Garden Dancer

Thank you for sharing your story. What you're saying doesn't sound weird at all and I will tell you why. I grew up in a family of Stephen King buffs and while I never really freaked out while watching the movies it was what happened afterwards that made me stop watching them forever. I'd have TERRIBLE nightmares, horrifying, vivid, scary nightmares immediately after watching them and then for days after. I've never had any movies affect me that way, usually if they are going to scare me, disturb me, or freak me out, they do so while they're being watched. I think he's jinxed. :) I think maybe it's more that he's a little too good at what he does, LOL. M parents both King fans, my husband as well. I started reading him, as well, and the guy seriously has a talent for getting into your head! After reading a novel, my perceptions of reality get thoroughly skewed! I have lost some sleep due to his books.. and there are a few I simply will not touch, just because of what my sweetie's told me!

...and we all know that Virgo freakin' rock the Zodiac hardest! (or something...) [super cheesy] Hey baby, what's your sign.?. [/super cheesy] :laughing yellow guy: ok. I'm done... Sagittarius married to a Virgo. (yikes!) Hmm. I've got an Aquarian sweetie. Never a dull moment! :laughing yellow guy:

Oh. My. GODS! There is nothing I don't like in this pic! That shirt... so man reasons to love it... His chest looks fantastic in it, we can see the shape of the bottom of his ribcage, and (of course) it's the perfect length to give us a tease of skin! The face, the hair, those lips!, his position right there, those legs (that thigh! d@mn baby!)... ***melted***

...and we all know that Virgo freakin' rock the Zodiac hardest! (or something...) [super cheesy] Hey baby, what's your sign.?. [/super cheesy] :laughing yellow guy: ok. I'm done...

Hard to write, too. Coz I have put those things behind me, but when I write it or tell it, I have to remember that I lived it, and remember the way it felt. And there's a piece of me still at the core that still hurts, and is still scared. That piece can never fully heal. The most we can do is leave her in peace, leave her to sleep. And, uhh, sorry for the chilling deja vu... but I kind of couldn't help that. How else can one convey the mind-set.?. and the way, and the why of cutting... Coz a lot of people don't really get why. It is a form of control. I take control of this pain. When there is so much pain that is outside of your control, at least there is one thing that is in your own hands. It's messed up, but that's what it was for me. And yeah, we are a tough bunch! Sometimes I think about it... the saying "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" And I can't help feeling (perhaps a bit like Neil Peart.?.) "OK, but did I need to be this strong.?." (seriously, that sounds like something he might say... must be a Virgo thing LOL!) I bet, if they ever saw this thread, they'd be proud. I know I am. I'm proud to be a Rush fan, proud of the strength I see in the rest of y'all. :heart:

Music in general has helped me through grieving. Rush n some situations, my other favourite man in other times. I think that the way music touches so deep, is also how it helps us to heal and work through things like grief.

Oh man, writing. Ha, you should see some of the wild and crazy stuff I've written!Creating another entire universe, where I make the rules! Life is good in those other universes... And d@mn, I wish everyone who ever needed, could have had a friend like mine. She was a huge help, and she literally changed the way I thought about myself. Having known her, I feel truly blessed. Without her in my life, I don't know if I would have gotten through high school alive... I don't even have the words, hon... fighting the battles on your own... That takes some serious guts and strength.!. And if that makes you look like the loony, well then, I wanna be just as loony as you! Rock on, sweet-heart.!.

http://terri0729.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/hug-2.jpg

OK, but first I must address the butt wiggle/hair swing combo...http://www.4smileys.com/smileys/love-smileys/smitten2.gif http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j219/pop-girl/smilies%20n%20stuff/faint_smiley_33014066.gif Coz that has got to be one of the finest, most beautiful things that has ever been seen... ever! That Ged... I adore watching him! I mean, it's always the music first. That's what hit me first. But dang, watching those guys, particularly Ged... Makes me such a happy, happy girl http://www.4smileys.com/smileys/love-smileys/smitten2.gif ... So for me... It started so early. Too early. At three years, you're still supposed to be able to trust people. But trust is a very fragile thing, and once it's been shattered, it's never quite the same. And mine was shattered at three. One twisted babysitter, quite skilled in the art of fear. She would ... I won't go into the ugly details, suffice to say she was a sick b**ch. And she would then tell me that if I ever told anyone, she'd come and get my dog/friends/parents/*fill-in-the-blank*. And of course the usual "no one will believe you, anyway" B.S. Now this kind of crap is waaaay more than what a three year old can handle! So one develops some ... unique coping and escape mechanisms. When we moved away... it was the greatest day in my life! But the scars she created were too much. I still had trouble trusting, I was scared to get close to anyone (coz she might add them to her hit list, if she thought I ever told on her...)... Little things that didn't bother anyone else affected me deeply, I seemed forever on the fringe and half a beat behind everyone else. So I had precious few people I considered 'friends'... but even them, I wouldn't let them get too close. I had built a wall, and no one was getting in! Not to the core. No one gets that close. Not again. Any minor bump in a friendship was magnified to a huge betrayal, and only served to justify my distance. And built another layer to my wall (now become quite the elaborate fortress!) Now, other kids notice the wounded. And the odd-ball, the wounded, the quiet kid that walls herself off, she becomes the perfect target for teasing, harassing, bullying. And... even with a fortress to protect yourself, you still get stung by the constant, daily attacks. Might even believe that you're stupid and worthless and crazy and too weird. By middle school, I was too good at wearing the mask. I'd wear it all day, and only let it drop when I got home after school. I had discovered the insane joy of blasting a record at full volume and dancing myself to utter exhaustion. *I was a 'latchkey kid', so no parents to tell me to turn it down, for a few precious hours LOL!* Music. My records. My perfect escape, the only thing that I would allow to touch the deep heart of me. There was something magical about music. How it could pull me outside of myself and soothe over the wounds that no one else knew about. Cry with me the pain, smooth the ruffled soul, then swing me up into an ecstatic joy that nothing else could ever match. Music, one particular singer, (not yet our boys, I only had that joy once, at 9, in the car, then not again until... like... 21.!.) I would loose myself in the music, though. Oh he was my best friend, the one who I could trust completely. He was my fantasy love, my mega-crush, my savior, my everything. And it was the one thing that was mine I didn't share with my counselor, I didn't let on to my friends just how the music felt, never told my parents anything... the music was my thing. And no one was going to take it from me, no one was going to know how much it meant to me. It was MINE. Now, if I thought elementary and middle school were hard... *pfft* High school was hell's nightmare! I was more withdrawn, I was further behind everyone else, and the teasing and bullying was getting worse by the day. My body never felt right from one day to the next, my brain didn't seem to learn the way everyone else did, I felt like I was getting singled out by teachers, left out of d@mn near everything... the only thing left that meant anything to me was my music. And sometimes, even it wasn't quite strong enough. I'd dance myself sick, then bury any remaining emotion under junk food. (Oh yeah, that was freakin' healthy for me... *eye roll*) One light. There was one glorious light in high school. She saw the torture. She couldn't tolerate it. And she stood up. For me. For ... me? WTF??? Why was this awesomely cool, intimidating, wonderful person wasting her time defending me?!? Oh, I'd seen her around, and I envied her style and grace and strength. She took no sh!t, she was strong and defiant and cool. In a way I could never be. She was beautiful and yet she intimidated the hell outta me. She was amazing to me, but I was always too afraid to approach. She wouldn't want to even acknowledge me... And yet, there she was, telling off all those others, defending me.!. Standing up for me! This was something I couldn't quite process... someone that freakin' cool thought I was worth defending??? More than that, she actually wanted to get to know me, after that!?! She helped me through a lot of crap. And being friends with her, made me kind of "cool-by-proxy". But there was still a lot of stuff stirring around, memories I had squashed coming back in an angry stew, re-kindling some fears causing such internal pain that I couldn't seem to squelch ... even with the music, it was getting too hard. I started cutting, and that... strange as it may sound, was a sort of... (warped) release? Something. It was a pain, but it was one that I was controlling. It was another way to hide from and bury the other pain. And somehow, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would... Taking control of the blade and making the cuts... as deep as I wanted, in a pattern that I wanted, sometimes even felt "good" (yes, I said warped. I was dealing with some really deep mental sh!t, here...) And some of it, I'm sure, was the endorphin release after the fact... Music started to take a back seat. The cutting was a weird new way to deal. My friend saw the scars one time, and I could see how scared and upset she was, but I was already drifting toward a much darker place. I tried to step away from the edge. For a while, I was doing better... But... then we moved again. With all the crap that I was dealing with already, now we're moving? Well F**k. Shut down. If there's too much to deal with, then just shut it all the f**k down. There was nothing good any more, anyway. So why bother? Just go robotic through the motions, each day blurred into the next, touched by and touching nothing. Coz it's all rotten in the end. So f**k it all. And... if we're gonna say f**k it all, anyway... if there's no point to anything any more, if it's all just sh!t in the end, why even go on? Suicide was dangerously attractive. I was too d@mn close. But there was something...I still don't know what it was... Something that said "Whoa! wait a sec!" A hesitation, then, from out of the blue, I hit the 'play' button on the tape deck. A last second, maybe desperate attempt at ... something... And he was there. My first crush, my musical savior. My closest friend... his voice singing a gorgeous ballad... And it did it. Something inside woke again to his voice and ... the dam broke! I wept for the longest time, the flood of emotions I had blocked, just pouring from my heart and tears I cried until I couldn't cry any more, then it struck me how absurd that seemed, and I started to laugh. And I laughed like a freakin' maniac. And the laughing was so funny sounding, that it fed into more laughing. And it went on until the pendulum swung again, and I cried another release... It was so weird, the wide swing between laughing and crying, and through it all, feeling more and more relief with each wave. Going on until I was just so exhausted, I just ... "slept" isn't quite the right word, but I hadn't quite passed out. I just kind of collapsed into a kind of 'semi-sleep' state. I just had to stop, LOL... It was a hard road back, many days I had to kick my own @ss outta bed and find something, anything to convince myself to keep going. But this time I kept that music by my side (and in my ears) as my ally once again. And a new musical hero. A new beautiful man who took me to beautiful places. I'd heard him once before, but I had this new appreciation after that close call... I moved again, because of a guy. That didn't work, and I lived unsettled... day-to-day, couch-hopping with friends (what I call now my "Gypsy Days", whatever! LOL...) With my music. Always. Moved in with another man (and married him!!!http://www.4smileys.com/smileys/love-smileys/smitten2.gif) And then heard... this song... The same one I heard when I was just 9... And it was Geddy. Singing with a strength that excited and thrilled me, brought me to a happy feeling, and I was HOOKED! Still struggling with depression (it's an ongoing thing, you can too easily find yourself with those old thoughts and patterns... and you gotta keep on fighting...) But now the awesome power of Rush in my personal arsenal against those dangerous places! Strong as my first musical hero, strong as my second beautiful musical magician, Rush was pulling me into a very good place. I felt a connection with the music, I felt a sort of connection with the musicians as I learned more and more about them. Lyrics that spoke to me, lyrics that could have been ripped from my diary, if I kept one. Lyrics that lifted me up and cheered me on and helped me feel ever more whole. Add to all that, Geddy's smile and Alex's sense of humour and Neil's unique ability to make a drum solo musical (when so many are just "I play fast! I play loud!") They were my treasure. My own little secret of awesome, a trio of fantastic that no one else could ever truly understand the way I did (LOL! and look who all I'm telling, LOL!) These men some how "got" me, though they never knew me. Still they knew how to cheer me, lift my spirit, touch m heart, make me feel alive, and make me feel there's a reason to be! Because of Rush, I discovered new friends (One of whom is now the closest person in my life, yes, in ways even closer than my sweet and awesome husband!) With Rush (as well as my musical magician, freakin' love him...) I have let go of and made peace with and grown beyond my past. Ever growing, ever healing, ever evolving into a place of Light and Hope and Beauty. and how can you not love that? :) ... Holy crap, did anyone make it all the way through that rambling wall of text? Wow! Love y'all.

Y'all, this thread... I've not gone from tears to uplifted so much, so many times! Half of me wants to share, but the other half is saying, "No, coz Rush didn't enter the picture 'til way later..." (though they have been a huge part of the ongoing healing...) LOL. Thanks GedsJeans. This thread you started is just the best. A perfect reminder, too, of how freakin' awesome Rush fans are! I'm out of time for the moment, But I just had to say I love y'all so much! Rush On, you wonderful peeps!

Agreed. Some of us really do need the extra help. Uncomfortable as they may be, it's worse to go without for too long...

Group hug, y'all! http://www.razflections.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/group-hug-01-leah-roqueza-juan-clair-ross-lucky-velasquez-alissar-elias.jpg http://data.whicdn.com/images/28853216/animal-cat-cats-cute-hugs-Favim.com-429935_large.jpg ...This thread fills me with Warm Fuzzies... http://morethanoneofeverything.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/WarmFuzzies-300x159.jpg

Oh man. A misfit among the misfits! Such was my life all through middle school and high school. Sometimes I feel it, even now. Not quite in with even other "misfits"... LOL I'm still pulling you in to the virtual group hug among the misfits!

***Hugs*** Oh, do I hear you! I'm another for whom music was the spark to rekindle life's flame... I don't know how, but there's something in music that reaches so much deeper than anything else I've ever known. Reaching the Heart, the very Spirit, and soothing a lifetime of hurt. Creating a place of perfection and beauty in a world that seems so full of wrong. And even when the "life saving song" wasn't a Rush piece, (my two both came from other artists...) there's still something special in Rush's music that speaks to the wounded and the broken, the misfits and the outcast, telling us that we are not alone. And we do cherish that connection. Whatever else, we can always hang onto that. With that, we can ride out the storms 'til the Sun shines again. We will always love them for that. http://www.4smileys.com/smileys/music-smileys/headphone_smiley.gif http://www.4smileys.com/smileys/love-smileys/amorous.gif . Rock on, fellow "misfits"... and rock on, Rush!

:rfl: That was great!! Nicely done! LOL

Oh. My. GODS!!! That last one has done me in... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v727/Rose226/Smilies/SwoonLoveSmiley.gif

:wub: :heart: :dweez: :drool: That man... Every time I see his eyes, it just makes me wanna' do ... (how do I keep this a PPG rating.?.) very naughty things! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v727/Rose226/Smilies/SwoonLoveSmiley.gif

Toying with the idea of putting some groovy purple or red wine streaks or something. Just for fun, see how I like it. I will NOT cover my silvers, though! A few dozen more than before, and they are silver! Not grey or off-white or anything, they freakin'shine silver! I love it (coz I'm weird that way) But I love the idea of some playful purple or red wine as an accent or .. like, under the main length... kind of thing. (I don't know what the hell to call that, but... ya know) I think it would look so damn cool with my multi-shade brunette. I have some auburn highlights in, naturally (red-heads in my family!) And I think purple would be awesome... Not sure what my stylist would say, though. Or if she'd do it. She says my hairs gotten kind of weak. (Might be my diet, I went to a vegetarian diet earlier this year...) How can I strengthen my hair up.?.

It sounds like your basic plan is a great one! I agree on the energy/distraction thing, so I'd suggest a rather "simple" kind of date. Something that's nice, but on the relaxed and kind of casual side of things. Don't want to add to her stress (2 yr olds are stress inducing enough, LOL!) by making the date a super formal occasion. Focusing on getting to know her... That right there is awesome! I wish you the very best on the date. Let us know how it goes!

poor Geddy. He's stumped! Just can't figure out what to do for Vive's birthday... He thought about it and thought about it http://www.rockcellarmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/geddy-lee-interview-clockwork-angels-classic-rock.jpg He asked this guy... http://5.mm.g-media.com/209031.jpg Discussed the situation with Lerxst... http://holdyourfireal.smugmug.com/RUSHImages/PRESS/20-CLOCKWORK-ANGELS-2012/i-krL6DGP/0/XL/classic-rock-072012-1-XL.jpg http://holdyourfireal.smugmug.com/RUSHImages/PRESS/20-CLOCKWORK-ANGELS-2012/i-BcFrZKq/0/L/classic-rock-072012-8-L.jpg And eventually decided... a personal birthday greeting http://tiempomusica.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/geddy-lee.jpg Hey Vive! Happy Birthday, you gorgeous thing! Much love to you, sweetie! Happy birthday!

QUOTE (Rushman14 @ Jul 17 2012, 04:04 PM) http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/401958_3834733881184_1391814328_n.jpg Gods, that bare chest... It keeps getting hotter around here!

QUOTE (FlyByNight2112 @ Jul 16 2012, 01:59 PM) I just want to say that I just joined up, and wanted my first post to be in this thread... why? Cause I've enjoyed this one the most... Welcome to the party!

QUOTE (Babycat @ Jul 16 2012, 10:50 AM) QUOTE (Garden Dancer @ Jul 13 2012, 12:10 PM) QUOTE (Vive le Rush @ Jul 13 2012, 06:01 AM) QUOTE (Garden Dancer @ Jul 13 2012, 05:34 AM) QUOTE (Mika @ Jul 9 2012, 12:56 AM)QUOTE (GeddysMullet @ Jul 8 2012, 09:45 PM) Is this picture of Geddy RIDICULOUSLY hot or what? http://i182.photobucket.com/albums/x285/geddysmullet/LJ%20Posts%20beginning%206-22/gedhead-1.jpg Wow! That's a very good one! Good neckage! See? That right there... I'd not be able to help myself. That neck is begging for a little love-bite! Uh-ohhh...........Geddy had better watch out!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, wait..........he may actually welcome those LOVE BITES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've never had any complaints Neither have I..! Oooh, Kitty! What have you been up too?