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Monty Python Thread


Bastille Night
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Undertaker Morning.

Man Good Morning.

Undertaker What can I do for you, squire?

Man Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. You see, my mother has just died.

Undertaker Ah well, we can help you. We deal with stiffs.

Man What?

Undertaker Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.

Man Dump her?

Undertaker Dump her in the Thames.

Man What?

Undertaker Oh, did you like her?

Man Yes!

Undertaker Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think? We can bury her or burn her.

Man Well, which do you recommend?

Undertaker Well, they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead, but quick. (the audience starts booing) and then we give you handful of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.

Man Oh.

Undertaker Or, if we bury her she gets eaten up lots of weevils, and nasty maggots, (the booing increases) which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.

Man I see. Well, she's definitely dead.

Undertaker Where is she?

Man She's in this sack.

Undertaker Can I have a look? She looks quite young.

Man Yes, yes, she was.

 

Increasing protests from audience

Undertaker (calling) Fred!

Fred's voice Yeah?

Undertaker I think we've got an eater.

Man What?

 

Another undertaker pokes his head round the door

Fred Right, I'll get the oven on. (goes off)

Man Er, excuse me, um, are you suggesting eating my mother?

Undertaker Er ... Yeah. Not raw. Cooked.

Man What?

Undertaker Yes, roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce ...

Man Well, I do feel a bit peckish.

Voice From Audience Disgraceful! Boo! (etc.)

Undertaker Great!

Man Can we have some parsnips?

Undertaker (calling) Fred - get some parsnips.

Man I really don't think I should.

Undertaker Look, tell you what, we'll eat her, if you feel a bit guilty about it after, we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.

rofl3.gif

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QUOTE (1-0-0-1-0-0-1 @ Aug 22 2010, 12:29 AM)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v318/1001001/spottheloony.jpg

Where is the "very silly" party? confused13.gif That may split the silly vote. unsure.gif

Edited by blackhawkrush
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Hello? Ah, Mr Victim, I'm glad to say that I've got the go-ahead to lend you the money you require. Yes, of course we will want as security the deeds of your house, of your aunt's house, of your second cousin's house, of your wife's parents' house, and of your grannie's bungalow, and we will in addition need a controlling interest in your new company, unrestricted access to your private bank account, the deposit in our vaults of your three children as hostages and a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement carried out against you by any members of our staff during the normal course of their duties... no, I'm afraid we couldn't accept your dog instead of your youngest child, we would like to suggest a brand new scheme of ours under which 51% of both your dog and your wife pass to us in the event of your suffering a serious accident. Fine. No, not at all, nice to do business with you.
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QUOTE (blackhawkrush @ Aug 22 2010, 11:39 PM)
QUOTE (Jaye @ Aug 22 2010, 06:24 PM)
My hovercraft is full of eels! tongue.gif

My nipples explode with delight. ph34r.gif

I will not buy this record, it is scratched dazed025.gif

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QUOTE (Your_Lion @ Aug 23 2010, 05:17 AM)
QUOTE (blackhawkrush @ Aug 22 2010, 11:39 PM)
QUOTE (Jaye @ Aug 22 2010, 06:24 PM)
My hovercraft is full of eels! tongue.gif

My nipples explode with delight. ph34r.gif

I will not buy this record, it is scratched dazed025.gif

I am no longer infected. common001.gif

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QUOTE (blackhawkrush @ Aug 23 2010, 05:15 AM)
QUOTE (Your_Lion @ Aug 23 2010, 05:17 AM)
QUOTE (blackhawkrush @ Aug 22 2010, 11:39 PM)
QUOTE (Jaye @ Aug 22 2010, 06:24 PM)
My hovercraft is full of eels! tongue.gif

My nipples explode with delight. ph34r.gif

I will not buy this record, it is scratched dazed025.gif

I am no longer infected. common001.gif

Do you Wannnnnt to come home with me? Bouncy bouncy.

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