Good,bad,andrush Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 I advanced to the next level, and if I win this one I get a chance of 1600 $ in scholarships. Here is the essay I wrote tonight. The topic is about the four aspects that make a man a man, which would be strong mind, great heart, true faith, and ready hands. It's an excerpt from a religious text though, and though I am not religious it was either this topic or the oil spill that i don't know much about. It's long and not that great, but let me know what you think please (forgive spelling and grammar errors since I'm retyping it on an iPad.) and if it's not that great I wrote it in an hour so please consider that if you're gonna give feedback. Also, there are few rush references and many rush philosophies And here it is: He demands light, yet we remain in darkness. When God asked for a light, he did not give it to us; he expected us to find it. The divided structure of our catatonic world is shedding what little light it has left to find. Why can not a man stand with open mind, content heart, bold faith, and able hands, and then seek light? Because Man is an opportunist, a beast taking comfort in what lies directly in front and behind Him. Man's attempt to find light is devoid of purpose until Man can perpetuate balance. This balance consists of a loving mind and sensible heart, of ready faith and truthful hands. At this age of existene, the fantastical battle of light and darkness serves as a remarkable far cry for change. So many classic novels, films, and songs have been written on the timeless subject, but has an honest man looked at at light through darkness, and at darkness through light? Take the word of the Lord, the Lord of a good number of people on the planet. "Let the be light." That sentence is a command, and not a statement that light will exist. "And there was light." we forget the bible is a metaphor, and that the familiar opening resembles eternity. Does this mean that light does not enter the world until the end of eternity? No; we must work as an entity to make the second set of words truth. Is it because not everyone believes in the same god that this celestial light has not been found? Again, no. Instead, it is because the permanent, beautiful essence of the first words have left mankind in a deceitful yet comfortable state, much like one springing from a promising addiction. Failure to create the light results in eternal struggle. The interpretation of the battle of light and darkness will continue to appeal only to those who look forward and backward, but never around. It will appeal only to the lowest common denominator, and not the union of heart and mind, body and faith. Therefore, a plea to a god, however soothing, is only a means of triggering devious solace. Yet, a reliance on reason alone can result in a reduction of joy. In retrospect, science and religion have fought for many years. While many are losing faith in God (or a god), those who are truly faithful are becoming more faithful. The fight only grows colder as the two branch apart. But when a plea to a god calls for an honest man to shine in the darkest of time, what type of man will that god send? If he sends a faithful man, the man will be blinded by faith and inadequate for those who place no trust in faith; similarly, if he sends a thinker who decides to place reason over faith and science over religion, then that man will not find spirit. God giving us men is not God giving us men. God giving us men is Man placing faith in himself and uniting the other three equally important aspects that make him man. These aspects form a balanced needed to soothe the twitching, wheezing world. With ready hands, Man can take his basic survival needs and climb the first step of the pyramid. With strong mind, Man can form security and stability, climbing the second step. With true faith in himself, Man can allow love to motivate him, climbing the third step. With a great heart, man can allow honesty and honor to flow within him. With these intact, man can reach the fifth and final step: balance. As the world continues to shudder, correct application of Mankind's aspects fade away. Some places are forever frozen, physically and emotionally. Others are burning, either from the sun's cancerous rays or violence raging through blood. We acquire knowledge of all fallacies because the exponential increase in technology over the past decade has allowed for a communication not heard of since the biblical story of Babel's Tower. We have all the bad news we would like at our fingertips. Wonders like Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube have become the new means of communication. People communicate with others they seemingly relate to in the world, and the tower rises. Unfortunately, because communication is so simple, Man has lost the primary means of climbing the first step of the pyramid. Uncontrolled lethargy spread like a tumor, and we lost the ability to do work with ready hands. The led to the disaffiliation of security. We no longer rely on our own work, but the work of others. But what work will there be to rely on when honesty has been effaced from existence? Loss of security led to loss of faith. This does not necessarily had to be faith in a god, but faith one's own ability to love another. Of course, this domino effect will cause the tower to crumble down bit by bit, perhaps never even reaching the fourth step: honesty. And such a shame, because the pieces were so mechanically decorated. Like the nature we once breathed in, our modern science must be controlled. It can lead to a stable version of Babel's Tower. It can demand division so that we better ourselves, and ultimately call for light once we have climbed the fourth step. Only then can we ascend towards the fifth step. Until we master what we have created, we are left in darkness. What is more fearful is that we know light exists. It seems we are cattle, fed unnatural hormones that stimulate nothing. This metaphor is humorous and quite shocking because it is drastically true that as a society, we are becoming lazier, stupider, fatter. It is depressing how our once philosophical race can be so easily compared to beef. The love of wisdom and wisdom of love cease to exist. Someone must grow, take mind heart, spirit, and body, and challenge the artificial lust and spoils of all office. It is a reasonable and heart-felt opinion joined with a faithful and unbreakable will that will produce honor and honesty. But until then, we are hopeless, unable to realize we ha duties to fulfill: a switch that must be turned on using the proper utilization of our four limbs. The world demands it now more than ever, and we remain divided. A limb here, a limb there. 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Good,bad,andrush Posted April 2, 2011 Author Share Posted April 2, 2011 Wow my mom (who's an English teacher) began reading this and butchered the first paragraph the first thing she noticed was that I said "When god asked for a light" technically means God asking for someone to light his cigar I guess I meant to put "for light." remember, I had an hour to write it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CMWriter Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 I'm not sure exactly what kind of essay the contest was looking for (more personal or more expository?) but it's very eloquently written. My only nitpick on formality is the use of the word "we". Your style is great and it flows pretty well. Some use of different religious texts to back up any of your statements may have done you well but, again, I'm not sure quite what the judges are looking for. Overall, really good, and you probably have a fair chance of doing well. An hour's not very long to write a whole essay! Best of luck to you when the results come out. (: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer_sky Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 QUOTE (Good,bad,andrush @ Apr 1 2011, 10:17 PM) Wow my mom (who's an English teacher) began reading this and butchered the first paragraph the first thing she noticed was that I said "When god asked for a light" technically means God asking for someone to light his cigar I guess I meant to put "for light." remember, I had an hour to write it wonder if God smokes Cubans or Hondurans? Congratulations on moving onto the next level! Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowItIs Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 Very nice Now, I am taking you at your word here, so as a fellow writer, if I may make a few suggestions....? Why can not a man stand... This would parse better if you moved "not" i.e. "Why can a man not stand..." or better yet, "why can't a man stand..." fantastical isn't really a word. "Fantastic" will do what you want on its own. man looked at at light through extra "at" Take the word of the Lord, the Lord of a good number... There's no need to repeat "the Lord." It reads like a typo we forget the bible is a metaphor, and that the familiar opening resembles eternity. Try "represents" rather than "resembles" I believe that is what you are going for, yes? The fight only grows colder as the two branch apart. Rather than "branch" may I suggest "split"? ... and we remain divided. A limb here, a limb there. It would create a stronger ending if you left off that last sentence, IMO. I hope you don't feel that I am picking on you or trying to be superior. But we writers have to be honest with one another and offer the best critique we can to help one another improve. I love the way you sneaked the Rush references in there! Very nice. Wishing you the best of luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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