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/spiritcreekmountain/lexington2.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/spiritcreekmountain/lexington.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/spiritcreekmountain/filly.jpg This is the newest addition to the Lippizan family. A sweet little filly. She was sleeping here. So cute!!! wow, what a gorgeous horse!! i'm glad you could escape like that..there's nothing better! plus, that little foal is absolutely to die for! AWW!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted May 22, 2005 Author Share Posted May 22, 2005 So, today, when I went to pick up the kiddles, he was sweet as pie... I get so stressed out, not knowing what to expect from him. I am going to go Monday, and speak to someone about getting legal help tho, someone has to be available to help me get out of this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 AGP, I would recommend that you call your township and local court. They have people there that WILL help you I know the court will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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