Moonlit Dreamer

Thank you to everyone who responded to me; I really do appreciate it. I'm sorry that I haven't replied yet. I am an introvert, so communicating is sometimes difficult for me. I'm also less motivated to write when I'm in this frame of mind. They took photos of the house yesterday, which included photos of my personal belongings. Pictures of my life, of everything that matters to me, for all of the world to see. I feel violated. I work, I pay my bills, I abide by the law, I keep to myself, yet this is what I deserve. I feel like I am made of lead, like I'm dragging myself around. This is perhaps the worst that I have ever felt. I can't believe this is happening. I would seek help, but I don't want to lose my job because I was hospitalized and unable to show up. I also need to be here for my cats and my dog, so I make myself keep going for them even though I really can't. If they weren't here, I wouldn't be either. The air in this home feels heavy, dark, and silent, like the house is aware of the hell unfolding. It seems the world was set out to destroy me from the start, and I don't understand why. I really should not be alone at this time. Then I think about my job and my four-legged companions, and I have no choice. I have reached a dead end.

The person I'm renting my home from has made the decision to sell it. I'm being forced to leave unless I can somehow come up with the money to purchase it. I can barely cover my bills as it is and I have nowhere to go. I don't know what else to do at this point but drink wine and enjoy my music, and appreciate what I still have in this moment. I feel dead. I have worked so hard to get here. Now everything is being taken away. Again. Maybe there are people who remember me, and know that my father passed away ten years ago. My mother and I lost the home that he built because he refinanced to establish his own company. We couldn't afford the mortgage, and he removed my mother's name when they divorced. Consequently our home was foreclosed on. It haunts me every day to think that a stranger is sleeping in my father's room, and someone else is using the kitchen where we cooked all of our Sunday dinners and holiday meals. Now I'm losing everything, all over again. This life feels like a movie. It doesn't even seem real anymore. Grieving over the past is one thing, but wondering if I will have a roof over my head is something entirely different. I'm losing the strength to continue onward. I keep thinking about my great grandfather. He commited suicide. I never had the chance to meet him, but I feel that I am experiencing the same emotions that he did in his final days. I don't want to bother anyone with my problems, and I know I'm not the only one struggling, but this feels so bad. I’m terrified.

Ivan Rebroff: Ochi Chernye I love him. His voice is so comforting.

Evanescence: Taking Over Me

Barclay James Harvest: For No One

Last few ~ Peter Hammill: The Comet, The Course, The Tail Dio: Sacred Heart Blind Guardian: The New Order Annisokay: Nihilist Blues

Uriah Heep: Rainbow Demon

Uriah Heep: Weep In Silence

Red Sun Rising: Uninvited

Talk Talk: The Party’s Over Talk Talk: It’s My Life

Last few ~ Renaissance: Mother Russia Renaissance: Kiev Steve Hackett: Love Song To A Vampire Marillion: Chelsea Monday

Behemoth: Satanica

Lucifer's Children: Signs Of Saturn Queensrÿche: Queensrÿche EP Bathory: Twilight Of The Gods

Behemoth: I Loved You At Your Darkest Fates Warning: No Exit

Edit: Apparently no one cares. Thank you.