The Notorious B.S.G.

One of MY personal favorites. Yup.

Yeah, yeah, I know we have several picture threads, but darnit, this is MY joke thread! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/toiletstolen.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/straightvsgay.jpg Don't forget to read the fine print: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/sharpedgedsign.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/diamondbillboard.jpg

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 18 2005, 11:41 AM) Dude you need to get here more often. check previous posts Hey Cyg! Wassup, dude? I promise next time before I post to read EVERY SINGLE POST in all forums. Oy! < Let's do this soon, eh?

This seems an apropro place...................... _________________________________________ The Male Commandments 1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle. 2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs. 3. When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 4. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'. 5. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 6. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til later. 7. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%). 8. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 9. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 10. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 11. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker. 12. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own----weed whacker, car, firstborn child----within 12 hours' notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free. 13. It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbottoning her blouse; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw. 14. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes. 15. Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rugrat's toys for two years. 16. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest. 17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 18. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean. 19. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours. 20. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional). 21. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick. 22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 23. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 24. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh. 25. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing. 26. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood. 27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!"; "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"; "Another set and we can hit the showers."; "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?" 28. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless model....and it's free. 29. When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit). 30. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the "family jewels." 31. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible "I recognize you" nod is all the conversation you need. 32. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 33. The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy. 34. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 35. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. 36. If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully." 37. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

.... SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT ALONE !!! Texas A&M News Update July 2005 Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked his ass.

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN: Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, Gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, With a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, Lost the war and haunted by past mistakes. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, Very wide and borders are now unpatrolled. After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there. GEOGRAPHY OF MEN Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq before 2003 - Ruled by a dick.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

For you, Madra: _________________________________ Stranded Irishman. One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped! a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened it and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!!!!"

Life in Florida........................... ain'nit just GRAND? ____________________________ Remember the guy who hated snow & kept a diary....... well now, I think he moved to Florida! April 30th: Dear diary: Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. May 14th: Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshiper. June 5th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today but I love it here. July 1st: The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about; still seems hot. Getting used to it - will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like. July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. July 20th: I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door, he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibble and poop. No more pets in this heat! July 25th: Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $20 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane. July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's ; $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th: 100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state. Aug 8th: If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!! Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place?? Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug 30th: Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. Wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.

Hmm...................... looks like somebody set up us the bomb!

Lemme at 'em! (Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)

Foo Fighters - In Your Honor (LOVE the "hard" CD, starting to get into the "soft" CD.) 3 Coldplay CD's (Parachutes, A Rush of Blood to the Head, X & Y) - Why waste time? I just went ahead and got them all at once. I like the latter two better than the first. Abba - Greatest Hits or somesuch. (My first time I broke down and bought anything by these Swedish popsters.) Why are you looking at me like that? C'mon! You NEVER sang along to "Dancing Queen"?..................... Liar!)

QUOTE (sullysue @ Jul 12 2005, 05:29 PM) Nothing more annoying than the girls at full attention for no apparent reason. Poe-tay-toe, pah-tah-toe! You say "annoying", I say "wonderful".

"This thread is tuh-men-ay-ted!" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/Forum/terminator.jpg

Men in a nutshell............. (for those who were wondering): http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/maninanutshell.jpg

Don't blame the caps-lock on me. It came to me like this and I "ain'na bout ta" re-type it .............. ______________________________________________ MAN GETS INTO HIS SEAT ON AN AIRLINE, WHICH IS ABOUT TO TAKE OFF, WHEN ANOTHER MAN WITH A LABRADOR RETRIEVER OCCUPIES THE TWO EMPTY SEATS BESIDE HIM. THE LAB IS SITUATED IN THE MIDDLE AND THE FIRST MAN IS LOOKING QUIZZICALLY AT THE DOG WHEN THE SECOND MAN EXPLAINS THAT THEY WORK FOR THE AIRLINE. THE AIRLINE REP SAYS, "DON'T MIND SNIFFER. HE'S A SNIFFING DOG, THE BEST THERE IS. I'LL SHOW YOU ONCE WE GET AIRBORNE WHEN I PUT HIM TO WORK". THE PLANE TAKES OFF AND LEVELS OUT WHEN THE HANDLER SAYS TO THE FIRST MAN, "WATCH THIS". HE TELLS THE DOG, "SNIFFER, SEARCH". SNIFFER JUMPS DOWN, WALKS ALONG THE AISLE AND SITS NEXT TO A WOMAN FOR A FEW SECONDS. IT THEN RETURNS TO ITS SEAT AND PUTS ONE PAW ON THE HANDLER'S ARM. HE SAYS, "GOOD BOY". THE AIRLINE REP TURNS TO THE FIRST MAN AND SAYS, "THAT WOMAN IS IN POSSESSION OF MARIJUANA, SO I'M MAKING A NOTE OF THIS AND HER SEAT NUMBER FOR THE POLICE WHO WILL APPREHEND HER UPON ARRIVAL". "FANTASTIC"! REPLIES THE FIRST MAN. ONCE AGAIN, HE SENDS SNIFFER TO SEARCH THE AISLES. THE LAB SNIFFS ABOUT, SITS DOWN BESIDE A MAN FOR A FEW SECONDS, RETURNS TO ITS SEAT, AND PLACES TWO PAWS ON THE HANDLER'S ARM. THE AIRLINE REP SAYS, "THAT MAN IS CARRYING COCAINE, SO AGAIN, I'M MAKING A NOTE OF THIS AND THE SEAT NUMBER. "I LIKE IT", SAYS THE FIRST MAN. A THIRD TIME, THE REP SENDS SNIFFER TO SEARCH THE AISLES. SNIFFER GOES UP AND DOWN THE PLANE AND AFTER A WHILE, SITS DOWN NEXT TO SOMEONE. HE THEN COMES RACING BACK, JUMPS UP ONTO HIS SEAT, AND POOPS ALL OVER THE PLACE. THE FIRST MAN IS REALLY GROSSED OUT BY THIS BEHAVIOR FROM A SUPPOSEDLY WELL-TRAINED SNIFFING DOG AND ASKS, "WHAT'S GOING ON?" THE HANDLER REPLIES NERVOUSLY, "HE JUST FOUND A BOMB".

QUOTE (GhostGirl @ May 10 2005, 04:20 PM) QUOTE (BSG @ May 10 2005, 02:28 PM) The Enemy Within That's it! Oh............. umm....... err..... I will forfeit my turn to whomever posts next. (I only guessed at it because I couldn't bear to see folks flailing away when the answer became so apparent after GG's many clues.) Oy! <harumph>

The Enemy Within

"Alien Shore"? Obvious, yes, but sometimes Occam's razor applies.

INTERCOURSE the penguin!!!

Gary Wright ("Oooh-ooh, Dream Weaver") in 19 <cough cough> seventy-something. I was 14 and my mother hadn't ACTUALLY given us permission to go, (oops!), and certainly NOT with the town wild-man-crazy-driver-with-gravel-spitting-on-country-backroads-old-enough-to-buy-beer-and-corrupt-impressionable-minors Doug M. Needless to say, there was a certain amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth when we returned. Gary Wright was ok, but I did MUCH better in my next outing, as I saw that Canadian trio on their "Semi-spheres" tour.

No Earth, I don't want to let it die. This is a pretty neat thread. Umm................ gimme a few hours to come up with an idea. (I work slowly, ya see.)

Is there an attraction at Disneyland based on "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"? If there is, that is my guess.

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Mar 5 2005, 07:48 PM) Clerks...especially the 37! scene Oh yeah! I LOVE Clerks, and Dogma, another Kevin Smith-er.

I have quite a few of them........ Fearless (Jeff Bridges as a plane crash survivor. An extraordinary movie. I feel changed after every time I see it.) North By Northwest (Hitchcock at his best.) Breaker Morant (Part court-room drama, part war movie, part western, literary, smart, and tough. An awesome flick.) Say Anything (I just like it, eh?) Star Trek II (KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!! KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!) The Bridge on the River Kwai (Wow!) ............eh. That's enough for now.