Malcolm Reynolds

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[...] Sorry for the wall of text, but hopefully this helps you in some way. :) Don't apologize. You really did hit the nail on the head. I've tried yoga/meditation and they're arguably the most maddening activities I've ever done. I can't bring myself to sit still and do them because my mind instantly goes to the more useful or more enjoyable things I could be doing that doesn't involve staying in one position and not getting anything accomplished. I can't exactly afford to travel very often, so that's off the list.

I am so very happy to read this. You have been on my mind a lot, believe it or not, and in my prayers. :cheers: Thank you for the kind words. I do appreciate them.

Really? That's great! :ebert:

I know, which is why I mentioned it in my last post. I'll keep at it and it's likely my family will constantly be checking in on me and getting on my case until the end of the semester, which is encouraging.

Just a quick update: So everyone knows. The topic has been discussed at great length with the family and a university counselor. Naturally the family is very concerned...it feels like I have to reassure them almost as much as they have to reassure me. The counselor is pretty confident that this will all go away once the semester if over. I'm inclined to believe him. In the meantime: yoga, meditation and longer cardio workouts. Seems reasonable. It does help, not a lot but I've only been at it for a few days. The pressure is still gradually piling on as the semester inches its way to a close. On the bright side, I got a call this morning for an interview from a company I applied to back in January for a summer internship. They didn't answer my emails because apparently they just collect resumes for internships until spring break and start sorting through them afterwards. So there's a chance... I'd like to thank you guys for being supportive. I'm sure this has looked all very dramatic. I don't think I'd have come clean with anyone if it weren't for those first few posts. While this semester is likely to remain difficult, this has made it a lot easier...hopefully easy enough that these thoughts will stay out of mind.

I do hope they show you the same compassion as those you've already told. I'm going to guess, based on the fact that you refer to finishing college and then going on to university, that you're not in the States. I'm not sure what career path you're pursuing but it sounds as though it requires a targeted professional degree. Otherwise I'd echo what some others are saying - that grades matter surprisingly little once you actually enter the workforce. I have an MA in Philosophy, of all things, and I work in wireless/telecommunications! All anyone really cares about is that I have a degree. Please don't discount your family's offer of professional help if the university services don't seem to be working. And meds aren't the Big Bad Wolf some people make them out to be. If you need them, don't feel like you've somehow failed. Yeah, the grades aren't especially important, but a passing one is more or less required to get that first job. I've spoke to people from all over my industry (I'm on pretty good terms with the professors, and I've gotten contacts...but sadly no bloody internships) and they basically all told me "lol GPA...you're getting the paper because you're not sure what you should be learning on your own so you need some guidance with that and you want a bargaining chip to justify a higher pay than the other guy. Oh at it gets you into the interview room for your first few jobs but there are other ways in there". My problem is that it just feels futile much of the time, that I devote so much of my time to studying, and I put my heart and soul into my work and yet here I am grasping at straws for grades and jobs in the field. Furthermore I used to get solid grades to the point where when I applied to university I could get into anything but the three most competitive programs with confidence that they'd accept my application. So this is a huge fall for me. I don't see meds as the big bad wolf, I just try to avoid them. If a doctor recommends I take something I'm damn going taking the pills and follow the instructions that came with them to the letter. However when it's an "if you want" scenario rather than a recommendation I'll usually skip them. My doctor is pretty on the ball and he seems to know exactly when to recommend something or just say "if it's bad, take this". So I trust his judgement. The university services should do the trick. I'll just try scheduling more appointments. I believe they give priority to more serious cases so we'll see where this ends up.

I spoke to part of my family about it. They weren't all that surprised considering they've seen the stress I've been under, but at the same time concerned. They offered to find me professional help, I figure why spend the money when the university gives each student a bunch of counseling sessions for free? It's on campus too so it's not out of my way. So looks like long term is pretty clear....I still need to figure out how the hell I'm going to make it out of the short term (ie keeping myself from failing). I figure it's only a matter of days before everyone in my family knows. I do not look forward to hearing the rest of their reactions.

I've thought about it. I'm not sure if I will. On the bright side I have until the first day of a given semester to just drop everything without fees or penalty, so I have until September again to decide. I'd jump on taking a semester or even a year off if I had employment in the field I'm studying, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen. I've thought about taking a semester off to work on my own projects and build my portfolio and knowledge of things useful to employers that isn't available to be learned in a classroom and it may be beneficial. It will shift things over nicely so I'd be able to take one of the courses I wouldn't have been able to take otherwise which I would like to take. It's definitely something I will be giving thought over the summer.

I agree- if your family is as supportive as you say they are, then you need to find it in you to be brutally honest with them about where you are in your own head. That can be a huge mind-monster, but it may very well turn out better than you think. I also agree that professional help would be a good thing, if you can get it. But that is also something that won't help unless you can be completely honest with a therapist. It's great that you feel comfortable enough with us here to talk about this, but posting these things on a website only goes so far. There are likely a lot more things you'll need to disclose if you're going to get to the heart of the issue(s). I know that posting on a website will only go so far, but this post wasn't made to find the end all solution. I made it with the intention of looking for advice to find a starting point for dealing with this. I've had some ideas on how to deal with it, but I'm posting here to check that the stress isn't affecting my judgement too much while still saving face with people who know me. Based on these posts I'm going to have to come clean to my family. I'm not looking forward to the discussion, but it must be done.

I see the university counselor whenever I can. Sadly this amounts to about once a month because of the sheer amount of students and few counselors available. I've called a few times to see if I could get an earlier appointment but no one cancels. It looks like I'm going to end up on some sort of anti-anxiety medication as we've gone through yoga and a bunch of other techniques which don't do much. Which is a shame because throwing pills at the problem is against my philosophy. I've always avoided meds unless I absolutely needed them....if a calmer mind will improve my performance at this point it's worth a shot I guess.

There's no tutoring available for anything beyond 200 level courses, Those ones I managed to do average on. I've asked professors for tutors, they all respond with something like "There are no tutors. Just ask me, that's why I have office hours" and then get frustrated when I ask the most basic of questions. I have the textbooks and consult them regularly, I find online recordings on youtube, even notes from other universities but I still don't always get it.

This is exactly why I'm stressing out. This kind of fate is exactly what I don't want. I love what I'm studying. I've gone off the beaten path and worked as hard as I have to catch up with the other students (which I have caught up). To me, abandoning this career path is failure in its purest form, and that's something I just can't handle. It's this thought exactly that I've deemed unacceptable from the start and yet it seems like an increasingly real scenario.

Hi. I'm using an alt to maintain some form of anonymity and to keep my dignity. I considered posting this when I first made my account, but like everything else I keep thinking I can hold on and get through this, but you know what? I CAN'T. I need help and advice and I don't know what to do any more and I'm too bloody proud to admit just how far gone I feel. I hope the admins don't mind. I promise not to use this account for anything else. I don't know who to turn too. If I turned to my loved ones they'll think less of me. Their image of the ideal person that they think I am will be shattered and I wouldn't want that to do that. I want to live up to it. My girlfriend of many years knows, but I haven't told her about this yet. So she knows I've been cracking under pressure, but not this much. She'd worry out of her mind. She has enough problems to deal with. I have friends I could turn to, but frankly only one is a good enough friend to talk to and I honestly don't know what he could possibly do to help me, so I don't tell him. My environment is not at an issue. I have an incredibly loving family that thinks very highly of me, thinking I'll go far in life. I thought I would too, I worked hard and it seemed to be going well. Now I just can't handle the pressure. I'm in university, working my ass off and I'm barely passing. I work day and night and seemingly get nowhere. I used to do above average in college, aces in high school. I don't know what went wrong. Is it my study habits? Is it me? Am I just not trying hard enough? Since college I've had a lot of pressure and it was a hard time keeping my grades up, but it was doable. Once I got into university it really piled on, and to cope I moved more towards escapism. I'm about midway through my degree. Failed a course, nearly failed quite a few, I feel like I'm going to fail a few more this semester. I've been managing to break free of my escapism bit by bit this semester thanks to my girlfriend and my family. I bit the bullet and came clean with that much and productivity has improved, but not by enough. I'm still falling behind all the time and I don't know what to do. I can't handle the stress of thinking I could potentially fail. For the last 8 months or so I get these thoughts in my head. At first I could just push them away, they were fleeting, easy to dismiss "just three steps forward into the tracks and the stress will be gone", "it's a narrow road, move the wheel just a teensy bit to the left right into that guy's hummer. It'll be quick". Now these little ideas have gotten less specific, just the thought of killing myself seems to pop in to my mind nearly daily. Why? Over grades? bah. You don't need grades to live. I've been told this time and again. If I don't get my degree, then I won't be able to get a job that which I love doing. I don't need a high GPA, I just need to maintain a passing one (ie don't fail any more classes). As it stands I've had a hell of a time finding an internship. Even calling in every favour I can think of hasn't led me to one. If I can't get a decent job, then I can't be self sufficient, which means I may end up being homeless, or on welfare, or god knows what else, and the idea frightens me to no end. I'd be a failure. Honestly, the only thing keeping my from offing myself is that I'd inconvenience a lot of people by doing so painlessly, not to mention the suffering I'd cause my family and girlfriend. I'd like to think my girlfriend will always be there for me. She has for many years, but one of the things that kept us together smoothly for so long is that we always played things day by day. No long term promises, just to do out best to be the best we can to each other in the here and now...so I have no idea if she'll stick with me in the long haul and that's a reality I need to face. I have frequent panic attacks. Not as frequent as the thought of killing myself any more as I've managed to get them under control. For the last ~10-12 months these have come on, starting with the feeling that my heart is in a block of ice. The coldness spreads to my torso and arms. No amount of sweaters or blankets make it go away. It's so strong sometimes I just want to huddle in a corner and cry until it goes away. I've managed to get it to the point where it still happens, but I can maintain control of myself that I can work a bit...slowly...but I can. I try not to bother anyone when this happens though... I need help. You guys are a great community and so I ask for your advice...what should I do? Aside from the obvious don't kill myself.