Just for fun

[Maddy]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Dec 10 2006, 09:45 AM)

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Dec 10 2006, 07:20 AM) A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Maddy @ Dec 11 2006, 01:30 PM)

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Dec 10 2006, 09:45 AM) QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Dec 10 2006, 07:20 AM) A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration

[Cygnus]

There was this school-girl who was late to class- like, 45 minutes. She runs into the classroom and sits down in her seat and the teacher goes up to her and says 'you're late, did u know you missed a whole period?' and the girl turn to the teacher and says 'U mean, I'm pregnant!'

[Cygnus]

Element Name: WOMAN

 

Symbol: WO

 

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

 

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

 

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

 

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

 

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

 

[Cygnus]

Why did the women cross the road?

 

 

 

 

Well thats not the point

 

What is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!

[Cygnus]

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

 

The clerk turned, looked her up and down, smiled, and said,"Nice tits."

[porthleven's rose]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 12 2006, 04:43 PM)

Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Wow,Cygnus-where do you find them!!!

That one's terrific

[ladirushfan80]

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;

I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.

I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.

This room's a disaster...just look at this mess!

 

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.

They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, I"ve got cramps in my legs.

The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

 

There's a knock at the door and the telephone''s ringing.

Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done,

My cookbook is soiled, with butter and crumbs.

 

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;

Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;

Then he grins as he chuckles, "The eggnog is ready!

 

He looks around and with total regret, says,

"What's taking so long...aren't you through in here yet?

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife,

He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life!

 

He flees from the room in terror and pain and screams,

"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

 

Now what was I doing,, and what is that smell?

Oh,darn it's the pies! They're burned all to..well

I hate to admit when I make a mistake.,

but I put them on BROIL, instead of on BAKE.

 

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?

If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays.

It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

 

But I promise you one thing, if I live 'til next year,

You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter...and if that does'nt work,

I"LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

 

[porthleven's rose]

oh,that's terrific!!!

[Daylin]

Very funny, Cygnus and ladi

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/image0011.jpg

[failte]

[Cygnus]

What is needed to survive family reunions at Christmas

 

[blonde77th]

I just came back from seeing 3 of my wild grandkids i could of used that kit

[Cygnus]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME -

 

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. You should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

 

[failte]

[Maddy]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 20 2006, 03:23 PM)

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME - According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. You should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[porthleven's rose]

and to you Cygnus!

That's a gem

[ladirushfan80]

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

 

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

 

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

 

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

 

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

 

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

 

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

 

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

 

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

 

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together

Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

 

Man: When are we going to go out?

Woman: When you are the last man on earth and I run out of batteries.

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Dec 22 2006, 12:54 PM)

Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together Man: When are we going to go out? Woman: When you are the last man on earth and I run out of batteries.

[porthleven's rose]

0hgod,that's brilliant!!!

[Maddy]

I wish I'd thought of that last one a few weeks ago...

[failte]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Dec 22 2006, 12:54 PM)

Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together Man: When are we going to go out? Woman: When you are the last man on earth and I run out of batteries.

perfect!!

 

[Cygnus]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases

it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the

car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and

stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The

lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to

approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't

very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged,

approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on

here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by

the road?!" asks the Officer...Okay, now wait for the punch line.....Are

you ready?

 

 

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied

 

[failte]